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Found 13 results

  1. A little over a month ago my soulmate was in a fatal car accident. I drive a truck so I had just delivered my load and got a phone call. She was in MI working when someone crossed into her lane hitting her vehicle head on. It was instantaneous for her, which was a blessing. I had to leave my truck and go up there to get her in MI. I had no one to help me or to really understand what I needed. Anyway less than 24 hours had passed and her kids (22 & 21) filed a lawsuit for Wrongful Death, with the guidance of another relative. I found out this like two weeks later, as well as one of those kids filing for Administratrix of the Estate, basically trying to make sure I had no say. Anyway she had a two life insurance policies. Our main life insurance and a secondary for her kids. Oh I raised those kids for 18 years. She and I never got around to getting a will drawn up. We discussed how to make sure things were done. Her kids had a whole separate policy and my kids were to get about $25k each. The rest was for bills and me to put away some, as well as have some to survive off of for a bit. Long story short I gave my kids the $25k each and her kids $15k the oldest had a baby, and the other of her kids $10k. Well one of my kids told the other children I only gave her $200, even though I told her about her banks rules. So this started a shhhh storm. Needless to say I am now the most horrible person on this earth, not welcome in my own home, and told that I deserve nothing but to die. This is starting to weigh heavily on me and I know it's a trial, but it is so hard when I have done nothing but try to support them. I plan on selling the house she and I had, moving and buying one. Anyone been through this and how do you cope, does it ever feel as though the weight is lifting off you? I don't know if the relationship with the kids can ever be saved. I know that I did what was asked and now it seems as though greed has kicked in.
  2. What do I do now?

    On May 1 it will be one month since my mom passed away. We don't know what happened, I said goodnight to her one night and the next morning she as gone. We just had the services a few days ago, and while it still doesn't feel completely real that she isn't here, it is definitely starting to sink in. I feel like I'm going in and out of shock. One moment, I'm totally fine and the next the world is crashing when I realize Mom isn't here any more. I don't know what to do with myself or how to properly support my dad, brother, and sister. I don't know what to do about the constant fear and anxiety I've been feeling since she died, and I feel like when I reach out to people around me, it makes them uncomfortable. Which as they have never experienced this themselves, I know they don't know what to say or do. And I don't hold that against them, but I still feel so helpless. I don't know what to do next or what my new role is. I don't know how to start working through the nightmares, the fear, anxiety and helplessness.
  3. It's been 2 years since I lost my mom to cancer. She was 66 and so full of life. I have no other family here besides my husband and 2 daughters. She was our family. I feel like I was cheated. I write to her in a journal all the time. I listen to her old voicemails, I pretend she walks back into our lives. I haven't accepted her death. I don't have family here or any good friends. I used to do everything with her. Now everything is so lonely. I have amazing times with my husband and 2 kids but I feel like I need more. Before, it used to be her.
  4. hi. i am a 44 year old woman (single) and no kids. i have been estranged from my 2 sisters and one brother since my father died 3 years ago and i had to hire an attorney against 2 of my siblings. we went to meditation and have not spoken since. my heart broke but i did my best to move forward with my life. my father kidnapped my sisters, my brother and myself from our mother when i was about 7. my mom found us but decided to leave us with our father , who she knew was abusive and had married a horribly abusive woman. my mother has never been able to really acknowledge her lack of reponsisbility as a mother - preferring to just "move forward" which meant for me , that I had to just never really have needs and just kind of accept what she wanted to offer me. she was not abusive, just self centered and very "private." i decided, yet again, after my father died, that my mother wasn't acting in a way that i felt safe around and it was too much for me to keep trying to not have needs and just be a smiling happy daughter..... so i decided to stop talking to her again (a lot of awful things happened with my siblings after my father died and she wasn't supportive of me and that felt like a 2nd abandonment to me). I just got a call from my moms best friend 2 days ago that my mother was diagnosed a year ago with lung cancer (she's been a smoker my whole life), she lives in miami and i live in los angeles. she has been through chemo and is now in hospice at her own apt. she is also now too medicated to talk on the phone or even look at her phone. (I found this out from one of her broken english speaking nurses). no one in my family will accept my phone calls or texts, and when I spoke to my aunt (my mothers sister) she told me that she didn't think it was her job to tell me my mother had cancer and started blaming me for hurting my mother by being estranged. the thing is - now i am not able to talk to my mother, she can't answer her phone, i have no idea how long she has left (doesn't seem like long), and i do not know what to do. i do not know if i am supposed to get on a plane and go see her, or if it's more of a self loving thing to do and the best self care for myself, to start greiving for her here where i have my own support system and friends who love me. for whatever reason my siblings hate me - and refuse to speak to me or give me any information about my mother. they do not return my calls or texts. i just literally found all of this out - my older brother and sister i guess moved to miami (my 2 sisters and my brother all lived in los angeles) 9 months ago to take care of my mother. again no one told me. this is all a lot for me to try to stomach and process. i know my mother did not hate me - and her best friend kept telling me that "your mother planned to tell you herself, but she just got very sick and we didn't see it coming so i am calling you now" - and i am hearing through a mutual friend of one of my sisters that apparently my mother asked my siblings not to tell me she had cancer. I really do not know what the best idea is for me - to go say goodbye to my mom across the country without the support of people who know me, and possibly exposing myself to my extremely toxic siblings and relatives (when they were angry with me after my father died - they told me i was not allowed into my fathers home unless they were there to "watch" me) all the way across the country. It took me 2 years to get my life back to a stable place emotionally after everything i went through with my siblings after my father died. i cannot do it again. anyone with any experience or thoughts around this would be so so so very helpful. thank you all so much.
