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Everything posted by kayc

  1. True enough, but when we're living in that moment sometimes things feel bigger than they are and we're dealing with our emotions, which can be anywhere on the chart. Fortunately we lived with no regrets, the moments at odds with each other were extremely rare. For two humans, I think we got along about as well as anyone can expect, and I bet you did too. All is gone now but the love and that stays with us forever.
  2. Such beauty in those places!
  3. Gwen, I assume they have you on a specialized diet to help control digestive issues. It's hard to understand why they haven't found the cause for it. A little like putting on a bandaid when they still don't know where the wound is! I went to our church's Christmas party last night, lots of talk and laughter and it was good for my soul. It helped me feel a little like Christmas hadn't totally passed me by, it was fun. I get tired of being so alone...
  4. I think this is journaling with response, so we aren't just getting our feelings out on paper, we're learning along the way, from others. Keying is easier on my hands too Tom!
  5. George, My doctor broached this subject with me (I guess that's a sign you're getting older, LOL!) and I wouldn't sign a DNR but I fully trust my son to make the right decision on my behalf so put his name down for making decisions. I made it clear in the paperwork that if I have a chance to recover any quality of life I want measures taken, but if it's prolonging life and I'd be left a vegetable, no heroic measures. My son understands my wishes and would convey what I want. Sometimes there isn't time to reach someone for input and then the medical team has to make the best decision they know and we have to live with it. I have a copy of my papers and so does the doctor and it's registered with PeaceHealth, the common medical organization here in Oregon.
  6. Articles Worth Reading

    Good article. I don't drive at night and that's when most events are so I have no choice but to catch a ride or stay home. Thankfully my grief is enough ways out that isn't a problem now, but that was sound advice for anyone newer in their grief (by newer I mean first few years). BTW, I love WYG What's Your Grief! I get their emailed articles every week and found them helpful with my grief support group. I'm always looking for information!
  7. Polly, I am thrilled to hear this, for your sake, for Bill's, AND for your daughter's. It's good for her to learn this, part of mature thinking and respect. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!
  8. One year later

    Telling someone they must come out from it is a little like telling someone to move on...it feels inappropriate. Here we acknowledge someone's feelings, knowing everyone's timetable is different. I lost one of my best friends a year ago from cancer and I cherish memories of her. What's key is balance...while it's good to remember the memories, it's also important to not miss today, to learn to live in the present so we don't miss what is. I've learned in grief that those past and present in our lives are all intermingled, all a part of who we are.
  9. Jiliean, I am so sorry for your loss, that must have been horrific. I'm happy to hear your news about your impending birth, congratulations! I don't know what baby sleep training is, I'm 65 and my babies are long raised. My son slept 12 hours a night from the beginning...my daughter wasn't so easy, eight hours a day in snatches. But I'd love to have them back that age even for just a while! I content myself with my grandbabies, although they aren't nearly as close (in proximity) as I'd like. Good luck!
  10. I am a transgender

    Charlatt, I'm not sure why you are posting about this in a grief forum, it's a little off topic, but I feel qualified to answer you. One of my closest friends is transgender although in his 60s elects not to go through surgery at this point. I don't know what state you're in, but most of them require you to go through counseling and get the recommendation of a doctor before undergoing surgery, I'd highly recommend that. I do want to recommend a forum for you. I had to go through an interview and approval from one of the mods before being allowed to join, but they're easy on you. They just want to make sure of your intent, no catfish. I joined years ago in an effort to learn more, understand and support my friend. Not everyone on there is transgender, but a great deal are, many are crossdressers, and there is a section for their wives, GFs, etc. You may be able to join the public section there, give it a try. If you have any questions, contact a moderator. Some are a little over the top with their crossdressing and gurly stuff, don't let it throw you. Underneath it all, there are good people there. Honestly, I think the main thing is to be comfortable with yourself, however you are. The more comfortable with yourself you are, the more comfortable other people are with you. Of course there are always judgmental people but that's based on their own ignorance, hence these forums are great tools for enlightening. The more the issues are out there, the more educated people can become. There's more than just male and female, there's everything inbetween and combination thereof. AND there's many more sexual identities, all it's good to figure out. https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/
  11. I know. Break it down into an hour then, or a minute, whatever you can handle.
  12. It can be a common reoccurring thought. It's so key to find something to live for. It's hard when you don't have family nearby that cares. That puts the onus on us to try to build relationships worth living for. Slow and hard, but worth trying for. Butch, one thing at a time, first get through today.
  13. Making these decisions are the hardest ones someone can be called upon to do. We never talked about the DNR, it seemed so remote it never entered in. We did talk about death, but honestly we thought it was years and years away. We weren't old yet. Honoring their wishes, balancing giving them every chance to live with not wanting them to suffer, it's all hard. I know I would have wanted George here no matter what but he would not have wanted to be disabled and unable to do things, I guess we don't always get what we want. My heart goes out to each of you.
  14. Pixie, wow, that's got to be very hard. Prayers for all concerned.
  15. Here I am again

