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kayc

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About kayc

  • Rank
    KayC
  • Birthday October 7

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Oakridge Oregon
  • Interests
    I lead a grief support group and I enjoy volunteering in my church (Treasurer & on Praise Team, choir) and the senior site, where I do the bingo prizes. I love stamping, hiking, nature, singing. I am a retired Office Mgr./Bkpr.

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    spouse
  • Date of Death
    June 19, 2005
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Eugene OR

Recent Profile Visitors

10,859 profile views
  1. Well I don't know about God laughing, but circumstances sure seem to! You are right...loving others we could get over, but "the one", never!
  2. Whatever you decide, please let us know, okay? We care.
  3. kayc

    Blaming myself for poor decisions...

    I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds to me as if you did everything you could and I honestly believe you did the right thing...sometimes the kindest thing is letting them go in peace. I always try to consider their quality of life, what pain do they have, are they suffering, etc. My feelings take a back burner to that. I can't keep my pets alive at their expense. While there is hope we try everything, but once we realize what they're in for...it's time to let go. God it's hard, I know how hard, the hardest thing in the world. Going through grief...extremely painful, and our common reaction is wanting them back at any cost. We second guess everything, wonder if we'd only done this or that, what if they could have been saved for a little longer. All of that is our grief talking, looking for another possible outcome. You are not guilty of anything...except loving your dog completely, and having a broken heart to match. I hope you can extend the same courtesy and understanding to yourself that you would to a friend going through this. What would you tell your friend? I hope you'll tell yourself that. (((hugs))) http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
  4. kayc

    Losing Our Precious French Bulldog

    Oh Hon, I feel your pain. You did everything you could for him, I'm so sorry. I'm glad he had the best life he could, I hope it brings you much comfort to know that. For your friend:
  5. CairnLady, I understand. I never minded solitude before either...because I always knew he was coming home or calling at a certain time. It sure makes a difference.
  6. I'm sorry I misunderstood. I wasn't trying to draw assumptions.
  7. Gwen, I'm not explaining or justifying anything, only that I've observed over the years that sometimes if a marriage is lacking in some way, it doesn't make it and both of your previous marriages may have been in that situation. Marriage takes a lot of effort on both people's parts. And sometimes it's comprised of the wrong two people to begin with. You found over your lifetime a love that sustained the ups and downs, you made it work because you WANTED it to work, you had that spark between the two of you, your interaction was good. Otherwise you would not be missing him so much as you are right now. I experienced 23 years of a loveless marriage with a controlling man that didn't always treat us well, and even though he was highly respected by society, church, etc., I knew who he really was and living that was really hard. Then I met George. We never tried to control or change each other, we communicated well with each other, related to each other, CLICKED! And oh yes, the spark was there too! He was the one for me, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I had no idea it'd be cut so short. But even with all the pain his death has meant for me, I'd choose him in a heartbeat. The all too short years I got with him sustain me...they have to...the rest of my life.
  8. This is the one thing we can't get away from, the disparity between what our life with them was...and "this". We do our best with it, but at the end of the day, "this" is what we're left with. And it's different, so very different. It's not what we expected, signed on for, hope for, dreamed about. All the while watching the rest of the world go on with their lives as usual. It colors how we view things. We watch Meghan and Harry beginning their lives and we remember feeling that way...now we have the realization that life doesn't always go as planned, as expected. It throws kinks in, huge kinks!
  9. I don't know, but if my chin starts quivering, I'm getting worried! Marg, I love the way you put things, you can make even something serious sound funny. I don't know about the voices in our heads being enough company though. @CairnLady That sounds pretty tough. Similar to Gwen's situation. I've had to build my life into something I can live, enough getting out being around people balanced with enough solitude, time at home with my dog and cat. But when people can't get out and don't really want to be around people, I don't know how you balance anything! Animals help, but Gwen has dogs but that still doesn't help with the pain or need for actual help. They help with stress, love, touch, interaction, but they sure don't do the dishes or mow the lawn! When my mom was alive I remember senior services offering her someone to help her so many hours a week, they could pay bills, run errands, clean house, get groceries, drive her...but she wasn't someone to give that much "control" to someone else so she wouldn't go for it.
  10. kayc

