Lost my Mom and then a month after broken up with?

[jasonm99]

Today marks 3 months since the funeral of my Mom, which my Father and I held on my birthday by my choice.  She took her own life July 19th, while I was states away for work.  This is shortly after I graduated from College and was just beginning to find work.  I am 22.  I feel as though I've lost her too soon.  Just before I was getting to a time of my life where my relationship with her would only get closer. After the high school/college immaturity phase and the don't embarrass me phase. I'm holding an immense amount of guilt knowing that she had been struggling with depression for so long.  She was extremely close to me more so than my Father and she was the parent I had my deepest conversations with about life and my heart.  I've always been an emotional person and easily hurt.  In many ways I see a lot of her in me.  

Shortly after her passing my girlfriend of 2 years had begun becoming very distant.  We had a serious relationship in which both of us had talked about the future of us and had gotten promise rings to hold until she graduated.  She wanted to finish school before an engagement and I respected that. I noticed her starting to become distant and I was beginning to cling onto her for hope and assurance for the future.  She began saying that she was stressed with school and unsure of her own life and paths.  She assured me that she didn't want us to split up but she needed to figure things out.  We were long distance at this time since I had graduated and she still had a couple years in school and so after my Father and I created my Moms urn to spread her ashes I began to talk to her about me moving closer to her because I couldn't bare to be at home anymore emotionally.

She was unsure of the idea of me moving without having a job locked down, but I assured her I'd be okay and I would find one and that I just wanted to be close to her.  Within this time she continued to become distant contacting me less and less and becoming frustrated when I was clingy out more and more to talk to her.  My emotions were so controlling I would ask her assurance for our own future more and more needing her to tell me that her and I would be together and that she loved me.  She quickly began to start saying she didn't want to talk or that she was busy until one night she just said she needed a break from the conversation and that she couldn't constantly give me assurance.  She also told me that maybe we can talk more about it Sunday when we were already planning to come up there for me to visit and find a place.  That was the Monday before.  After that night I messaged her the next day normally as I would seeing how she was doing and I never heard a response.  During this week I was able to lock down an apartment and I called her to tell her the news.  My calls went unanswered.  I thought maybe she just needed space and I thought if it was really really bad surely she would say something to me before I drove up there.  I reached out to a couple mutual friends and they agreed with my thought.

Sunday in the beginning of September I drove there to move into the apartment and see her.  It was a ten hour drive and when I got there I tried to call her to tell her I was outside of the dorm. She didn't answer her phone so I sent a text and she walked down. She broke the news to me first thing.  She already had her friends up in her dorm so we couldn't hang out or anything as I asked her to lunch right when I arrived.  She said she thought we should breakup and that she couldn't see herself being able to chase her goals and dreams within this relationship.  I tried to apologize for how clingy and needy I had become and assured her that me moving up there is not to lock her down anymore it was simply to heal and to be close to her.  I love her and I really saw a future of us together we were close and did almost everything together for 2 years.  She asked me to stop trying to change her mind and so I hugged her and left in a hurry.  That night I told the apartment complex the story and they allowed me to stay a night because I thought maybe she'd think about it some more.  I never heard from her.  

The next day I talked to one of the mutual friends that had been in the room and they said she told them that her reasons were that the relationship was toxic that I was egotistical, manipulative, and controlling.  This took a tremendous hit on me for I had no idea she felt this way and I began to self analyze and figure out what I did wrong.  I was hurt and all I wanted to do was talk this out with her.  I gave her space for a week and I sent a friendly text asking how she's doing.  It went unanswered.  Then I waited 2 weeks and sent another. No answer.  During this time I had been writing an apology letter explaining that I had heard what she said and that I was sorry and I never meant her to feel that way.  I expressed to her how much I care for her, love her, and want to be a part of her life if even just a friend.  I also told her I was seeking counseling to help with grieving and to also seek some help on the things she said that maybe I did wrong.  I decided I didn't want to send it to her address since it would get to her parents house first before college.  So I called.  She didn't answer and so I left a couple voicemails stating what I had to say in the letter.  A day went by and I transcribed the letter into a Facebook message and sent it.  She blocked me shortly after it sent.  

This completely destroyed any bit of strength I felt I had left.  I felt alone in a new place and I don't know if I'm strong enough to get through it.  I'm struggling to deal with the grief of now two things at the same time.  One my mom and two someone I loved that I truly saw a future with.  Thoughts of feeling that this girl is the last girl who would of had a relationship with my mom who would of known her personally is now also gone.  Not only that but potentially never to be heard from again.  This scares me.  It's been 2 months since the breakup and 3 weeks since I got blocked.  I feel left in the dark and I feel she doesn't even care what even happens to me.  I'm mad at my heart for still caring for her so much after this and I can't stop my brain from stirring possibilities or thoughts from the past.  It's like no matter where I look or put my mind to I reminded of either my Mom or her and I feel it's just so much I'm not quite sure how to handle it.  I just want my brain to stop cranking and my heart to stop feeling so much.  I have had long relationships in the past none of which I felt the desire to get promise rings with.  I'm not someone who takes that lightly and when I promised myself I did it whole heartedly.  I'm cracking on the inside with the fact of the very same person who promised back and loved me for so long is the same person that didn't come down for my moms funeral even though friends from states away came.  I'm not sure if I would of talked to her that day if I hadn't messaged her first.  

