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Gabbie

When son died my two friends deserted me

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Ryan's mom - the pictures of your precious son with his puppy are such heart warming treasures in your heart - I know how crushed you are - I too am a 61 year old woman trying to hold on also. When my son died I so wished he had a dog or a cat I could love for him and take care of. I asked God - that I needed to take care of something - just before Christmas on December 21 2016 through a small chain of people this poor old cat entered into my life. The people involved in this cats rescue told me her story - She had laid down in the snow in front of their car that was leaving a parking and let out a loud cry and would not move. Thankfully these kindhearted people stopped and took her home with them and fed her but they could not keep her. That same day a second kind person got involved and offered to take this poor little severely malnourished cat to the vet who checked her over and said because she was an older cat (10-15 years old) she probably would not be adopted if they turned her over to a shelter. So this person took her to their home and contacted me. This cat was nothing but bones with fur over it. She could not stand or even meow she was so weak. Upon my approach she did try to stand though and opened her mouth but nothing came out and she fell back down. My husband and I took her in to our home - her now forever home. She has been to our vet and she has gained 2 pounds since being with us. She is still boney and very fragile but she can walk now and purrs all the time. She eats real good she is kept very warm and comfortable - she is our little princess - there is not enough we can do for her we love her very much. My son loved animals and he was saving for a house so he could get a dog when he died so very unexpectedly. God gave me this little lost cat to love and care for - we named her "Winter". To Ryan's mom may God bless every tear every hole in your heart - gabbie

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Gabbie,

I'm glad Winter entered your life, it sounds like you both need each other in your lives...not unlike my Kitty, that I got when she was ten.  She'd grown up in a drug infested trailer court in Portland OR, one owner after another abandoning her to fend for herself, over and over and over again.  She'd never been to a vet, and someone had crudely "fixed" her, the cord hanging out from her belly still...I didn't even want to think about how that had gone.  I brought her to my place, in the country, and promised her a forever home.  She's now retired, and has the lap of luxury where she's warm, cared for, and well fed, and no one will ever abandon her again.  She, too, would not have been adoptable...she was grumpy as all get out and people want kittens, not older cats.  She'll be 21 in a few months and I love her to pieces. 

Even though your son never got to get his dog, perhaps he is at last taking care of some strays in his next life, and I'm sure he smiles upon your rescuing this cat.  May you derive the pleasure I've received from having Kitty as part of my family.

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kayc - wow your kitty has been with you a long time - I so hope mine does as well. So happy you have each other. Thank you as well for sharing your precious kitty story - gabbie

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Gabbie,

What a kind and special thing you have done. When my husband died, we had a "Tuxedo" cat who was a hand-me-down and had been with us for many years. He and my Black Lab were best friends, but he would not tolerate any other dogs, so only he remained when the lab left us. A year after my daughter died, "Batman" went to "Cat Heaven". After losing my husband and daughter, the hole in my heart was almost too big to repair and I needed a friend. I found Marley at the Humane Society. She is a beautiful, now 5 year old Shepherd-Lab-Husky. She is my constant companion and a true blessing for me. Furry friends have a way of making things just a little bit easier.

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KarenK - the loss of your husband and daughter and your two fur babies - I am sorry for all your heartache and endless tears.  I am so happy you and Marley found each other - beautiful puppy. I have recently noticed something my other cat named "Jet" - when I cry he comes and sits on my lap sometimes if I am crying really hard he puts his face right up to mine and he stares into my eyes. He is so sensitive and caring - I love my fur babies with all my heart also. May you and Marley have a blessed evening - gabbie 

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Marley is indeed beautiful!  I see the Shepherd ears and the Husky comes out in her face.  My dog is Golden Retriever and Siberian Husky. This is a picture of him when I adopted him, his eyes are much bigger in life than this picture shows.
 

Arlington.jpg

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kayc - your puppy is so cute. Our puppies all went to Heaven a few years ago - now we have  only our kitties who are also such a joy to our hearts. Thank you for sharing your pretty puppies photo - gabbie

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Karen's picture reminded me of him when he was young,now he's turning nine next month.  They have the same beautiful smile!