    My father's ashes

    Laura, you need to do what is best for YOU. Don't worry about him, he will find someone to do the job. You listed several reasons why you don't want to drive so far to this job, all of them valid reasons. I have a car with 193,000 miles on it and I think I quit commuting just in the nick of time, otherwise I would have been looking at having to buy a new car. That would have cut way into what I was earning and on top of it I'd have been paying taxes on $ I wouldn't get to keep, but would be expending in order to earn $! A very real consideration. Most of the miles on my car were from my commuting to work 110 miles/day. Your driving four hours a day, two days a week, would pile on the miles. When you do the math, only you can decide if you and your car can afford this. Is there another part time job you could do locally, even if something different (music gig?) to bring in the bit extra $ you need to make ends meet?
  11. There is no understanding this, not really, I doubt he understands it himself. I'm sorry you're going through this, you are grieving your relationship and that's hard when you know it needn't be this way. Those of us who've lost our partner to death, there was no choice, no one decided it, so what you are going through is pretty rough. But neither did he choose it. There's a certain segment of people, when grieving, don't seem to feel they can handle a relationship at the same time as grieving. Not being one of those people, I can't understand it, but I have been where you are, my fiance of a year broke up with me when his mom was dying. She passed away after we had a few months of no contact and we were able to resume contact as friends only, but that can only happen if one of you isn't secretly hoping for something else. We can't control or manipulate the other person, it's important, no matter the relationship, that we respect their wishes. It's too soon to tell if you can handle this or not. It's up to you whether you can be there for his birthday or not, I would think that'd be really hard, especially so soon. One thing that's important for both of you to keep in mind, he can't have it both ways. You can't be on reserve for him to reel in whenever he decides to come to a resume a relationship. He broke up with you. Period. There's no grey area here. If he loses you because of it that is the result of his actions/decision. It's going to be important for you to focus on YOU, not him, right now. Keep busy with YOUR life, your friends, your family. You haven't said if you're working this summer, but that might be a good idea too. I realize you may not heed my advice, but I'm giving it in the hopes that you will for your own sake. I've not only been through it myself, but I've read each and every thread, every post, in this section. When you sit down and read them all, you see a pattern emerge, you see the commonality, you see what happens. Honestly, I wouldn't want to pin my future with someone who could break up with me at any given moment when life got tough. I know you think he's your person, but this is about as huge a red flag as you can get. I know you haven't had time to reach acceptance that it's over and you're still hoping...for that reason I lean towards not going to his birthday celebration. You need to think of YOU and how this will affect you. You just haven't had time to adjust to anything yet. I'm sorry, I know how bad this hurts and there's no way through it but straight through it, pain and all. You say no one understands, there IS no understanding this, your friends want better for you, so does your family, anyone who knows you doesn't want to see you treated with disregard. He's asking too much of you, more than humanly okay, to invite you to a birthday celebration for himself three days after breaking up with you.
  12. Your dogs are very adorable! I'm sorry your family is not there for you. I've found the one that I can really count on is me. Which makes it hard when you really need someone, like in Gwen's situation right now, there's times we need someone to help us, be there for us, and if we have no one, that's really really hard. I remember when I had surgery, the neighbor who'd said he'd be there for me wasn't, he dropped me off at my house, didn't even bring me a glass of water, never stoked the fire, nothing, just left and never came back. I couldn't cook, couldn't bend, reach, nothing, didn't even know if I could get back up once I sat down. Somehow we live through this stuff, I don't know how. A day at a time, a moment at a time.
  13. George's family disappeared too. His dad called a year later bad mouthing him...I reminded him how good George was to him and told him when he had something nice to say to call back. He never did. He died a few years ago, no one notified me. I know George would be disappointed in his family as I was the most important person in his life and he would have cared how things went with me. Thankfully I have my sisters and kids but they don't live nearby except one sister and she needs my help so isn't able to be of help to me, she's 8 1/2 years older than me and hasn't taken very good care of herself. I visit her, she never visits me. Weird how that works.
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