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About kayc

  • Rank
  • Birthday October 7

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Oakridge Oregon
  • Interests
    I lead a grief support group and I enjoy volunteering in my church (Treasurer & on Praise Team, choir) and the senior site, where I do the bingo prizes. I love stamping, hiking, nature, singing. I am a retired Office Mgr./Bkpr.

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    June 19, 2005
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Eugene OR

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  1. Well, if you get cancer, and the doctor tells you, you STILL have the option not to treat it. My MIL started out taking chemo but it made her so incredibly sick...she elected to discontinue it. She was put on hospice and when she was sent home from the hospital, given about three weeks to live. She lived nearly three years after that! I've never seen the kind of suffering she went through, but she did it bravely and stoically, they said she literally willed herself to live...for her grandchildren. She didn't want to miss a moment with them. That time with her was very precious for all of us. I just hate to see you go through something treatable unnecessarily...I'm not talking about cancer. 70 isn't that old, I'm only five years behind you!
  2. I'm so sorry for what has happened to your friends. I'm glad he has a good friend in you, he will need someone to be by his side in the upcoming time ahead. I'm sorry for your loss, it's very hard to lose a close friend.
  3. And they are right. Like I said to HardLove, read each and EVERY ONE of the posts in this section, every thread, you will see a pattern, you will see why we say not to wait on them, not to count on them returning. I know you will do what you will do, most people don't heed the advice given and have to learn for themselves the long and painful way, but you would be skipping all that pain to cut off contact and hope and begin your healing even now. I'm sorry, I speak from experience, and not only mine but the experience of each and every contributor here in Loss of Love section.
  4. I would caution you against waiting though...it's not fair to you and she might never return. That said, I know you will undoubtedly figure it out on your own, in time. I just hate to see you setting yourself up for a fall. If you would read through each and every post in this section, EVERY SINGLE ONE, you will see what I'm talking about.
  5. When we are grieving the world can seem about us as it's rather impacting and we don't have it in us to deal with much else...in that sense I suppose it can seem self-centered, as it needs to be in the early stages. That said, I can't imagine throwing away a partner because I'm steeped in grief. I personally would want that partner by my side, understanding and caring and supportive, but that's just me.
  6. One of the things this can do is protect what love there remains as if you continually hash and rehash and don't get anywhere with it, it can be detrimental to the relationship. It also protects you from the negativity, frees her to work on her own inner healing from the loss, and allows you the time to heal.
  7. This is exactly one of the things I considered after Jim broke up with me due to losing his mother. I would not want someone who would throw me away whenever something happened in life. It's not a matter of IF something happens in life, but more of WHEN something happens. I would personally want someone who would stick by me through thick and thin, someone who worked on life TOGETHER and actually CARED about me. Who needs the rest? I've come to the conclusion since that Jim makes for a better "friend" than "husband material". No offense to him, he's a wonderful guy that I truly care about, but I need something more than what he had to offer if I were to marry someone. Big point to consider!
  8. Try not to personalize what FEELS very personal right now...it really is about HER and HER situation...unfortunately, that affects YOU. When we grieve, we are very sensitive and can't handle very much and everything can feel overwhelming and we can be angry with the world...I'm sorry you're getting that fallout.
  9. I think I got rid of my journal from that time...yeah, some things are pretty painful.
  10. I try to give myself my best possible chance for living optimally...which is not necessarily the same thing as longevity. But to have quality of life it means taking care of myself, including going to the doctor, getting exercise, eating healthy, spending time with my pets and nature, de-stressing, and doing my best to get a good night's sleep. Unfortunately the sleep part isn't always cooperative...I was awake at 1 am today and never did get back to sleep. I usually try for a couple of hours and then get up and doing things rather than continue to fight it any longer. Hopefully I'll get a nap in this afternoon. At least I cooked several pounds of meat and packaged, froze it, made Arlie a batch of food, did the dishes, fed the animals, got a load of wood in. In an hour it'll be time to tend the wood stove and then fix breakfast. It amazes me how there are always things to be done! Gwen, I get it, I really do. And as for longevity, I hope mine is shorter than my mom's was! I've been widowed since I was 52, I really don't want 40 years living alone!
  11. My father's ashes

