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About kayc

  • Rank
  • Birthday October 7

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Oakridge Oregon
  • Interests
    I lead a grief support group and I enjoy volunteering in my church (Treasurer & on Praise Team, choir) and the senior site, where I do the bingo prizes. I love stamping, hiking, nature, singing. I am a retired Office Mgr./Bkpr.

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    June 19, 2005
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Eugene OR

Recent Profile Visitors

10,370 profile views
  1. And there was the pansies... My husband loved growing things, vegetables, flowers. We had a bumper crop of beautiful flowers that year, we had them in hanging planters all across our 30' patio, which is up in the air since we're on a hillside. One year after George died, I found pansies (our special flower, he called them the smiling flower) growing on the ground under the patio, at the edge. How they made it through being buried under several feet of snow, all the cold, etc. I don't know. I've never had that happen in my forty years here, yet it did that year, and I believe George helped them and gave me pansies for the first anv. of his death.
  2. Katie, I am so sorry, I support you in your endeavor to be there for your family and help them through this. You are a lovely woman and you have done nothing wrong. I hate what grief can do too. I have learned to carry my grief rather than fighting it but everyone finds their own way of dealing with this. It seems enough is enough, and I can't imagine one more bad thing happening to your lovely family. (((hugs)))
  3. Poetry

    Except one more minute would never be enough, not really. Beautiful poem! Who wrote it?
  4. Chicken soup for both of you! I hope you both are feeling better soon!
  5. I haven't had anything like that happen but I do remember someone saying their wife would ring the doorbell and this was quite often. A couple of years ago the social security office told me I'd only get $200/month, and it freaked me out (who can live on that!), it was right before a long weekend and I'd have to wait days to contact a different soc sec representative. I was freaked out, anxiety full bore. And that's when I felt George's hand on my back, a definite attempt to comfort and calm me, and it worked. When I called soc sec after the weekend they corrected the amount. But I'll never forget feeling his hand physically on my back, this was years after he died! The effort it must have taken him!
  6. Maui Pasta Arizona made it at last

    Oh, I remember that now, I couldn't believe she'd part with it! Funny how it's back with her now!
  7. I've had it take from the "rest of the day" to "up to two weeks" to heal from such dental work, some are worse than others. I hope each day shows increased healing and wellness for you. And your son, he's getting in this morning for help...did the prescribe antibiotics immediately so he could have a head start before they work on him? Does your grandson drive, or a neighbor? I'm sorry you're both down with this at once! I've had abscesses, no fun! I'm not a violent person but I wanted to put my fist through the wall. Good thing I didn't try.
  8. I don't think it's an either/or. After all, I was tranquil in my relationship with George, I never felt squelched...it was a shared experience no matter what we were doing. Just being together is what counted. Everything felt BETTER with him alongside me in life.
  9. George stated it so well...when I was reading your post my initial thought also was Allen has a right to be angry. Not at you, but at the situation. And I know with all that is within me that Butch would not have done this if he would have realized what it would do to his family, he truly was not thinking, he was being led by his pain. A reminder to us all that everything we do affects others.
  10. My father's ashes

    I'd choose the clocks over the drinks too!
  11. Maui Pasta Arizona made it at last

    Is that one of Laura's? It sure fits in with Maui!
  12. I would continue checking widow status on forms. IRS may be pickier, we have to contend with them, but everything else...it's really no one's business but our own.
  13. Tony, Nats is right, developing a routine helps. Unfortunately nothing helps the pain but going right through it, there's no way to circumvent it, I wish there was. It took me more years than I can say to just process George's death, many more to find purpose and built a life I can live. I don't know if you've read this or not, but I wrote it based on what I learned in my 12 year journey. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
  14. Kevin, I'm impressed! Keep up the good work! I wish you well on your impending "selling of the house", my sister is going through that right now (neighboring Portland area in the hills)...she's about done with the keeping everything boxed up, pristine, having workmen intrude on her privacy and dealing with all that goes with dealing with contractors. Ugh. They're looking forward to renting a couple of years before looking for their new home. Yesterday I had to drive the 120 mile round trip to the doctor and pharmacy, I came down with a UTI. All in all, seven stops to make and finally home to bring in groceries and walk Arlie. My back is improving little by little...but alas snow is predicted the next week and beyond, I hope it doesn't amount to much, my back can't take the shoveling right now. Thank you to George, the magnesium flakes help a bit, anything that brings relief is welcome!
  15. My dear Katie, I'm so sorry you are going through this dark place right now. You are not to blame for any of their deaths. Therapy can be painful as it brings everything to the surface and forces you to deal with it, but Allen will find his own way through this in his time. You are right in that you can't control him. But neither should you accept "blame" for deaths that you couldn't foresee or control. Your little Ryan looks to be a spark of joy in an otherwise very hard time. We always enjoyed pictures of Gracie, and even as similar as they are, I can tell the difference, Ryan is Ryan. How is Caleb doing?