butterflygrl

In a week it'll be the two year anniversary of my mom's death. All month long I've been going farther and farther into a depression. There are times when I get to my breaking point and all I want to do is cry but I can't do it. I've had a hard time letting myself cry for years now and I usually end up resorting to cutting to release the pent up emotions. I'm really trying to avoid getting to that point. But lately it just doesnt seem like life is going to get any better. My sister wants me to go visit her over thanksgiving and i'm not sure i even want to do that. I hate admitting to my sister when theres something wrong. I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont feel safe really talking to anyone anymore because i know everyone has their own problems. I hate having to admit that i'm not as strong as everyone seems to think I am. I dont know whats wrong with me please help...

It will be two years on the 20th of this month since i lost my mother. I'm 19 years old now and I still just want to be able to curl up on my mom's lap and have her play with my hair like she used to.The thing is though that a depression hit me as soon as the month started. It seems like every day im looking at my scrapbook just thinking about what could of been and the way things were. Alot of people tell me that i've had to grow up fast and i'm stronger because of this. But it really doesnt help, when I think about what happened. My mom passed away when I was 17 and my dad a couple months later when I was 18. There's so much I never got to talk to her about, so much I didnt know about her life before she had me.I'm always worrying that i'm going to screw up and somehow fail her. I just wish I could have my mom back.

I'm only 18 I feel like I'm the youngest one here. This is my first Christmas without both of my parents and with me living on my own. I was in a foster home last christmas and they kept me so busy I didnt have a whole lot of time to break down. I finally started to grieve for my mom then my dad died in June to add to everything. My mom was my world and I still miss her more than anything. They just sold my old house the one where I bought a new tree and decorated it for her before she came home from the hospital after a surgery. I grew up in that house. I'm in my own apartment now I bought a lil tree and decorated it I went through the routine of buying Christmas presents for everyone, But it's not the same. I think i'm finally coming to grips with the fact that I'm here and they're both gone and neither are coming back. My apartment has looked for months like I just moved in. I think it's because I was hoping this was like all the foster homes i've been in over the 6 months before I turned 18. Although I think I was hoping to go home when I turned 18 and have things back the way they used to be.I've never felt like this was really my home. I still have my moms medical card and her blockbuster card and its just so hard to let go of that stuff. I know I need to let this go it's just hard to do.

I feel for you at this time. It's hard to deal with the death of a parent. When my mom was put in a nursing home and we knew she wouldnt come home my elder sister was power of attorney for her. My mom wasnt even gone when the house was almost completely emptied into dumpsters. Like you I wasnt there for most of it. It upset me that they were throwing away my entire childhood. It felt like a part of me was gone. My mom had three kids and we all reacted differently when she died. I was the one that was actually at the nursing home when she died and I went into a fog where I wouldnt let anyone call everyone else to let them know she was gone. I had been her caretaker prior to her to being taken to the nursing home. Now it's been over a year since her death. I'm still grieving for her In ways I think I'm grieving more now than ever because of circumstances that didnt let me grieve fully at that time. My Dad passed away this Past June and now the house has been sold to take care of debts. And his eldest daughter is in charge. My family was never close but since my parents death it seems that we are even farther apart. I've started to grow closer to my sister who was Power of attorney for my mother. I think once everyone has figured out how they need to grieve and begin the process then they will be able to become closer as a family. Unfortunately the person that bound you all together is no longer on earth so now there's no one physically binding you together. You have no reason to feel guilty you were there for your mother when she needed you. And you're acting like someone who's just lost their mother.You could try to talk to your sister if there's anything from the house you want try to get it before it's thrown out. I ended up with everything from my mom's room at the nursing home. Some things from the house that I felt were important to my mom I kept. This might all be senseless babble but I hope it helped you some. I hope things work out for you. Take care of yourself.

My mom died last october and my dad passed away this past June. This is the first year where they'll both be gone. I've been very withdrawn lately i dont want to be with anyone for the holidays, I just want to be alone and I dont even really care about decorating my first apartment or putting up a tree. I'll figure out a way to afford to give everyone christmas presents. But I just want to do it early so everyone will leave me alone on Christmas Day. I didn't have a choice last Thanksgiving and Christmas because I was in foster care. I'm not sure what's bringing this out in me. My house is being sold the one i grew up in and I'm not sure if that's what's bringing this out or what. What do I do? I miss my family. I miss being happy and really caring about things.

My dad passed away in June after 8 years of dealing with Alzheimer's Disease. I was a caretaker for him while he was at home. And i understand what you were saying. When I said goodbye to him at the funeral It was like i was saying goodbye to my child and not my father. I was making plans to go visit him when he passed away. Sometimes I think in my mind my dad died twice first mentally he died then physically he died. I think thats one of the hardest things to deal with is losing him twice. I just wanted to let you know I understand what you're talking about.

I'm sorry about your mom and about your dad's current condition. My father had Alzheimer's disease and we were advised to not tell him because it would make him sad but he wouldnt remember why he was sad. So we never told him that my mom was gone. I don't know what kind of Dementia he has so I dont know what to suggest really. All I can say is spend what time you can with him so that when he's gone you wont regret not having those memories of him. I regret that I didnt get to spend alot of time with my dad before he passed away. He may not of known me to see me but the only memory i have of him hugging me was when he didnt know me and I will cherish that memory forever. I'm still trying to deal with losing my mom and it's been over eight months since I lost her. It's hard you just have to keep going from day to day. I try to focus on what she wanted for me, because then i know i'm making her proud and honoring her memory. I hope this helped a little. If you ever want to talk i'm here.

I lost both of my parents this year. My mom passed away in October from brain tumors. She and I were extremely close I took care of her until Children and Youth Services found out. I was in a group home when she passed away and they actually had the nerve to tell me that if i didnt feel safe grieving there then i should just wait. Well I did It hit me when my dad passed away in June after 8 years of Alzheimer's disease he let go. When i said goodbye to him at the funeral It felt like i was saying goodbye to my child instead of my father. I took care of him I fed him, bathed him, got him dressed, got him to the bathroom. I was a caregiver for both of my parents. I just turned 18 in March and moved out on my own after being released from children and youth services care. And I've just felt lost ever since. I dont know where to go from here. If anyone ever wants to talk email me sometime because I need to talk to someone who understands what i'm talking about. my addy is oldnavy_133@hotmail.com