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Gabbie

When son died my two friends deserted me

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My adult son died unexpectedly this past summer - my life and my family's lives are completely changed. I live in this surreal world that I can't get out of ever. Two people who I thought were good friends - who I have known for years and years went above and beyond in disappointing me. On the day my son died I left a message for one of these so called friends and all she did was send me two brief text messages saying she was sorry and praying for me. On the day of my sons funeral she sent me a third text saying she was still praying for me. I never heard from her again - not even a dollar store card in the mail. I made the biggest mistake for ever thinking this woman was my friend and for thinking she had a heart. She actually had become a pastor and involved in all types of religious activities. She wears a dark blue jacket with the word "Pastor" in big white font printed across the back so everyone knows who she is. The second so called friend was there for all the initial drama  but two weeks after my sons funeral was over she started talking to me about all her problems like she always did. She loves to talk about her health issues as well as all her doctor appointments in great detail and her marital problems. She actually was telling me about how bad her cold was and how much her throat hurt and her neck pain and back pain - on and on. She always wants and expects a lot of emotional support. I have no room in my head to listen to her problems and I have no supports to give her or any one else. When she found this out she stopped speaking to  me completely. I was so hurt by these two women - never would I have done this to either of them or treated anyone else like this ever. No grieving parent wants to hear about someone's sore throat or back pain. I think of my son every moment of every day - my life and my family's life has completely changed. I see the hurt in my other children's eyes and the pain in my husbands. Each day is a struggle - some worse than others. I walk through this dark place with God or I will not make it.  I just cannot believe how some people behave - I truly cannot. I forgave them because I don't want to be bitter or angry but some days that is a struggle also.

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Gabbie,

I hear and feel the pain in your words. I lost my husband to Cancer in 2013 and one year later, I buried my adult daughter, also lost to Cancer. I am so sorry your so called "friends" chose this time to show their true colors. My few friends and family have been very supportive as well as my many friends here.

This is a horrid journey that we are on, but those of us here are walking beside you. We feel your pain. You are not alone. Please share whenever and whatever you wish.

Peace to you, my friend.

Karen

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Karen - thank you for your kind words and I am so very sorry for the pain the hurt and tears that you feel and go through. I will keep you in my prayers - God has really been helping me not lose my mind. So many things go through my thoughts - life is so different. The pain and sadness not just in me but in my family - my other children - I can see the hurt in their eyes nothing is the same anymore. Your precious husband and precious daughter may you see them both in Heaven and dance with tears of never ending joy. God bless you and again thank you for you kindness - Gabbie

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Gabbie, I am so very sorry to learn of the death of your beloved son ~ and sorry too, that these two women you thought were your friends have let you down so badly. I hope you will continue to come here for the compassion, support and understanding you need and so deserve.

Are you familiar with The Compassionate Friends? It's a wonderful organization offering friendship, support and hope to those whose child has died (at any age, from any cause), with chapters in communities all over the country.  

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Gabbie,

I'm so sorry your son passed away, I can't imagine the loss of losing a child, but I lost my precious husband unexpectedly just after his 51st birthday.  My friends all disappeared, did not even attend his funeral.  I was blown away by that, never would I have treated them as they have me, but our friendship is gone, done.  I did gain a new friend in all this experience and few years later she lost her husband.  She's moved away now but she'll always be in my heart.  At a time like this you learn what your friends are made of, you also learn through the grief journey, the art of compassion.
I pray someone come alongside you with the ability to just be there and listen and care.  Of course you don't want to hear about trivial things, your life is about anything but trivial right now and it overshadows anything else going on in the world.  
I hope you live somewhere where The Compassionate Friends exists...I live in the country so there is no such thing here.  
I don't know your personal beliefs, but it is mine that my husband continues to exist, as does our love, and that we will be together again, and that sparks hope in me to be able to continue here, until that day.
Please feel free to continue posting here, vent, whatever you feel in your heart.  We'll be here to hear you.  And I know Karen understands, she's been there, she IS there.

