Jump to content

Maylissa

Contributor
  • Content count

    952
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About Maylissa

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Contact Methods

  • Website URL
    http://
  • ICQ
    0

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Canada

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    02/02/2000; 08/23/06; 01/02/04; 09/18/07; 02/29/04
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Recent Profile Visitors

1,044 profile views
  1. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Omg, Monica, if I had known you had to use your cell to read everything, I would have been far more concise!!! Your poor head and eyes!!! I can't even imagine.... But I hope those migraines disappear very soon for you so you feel better. No worries on when you reply, just get some rest and take good care!
  2. The Internet has a Cat! I came across this recently and wanted to share it with others, knowing how horrible it is to lose the physical sense of one's feline furchild being there with you. So far, it's a FREE service/site and I hope that continues, with enough donations! It is a cat purr generator and includes other vocalizations that you can control to your own liking, including type of purr, frequency/speed, and either the occasional OR frequent 'interruptions' of several, varied cat "talking"! I think it's BRILLIANT! Some of you may want, or need, to use it to fall asleep to, if you were dependent upon your furbaby's contented purring in bed with you. But you can play its unending loop any time you want. So far, I've found a few vocalizations that sound like each of my furchildren's, and it's a comfort, even years later, as if they're still in the room with me. The only thing missing is my girl's particular, rarer double-purr-all-at-once, but I have another CD for that, that's virtually identical. Please enjoy and feel soothed, while it's still up and running, and if you want to keep it up or get access to even more types of cat purrs, you can donate! To access this great resource and customize all its controls as you prefer, go to: https://purrli.com/ Also, do scroll down to read everything about it, it's fascinating!
  3. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Monica, I sincerely apologize for taking so very long to respond! Endless to-do's, then summer holidays, and my own ailments have overwhelmed me, and unfortunately, all but holidays are ongoing. But I was thinking about you the whole time and feeling badly I couldn’t get to this until now. I’m also so sorry you also suffer with migraines, on top of everything else. (have you looked into herbs like Butterbur, for those? or EFT tapping?) In any case, I’ll try to make up for my tardiness now, in this terribly lengthy response! (apologies in advance, and read it in little snippets if that works better for you!) You are most welcome for any kind of relief I can possibly provide in this dark night of the soul you’re going through. I am incredibly touched, too, that you were “crossing (your) fingers” to have me respond to your post! Truly, Monica, you cannot imagine how very grateful I am to hear such a sentiment, when my feeling of having worth to anyone is at an all-time low. So a huge THANK-YOU for making me feel so valued! I have more than a few thoughts on guilt. Firstly, guilt is the gateway to our conscience and as such, is part of our inner guidance system. Where would we be without feelings of guilt? We’d have no morals or ethics by which to conduct ourselves. So while the feeling feels bad, the guilt itself isn’t. It has a worthy purpose. Hence, I won’t try to talk you out of your feeling such guilt as I’ve learned from experience that, akin to anger or shame, guilt can also be used as an incentive to do better, or be more effective with various undertakings in the present and future. Whereas, if guilt is pushed down and ignored, our values and moral systems deteriorate, and often depression (from the unawareness of our own self-loathing and the refusal to look at our "shadow side") ensues as well. So we need to work with guilt, since it’s there for our spiritual growth. I have known people who either don’t allow guilt to surface, or are incapable of even feeling guilt or remorse in the first place. Those are dangerous people to be around, and are not the types you’d want making decisions on behalf of anyone, since their consciences are compromised or non-existent. But you can KNOW you’re not that type or you wouldn’t feel guilty, and therefore of course you deserve forgiveness! It is only those who don’t see or feel any real need for forgiveness (like sociopaths) who don’t “deserve” it, meaning, that no human has to try and forgive them if that’s their attitude. (this is actually also stated in the Bible, if that matters to you) So although it may be tough to do, I hope you can carry a wee bit of thankfulness for that guilt you’re plagued with. Whether any part of it is warranted or not, at least you know you DO have a conscience, and that can always be utilized for yours and others’ betterment. And whether that guilt ever evolves or disappears entirely or not, it’s obvious you’ve already learned from it and are already applying that learning. In other words, you’re not a "lost cause,” nor do you deserve to be. On a personal note, I’ve made what I consider to be some horrendous, ‘unforgivable' mistakes, too….or at least my earthly perception of them is that they certainly seemed unforgivable. My own fur-son begged to differ, however (discovered through one of the world’s best Animal Communicators I hired back then), and when I was racked with guilt/self-loathing/confusion/searing pain & ZERO self-forgiveness, he relayed this message to me about the guilt I was suffering over his final hours: “There IS nothing to forgive.” And he repeated that again, for emphasis, knowing I was doubting it. It took me many years to even begin to emotionally receive what he’d said, and I still carry a bit of guilt…yet not enough to stop me from growing from it. That deep-seated guilt spurred me to do even better for his beloved sister, our Nissa, and for her transition 6 years later, and that relieved a bit more of it, knowing I’d at least used it wisely. Sadly again though, another deficient vet ruined my girl’s and my final moments together (the vet sent out to do our home euthanasia was NOT the one I’d spoken to, resonated with, & had expected our clinic to send out; their primary vet was away yet again, so never attended to either of their deaths!), so I have to be content with the fact that I’d done my part for whatever had been under my control up till then, and then try and forgive myself for the deficiencies in my responses that I was incapable of correcting in the moment…all due to the crippling pain of knowing my baby girl was going to be gone from my life in mere moments…all while desperately trying to not sully her return to Spirit with my own inner turmoil. Much as I wish I’d done better, I have to somehow be content in knowing I did the best I was capable of in those moments. Do I feel some shame, still? Yes, a bit. Do I feel I could have done better by her? Yes, still. Do I think I made a wrong decision? Yes, in hindsight. But, at the same time I can also feel compassion for myself, for not being perfect, not knowing everything, for not stepping up as I would have normally done if I hadn’t been forced into a panicked state and having to make a wholly unexpected, last-minute choice on her behalf, thinking at the time that I was doing the better thing for her, then regretting it later, AS IF that vet knew more than I'd already been told! But who’s thinking “normally” when we’re put in such precarious positions, and we’re overwhelmed with deep-running emotions? Mainly only those who aren’t so “invested” in another’s life, or who can’t feel very deeply. We also have to factor in a known FACT...that being that the older, reptilian part of our brains -- the amygdala — kicks in and takes over when we’re flooded with upset, or afraid, causing physiological changes in us that actually render us “stupid," i.e. actually incapable of calm, rational thought. This, too, deserves self-forgiveness, because it really is out of our conscious control when it happens, and only if we are aware of this and can then use a personal arsenal of tools to self-soothe and bring our heart rates back down in the moment, can we hope to control it. But that physiological “moment” normally takes most folks at least 20 minutes to accomplish! And frankly, when faced with a serious situation that has us wanting to do the “right thing” by our loved one, I can barely imagine being able to use those tools to much good effect, since they involve doing things that bring us pleasure, and being able to step completely away from our worry or concern while doing them. So when we’re expected to make a snap decision on the spot???…how many people could or would respond with, “I need at least 20 minutes before I can give you an answer” ? And how many would even accept such a response? And in your particular case, it was a battle just to convince your husband to go to the vet in the first place, much less return a second time to give you more time to think or do some research first. Plus, I suspect you were also feeling some inner relief that at least you didn’t have to battle, again, over yet another medical cost/procedure argument with your husband. You can hardly blame yourself for your whole life for that whole-picture scenario. It’s understandable you jumped on-board that vet’s recommendation, given all this and your past experiences as well. I’ve even known of people who actively battled against vets’ insistence upon (in particular) Rabies vaccines. They had to be incredibly strong in the face of these nonsensical laws, and had back-up plans as part of their rational arguments against it. (perhaps you can google for what those arguments can consist of in the U.S., as I don’t remember where-all I’d come across these years ago, but some were brilliant!) The prevailing medical system has come to use such coercion and fear to push people into compliance, and imo, that’s just wrong. I’m facing such nonsense right now, but this time for myself, and am not sure I have enough resilience left to withstand the onslaught that results from trying to uphold my own rights to say “no." (nowadays you're often then labeled as a "non-compliant patient" and blackballed - nice!) So I’m saying, it’s not for the faint of heart. Most people aren’t that strong or well-equipped for such battle. I realize you’re not “most people,” though, and that alone makes you stand apart from the crowd, but as a similar type of person who by nature also leans toward (now tempered) perfectionism, perhaps trying to look at the bigger, more spiritually-driven picture might help? I don’t have the answers in your case, but for instance — what do you believe, or might you come to believe, about Divine Timing?...even if such a belief, or such pondering, doesn’t give you ALL the answers you want, but possibly some of them? What if, say, Baby Pearl's transition really was just as divinely timed, in the