carolinagirl

The pain we endure from the loss of a child is no different because I suffered my loss 11 years ago and yours was less than a month ago. It still hurts, and I appreciate your response. No doubt when I posted this I was at the very bottom of the deepest pit of sorrow in my heart. As July-August-September near I get into this depression I can't seem to shake. The traumas I've been thru were in those 3 months.. some much joy and sorrow.. what a mix of emotions! Thank you all for listening and taking the time to respond. You & your family are in my thoughts and prayers!

I'm new to this board but not new to the pain of the loss of a child. I not only endured the loss of one child, but the loss of two children. Here is my story.... I'm not sure why I haven't done this sooner... talk to somene about the hurt I've been carrying in my heart for 11 yrs. I guess one can say after so much time, ones heart would surely be healed by now. Not so, atleast not in my case. I became pregnant at 19 and married the guy out of fear of having a child out of wedlock. Marrying my sons father was the worst mistake ever! You see my exhusband is a junkie. Anything and everything he can get his hands on that will get him high he will try. During the first trimester of my pregnancy was normal and even into my second trimester was normal. Went to Dr.'s appointments faithfully, took care of myself, ate well, I was even working as a nanny. I'm not sure what really triggered the next string of events. It all happened so quickly, I barely had time to think. I went into premature labor at 17 1/2 weeks along. The Dr.'s tried to stop my labor but were unsuccessful. 20 hours later my son Christian was born via c-section. His embilical cord was wrapped around his neck 3 times. He survived 3 hours of breathing on his own before he was put on a vent. He lived for 3 days before I had to make the choice to take him off. Was the hardest decision I've ever made. About 4 months later I got pregnant again. I was almost into my second trimester before I knew I was pregnant again. I had no symptoms and had gotten my period for those first 3 months. I was terrified. I was so scared I was going to go thru another loss. Fortunately I had a normal pregnancy. Went full term and delivered a 5lb 11oz boy happy and healthy w/out complications. I went home and for the first 3 months everything was great or so I thought. My exhusband was abusing my 3 month old son. I didn't know he was abusing my son, until after we got to the emergency room and was diagnosed with shaken baby syndrome. I went hysterical, crying my eyes out and wouldn't let go of my son. I was terrified that something was wrong and I wasn't going to let him out of my sight! Charges were brought against my exhusband and my son was taken from us. I was in denial and because of it lost my son to the state of FL child protective services. For years I have been carrying the quilt of what I should have done differently. My heart has been hurting for so long that I don't know if it will ever be healed. Since I lost my two sons, I've suffered two miscarriages. One in 97' at 22 and one last year at 29. I am now 30 years old and still cry over my loss. There are days I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to eat, shower, get dressed or go to work. Today is one of those days but I forced myself. I just don't know how much more energy I have to carry this heartache before it totally consumes me.