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Thank you Marty for your kind response - I have seen Compassionate Friends but never really looked into it - I will. I feel so much supoort already from Grief Healing Discussion Group - this sadness I live in is almost unbearable at times. There have been moments I actually thought I was going to die the grief is so overwhelming. I go on for my remaining family. Thank you again and may God truly bless your kindness - Gabbie

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kayc - I am so sorry about your husbands passing and that lonely hurt that exists in your heart. You experienced friends deserting you in your darkest time as well. I just do not understanding people like that but I trust God to all of this - I have to it's all just too much. I am praying that God will bring you a fresh new friend - one with such a kind heart filled with understanding. I think one of the things that hurts me so much is my other children - I can't make this better for them - I can't take this heart break from them. One of my sons just told me he cries himself to sleep almost every night - he loved his brother very much they were so close. There is no fixing this - just getting up each day and trying to breath in and out. Thank you again I will breath in and out maybe a little easier today because I have found kind people like you to share with and who sincerely care. - gabbie 

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My son was in the Air Force when George passed, and I remember him calling me and telling me he didn't know what was wrong with him, he'd wake up crying, he'd start crying at work, and he was never someone demonstrative.  George was his stepdad but they loved each other so much and had a close relationship.  I told him nothing was wrong with him, he was grieving, and not to worry about crying at work, everyone there knew and understood.  They really surrounded them with their caring.

It seems everything reminds us of them and each and every reminder that hits means a fresh stab at the wounds.  It's been 11 1/2 years since I lost him, but I still think of him each and every day, he is always on my heart and mind.  I've learned to coexist with my grief.  I don't think there's such a thing as "moving on" from our grief, but we learn to continue in the face of our grief, to me it's not mere semantics, the words do infer a difference.  I have learned to adjust to what his being gone has meant to my life, I will never like it, to say the least, but I've had to accept that this is what is now.  Grief is a process, ever evolving, I thank God the intensity lessens, I don't think I could bear the excruciating pain of those early days/months/years.  It's more like a weight/pain we carry inside our hearts, it's never the same again.

I hope you'll continue to come here as you feel the need, there are some wondering caring people on this site that understand loss.

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8 hours ago, kayc said:

My son was in the Air Force when George passed, and I remember him calling me and telling me he didn't know what was wrong with him, he'd wake up crying, he'd start crying at work, and he was never someone demonstrative.  George was his stepdad but they loved each other so much and had a close relationship.  I told him nothing was wrong with him, he was grieving, and not to worry about crying at work, everyone there knew and understood.  They really surrounded them with their caring.

It seems everything reminds us of them and each and every reminder that hits means a fresh stab at the wounds.  It's been 11 1/2 years since I lost him, but I still think of him each and every day, he is always on my heart and mind.  I've learned to coexist with my grief.  I don't think there's such a thing as "moving on" from our grief, but we learn to continue in the face of our grief, to me it's not mere semantics, the words do infer a difference.  I have learned to adjust to what his being gone has meant to my life, I will never like it, to say the least, but I've had to accept that this is what is now.  Grief is a process, ever evolving, I thank God the intensity lessens, I don't think I could bear the excruciating pain of those early days/months/years.  It's more like a weight/pain we carry inside our hearts, it's never the same again.

I hope you'll continue to come here as you feel the need, there are some wondering caring people on this site that understand loss.

You spoke my heart - only someone who lives in this world would know what living in this place is like. - warm thank you to you - Gabbie 

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I wish I'd known about the on line group at the time George died, but I did have this site and it helped me tremendously.
Gabbie, yes, I don't see how anyone could understand or relate if they haven't been there.

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Gabbie, I'm new to this group.  I unexpectedly lost my 24 year old son 14 months ago.   He was my only child and my world has turned upside down.  I have had a similar experience with friendships.  One friend wanted to get together to "catch up" a few weeks after my son passed.  As the date we were to  get  together approached I was dreading it.  I didn't have it in me to listen to what was going on with her two kids, husband, job, etc.  And really nothing was new in my life....my son was still gone.  I decided to call her and tell her how I felt, acknowledged that this likely made me a bad friend, that I hoped, but didn't know if or when it would change for me.   Things have changed and that friendship survived.  I have another friend, who I saw through every single doctor's visit when she was sick with a life threatening illness, who has reached out to me exactly once in the last 14 months. I'm terribly disappointed in her.  I'm not sure if I'd call it hurt... My emotions are still a bit numb when it comes to anything but my son.  But I am angry.  I try not to focus on it.  Still, I know that others have no idea how to deal with us.  And for that I am grateful.  I also have an uncle who wouldn't even pick up the phone to speak with me after my son's passing.  I waited for two months.  I understood that it might be difficult at first to call me, so I gave it some time.  I got an occasional email from him, but that was it.  I ended my relationship with him, telling him I had little use for that type of relationship with him.  So I do understand.  And I'm so sorry.  I pray you have other friends to stand in the gap with you.   I believe God sends us the people we need when we need them, and other relationships end to make way for the new ones.  I hope this is true for you.