Big Picture, as her arrival into your life (it seems to me) was, for reasons you can’t yet fathom? Perhaps this is a gateway for you to start exploring such questions and more, and to aid in that, one of the gentlest, most respectful, and useful books I can suggest is: Saying Goodbye to Your Angel Animals:Finding Comfort After Losing Your Pet, by Allan and Linda Anderson. Their website is also lovely: http://www.angelanimals.net/ A note though - despite its title, I’ve NEVER said any actual “goodbye” to my own furchildren, because that would imply they’re truly gone, while I believe they’re only “invisible” to me on this earthly plane, but are still right with me, with NO real “distance” between us. I’ve never even quite finished this book, either, because I can still burst into tears at some of the exercises. Still, it’s a great guide and the authors are very heart-centered people. I also suspect you can’t help but feel even worse than you might otherwise, when you and your husband have such divergent viewpoints (at core) on the value of nonhuman beings. It can certainly make your grief feel sharper when there is no one to share in these common/natural feelings of crushing guilt. And so you take all of it upon yourself, alone, with no one at hand to share the emotional burden and the toll that takes. In turn, that can exacerbate the loneliness, guilt, and despair we feel when someone who loved us so greatly and who sustained our very spirit, is now absent. And because that’s missing, we can’t even imagine how those things might be felt less keenly if we had that kind of emotional support. I lived that, too, and speak from my own experience, as (only discovered recently) my husband has had (from birth) a neurological brain dysfunction that adversely impacts all interpersonal relations, particularly those of an emotional and closer nature. All of this is also made much harder if a partner is abusive - emotionally, verbally, psychologically, &/or physically. (yes, those are all deemed abuse now) Those feelings within grief loom even larger then, due to sheer sensory overload. Even worse if you’re an extra-"sensitive" type, which I think you likely are. (see Highly Sensitive People if you'd like to check) You’re right though, the old Monica has also died. But we “die” in everyday moments too, with experiences that change us on an ongoing basis. We are seldom ever exactly the same as we were earlier. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, though. But I know what you’re really saying — the sheer agony of never having felt as you do before now…well, I understand that feeling, and concur. Same for that feeling of losing who you thought you were, in other words, feeling like you failed yourself, too. I get it. They’re both terrible feelings to have to go through. I am presently facing more soul-crushing heartbreak that is slowly but surely killing me, yet so far, like you, there has been NO pain worse than that of losing my precious furkids, or feeling like I “failed” them in certain aspects (feels even worse than failing myself), much as you feel, too — through ignorance, lack of other knowledge I gained only later, trusting then distrusting my inner senses/intuition/inner voice, trusting vets who didn’t care or even understand at anywhere near the same level I did. So I get that, really I do. There has been NO human (or even other felines) in my life who could ever hold a candle to my relationship with my furkids, period. Many other people now openly attest to such feelings from the heart, so we’re NOT alone in that sentiment. It is what it is, whether others like it or not. So failing them as their parent?! That just wasn’t supposed to happen! But maybe it really wasn't failure, in the Divine scheme of things… Maybe you two had a soul pact with each other, to help each other grow, experience, FEEL DEEPLY into life, endlessly, for both your sakes, and those of others...but how it played out wasn't what you'd thought, here on earth, it would be. For myself, I suspect/intuit that the WHY my darling Nissa died when she did still hasn't quite finished playing out for me to see, yet I have a good sense of what it's all about, that Bigger Picture...but that's taken 11 years so far, and counting. As to why you once believed in the value of vaccines, who can blame you? In a nutshell, that’s what happens when entire populaces are deliberately duped into compliance with rules and ridiculous, irrational systems that seek to control, for greed and all such nefarious things. In essence, all you can really fault many of the vets and doctors for is not having either enough “smarts” or a strong enough desire to look more deeply into these faulty, reductionist systems of thought. And "reductionist" IS what the current health'care' model is based upon. There are pluses and advantages within even this faulty system, but there are also massive numbers of negatives. I've been waiting about 2 decades for the bulk of the world to finally catch up, but it's finally happening, slowly but surely. My patience has worn very thin by now, though. And truthfully, even such diseases as distemper can potentially be survived (though there may be some non-lethal damage left), given the right treatments soon enough. And sometimes there are survivors even without much intervention. But most vets wouldn’t accept that idea, while homeopathic &/or holistic vets certainly would. (how do you think they turned to studying homeopathy in the first place?…because they had more open and discerning minds than their colleagues and questioned the present medical model!) And as always, finances can impact procuring such treatments as well. In any case, I’d encourage you, but only as you’re able to emotionally handle it, to start searching for whatever you can find on re-educating yourself after the fact. I’ll help you if you like, as I'm able to. (just PM me through your Messenger in your profile here & I can give you some sources to begin where you like) However, most of us learn the HARD way, through medical tragedy and heartbreak. But we can’t keep beating ourselves up forever for not knowing what we didn’t know in the past. For whatever reason, many of us need that painful push to step out of our comfort zone. But the mark of having a conscience is that it will keep urging us forward, because we already learned something new that speaks to our core values. And so, the most useful answer is to listen to this higher calling and voice, and follow that up with some kind of action. Even simply allowing ourselves to feel the soul-crushing pain is an “action” all by itself, and that alone can take a lot of time and effort. Yet you’ve already taken it further and are seeking to inform others by sharing yours and Baby Pearl’s personal story. So I say “kudos!” to you. You’re doing better than you think you are, it seems to me. Personally, I feel blessed to meet someone like you. You feel deeply, you have a wonderful, working conscience, you are capable of deeper thought and introspection, you’re very kind, and your heart is certainly in a higher place when it comes to animals. What you “deserve” includes gratitude, from all those who are wired as you are, for being YOU, for being on this planet, and for wanting to better the world and help animals out! Please don’t give up on yourself. People like me highly depend on finding some kindred spirits in the world, in people like you! I know how it hurts, beyond comprehension, beyond what you think your heart can manage. My own heart was physically searing in pain over my furchildren’s deaths for many months afterwards, and it sank at every new piece of information I later found that I hadn’t had when it really counted. Sure, I already knew all I cared to know about vaccines (and even more info has come out since, all very depressing, yet self-empowering), but there were still other things I hadn't known about that actually were already around back then. And with every new piece of info, every new intervention that wasn’t available when we’d needed it, it stung afresh. I felt as if I would die from the earliest pain, and actually wished my heart would suddenly give out after my girl transitioned and I had no more furchildren. It has been a grueling and lengthy journey, that hasn't really ever stopped. But hopefully, I’ve helped educate and inspire a few others along the way. Hell, I’m still surprised at times when I actually remember something of what-all I learned back then! So I won’t tell you I know you’ll come out of it totally unscathed, because I couldn’t possibly know for sure. But I will tell you, to me, I see you as being worth the tough, internal struggle! And I’m quite sure your Baby Pearl thinks so, too. I truly believe she wouldn’t have loved you and your heart and soul as she did, if you were truly “unforgivable." I certainly know I was loved beyond measure by my kids, and continue to be (through all the ADCs I’ve received from them since), despite what I see as my abysmal failures. I’ve come to trust their spiritual assessment more than anyone’s. To not trust that would be dishonouring their very souls…something I could never, ever consciously do. At the very least, I hope you can come to that point too, in your own time and way. Similarly to what Kay (I believe?) said to you, someone I know in the animal rescue world once told me, “Every cat wants to be your cat!” One of the best, most cherished compliments I’ve ever received!!! And that helped me hang onto myself during my grief and heavy guilt. So please, DO fully receive what Kay told you, take it in, and ponder what good that reflects about you! And let me ask you this: Were the shoe on the other foot/paw, and Baby Pearl was instead the one who had to make a health decision on your behalf, and you died because of it...would YOU be unforgiving of HER and HER ignorance of what might happen as a result of that decision? I highly doubt you will answer "yes," simply because you LOVE her, and you would probably recoil in horror at the thought of not forgiving her for any "failing" she saw on her part. Remember, above all else, love is first and foremost a CHOICE, a decision to love. So conversely, how shallow would her love of you have to be, OR yours for her, to shut out any hope of forgiveness, to not FEEL that immense love as the most vitally important thing there is, or to not want with ALL your heart for your beloved to forgive themselves, should they be feeling guilt and self-loathing? That wouldn't even BE love. Think about it... In real love, "there IS nothing to forgive," when you get right down to love's core nature. All else is just our earthly conditioning with which we've been taught to hurt ourselves. Please try to hang in there, Monica. Your remaining catties need you, and this world needs you. Keep pouring your heart out here for as long as you need to, or for as long as it helps. We all need to feel heard, to express ourselves, no matter how excruciating our feelings or thoughts may be. That's one way we slowly work through it all. Many hugs and purrs, and hoping your find more comfort even in the midst of your great sorrow, Maylissa
  4. Animal Hospice Care & Support Helpline