  5. It has been nearly three months since my mother passed away and I miss her terribly. She could be warm, funny, and a great conversationalist but I am filled with guilt as I type this. She could also be so abusive that I carry a diagnosis of complex PTSD. She was hospitalized in the final two months of her life and despite her declining health, she was charming, funny and nurturing to the doctors, nurses, friends, and family members around her. She was none of those things to me. She said horrific things to me. From the start my mother loved me (she told me so) but she deeply disliked me. She was very close to my brother and (later) his wife, and I am working very hard to not let my jealousy hurt my relationship with them. It was no more their fault than it was mine. People still email me and talk about what wonderful things she did for them and how kind she was. They are mourning her too but they knew a different person that I did. So, where do I go from here? I loved my mother very much. I made a conscious decision to forgive her and, when moments of honesty happened and she seemed to show an awareness of how she treated me, I told her so. I told her I loved her and that it didn't matter anymore. I worked very hard in the final 10 years of her life to build a solid relationship with her. What I learned after her death was that we were really no closer than she was to her friends at church. She confided and was open to my sister-in-law and one or two very close friends. OK, I am glad she had a support system, but I feel very hurt. I really don't know how to move forward.
  6. My Mother Passed away on July 4th 2016 Let me give you background How close my Mother and I are/were We talked on the phone a few times a day, then I would go over and spend 5 or more hours with Mom, we sent each other cards once a week to cheer each other up and I would buy her flowers once a month ( she could keep flowers going strong looking fresh for 2+ weeks) She is my best friend and purpose for life. I try not to use past tenses. I'm her Son, friend, caregiver and would do anything to keep her happy, motivated and continue going with whatever I could research and buy to keep her as comfortable as possible with health issues. I would buy her nice gifts whether it was a $400 Armani Tinkerbell , sericels , even little stuffed animals ,her whole house was filled with collectibles which made her happy. The only reason I looked forward to Christmas was to see her open the many gifts I got her. She had a difficult life with a bad marriage, my father was verbally abusive to all of us especially Mom and like all women Mom tried to keep the peace and not let me get aggressive with him. When he died in 2000 she was finally free and happy but only a few good years before the health declined. She had emphysema, diabetes, kidney issues, cancer polyps etc. as the years went by things got worse with neuropathy in both hands & feet could no longer drive walking was difficult, in and out of hospitals 24/7 oxygen nebulizer prednisone, she got weaker and weaker, the last ten years she had a very rough health declining issues that made her life very frustrating and painful.I left my job for 2 year to take care of her when she had blood clots, then 3 years later I took off 3 years to take care of her so she could live at home and never go to a nursing home. 2 years ago I had a TIA stroke and I had to move in with Mom for 2 weeks because I was so weak and shaky so, we took care of each other. It was always Me & Mom whether it was Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas even though sister lives close it was Mom and I that stayed Catholic, had same political views, same taste in TV shows and the only time I felt relaxed and comfortable was going over to Mom's house and spending the day with her. I had my time with women in my 20's & 30's but my health declined with anemia, iron IV's diabetes & the TIA so we enjoyed each others company and would confide in each other and talk about the news or whatever was going on. My life was dedicated to Mom , all my time was spent trying to find a way to keep her going. Now I'm conflicted part of my brain doesn't accept she is not there, I'll have panic attacks at times. Going to the store and seeing Halloween things made me sad I would buy her a animated stuffed animal and some fun cards but got a empty gut feeling remembering I can't buy it for her and make her smile. The other part of my brain is more rational and reminds me that she was in so much pain, suffering and her body just wouldn't let her go on anymore. She had such a horrible humiliating and painful passing. It started with weakness and breathing problems. The hospital got her steady after 2 weeks but her bed sores were getting worse and painful. I guess because of the skin age it kept breaking open, she tried