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Dear Ryan's mom - no words have been created to describe the loss you feel of your precious child. I am so so sorry for al the heart break you live with - I understand. I have found a safe place in this group of people who know what living with this type of loss is - the continuel hurt that we walk around with inside us. I never will understand how certain people behave - the insensitivity even cruelty in them. I still feel anger at times towards those "friends" but I am finding they are thankfully fading from my mind. I woke up this morning on this new year day thinking- this will be the first year that I will not share with my son - this will be the first year that he did not breath in - but I will breath somehow in it without him. I am so sad all the time I don't even know who I am anymore. I am trying so hard to hold onto God I always feel I let Him down though. This new world these cold grey days I feel so lost constantly. I remember the day my boy died I had the strongest feeling of wanting to run somewhere - somewhere safe where none of this had happened - sometimes I still feel that way. I am sorry so deeply - sorry for that empty place - your hurt. I keep asking God to give me a reason for my life. I believe like you that God sends us certain people into our lives at cetain times. Please talk to me anytime time - I know your heart - I understand your every tear. May God give you dreams of your precious son and may God hold you in His arms. God bless you in every way - gabbie

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Gabbie,

Let God hold you, you're too tired to try to hold onto him.  This is the hardest thing you've been through, of that I am sure.  I wish there was an end in sight, but as Ryan's mom said, at the end of the day, they'e still gone.  We do learn to adjust to "life without" as I call it, but it takes more time than I can say to even process it.  As for purpose, it takes a long while to build new purpose into our lives, but it comes...it is just never the same as before, how could it be.
I believe it's true that new friends come our way...as for my old ones, they all disappeared.
Ryan's mom,

I'm sorry about your uncle and friend.  I honestly can't understand people being like that.  Sure death is uncomfortable, do they think it's a picnic for us?  No excuse!  I'm glad it worked out with your other friend.

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10 hours ago, kayc said:

Gabbie,

Let God hold you, you're too tired to try to hold onto him.  This is the hardest thing you've been through, of that I am sure.  I wish there was an end in sight, but as Ryan's mom said, at the end of the day, they'e still gone.  We do learn to adjust to "life without" as I call it, but it takes more time than I can say to even process it.  As for purpose, it takes a long while to build new purpose into our lives, but it comes...it is just never the same as before, how could it be.
I believe it's true that new friends come our way...as for my old ones, they all disappeared.
Ryan's mom,

I'm sorry about your uncle and friend.  I honestly can't understand people being like that.  Sure death is uncomfortable, do they think it's a picnic for us?  No excuse!  I'm glad it worked out with your other friend.

kayc - thank you for your kind words - today was especially hard - my son died in 2016 - I feel almost like I am leaving him behind - moving into a new time without him - not sure - all I know is very sad today. Your words let God hold me as I am too tired to hold on helped more than I can say. Thank you again - gabbie

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On 12/28/2016 at 11:12 AM, MartyT said:

And just so you know, dear ones, The Compassionate Friends offers a variety of private support groups online as well as in person. See Private Facebook Groups 

MartyT - thank you for the information - gabbie

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Gabbie and kayc, thanks for responding and being so supportive.  I have found that purpose brings a measure of peace and comfort that celebrating and fun never can.  My son passed in his sleep from cardiac dysrhythmia, having no previous medical history or problems.  I was the one to find him.  Since his passing I have raised money at my church to have three automated external defibrillators installed on our campus and revamped the youth space (which is where my son first came to Christ) to make it more appealing to them.  I work with youth at the church and in the summer program and am currently planning a "healthy heart day" in honor of my son.  My son had a five month old German Shepherd at the time of his passing.  Ryan was volunteering at a local rehab facility, and I've had his dog, Bentley, trained as a therapy dog and we now go weekly to the facility my son volunteered at.  Purpose definitely helps, but most days I still feel like I'm living an out of body experience.  Like the old me is watching the new me get through the days.  Yet, while I'm grieving I still engage in the world and actually have some fun.  But even that is difficult, as afterwards there's always a tsunami  of pain waiting.  Not from guilt, because I don't feel guilty.  I think it's because I can't share those times with him.  As a divorced mom, who single parented him, my son and I were very close.  

