Gettingthrough79 Posted October 1, 2016 Report Share Posted October 1, 2016 I have to call the lawyer. I'm sitting here frozen in time. People keep saying push on , you have to keep going, you have no choice. I barely dragged myself out of bed today and can't picture facing all these things without my mother. Oh God, please help me. No one really understands unless they are going through it or have gone through it. It's sad but true. I totaled my car, lost my cat, lost an abusive bf (I GUESS FOR THE BEST) ,calling me everyday just to remind me he never wants to be with me again, he just calls because I ask him too... lost my mother all in basically 2 weeks. I went from being so happy to the worst mess possible, but all the loss is making me nuts. I can't let it get me. Then I think of the holidays and how alone I will be. God, help me keep any sanity I have left. Ty to all who listen, I know I keep repeating the same thing. I can't help it. It's just all too much. I'm sorry I don't reply much to other people's posts. I just cant take it anymore. No matter what anyone says or what suggestions they give, I don't want to keep going. Ty in advance for listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Finch Posted October 1, 2016 Report Share Posted October 1, 2016 What you have been through has been devastating. Just letting you know I am listening and that we are all here to listen. Even if you repeat the same thing. It doesn't matter. Say what you need to say, as many times as you need to say it. Why do you need to call the lawyer? Have you done so yet? Is this related to your home? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 1, 2016 Report Share Posted October 1, 2016 Do one positive thing for yourself every day, just to have upward mobility. I know it's hard. The day I lost my husband was the worst day of my life and the days following tied for first place. I do understand loss, I've lost so many people, so many pets. Your BF sounds sadistic, PLEASE block him from calling/texting! That would count as your one positive thing for today. Is the lawyer about mom's estate? Maybe once that is settled you can get another car, once you get your license back. Sometimes they'll give you permission to drive to/from work, so if you get a job, you can ask about that possibility. I'm sorry if my suggestions bother you, but people keep spurring you on because they know you need it, it's easier to give in and quit, but that won't help you. We've come to care about you! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted October 1, 2016 Report Share Posted October 1, 2016 If you can just settle yourself for a few more meets at a time and breathe you might feel the benefit of more oxygen to your brain. More oxygen feeds your brain and clearer thinking is one result. Another result can be a quieter brain and a relaxing sensation. Take care that you make time for self care. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brianna Posted October 2, 2016 Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 14 hours ago, Gettingthrough79 said: I'm sorry I don't reply much to other people's posts. I just cant take it anymore. No matter what anyone says or what suggestions they give, I don't want to keep going. I feel the same way, I can't keep up or remember or anything. Everyone says take care of yourself.... what does that mean exactly? when everything around you is crumbling. All I want to do is sleep & pee when I have to. I can barely remember to eat or drink. I've set alarms in my phone for these things... I can really relate to what you are saying... :hugs: 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted October 2, 2016 Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 As much as it hurts and I know how bad it does you just want to give up not be here without them, not feel so empty and sad at times but your loved one is your reason to keep going though their bodies are gone they still live through us in our hearts it will get easier in that the pain will not be as strong or last all day at least for me it has, I know it is hard to eat and stuff it took me two months to really eat again, but grief takes alot out of you so you really need to take care my heart aches for you hugs 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 2, 2016 Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 Taking care of yourself means eat something healthy every day, drink plenty of water, get out and take a walk, see a grief counselor, and be understanding and patient with yourself. This is the time to only require basics of yourself, but doing so ensures your brain it's very best chance of recovery and getting through this. It means you might need to see your doctor for a checkup too, talk to him about what you're going through and how it's affecting you. I'm glad you're eating and drinking, that's a start. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brianna Posted October 2, 2016 Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 I was seeing a counselor, but at the end of our last session she told me they were closing with no notice, so now I have no counselor. nobody to talk to, I go to Grief Share but I don't feel like it helps at all. If he would have died naturally or of an accident it would help but suicide. I just feel like I am once again on the outside. The women are nice but I dunno it's probably just me & my own guilt & my own grief wanting to isolate me in another way. Everyone I know doesn't understand me anymore, they think I choose to be this way. But for me I wake up wanting to have a good day but the bad feelings are like a fog creeping in & eventually overtake me. I'm at a loss for what else to do. I've found a few things I enjoy eating & even 2 I don't mind making. I live on Monster to keep me awake because the medicine my DR put me on keeps me so sedated. I try & try but nothing feels good enough, when I'm acting I feel like I am dying inside but that's the only time people are "happy/proud' of me. Thanks for listening.... any imput would be greatly appreciated because I don't think I can continue this way. