Caring for my terminally ill husband at home

[Nicho]

Hello , I am new here and feeling thankful for somewhere to go to discuss our situation, get support and hopefully support others in similar circumstances

My husband and I have been together for 50 years and married for 47 years, being childhood sweethearts when we met.  (14 and 16years)

like most couples, life has not been a bed of roses, but things were never bad for long and we both decided early on that we would always work things through, as neither of us would be happier apart than together

For most of our marriage we have worked together in busines and recently retired, looking forward to lots of holidays and growing old together, along with our children and grandchildren 

in August this year, my husband became ill with a pleural effusion on his left lung, which was diagnosed as malignant, along with a massive tumour on his colon, with smaller tumours in his stomach and liver.

On being told the prognosis was terminal, he refused further investigation and treatment, deciding he just wanted to come home and enjoy the remainder of his life

He is able to make short outings on a mobility scooter a couple of times a week, but then needs the rest of the time to sleep and is gradually getting weaker by the day, but is so brave and strong for the sake of the family.  I put on a good front, so as not to worry our grieving children , but I am not coping as well as they think, sometimes self medicating with alcohol and pain killers at nights to try and lessen the emotional pain

thank you for reading this xx

[kayc]

I am so sorry for what you and your husband are going through.  Alcohol is not recommended because it's a depressant and that's not something you need right now.  That said, I realize you are getting through this however you feel you can.

Do you have any help with his care?  Is he on hospice?  They were of great help to me with I was a caregiver for nearly three years.

The hardest part is not the daily care, it's the dealing with the emotions, the grieving we do ahead of time, the gradual realization of loss.  I hope you will continue to come here and post, it helps to express yourself and this is a safe place to do it.

[Nicho]

Thank you Kayc

Oh yes, the daily care is definitely the easy bit, but my emotions are all over the place and can vary throughout the day

Right now, one of the hardest things for me is the loss of simple things like lying on his chest, in his arms to sleep,  the most comforting place in the world for me

Also feel I have to stop myself from running to him with my problems, so he just doesn't waste time worrying and has nice thoughts.

His mother is 93 and difficult at the best of times, but now displaying her grief by lashing out, even cutting us all out of her will.  Before, I would have had his support, but wouldn't dream of worrying him now

I suppose in a way I am having to stand on my own two feet for the first time in my life, although he always said I was the strongest

thank you for your advice about alcohol

 

[kayc]

I'm sorry his mom is being so difficult.  I had a wonderful MIL, but it was my own mom that was the challenging one.  She left everything to my brother, us five girls weren't worth anything to her...and yet we were always there for her.  It hurt but I can't let it get to me, it is what it is.  

I think your husband is probably right.  I always thought of myself as strong...until I lost my husband.  It challenges us in ways I never dreamed.  But somehow I'm still here eleven years later, so I guess I must be stronger than I think.