to keep busy on her feet even though it was painful. When she got home even though nothing changed her blood sugars went crazy, had a diabetic coma, the paramedics resolved it but then she got C diff. it makes you go all the time you can't control it and when you can't walk very much you have to wait for someone to walk you to the bathroom and help get you cleaned up. I tried my best but then she got dehydrated and incoherent which was heartbreaking to see. Back to the hospital. Horrible waiting for nurses to change you plus was multiplying the bed sores. The hospital pushed her out after 2 weeks so she went to a rehab which I researched and got the best possible but again she had to wait to be changed , I did my best bringing in her favorite food, although she couldn't each very much. The rehab people are polite, helpful did their best but when you keep going over and over it takes everything out of you and was embarrassing, painful and frustrating. I got Mom home but we had to still get her to the bathroom but she was getting weaker and weaker and harder to get her to her feet so we finally had to call hospice. She was frustrated that she couldn't even stand because of weakness. I was fooling myself trying to convince her we just need to get your strength back and Hospice would put her back on regular medical Insurance. Her mind was still sharp. She start having bad dreams and reacting scared to loud noises as Hospice had advised us. I held her hand and tried reassuring Mom. She all of a sudden said something is very wrong, something is happening. I said I Love You, Mom said I Love you so much then she went into a coma. It was a long painful week of watching Mom in the coma, we gave her medication for pain. It was on July 4th my brother and sister were sleeping and she took her last breath in front me. I try to remember the good times but I see the terrible pain and humiliation she had to go through. I don't know what to do with my days I go through boredom, depression, try to distract myself and with the holidays coming up will be a stressful time without her. I guess my poor health keeps me distracted but my Brother and sister seem to have moved on and really don't respond to times when I want to talk about Mom. That's where I'm at
  7. My mother died on November 6th 2015. Every time I think of it, I cannot breath and then go into a sobbing fit. I don't know how to move forward. Some days I feel okay and somewhat normal. Other days are like today. I have so much guilt I don't know what to do. I was planning a vacation for my husband and me. Planning was done in February 2015 for a cruise in November 2015. While planning, I had a gut feeling. I couldn't tell you what it was, just something not right. I bought insurance (which I never do). Around September 2015, my mother decided to see a doctor (even was not big on Western doctors and medicine). She was only going to prove everyone wrong (everyone except for me thought she may have suffered a small stroke as you could no longer understand her when she tried to talk). Test came back negative. No stroke. She and I knew it. She didn't want to go for countless tests as she said she was not a lab rat. The Dr. Said that just the physical looks and speach, she is diagnosing ALS. She fell a couple times within two weeks and two weeks before my trip. I talked to her a couple of times telling her I wanted to cancel. She insisted that we go. My son was going to stay with her to watch her and help and my dad was going to stay at my house to be with my daughter. My son was 21st his girlfriend was leaving the next week so he really wanted to spend time with her. My mom wanted my daughter (17) to stay with her. My dad was at my house taking care of my dogs. When my daughter got up at 6 am to check on grandma, she found my mom had died. My daughter tried to call my dad but he was in the shower and didn't answer. He called back when he was out. The phone lines got crossed and all he could do was listen to 911 instruct my daughter on giving her grandma CPR. I saw my aunts post on face book while in the airport waiting to come home. I feel guilty, horrible, despicable and everything else. I knew in my heart I should have canceled. I should have never put every one in that position. I could have spent more time. I know my daughter is messed up. She turned 18 and moved out. I know the family is a constant reminder for her, so she doesn't talk to us. I know my dad is lonely. My son feels guilty for not being the one home with her and I put everyone in these shoes. I'm the only child of my parents (and put them through he'll when I saw younger. I have only recently been able to start making up for how horribly I treated them). When will I start to be okay? When will the guilt, depression, anxiety and fear of my father being so lonely / passing ease?