    Yes, she is indeed, Marty! Here's another "if only"....if only all vets were like her!
  5. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Hi Monica, Just popping in quickly to say I simply haven't had time yet to finish (yes, I did start, though!) my response back to you, but am still thinking of you and all that's been said here on your thread! I'll try my best to reply when I can, but with summer holidays starting imminently, can't promise exactly when that may be. In short though, I think you're doing quite well in already growing from your devastating experience...and I also agree with pretty much everything that Kay has already shared. Hang in there as best you can! Oh, and if you're interested, this is our (previous) homeopathic vet's book (Dr. Don Hamilton DVM), now revised/updated. Don was a fantastic "distance" vet for me and my girl and I can't recommend him enough! There is much vital information in it on vaccinations as well (see Chapter 16 under the "Look Inside" button), and I'd encourage you to read it if at all possible: https://www.amazon.ca/Homeopathic-Care-Cats-Dogs-Revised/dp/1556439350 Don is no longer living in Mexico however, last I heard. But again, last I knew, he is still practicing and doing consults/care via phone or Skype. His fees have risen a fair bit since I used him, though, so may be out of reach for many.
  6. Hi All, I'm sure I've posted info about this before, but it's been awhile, and after just receiving notice that Dr. Ella Bittel DVM will be presenting a workshop on Animal Hospice at the "Art of Dying" conference in NYC this Oct (2017), I thought I should re-post her website [Spirits In Transition] again for anyone interested in learning about her groundbreaking work, in advance of your beloved animal's passing. She has a wonderful new intro video on the Home page that I encourage everyone to watch, where she explains the general concept. All these years later, I still regret her work wasn't known and available to me when my own furkids (especially my boy) were in need of home hospice care and I had no one to really turn to, to educate me in all the intricacies required. My only comfort remains that it turns out, I did pretty darn well with it (although mainly for my girl), regardless. But for those who have the luxury of time to learn beforehand, Ella offers online courses now (and in-person weekend seminars), as well as the Support Helpline for those already providing home hospice care, with medical euthanasia being viewed as a "truly last resort." Her site: http://www.spiritsintransition.org/ If by chance you're also interested in attending the above conference in person (unfortunately, Ella's workshop is NOT part of the live-streamed option), you can find that information here: https://interactivepdf.uniflip.com/2/8815/1084026/pub/html5.html And: https://www.artofdying.org/art-dying-conference-6-overview/ Here is what Ella will speak to: Those sharing their lives with an animal companion dread the day they will face a seemingly inevitable decision. Euthanasia is promoted as the last gift we owe our animal loved ones and the question when is the “right time” to utilize it has occupied many brilliant minds. But what if there was no need to make such a decision? Could the “right time” be when the animal dies in its own time after living its life in full? Could euthanasia be reserved for exceptional situations, rather than being the standard answer to normal changes and any challenges in animal end-of-life care? Could our last gift be giving comfort care? What would our animal want? Exploring these questions may seem daunting at first, yet contemplating them well ahead of time is key to being at choice at all at a critical juncture in your animal loved one's life.
  7. Nearing 7 months withou fuzzy