I forgave this because I knew she lost someone to suicide in high school before I knew her, but I knew it hurt her and so I forgave her because I didn't want her to have this emotional termoil come back.  Now though my counselor wants me to see those things and think about that.  It just hurts.  Because my brain sees it yet my heart is still full of love and hope.  Even when there doesn't seem to be any. I'm not sure how to get through this one.  My mom and I always were the ones to talk about the things like this and it's so hard me having to face that I can't just go see my mom or call her.  Then to have this added to that just has me so lost in everything.  Is there any guidance anyone can provide? 

Sincerely,

Jason

[kayc]

Jason, 

I am sorry I missed this post, it was marked "read" when it wasn't...perhaps it was when my internet went out a couple of days ago, I don't know.

I am so sorry about not only the loss of your mom, which is more than enough to deal with, but then the loss of your GF. and the way in which that went down.  It seems cruel for her to have not told you how she felt and let you move all that way and then hit you with it.

I'm glad you are seeing a counselor and hope that helps you.  

You say you're mad at yourself for caring for your XGF...we can know with our heads that something isn't good for us but that doesn't instantly stop the feelings, it takes time for them to catch up.  Anyone who has ever broken up with someone they loved has experienced that to some degree.  You will get over her, but it will take some time.  Meanwhile, it helps to work on yourself and building your life the way you want it to be...that may be hard to envision, but even just a step in the right direction helps.  Keep seeing your counselor and doing whatever exercises she gives you for homework.  

Do you have another relative or friend that you could talk to?  It's hard when we don't have someone to share with, I've been there, it makes us feel our aloneness all the more keenly.  Keep in mind that it won't always feel like it does today.  I've been through some really hard places in my life and one thing I can guarantee...our lives do not stay the same.  It changes, ever changing, it's good for us to know what we want so we can work towards that, no matter how long it may take.

[jjconcern]

 Jason your losses are so deep it is overwhelming just to read about them.  You seem to be a very loving, sensitive, and optimistic person despite what is going on now in your life.  It sounds like you are already seeing a counselor who is pointing out some of the facts about your girlfriend and her relationship with you.   Are you communicating with your father despite your move to a new area?  Any brothers or sisters to talk with?  Your father has got to be hurting as well and this might be the time to reach out to him and develop a stronger relationship with him.  You might also benefit from a group that deals with grief/bereavement –through a church or your counselor.   As painful as the breakup of you and your girlfriend is, I would concentrate on fully grieving your mother’s suicide and all that means to you.  You may be surprised at how grateful you may be for that break up when you eventually find a person who loves you back fully but you will always miss your mother.  It is just how life works in my opinion.  Hugs to you and my prayers are with you in this tough time.

[Mama's baby]

Hi!! I'm actually going through the same thing, where my exboyfriend started distant himself from me when I started grieving over my mom's suicide. For me, the grief was delayed and I just recently started grieving, and I have done a tremendous amount of work and made lots of progress on my grief. However, same as your girlfriend, the guy I was dating also shut himself out from my life, and we are also long distance. I know exactly how you feel, that you felt that you cared so much (me and that guy also talked about future plans and stuff and I thought it was so promising...), but in the end what's returned was just so surprising... 

I went to a Reiki session today, and the girl who did Reiki on me also did reading on me, and told me that the word "abuse" came up when she touched my body (that's how Reiki works), and that it was abandonment. It felt like that, and I'm just so shattered by what happened... I still can't have a grasp on what really happened, and I don't know how to go on. But I'm glad that KayC pointed out that our life never stays in the same place, ever. That brings me comfort, because I know that one day I will get through, and I will be able to get out of this darkness. I have experienced it before, and I will experience it again.

Keep holding on.

[kayc]

Mama's baby,

It is a double whammy to not only lose your mom but to lose the one person you'd expect to be able to count on seeing you through it.  To me that shows he was not meant to be the one for you...it's horrible to have to find out this way though.

I'm glad you are making progress with your grief.  Yes, you will get through this, one day at a time.  In my grief journey I have learned much and it has been ripe with richness...it's not something I'd wish on anyone, yet being as it was a path set before me, I have learned and grown through it.  I've learned not to be afraid of it but to embrace even this.

[Mama's baby]

Hi KayC,

I'm just so scared... my PTSD came back again and it just struck me down at my knees that I just don't know how to go on... it seems like it's all over again and I am so scared... I am so scared.....

Just help me! HELP!

 

Chen

[MartyT]

Chen, my dear, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, and I wish we could wave a magic wand to take your fears away.

I'm wondering if, in between the visits with your therapist, it might help you to be using some recorded guided imagery. I'm especially impressed with the work of Beleruth Naparstek, and often recommend her Health Journey products. Her recordings are relatively inexpensive and are available as MP3 downloads as well as on CDs that you can purchase and listen to in your own home, at your own convenience.

See What Is Guided Imagery?  and Guided Meditation for Post Traumatic Stress (PTSD)

To give you a sense of these recordings, click on the titles and listen to audio samples of each:

A Meditation to Ease Grief

Help for Panic Attacks

Healing Trauma

[kayc]

This is very real.  It's going to be so important to take charge of your health and see your doctor asap.  Meanwhile, like Marty said, there are meditations that are helpful.  Anxiety is one thing, panic attacks bring it to a whole new level.  I've had them where they felt like heart attacks, I thought I was going to die.  I haven't had one in years now, possibly because of changes in my life, de-stressing, self-care, and meditation.  I'm sorry I just now got your post, my electricity went out yesterday. I hope you're doing better today.