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Kay,

Arlie is a "hunk". It is great to see his picture. In my mind, I had pictured him as a Black and White Siberian. He and Marley would have made beautiful babies together.  LOL

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I was not sure if I was going to share this as I am so tired of cruel people - but I need to write this - In my initial writing I shared how two of my friends left me after my son died - well these two friends have both circled around and have contacted me right after New Years - maybe they thought it would be safer for them now that all the holidays were over - maybe they both thought that I would be better / over it / they didn't want their holidays overshadowed by any of my family / my grief etc. This is what happened - A couple of days after New Years day the first friend - (who also is my cousin - I did not include that in my initial post - our mothers were sisters) - my cousin sent me a text message - she was very angry and very offended that I did not acknowledge her November birthday and some surgery she also had in November. I have not heard a word from her since October 2016 - this is the first time she has contacted me in any way. I did not think she was speaking to me anymore and honestly prior to that I was sick of listening to her go on about all her problems as she did right after my sons funeral. My son died this past summer - this was the first Thanksgiving - Christmas - his birthday is also in December and first New Year without him. I did not take one family picture this holiday season as our boy would not be in it. The hurt in my other children and my husband and I - well there are no words that could describe. My cousin who of course has known my family all her life did not even send a Christmas card - nothing. She knew this holiday season would be the first without my son - his birthday - but what do I get from her in January 2017 an angry text message followed by a long angry email - she actually told me that if she were in my shoes she would have at least acknowledged her surgery. She said she could let it go that I did not wish her a happy birthday but she would not forgive me for not acknowledging her surgery. She said she no longer wants to speak to me ever again - which I thought had already happened back in October. I absolutely could not believe it - my son is dead - I have not heard from her since October 2016 - she contacts me January 2017 about her birthday and surgery. I am so angry bitter and hurt - I am mad that I am thinking about her - writing / thinking about her right now instead of my son. I don't want her insensitive words in my thoughts anymore and I don't know how to stop it. *Next: the second friend in my initial writing - the one who became a pastor. She actually called me the second week in January and left this ridiculous playful high pitched voice message saying how she was not giving up on me and was still praying for me and to call her etc. What does she mean by - she is not giving up on me?!? -  like she has been reaching out to me - sending me all these cards and flowers / trying to contact me all these months - as though I have been ignoring her? - I have not heard a word from this woman since my son died last summmer and then all she did was send me a grand total of three text messages the week of his funeral telling me she was praying for me - now months later she calls me and wants to talk. Just like my cousin - this woman contacted me safely after the holidays are over - birds of a feather flock together?!!? Did they fly in together?!!? I am not dirt - I feel like they have both tried to spit on and trivialize my sons death. I am so angry right now and I am so angry that I feel this way - that these two people are taking up space in my mind. I just can't believe that any two people - human beings with a heart inside them - could be this selfish - ridiculous -  this cruel and insensitive. They have no shame - none. I just want them to fade out of my mind - my son is dead and these two women... how dare they - truly how dare they.  I just want to get over this - I know it will take a while. I had to write this - I just had to. - gabbie

Edited by Gabbie
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I would tell her I assumed she'd cut herself out of my life because my son died, I hadn't heard from her since his funeral.  That is the truth!  Let her assume some guilt and make reparations, although to be quite honest, I wouldn't hold my breath.  People like that usually affix blame, rather that accept ownership of their own foibles.  I'm sorry you're going through this, we don't get to pick our relatives!  Either that or I'd ignore her altogether.  Whatever YOU feel comfortable with!

And this "pastor", really???!  I feel as you do, how dare they!!  I'm the kind that airs my feelings, for ME, and then let them both go, grrr!  But I know others would say to ignore them, but I feel that's letting them off too easy, as they could think they've tried and you just don't respond, no, they didn't try!!  I believe in calling a spade a spade, but that's part of who I am, I stand for honesty and truth above all else.

Eventually we have to forgive, not for them, but for us, so we don't let it embitter and change us.  That doesn't mean what they did was okay, it'll never be okay.  It doesn't mean you have to be friends again, you don't.  We learn from what we go through and when people treat us like doormats, we'd be remiss if we let them again.  Forgiveness is more like letting go and not letting them have power over us.

(((hugs)))

 

 

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I appreciate and admire your willingness to share your pain with all of us, dear Gabby, and I can't imagine how much this insensitivity hurts, especially when it comes from those you thought were so close to you. I'm so sorry. And I must say that I agree with Kay. Give yourself time to feel and express your anger and hurt (as you have done here), and I hope for your sake you will get to the point of forgiveness ~ not for them, but for YOU. 