    Missy Mocha sounds like she was a hoot of a girl! Yes, often, for cats who spray on things, it's simply a "territory" thing, and it can't be changed no matter what is tried. I know a cat like that, although NOT "everything" I'd gifted her person with by way of 'treatment' was followed through with, so she's still doing it at around age 19 by now. The important thing though is that her person doesn't mind. I ADORE Jackson Galaxy and am SO glad he's doing all he does for cats (and their too-often-ignorant people)! But I've seen cats change remarkably, depending on mainly what the humans influencing them are like, or even by a simple but respectful change in their name, to one they prefer to be called. But agreed, it's up to us to "discover" who they are. Yet I never say "never," either. It's just like with people... 21 years old....sigh! If only they could ALL live at least that long! SO wonderful that she has a forever home with you and doesn't have to worry about that plight anymore! Yes, sigh, I know sharing our lives with these amazing beings makes life so much richer and worth living. If I weren't suffering the other multiple, heavy-duty traumas and resultant "projects" I currently am, I might finally ask my kidlets to return, or at least adopt some others. But right now, I can't afford taking on any more "prices" for loving another, or there won't be anything left in me TO give. I did visit the opening day of the first (here) local cat cafe´ awhile back though, where you pay a small fee (which goes to the rescue org. the cats come from) for the privilege of playing with a small group of adoptable cats/kittens for a predetermined time (the whole first "batch" of them have already gone to homes now, yay!), and it was wonderful, especially after having soon lost the one neighbourhood cat who'd made friends with me this spring, and who's most likely already died at only age 1, it sounded like. The wild birds seem to have heard my lonely call too, and have kept me hopping in rescuing THEM instead, ever since last summer! Thankfully, our second house wren nest in 2 years was successful this summer in raising their family (the first ended in total tragedy), and I caught the wrenlettes' fledging day a few wks ago, ending up with one of the 6 or 7 of them right on my chest, clinging there for a couple of minutes with my hand underneath his tiny, little body, before he rejoined his siblings in our bush!!! I'd post a pic but I was alone so didn't manage to get one of this particularly thrilling moment. My short stint as their parent's helper (had to shoo 2 of them off the street, back towards our yard) only lasted about 2 hours though, as baby wrens are pretty much "ready to GO!" as soon as they fledge, and weren't anywhere to be seen by the next morning. Still, it was LOVELY while it lasted!!! Now I miss them, too, of course....
  8. My 19 year old fur-baby is dying!

