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Through The Eyes of Men


KATPILOT

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I just finished my part of a new Grief Diaries book which is about and through the experiences of men.  So little is available in books dealing with grief from a mans perspective so I was compelled to join in this venture. Most of what I have written has been spoken by me here on this site but in writing it, I discovered more about myself than I had realized before. Grief is a journey alright. We morph constantly as we go along and for me I know I am nothing like the man I was five years and eight months ago. I have changed and maybe not always in a good way but I hope I can fix that as I keep on living. The one constant which has never changed is my love for Katherine Alice Hochhaus.  Had she lived, I think we would have changed together but our love would never have died.

I have read the manuscript of this book which will be coming out in November and it is powerful and a very good read for anyone. It wasn't my words for I know me already but rather the feelings of the other men who have written. I had a lot of emotion hitting me while I was reading and I believe it will help some even if it opens wounds for others. No real happy ending here but I knew that wasn't the intent. The intent is to discover what do you do now.

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I'm so glad you finished your final part with this most important topic, Steve.  Now it is time to catch up on rest. I like the cover.  Can't wait for the book in November. 

 

now it's time to rest.gif

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Wow, that is great!  This is something that will be so helpful in our world!

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I think so too Kay. I believe it will be helpful to men who read it when they are new to grief. I wish I had been able to read this in my early months. How hard it is for some to allow themselves to go there.

From the book:

"Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go to work through his sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system. Here lies the road to recovery."

F. ALEXANDER MAGOUN

Not as simple as it sounds but once you let yourself cry, you never go back. Denial ends with awareness.

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George I love the new picture. There is something quite endearing about seeing a couple together who you know are in love.  In reference to what you mentioned to me is that indeed there is little written for men in grief. There is a lot about grief in general and a lot focused on a woman's perspective although I found comfort and healing in them. Understanding some core issues with men is what pleased me about this book.  I understand how your dad would not have been open and how you find it easier. Perhaps we are evolving in that we are less afraid to show our emotions and expose our vulnerabilities. The truth is that gender has nothing to do with feelings of sorrow.  My dad certainly was old school too. He was devastated those first few weeks but the rest got swept under the carpet. He hit a trigger twenty years later while married to my step mom. It's funny how in an older age, some men find it easier to let it out. That was when I knew the truth. He just couldn't handle the pain. I think he was raised to hide it. "Big boys don't cry".  If I could go back in time and find the person who coined that phrase, I would hand them a copy of this book.

WE not only need to cry, we must cry. Only then can we figure out what to do next.

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I'm so glad to know that you have a hand in this important book, Steve. I think it's important not only for men to hear from other men about their grief experiences and reactions, but also for women to hear from men as well. Notice the ratio of women to men in these very forums. I am so grateful to you, and to Brad, Mitch, George, Kevin, Bill, Butch and all the brave men who've shared their perspectives on grief and their progress with us over the years. We're all learning about grief as we live it, and we cannot have the whole picture unless and until we're willing to share our trials and our triumphs with one another, women and men together. 

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I didn't want to mention that it would be good for women to read it as well because I didn't want anyone to think we men are misunderstood but one chapter asked what we wanted women to know about our grief so I guess it's out there anyway.

I was speaking to Joyce my grief counselor yesterday when she mentioned how she is seeing a growth in the ratio of men and women in support groups and private counseling. Her take is that men are beginning to allow their feeling to come out more than  ever. That's nice. I've always been for equal grief for the sexes.:rolleyes: I know, bad joke. Yet all of the men here seem to get it and open themselves. They share, they hug, they care, and they help.  Just like women do. Could it be that when you have been loved so deeply,  you can only end up exuding it to others? Could it be that we who are here grieving as we will, came from a loving relationship, weather it be spouse, parent, child, partner , friend, or pet and are worthy  of being here as the good souls that we are?  I believe that some of the best people on earth are those who loved that deeply, were loved that deeply, and lost.  :wub:

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