  8. I'm just wondering why I can't seem to cry. I've experienced the roughest 6 months of my life. My father whom I lived with died in December from a heart attack, which I witnessed. I still live here, with my step-mother because this is my home. But this past week I got the news that my mother who was suffering from years of anxiety/depression & other sorts of mental illness, killed herself. She initally raised me, but about 8 years ago, something ticked in her head and she was ever the same. All this has happend in such a short span in my young life, I'm only 17. I feel so angry that I've been unable to cry, for both deaths. I think im numb to the feeling of loss. But I know crying is an important part to the grieving process...& The only time I even shed a little tear is when friends and family assure me that I still have them in my life. I was just moving on from my father, & the constant anxiety was starting to go away, & I was begining to enjoy my days...channeling all that stress into physical activities, such as running. Then my mom happened. & I'm back to that initial state of stress/being anxious (which was never an issue till after these deaths) & still wondering why I can't cry. People say its because I "bottle up my feelings" but thats not true, I've had some of the deepest conversations with my step-mother in the past 6 months, it honestly kind of angers me when they say that. Like oh when someone dies, you must cry. But those people have not experienced the amount of loss I havs in the last 6 months. The loved ones around me feel so bad for me, & I see tears in their eyes, but none come from mine. So I ask again why can't I cry? Thanks for reading, 17 yr old, son
  9. My wonderful friends. I posted this (below) on a certain part of social media. I agonised over it. Why? because certain people in his family can only have access to certain media and they are suffering too. My Husband's brother lost his beloved wife last year to breast cancer and my husband was desperate about it. It is my way of letting them know we are family. I have never been to Iran. My husband wanted to see his country once more before he died. WE had a plan. It was not to be. As from Saturday, I won't be in contact for at least a week because I will be at my Mom's house. There is no internet access. I don't know how I feel. Actually I do. I am bereft. I almost completely alone and I am just the only adult in my little tribe of 2. Mom said 'this house is yours' to Max, and my husband always said 'promise if anything happens to me you WON'T sell your mom's house' ... My husband and my mom adored each other..... So, I will put the key in the door in 2 days and there will be my ghosts. My beloved ghosts,...my father (1st) then my grandmother and then Mom (Can't even go there x 3) and now my beloved husband. The love he gave me kept me breathing throughout. As I write, I weep. Where the heck does this amount of salt from you eyes come from? Does anyone else's eyes have crust? I have never loved so much. I was given unconditional love. He was the one that gave me the world and also KNEW my grief He lost his mom aged (6)Those big strong arms that said 'I am here' and just held me. I will walk into that house and see his coffee cup on the sink, his work clothes on the floor (he left 1 week after us.but of course he took us to the airport (Manchester) and wept when we left him and Max and I, flew back to Belgium because of school) there will be the food still in the freezer. I have lived with this horror once before. Putting the key in the door after Mom. I was grumpy woman I remember 'pushing him off' with unforgivable words like 'she wasn't YOUR mom' or 'You just don't understand' The day of the funeral He 'heard' her loud and clear. Hardly surprising looking back because they were the two purest hearts. My Mother's wake was held in a park. I sat at a table in the the gardens and saw (in the distance) my husband's heartbreak of Mom. He wept and wept and wept. I will never forget it as long as I live. The loss of a parent in adulthood is horrific. The loss of a partner who held your hand throughout ...quite another. Thank you to Baback's Iranian family in Brussels ( for his Moroccan friends too) for those also from every continent ( his family in the US & Canada and throughout Europe ) here is to you all, for keeping Max and I in your hearts. So many of your friends, my Baba(my love) said 'We loved him.' I walk alone now on this earth, for however long, no one knows . But the legacy of love and caring continues. We are, and your friends,the continuation of the magnificent soul you were on earth. I will never 'get over' you, but we always talked about that you and I. There is no getting over your soulmate. There is simply doing what YOU would want. That is seeing our son live and be happy. We will, next week, make the hardest journey I have ever made in my lifetime. To an empty house. Empty of YOU, Mummy Daddy, Nanny. Putting that key in the door.. only you loved enough, my beloved, to fully understand. It is a lonely plough to furrow. Different continents/religions/1 heart always. My Baba I will love you forever. I am doing this for our love and our son.You are mine and I am Yours
  10. I Miss My Mom

    Hi, My name is Annalee but I go by Lee. On October 14, 2013 my world shattered my Mom Rosie Dozier-Sanford was just 55 years old when she sub-came to sepsis possibly related to her long battle with cancer and valley fever. On that day my world crumbled I lost my best friend, my mentor, my confidant, my hero, but most of all I lost my Mom. I don't know how I am supposed to go on my heart feels as if it cracks a little more with each beat. I am lost and the one person who always found me is gone. I am the oldest of nine and I have tried to be there as much as I can for my siblings, particularly the four that lived with my Mom including my youngest brother who is seventeen. While I took a week off right after her death I have been able to work and "function" a majority of the time since her death. There was a period immediately after her passing that I relied on alcohol and marijuana to get me threw but besides the all most non-existent night out with well meaning friends I have not had a desire for either one, nor really anything else since my birthday in January. I have been seeing a grief counselor since January and while I'm grateful that she pulled me out of the dark destructive pit that I was in I just feel like if the best it gets is instead of the raw burning pain that it was to the chronic throbbing pain that it is now then what's the use. I mean I get up every day and every day I tell myself "it' gonna get better" and "gotta get done what has to get done" but in reality it doesn't get better and I just want to say **** what has to get done! I don't know some days it feels like I'm on the verge of....I don't know, a break through? And then it's right back to wailing and wanting to just burrow in my room until the world stops and f****** realizes that my Mom one of the bet damn people I ever met is gone and is never gonna come back and I just want to scream! I want to shake my siblings who all seem to have moved on and who tell me "at least she's not hurting" and scream in their faces that don't you get it "I DON'T CARE! MY MOM IS GONE!", and I know that might make me a horrible person but I just don't care! I want my Mommy back. I'm sorry if this is rambling but I'm just having a really bad day. My counselor wants me to go to the support group but I haven't been able to and I found this group online in the resources that Hospice of the Valley offers and it just seemed warm and caring and I'm just tired of putting on a front and trying to talk to people who don't get it. Anyway thanks for letting me vent I feel a little better now.