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 3, 2016 Report Share Posted October 3, 2016 Brianna, my dear, my heart just hurts for you. You've asked for input, so I have to ask: Have you done any reading about this especially challenging kind of loss? There are so many resources available to survivors of suicide loss, but you must make an effort to find and connect with them. Please take the time to explore some of the sites listed in these posts: Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted October 3, 2016 Report Share Posted October 3, 2016 Brianna I hope you are able to find another counselor I am truly sorry for all the pain I know how hard it is be patient with yourself it is a journey that we will be on for the rest of our lives and it is not easy I in a way understand like I said almost lost Kevin to suicide and it was so hard I could not understand how he could get to a point of just not wanting to be in this world anymore I blamed myself because before he took the whole bottle of Tylenol I had told him I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore ( it was a night of arguments) it took me so long to stop blaming myself and realize it was not my fault ,not that it was his fault people do not chose to get to the point they want to end their life, here it is 12 years later and I lost him to drugs, it hit me like a ton of bricks when I found out I felt right back at day one. This is a long hard journey but I will never stop believing that we can find our way again with them in our hearts, it will not always be so hard not that you will ever be the same person but you will be able to go with the hard days ride the waves of grief when they do hit, you will find yourself able to smile at memories instead of only crying just hold on to his love, as far as people go pay them no mind this is your journey and no one needs to agree with how you grieve I am sure he is proud of you. I know how hard it is to get through the darkness but "Sometimes Darkness Can Show You the Light" my heart hurts for you I understand your pain 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brianna Posted October 3, 2016 Report Share Posted October 3, 2016 @MartyT, Thank you & thank you for the links. I spent a few days on the blog from the last link you sent me. I really got a lot out of it, till the thoughts of what my friend said about me obsessing started to bother me, & that set me back a lot. It's either read or lay here & look at the wall. I try to color, journal or craft but it's short lived.. I try to watch movies but my attention span is too short. Even reading sometimes gets hard & I have to reread it over & over but atleast I feel some comfort or understanding afterwards. I'm so sick of the people in my life cuz when I am sad they just want me to snap out of it & enjoy the day it's like I'd rather be skinned alive right now then be fake another moment... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brianna Posted October 3, 2016 Report Share Posted October 3, 2016 @rdownes, Thank you, I look forward to a day when its not so hard to smile. When it doesn't feel like I am smiling thru broken glass & having acid poured on my insides... the pain it just so intense when I am forced to fake it. I looked up another counselor & I will be calling tomorrow to try to get an appointment but then I have to go thru everything again... ::sarcastic:: woohoo ::eye roll:: I just can't believe this is my life. I just got the police report back with pictures & its killing me... I thought it would give me closure, I sure was wrong. It just opened a new can of s*** & dumped it on the pile. Added to my night terrors, thankfully I can't remember much thanks to my meds but I am covered in bruises & so sore. I just want a break, some peace somewhere & I can't find it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl J Posted October 3, 2016 Report Share Posted October 3, 2016 On 10/1/2016 at 10:25 AM, Gettingthrough79 said: I have to call the lawyer. I'm sitting here frozen in time. People keep saying push on , you have to keep going, you have no choice. I barely dragged myself out of bed today and can't picture facing all these things without my mother. Oh God, please help me. No one really understands unless they are going through it or have gone through it. It's sad but true. I totaled my car, lost my cat, lost an abusive bf (I GUESS FOR THE BEST) ,calling me everyday just to remind me he never wants to be with me again, he just calls because I ask him too... lost my mother all in basically 2 weeks. I went from being so happy to the worst mess possible, but all the loss is making me nuts. I can't let it get me. Then I think of the holidays and how alone I will be. God, help me keep any sanity I have left. Ty to all who listen, I know I keep repeating the same thing. I can't help it. It's just all too much. I'm sorry I don't reply much to other people's posts. I just cant take it anymore. No matter what anyone says or what suggestions they give, I don't want to keep going. Ty in advance for listening. Repeat as much as you need to. We are here for you! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl J Posted October 3, 2016 Report Share Posted October 3, 2016 46 minutes ago, Brianna said: @rdownes, Thank you, I look forward to a day when its not so hard to smile. When it doesn't feel like I am smiling thru broken glass & having acid poured on my insides... the pain it just so intense when I am forced to fake it. I looked up another counselor & I will be calling tomorrow to try to get an appointment but then I have to go thru everything again... ::sarcastic:: woohoo ::eye roll:: I just can't believe this is my life. I just got the police report back with pictures & its killing me... I thought it would give me closure, I sure was wrong. It just opened a new can of s*** & dumped it on the pile. Added to my night terrors, thankfully I can't remember much thanks to my meds but I am covered in bruises & so sore. I just want a break, some peace somewhere & I can't find it. My heart goes out to you Brianna. I have lost someone to suicide before and it's so very hard to understand. I would have nightmares about it. I hate to hear that you have to start all over again with a new counselor but I am glad that you have one to go to. I like to hear you are coloring and reading, even if you have to struggle through it...that's ok. You are making an effort to continue on. We are all here for you. Cheryl ??? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted October 3, 2016 Report Share Posted October 3, 2016 Brianna it will come it just takes time unfortunately we have to feel the pain in order to get through our long journey I thought the same thing I thought knowing what Kevin passed from would bring me some peace but finding out I lost him to drugs to his addiction was hard I am just now accepting it and learning to cope with it but it is hard I feel like I am back to the day he died but I am deciding addiction will not have another victim I will not let it destroy my love for Kevin or his love for me.You do not have to fake anything or be someone people want you to be it is your right to grieve and how you want it is not their journey hugs Robin 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 3, 2016 Report Share Posted October 3, 2016 Robin, you are so right about people not choosing this. They feel they can't handle it anymore, that's why they want out, and it's definitely not anyone else's fault either. Brianna, I hope you find another counselor. My heart goes out to you, 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gettingthrough79 Posted October 3, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2016 had rescued a cat years ago. She's feral. She has a bit of an odor but I love her and deal with it. My realtor just told me I stink like cats when I get in her car. Wtf??? And I know I do not smell. Freaking btich. How rude can you be? And I know it's not true...even though the grief I'm going through, I keep my clothes clean. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted October 4, 2016 Report Share Posted October 4, 2016 There is so much I would like to say here but my grief brain is failing me. I know the struggle seems more than you can take. I know the desperation of wanting our beloved partners back. Nine months ago I didn't want to go on alive without him. I miss him every hour of every day. There are so many unfulfilled wishes and dreams of a life together forever... I am alive without him and I'm very slowly and with great trepidation living a life without him. But, I will never forget our love and our dreams, I will honour his memory in trying to live the life he would want me to have. My heart breaks for all of us on this grief journey. If only I had the magic to take away the harshest of the pain we all are enduring. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 4, 2016 Report Share Posted October 4, 2016 I know that feeling so well, Marita. It is a daily struggle. We will never forget but we will learn a way of keeping memories alive. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 4, 2016 Report Share Posted October 4, 2016 If an animal smells bad it's usually tooth decay or an infection. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brianna Posted October 5, 2016 Report Share Posted October 5, 2016 Update:: Called & I have an appointment with a new counselor, they have multiple people in this practice that accept my INS so hopefully I can find one of them that will work for me. Thanks Y'all for all of your kind words & support it is so greatly appreciated. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 6, 2016 Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 I'm so glad! Let us know how it goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gettingthrough79 Posted October 6, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 On 10/1/2016 at 1:06 PM, kayc said: Do one positive thing for yourself every day, just to have upward mobility. I know it's hard. The day I lost my husband was the worst day of my life and the days following tied for first place. I do understand loss, I've lost so many people, so many pets. Your BF sounds sadistic, PLEASE block him from calling/texting! That would count as your one positive thing for today. Is the lawyer about mom's estate? Maybe once that is settled you can get another car, once you get your license back. Sometimes they'll give you permission to drive to/from work, so if you get a job, you can ask about that possibility. I'm sorry if my suggestions bother you, but people keep spurring you on because they know you need it, it's easier to give in and quit, but that won't help you. We've come to care about you! Yes, have to sell the house. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gettingthrough79 Posted October 6, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 Just now, Gettingthrough79 said: Yes, have to sell the house. Ty for all the replies....yes he is sadistic, the last thing I thought he was. I am lucky to have an ex boyfriend come help me pack Saturday. and look at a few places to live. I just wanna rot and not get out of bed and no one thing anyone can change that unless I do it myself. I am finding it too hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gettingthrough79 Posted October 6, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 On 10/4/2016 at 8:23 AM, kayc said: If an animal smells bad it's usually tooth decay or an infection. She smells fine and Im not even around her hardly. My realtor is just a condescending bitch. Found a new one. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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