    Oh Laura, I'm so sorry! Are you okay? How badly are you injured? And the other teacher? My little sister works for Beaverton School District and has encountered such kids, it's really hard. I don't remember it ever being like that when I was growing up. There was such a child when I was helping at my kids' school years ago. Quite a handful. I'm glad you have Lena, just coming in here and seeing her brings a smile to my face!
  12. Hardlove, I'm so sorry you find yourself going through this...been there, done that with my fiance of a year when his mom was passing away and he was caregiving 24/7...he broke off all contact with me. It completely blindsided me! After a few months, when she'd passed away, we resumed contact but it was never again the same. After her death he might call every day or not for two weeks, he might say he loved me, or he might become distant. It was yanking me around emotionally, and was very, very hard. The last time I cried over him I told myself I needed to protect myself from him and I put up a wall around my heart so he couldn't hurt me anymore. You see, I figured out that HE didn't know what he wanted! All I know is, losing his mom changed him. It changed our relationship. Fast forward 7 1/2 years, we're friends, but nothing more. In all these years he's never tried to get me back. He told me if he hadn't gone through the loss of his mom, things would have turned out very different for us. He has said it was him, not me (believe that, it's true, I've seen this too many times in similar situations). Whatever you think you're guilty of in the relationship, remember, none of us is perfect and looking back we all have said/done things we'd like to change. BUT, I seriously doubt she would have hung around all those years if it was that bad. In other words, even though neither of you was perfect, you had something going for you...but somehow her loss of her grandma has changed things for her. It does that in many cases. I've read each and every thread here, each and every post...you begin to see similarities, a pattern. A certain number of people respond this way in their loss. They feel they don't have it in them to do a relationship AND grieve. Grieving can continue in some cases, to some extent, the rest of our lives, there's no "end", no expiration date to it. Eventually they begin to adjust to what that loss means to their lives and begin to cope with it. BUT once they've tossed their relationship aside, they don't usually return to it. Out of all of these threads, I've only seen one couple that actually made it. It will be important for you to focus on yourself. No contact is best for getting over someone...including no checking how they're doing on social media. This will enable you to have the best chance of healing and moving on in a healthy way. I know that's not what you want to hear...I don't think any of us here wanted that, but I'm just stating it as it is. It would be good if she'd get some professional grief counseling, but that is a matter for her to decide and she won't likely be receptive to suggestions. You, however, can get counseling for yourself to help you through this hard time. Staying in limbo is the hardest place to be.
  13. @nettieboop I'm sorry you went through this too, it's very hard. I went through it about 7 1/2 years ago.
  14. Hi, I am very sorry about your losing your mom...and then this guy. I have seen this before, somewhere in this section but usually it's the one with the loss doing the breaking up. The best way to move on is no contact...including no checking on each other on social media. What he did was wrong to you, you deserve better than that...you can't just put someone in limbo, ghost them, and...nothing. You need a real live person, one with a heart, one with a right state of mind, one that doesn't put you on ignore. He has issues that you don't need to deal with right now. I wish you all the best moving forward.
  15. Linda, It's been almost 13 years for me and I've learned this is a "rest of my life" kind of thing. I think I love and miss him even MORE now than I did in the beginning, if possible...I realize what a rare and precious gem he is/was, and how lucky I was to have had him in my life. There is no expiration date on grief, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You are not abnormal for grieving your husband. Beautiful couple and the love shines through! It helps to have this place that "gets it" and understands, others who can relate to our feelings. My family is supportive but they can't begin to understand what I go through, not having been there themselves. They still get to snuggle with their husbands, still have someone that leaves the garage light on, someone that drives them to/from surgery/procedures and takes care of them when they're sick. They still have their person and we're still missing ours. PS, I'm glad you have your dog, here's a picture of my love, I got him a few years after George died. (The one on the left is my Arlie, the one on the right is Bruno, my son's dog)