    mtnheart, yes, anticipatory grief is HORRIBLE. And your Boi's story reminds me of my own fur-boy's. (has anyone checked him for a cancerous condition??) My furchildren also had a lot of Siamese in them (within unknown/mixed bloodlines), so I know how imagining the loss of those heavenly characteristics is just UNimaginable! Too many vets these days throw in the towel just because of myths about "age"...both for humans and non-humans. It disgusts me no end, as if life is just that cheap. Maybe keep trying to find a different, HOLISTIC &/or homeopathic vet who is willing to work with you and not just give up all hope too soon. I managed to keep my fur-daughter going (with failing kidneys & likely more we didn't know about) until she was 19 yrs, 7 months, with excellent homeopathic care (Dr. Don Hamilton, DVM) via distance appts, a local integrative vet, her "team" of specialists for her progressive conditions, and my own dedicated, natural home care, plus 2 meds we had to resort to in her final 3-4 months. I would have done ANYTHING I could have for her and her brother. Regardless of what else you might do, my best advise would be to be with your Boi as much as possible and in the most high-quality ways you can think of, no matter what happens. Try to not create scenarios to suffer heavy regret over later. And...get as many recordings of his beautiful voice while you still can!!!, plus videos and pictures galore!...things you will never regret having. Hang in there as best you can...
  9. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Monica, Firstly, I offer you my heartfelt condolences on the devastating and sudden loss of your beloved fur-daughter, Baby Pearl. You have my utmost sympathy, both in knowing how very many people and their furbabies this kind of thing happens to, and for sounding like such a kindred spirit in some very key ways. Your story breaks my heart, too, it got me crying as I read it and felt your anguish pouring through your words, and I can truly empathize on several levels. I understand the high degree of responsibility you feel for your precious girl’s well-being and life, and I applaud that, more than you could know. But as tragic as Baby Pearl’s story is, I cannot see you as a “murderer,” even though I can certainly understand why and how you would feel that way. But to my mind and heart, such a harsh description doesn’t fit, because her death was not a premeditated action by you, nor was it your desire by any means! At worst, your unawareness about vaccines and their potential effects (which many people still don’t know anything about, decades after this controversy was revealed) may have indirectly contributed, but this was a mistake made innocently, not deliberately, with intent to harm. And if I read it right, it was actually your husband who agreed to the rabies shot, not you. (and btw, apparently there are some ways to get around state-mandated vaccine laws, that a Google search should reveal, and which arose later directly because of people’s concerns) And I do not agree with your husband’s general perspectives, either, but with yours. I also admire your persistence and resourcefulness on both yours and your furbabies’ behalf. To have to fight for their basic healthcare needs, to me, is unconscionable. Unfortunately, many, many other people have discovered the same,or similar tragic effects of vaccines, once it’s too late to go back and undo them. Although vaccines didn’t outright kill my own furchildren, they still had terrible, lasting effects which we then had to try and mitigate for the rest of their lives, and which also most likely contributed to at least my boy’s untimely death. In other words, their health declined in insidious ways after their LAST-EVER vaccination, when it was too late to completely undo the obvious damage done. Now I don’t buy into the whole vaccination myth (for any living being, except possibly in certain instances), having had my eyes and mind opened right up since. Lessons like these are extremely hard to take. Had I known more sooner, my choices for their overall healthcare would have been vastly different. But I then did what I could with this new information — changing their vet to an integrative one (who taught me LOTS more) and in later years (for my girl, following her brother’s death) to also work in tandem with an internationally-known homeopathic vet, taking charge of their healthcare needs, changing up their diet, learning natural means of care and energy methods, asking numerous questions of their health providers before making decisions on their behalf, and much more. It was a "Call To Evolve” for all our sakes, and I took it up with a driving passion. It became a large part of their Life Legacy. Yet without those tragedies and my resultant guilt and shame, I wouldn’t have taken the life-altering path I did. My undying love for my furchildren, and how they paid for my original (yet understandable/forgivable) ignorance, absolutely changed my whole life. I owe them everything good that’s come of it. Your own feelings of severe guilt and devastation prove your love for your girl, all by themselves. And your drive to warn others is both deserving of praise, as well as now becoming a part of Baby Pearl's own, loving legacy. I hope you can take some small comfort in knowing you are already making good use of your grief over her, and to the benefit of all. I truly feel for you. Maylissa
  10. Nearing 7 months withou fuzzy