    I'm glad, wishing the best for you!
  16. Lainey, I'm sorry for your loss. Sometimes when we have more than one loss it can pile up on us, that's hard to deal with. It will be important to grieve each of them individually, to separate your losses. I'm glad you're near your kids now and I hope that is of help to you. Of course we'll be here for you.
  17. Darrel, Wishing you some peace...
  18. So true. We need our hearts.
  19. One year later

    I'm glad you have support. Losing a friend can be really tough. My daughter lost her friend Jorma when he was but 24, it's been ten years now. They all got matching tattoos in his memory. They are never forgotten.
  20. I understand, Anne. Your Fred was like my Skye was to me. A once in a lifetime granddoggy.
  21. George used to put post-it notes all over the house with a love note and smiley face...I have one in front of me right now. He'd hide one in the utility room cupboard. One in the closet. One in the bathroom, always some out of the way place where I'd find it. I miss that.
  22. Les, I am sorry you lost your wife, but very glad you've found your way here. We don't "get over it", but we can, with a lot of effort, learn to adjust to the changes it means for our lives, and build a life we can live and find purpose. I don't say that lightly, I'm 12 1/2 years into this and it doesn't happen automatically nor overnight. The responses (or should I say lack of) you've received from family and friends is all too common, unfortunately. People are uncomfortable with death. They act like it's contagious. They want to "fix" things and can't, so they withdraw. Going from a "couple" to one person changes dynamics. Our "friends" never had anything to do with me again. Amazing. I don't want friends like that, I was stunned by it, but I have worked hard at building new relationships in the years since. These articles might be of interest to you: https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/grief-support-when-others-fail-to-meet.html I have been fortunate, my loss was friends, but my family stood by me. They did not, however, understand, they can't, they haven't been there. They still have their spouses, they don't know what it's like to be alone. It's vastly different growing old alone with no support. I am very glad your sister finally reached out. It's like she wanted to and didn't know how to, so I'm glad she finally braved the gap and just did it. Sometimes we have to show people the way back to us, make it possible by letting them know how. It's not about their deserving it, it's about what do we want at the end of the day when all is said and done. I hope you will continue to come here. It really does help to voice ourselves and know we are heard. And here...we "get it".
  23. @Trippinbugs I am so glad you did share. Many things came to my mind as I was reading your story. First I want to tell you how sorry I am for all of your losses, your brother, your dad, even your mom in a way. Sometimes there's more than one way for someone to be removed from us, it isn't only death that robs us. You were robbed in a very real way of a loving supportive family, from the get go. I'm sorry. But I am so glad that you realize you deserve more. That it's not your fault. I am glad you have a fiance and two little boys, and my hope is you can build the family you didn't have, the family you always wanted. It may not be perfect, it never is, but hopefully it will be "perfect for you"...that's how my relationship was with my late husband. We are neither ones perfect people, but our relationship with each other was. We had mutual respect, caring, love, understanding, it was the best relationship one could ever hope for. I only had him in my life 6 1/2 years, but how enriched those years were! I'm sorry your brother was in a coma for so long, I can't imagine 18 years...my oldest sister was in a horrid car accident when she was 25, it killed her three year old, but left her four month old unscathed, but it damaged her brain, leaving her quadriplegic. The worst damage however was done when they did the emergency tracheotomy, it damaged her vocal cords so that she can't communicate effectively. She also has a hard time swallowing, she chokes easily and gets pneumonia easily. It also did damage to my other sister, leaving her without her equilibrium so that she falls easily. This all happened 50 years ago and we're still living with the aftermath. The four month old was kidnapped when he was four years old by his father who had never laid eyes on him, and taken to a foreign country where he didn't know the language and had to live with a wicked stepmother...seriously. A year later we got him back and my parents adopted him so it could never happen again. I don't know why some families seem singled out for hardship and others get Beaver Cleaver families. My guess is that Beaver Cleaver is merely fictitious and most families do have things they deal with that the rest of us don't see. But it sure seems like some get more than their fair share, and I think your family and mine fell into that category. My dad was alcoholic and my mom was mental and abusive, emotionally, verbally, physically. The good news is, for all we went through, us kids turned out pretty normal. I wouldn't say it didn't affect us, you can't go through all of that without being affected, but for the most part, it enriched who we are. We are better able to understand a lot of people and situations, having been through so much ourselves. I've been referred to as a "wounded healer", and I guess that describes me pretty accurately. Instead of being ashamed of that, however, I wear it as a badge, and I think you should too. It's not easy to come through so much intact, but I do think we have risen to the occasion and become strong people for it. You're right, this is a very supportive place, we're there for each other.
  24. Butch, I'm glad you're with Allen and his family and have Little Man beside you. I'm glad there's a group for grandparents with loss, it'll help to have those who understand and relate specifically. I hope you're treating your heart with kid gloves.