  11. Dad died Oct. 26 last year. Mom JUST got diagnosed with dementia so we'll be moving her to assisted living at the end of the month & selling her house. This weekend we're having a yard sale to start selling 64 years worth of memories & belongings. We've been slowly bringing things home from there as I we want them. Today one of my sisters called to ask what pieces of Mom's silver do I want? As Mom has so much & it's always been in the hutch or buffet I have no idea plus I was at work studying a new collection of pottery not thinking of silver. But within 1/2 hour it hit me: "This is it. We are slowly dispersing, amongst ourselves, Mom & Dad's life. It's not staying at that house. Mom & Dad will never need it again. Mom will never see it again. There will never again be any of my family there [after the house sale]; Dad will never feed his squirrels, Mom will never swing on the front porch again nor will any of our kids." Will Mom remember all of these memories? How long before she forgets it all? I also started wondering what Dad would think of all this-if he'd be ok with Mom's moving-we found out from papers he'd written that he'd suspected the dementia several years ago but didn't want her diagnosed & treated differently. And it hit once again-9 months later & the pain still comes back.
  12. Today is our First Father's Day without Dad. It's been 6 months & 15 days. thought this would be easier to get through today. Almost didn't buy my husband a Father's day card since every time I got near that section at the card store I cried. Finally at Walmart, one of my regular customers from work who knows about Dad saw me struggling at the F.Day card section, went & grabbed a big sheet of poster board & held in front of the Dad cards until I could find one for hubby. Today I woke up thinking "Yay, I can call & talk to Dad today." then a few minutes later "oh crap, no I can't. he's gone & I can't tell him & hear him tease me about making a fuss over him". So I'm avoiding looking at ANY photos of him until later when my hubby's at work & I can cry. I so want to hold his hand again, want to hear his voice, want to feel his hugs, share a beer with him. He was the best example of a man there could be-my husband even resembles alot alot of his same good character. His best gift was thew wonderful & gentle way he treated my Mom-he had her so spoiled. He also taught my sisters & I what to look for & expect from a man/partner; sometimes we didn't listen but in the end we all did. I wish Heaven had a phone to call him & tell him Hey Happy Father's Day. I'll see you soon. xoxo this photo was taken 2 yrs ago at my daughter's high school graduation. 3 days later he survived a massive hemmoraghic stroke. This is the last photo we have of him well.
  13. My daughter got engaged on Valentine's Day. So many mixed emotions: happy for them, anxiety about what a wedding will involve with all the ex'es in the group & finances, sadness about her no longer being my baby but a wife & most of all sadness that Dad won't be here to see it. Allie was his favorite grandchild & he & Mom helped me raise her until I got married & he always promised Allie that he would dance with her at her wedding just like he did with me at mine. Now he won't be there to dance with her. And I'm afraid that with Mom's dementia progressing that she won't remember it or really "be there" mentally for it. The wedding probably won't be taking place for a year but.... Allie did ask me if I thought it would be ok, the first nice weekend, for her & her fiance to go back home & visit the grave to "tell Grandpa the news." You can imagine what my response was [it involves a soaked kleenex]. We do want them to wait until Grandma gets back North to tell her in person-telling her over the phone would really confuse her.
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