    I'm so sorry, Kay, for your fresh-er loss and grief of only a year so far. I remember (as much as I'll let myself) how awful those early times in grief are. And I hope to never have to feel the intense, soul-crushing agony that my fur-children's deaths were for me, ever again. Throughout my whole life, I've actually always been shocked and dismayed when others are surprised, or suddenly discover through loss, that all cats (doesn't seem to be applied to dogs, for some odd reason) aren't cookie-cutter replicas of each other. "Of course they're not, since everyone is a unique individual! How could they not be?" I've found myself saying time after time. I have a theory as to why so many people think this way, at least about cats, but that's another discussion... That's so sweet a description of your Miss Mocha, though..."a flirt with men, very, very feminine." I can relate, as Nissa, too, had a "very sweet, soft energy" (as one ACer I'd used validated in those words) as well, that was palpable in her life. But she was only a "flirt" with her Mommy! Only one lone time did she ever kiss her Daddy -- only ONE little kiss, when she was a bit groggy from napping in his lap. Then she opened her eyes, looked up at his face, and stopped mid-smooch, as if realizing her mistake! How could I NOT have felt like The Most Special Person In The Universe! in the face of that?! And so it remained, for all of her nearly 20 years with me. Just as heart-melting, the very FIRST time she ever started kissing me on the mouth, was after her spaying operation, when she'd woken up in her carrier and suddenly peed all over her fur, and I had to gently clean her off as best I could. I was SO blown away with awe and adoration for my little girl's amazing and wholly unexpected display of gratitude and love, and those feelings became part-and-parcel of all our then-daily "love-making" sessions from then on. Oh my....how incredibly blessed I was...and I know she felt the same. I also had 2 budgies (at separate times) when I was young who each would share 'kisses' with me with using their beaks...the girl even going into a transfixed TRANCE as I kissed her, stretching her body into an arc, straining her head to meet my lips, with her eyes going "mental," getting those grey/white rings around them as budgies get when blissed-out or excited. Again, oh my....sheer delight for both of us. I have one, lone picture of this precious ritual of ours, when I was about 4 or 5 yrs. old, and I treasure it as the very personal and powerful introduction to my lifelong adoration of non-human beings and their capacity to both give and receive such amazing love. And so, lattiee, and Kay, and anyone else so fortunate to have had furred, feathered, or whatever kinds of loved ones who expressed themselves and shared their love for us via lip kisses (which isn't all that common, I've found, for certain species who live with us humans), although it hurts us so greatly to lose those sacred physical demonstrations of deep connection -- even though we're not really supposed to use this phrase during grief -- I still think that "at least" we did get to experience that kind of very close bond with another species, to always be treasured in our hearts and minds. And as the old song says, "no, they can't take that away from me..."
  11. Nearing 7 months withou fuzzy