Time marches on, others get on with their lives, and the new year brought me no joy either.  I remember thinking in that first year that I would be dead by the end of the year because I didn't see how I could go on living.  But I did, altho I'm a very different person.  I find I'm most at peace getting outside doing some work in the yard, working with the dogs (I've since gotten another German Shepherd to keep Bentley company).  My son purchased the house i live in when he was 22.  I moved in a year before he passed, as he wanted to go back to school to pursue a different career. I'm surrounded by memories which I believe makes it harder for me, but I will NEVER leave this house..  He was so proud of being a homeowner at such a young age!  

Kayc, you are sooo right.  I don't get people either and there are no excuses.  Which is why my uncle and one friend are no longer in my life.  I have no time for that. Believe i or not I don't feel like I've lost a thing not being in a relationship with either of them.  I have become sort of selfish, putting myself first.  I have no space or energy to try to make others feel better about me feeling bad.  Does that make sense?  I am far more picky about who I have stayed friends with.  One of my closest friends lost her daughter 9 years ago.  She has been a great person to share with as she has already been where I'm going. We marvel at how we process our grief so differently, yet still understand each other's grief so thoroughly.   I pray for someone, a few someones, like that in your life Kayc.  I imagine that with the death of a spouse that friendships are all the more important, because essentially you lost your best friend.  I don't believe people mean to be mean.  The world is just so superficial.   I was fortunate that Compassionate Friends is in my area.  I went to a few meetings but chose not to continue.  They are a great group, but it was hard being in a room with so much tragedy when my son left this earth peacefully.  I almost felt like i hadn't earned my seat at the table.  i'm also in the country, in a pretty amazing community where everyone pulls together, so I just didn't feel the need to drive into town for CF meetings.  My church is starting Griefshare at the end of January.  It's a a faith based grief group.  I will attend that to see what it's about.  

 

 

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Ryan's mom,

You are so right, finding purpose in honor of them lends meaning to this otherwise senselessness.  I'm so glad to hear of the work you are doing, it will benefit others so that they don't have to go through what you have.  And Bentley, how special!  We had a Mary on here who had a dog named Bentley that was trained as a service dog and he was precious.  

I wish you well in your Griefshare group.  You are carrying on in some very meaningful ways.

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Ryan's mom - you sound like an amazing mom who is giving so much in honor of your son. I told God I need to have a purpose -  this daily sadness - there has to be a point to this to do something for others. I have been reading this book by Joyce Meyer "How to Hear from God" this one chapter I just finished talked about how God has a plan for each of us and to just follow His Holy Spirit and He will lead us and direct us. I will do anything God so directs - I miss and love my son so very much. God bless you and your sweet little puppies - gabbie 

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Ladies, Nothing amazing about me at all.  I'm just an average 61 year old woman, broken and bruised, hanging on for dear life.  Now the God I serve is another story altogether, amazing, merciful, full of forgiveness.  I do have far more questions for Him post 10/27/15 than I did before.  I'v attached a picture of Ryan and Bentley taken a week before he passed, and a pic of Bentley today

bentleyandryan.jpg

b1.jpg

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What great pictures!  You must be so proud of your son!  And Bentley, what a sweet dog!

 

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20 hours ago, Gabbie said:

Ryan's mom - you sound like an amazing mom who is giving so much in honor of your son. I told God I need to have a purpose -  this daily sadness - there has to be a point to this to do something for others. I have been reading this book by Joyce Meyer "How to Hear from God" this one chapter I just finished talked about how God has a plan for each of us and to just follow His Holy Spirit and He will lead us and direct us. I will do anything God so directs - I miss and love my son so very much. God bless you and your sweet little puppies - gabbie 

 Ryan's mom -  truly beautiful pictures. Your son has such a kind face. Your comment about holding on - I often feel like I am holding on to the hem of Jesus cloak - gabbie 

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