    It's been nearly 11 years since I lost my beloved Nissa-girl (grey cat in my avatar) and the daily sharing of our "million kisses," which was honestly more like "necking," it was so intense, and so rich with overflowing LOVE. And I STILL miss it in some way, every day...just not as acutely and heart-wrenchingly, and even physically painfully as in the first few years after her transition. NO ONE has ever kissed me like my girl did, and I suspect no one ever will. Her kisses came from her FULL HEART & SOUL, no matter how light, or how passionate. And being an utlra-sensitive person, I was able to receive their full measure.....sheer heavenly bliss. What I also miss now is the sensory remembrance of how glorious her kisses felt on my lips. It's another sad layer to add to my mourning.
  12. Mother's Day

    Oh, Mary, I'm in turn touched by the fact that you read my post "several times"! You're so right -- only 3 years at most for your precious furbabies' passings, is too soon, imo, to expect to not feel overwhelmed with the grief. It took me MANY years to be able to set the sorrow aside for even a few moments here and there on Mother's Day, even if we were doing something I'd wanted to do....mainly as a distraction of sorts. And I remember your enchanting story about the violets and Lucy, and Allie! (just re-found and re-read that whole thread again now) It was all so BEAUTIFUL!!! And to know those violets have spread "all over" your yard now!.....surely a testament to how love even GROWS STRONGER AND LARGER after our furkids have gone! After my Sabin's transition, I had made up a personal obituary which I framed, to honour him. I included the famous poem from which I would often verbally express snippets to him throughout our days as mother & fur-son. And so heart-breakingly, after his passing, I came to know just how very true and powerful the last line is, as the longing, yearning, and feelings of love directly and equally mirror the sorrow of our loss. I'm just betting you will likely agree... How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43) Elizabeth Barrett Browning, 1806 - 1861 How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of being and ideal grace. I love thee to the level of every day’s Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for right. I love thee purely, as they turn from praise. I love thee with the passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death. This poem never fails to give rise to tears for me, no matter how long it's been... So far, this Mother's Day morning has been a bit magical, and certainly far better than the one I experienced 2 years ago, thank goodness! I received 3 cards on behalf of my furkids (one generic "playtime" card, and one from each of Nissa and Sabin). My H's slowly learning to NOT forget Mother's Day! These were followed soon thereafter by a quick visit to our yard by a new-to-the-neighbourhood tabby cat who sometimes swings by. Knowing my furkids, who NEVER forget me on Mom's Day, they sent him round, so I'd at least have a lovely cattie to see, even briefly, to help me feel a bit more "normal." Later on, we may take a walk or bike ride in nature, which usually calms my soul and heart a bit. And perhaps I'll receive even more signs at that time, since my kids often use other critters to send ADCs my way. But as always, I'll just honour and allow the feelings to flow, in and out, up and down, as they arise. It's important to not be terrified of the natural and understandable pain surfacing as it may need to, in order for it to not become trapped in our bodies, minds, and energy fields. Whatever you decide to do or avoid, remember, that's your prerogative and right. I wish for whatever your spirit needs to make your way through this tough day. But I'm also asking the angels and nature devas to help facilitate signs of continuing love for you from your furchildren, too, so you can re-experience the feelings of that sacred bond you will always have with each other. Perhaps you could also try a peaceful little communion with those lovely violets, asking them if they have any messages for you.... In heartfelt empathy on this Mother's Day, Maylissa, Nissa, and Sabin
  13. Mother's Day

    I loved this. There's a post on another grief site about Mother's Day, from the perspectives of a collective of mothers who have lost human children. But what I had always found was that it was the writings about human child loss that spoke to me the very MOST, in many deeply poignant and emotional ways. So this is how I feel about my motherhood, Mother's Day, and the loss of my FURchildren...and a few select others I've since lost as well, after all these years of caring for and coming to love other people's cats too, albeit not as strongly as my own. Just substitute "cat," "cats," or "furchild/furchildren" where appropriate, and take out certain "milestones" mentioned, and these echo my sentiments as well: A Mother's Chorus, on the "What's Your Grief" site My favourite parts of this post are: "This day will forever be hard for me. I live with an emptiness that no one can fill; so I may be sad, I may be unsociable, and I may need to take a break to be by myself in a quiet place. Whatever shape my grief takes on this day, please allow me to feel the way I feel and please follow my lead. Beyond that, acknowledge me as a mother. It makes me feel forgotten and as though my child [furchild/children] has been forgotten when people act as though my child [furchild/children]] never existed. Also, I can sense that people feel uncomfortable talking about my child [cat/cats/furchildren] and I constantly feel like the elephant in the room, but it doesn’t have to be this way. Honestly, I find it really comforting when someone talks about my child [cat/cats/furchildren]. I love hearing their name spoken out loud! I love hearing stories about them. Maybe you know a story I’ve never heard, or maybe I’ve heard it a hundred times before, but it really doesn’t matter to me. Your acknowledgment alone is one of the greatest Mother’s Day gifts you could give me." "...Believe you will be okay and have hope that in the future you will find yourself in a place where you can grieve and celebrate on Mother’s Day all at the same time." That is exactly what I do - grieve and celebrate (as in for example, making a formal toast to my furkids) - even now, almost 11 years, and 17+ years, respectively, after my furchildren's transitions. I remain fiercely and unabashedly PROUD of having been a mother to my beloved furchildren. And to anyone who might dare try to disenfranchise my grief and losses, I say, "bring it ON!" I will defend our love for each other no matter what anyone else wants to think. My heart and soul KNOW it's all true, and highly sacred, and that's what matters the most.
  14. Guilt and Grief

    I'm so sorry about your dear Frankie's death. Try to remember, losing someone can only be easy if there were no bonds of love. But just to touch upon some of the points you spoke of (above): - With all those meds, and some in particular, it's not surprising to me that she was "struggling," as you said, or starting to react on her skin as well. I'd say that's pretty common, just as it is for humans on such prescriptions all at the same time. I've suffered several of these symptoms myself, without (chronically, so as part of some condition), or directly because of the proscribed use of some such meds. - I'll avoid those platitudes you mentioned, mainly because I don't think they're ultimately very helpful, and because I never use them myself, because how could I really know those things for certain anyway? (not without communing with an individual animal firsthand, and experiencing a claircognizance [clear knowing] directly) - As to the guilty feelings you're concerned with, I might offer that your "trouble accepting" is, and will of necessity be, part of your grief process, and likely cannot be avoided so easily, nor neatly compartmentalized away from the big picture that comprises grief. We all prefer to rid ourselves of so-called "negative" feelings such as guilt, as fast as possible. Yet I've learned (the hard way) that guilty feelings are often produced for various reasons, and so, are what we often need explore. Who's to say other feelings of bereavement are really "more crucial," when (imo) they all play a necessary part in working through everything? For myself and my life to date, guilt has been one of the strongest teachers and growth-honing (albeit terrible-feeling) impetuses. I've also seen the extremely damaging opposite -- where someone either refuses, or is incapable of feeling any guilt...not a pretty or healthy picture. I think, much like anger having been made into a "dirty word" in our culture, in truth, we would not experience these kinds of feelings without there being some positive USE for them to even exist. For instance, without any feelings of guilt, how healthy could our consciences ever be? Or how could we experience remorse, from which we (hopefully) improve ourselves? So I believe a balance can and need be struck between the terms "inappropriate" (not useful) and "appropriate" (useful) guilt, terms which I believe I first learned of on the GH site. But only the individual can explore and discover which is which within themselves. I hope that helps, and once more, my condolences on your loss.
  15. I had my beautiful border collie put to sleep

    My apologies, Chrissy, as I never got back here to add that at least one Communicator I can recommend is Teresa Wagner at: https://www.animalsinourhearts.com/animal-communication.html There are others, too, who have proven their skills, but Teresa's heart is also superlative when it comes to imparting the messages and "feel" of a telepathic connection with your loved ones. I don't think you could go wrong by her services, and certainly your heart couldn't be in better hands. Some can be technically excellent in their communications, yet don't even sound empathetic, which is essential at such times. As for counselling, I'd suggest that first and foremost, ask directly of anyone you're considering, what their views are on animals as a whole, to ensure your own perspective on your relationship with Poppy isn't disrespected or minimized, or even pathologized as "sick" in some way(!), before you book with anyone. Many therapists out there can do more damage if they aren't well enough aligned with or trained specifically to deal with "animal loss" and bereavement.
×