In one of the most powerful pieces I've ever read, The Agony of Grief, Stephanie Ericsson writes that grief "rewrites your address book for you," and your story most certainly is a testament to that truth:

The Agony of Grief By Stephanie Ericsson

What is there to say about grief?
Grief is a tidal wave that overtakes you,
smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,
sweeps you up into its darkness,
where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,
only to be thrown out on an unknown beach,
bruised, re-shaped, and unwittingly better for the wear.
Grief means not being able to read more than two sentences at a time.
It is walking into rooms with intentions that suddenly vanish.
Grief is three-o'clock-inthe-morning sweats that won't stop.
It is dreadful Sundays, and Mondays that are: no better.
It makes you look for a face in a crowd,
knowing full well there is no such face to be found in that crowd.
Grief is utter aloneness that razes the rational mind
and makes room for the phantasmagoric.
It makes you suddenly get up and leave a meeting in the middle, without saying a word.
Grief makes what others think of you moot.
It shears away the masks of normal life
and forces brutal honesty out of your mouth before propriety can stop you.
It shoves away friends- scares away so-called friends,
and rewrites your address book for you.
Grief makes you laugh at people who cry over spilled milk right to their faces.
It tells the world that you are untouchable
at the very moment when touch is the only contact that might reach you.
It makes lepers out of upstanding Citizens.
Grief discriminates against no one,
it kills- it maims- it cripples.
It is the ashes from which the phoenix rises, and the mettle of rebirth.
It returns life to the living dead.
It teaches that there is nothing absolutely true, or untrue.
It assures the living that we know nothing for certain.
It humbles.
It shrouds.
It blackens.
It enlightens.
Grief will make a new person out of you if it doesn't kill you in the making.

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Ryan's mom - you sound like an amazing mom who is giving so much in honor of your son. I told God I need to have a purpose -  this daily sadness - there has to be a point to this to do something for others. I have been reading this book by Joyce Meyer "How to Hear from God" this one chapter I just finished talked about how God has a plan for each of us and to just follow His Holy Spirit and He will lead us and direct us. I will do anything God so directs - I miss and love my son so very much. God bless you and your sweet little puppies - gabbie 

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To kayc and martyT - thank you both for your kind replies - The Agony of Grief - is such a hard truth living and breathing reality. I will be alright - I forgive both those women - again thank you both so very much - gabbie

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It is truly incredible how many people leave you high and dry when someone passes away. I just want to shake my fist at those women. I actually got into an argument with a friend the other day because she couldn't get over her ex boyfriend that she got pregnant from. He doesn't even care about the child or her. Yet she tells me that she has no motivation and is sad and so forth but when I tried to tell her what to do and how to feel better and that I understand she was saying that explaining her pain wouldn't help because Im not getting it. We stopped talking for a few days and I have changed my mind about her. I don't see how people can try to make themselves the victims and tell you that you don't "get it." Get it? I have lived IT. I wanted to die when my dad died?! What do you MEAN I don't get "IT"? If you looked up the definition of "IT" you would see my face! Like what! That is so stupid! Ive also had someone else try to tell me about their dating problems (more like she was sleeping around but I digress) an exact month after my dad passed. I told her no. Never contacted her again because I was so close to screaming I DONT CARE. So believe me, you aren't alone! Im glad you have forgiven her for your sake but like Kay said, don't waste your breath. She is an idiot. She is still breathing and we cant say the same for some people so she had no room to try to compare her issues to yours right now. I try not to ever minimize other peoples pain and such because loss it loss and pain is pain but your cousin is a derp. Just ignore her because I also think that she will put the blame on someone else. One day she will understand the pain of death and lets just hope she remembers how rude she was about it. And omg family can be worse than friends after someone dies. Its horrible. I don't talk to my brother now and don't really care to again.

As for the pastor, I cannot stand people who claim to be close with God and be his right hand person but they are horrible examples of what Godly people do. She needs to pray a little harder for herself because shes dumb too! Just let her go and if she really wants to "not give up" on you then she better try harder.

Lastly, I am so glad you have a little pet to take care of and I loved seeing everyones pets, they were adorable. I had my dads therapy dog, she wasn't officially trained but she was a therapy dog. She used to put him to bed and wait until he fell asleep to run off! She comforts me and shes great. I think they really understand us and give us what we need.

 

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Sharirouse - thank you so much for your kind/supportive reply - your validation means so very much to me. I am so sorry for the loss of your father and all the sadness you feel without him. I am also sorry for bad cold "friends" and your brother who have hurt you. Like you I truly do not understand some people - how they think - or how they don't think may be a better choice of words. All I know is there are people who "get it" and others who just do not at all. The ones who do are there for you in the dark loneliness and those are the people who have true hearts and are sincere. I know that is why I love animals so much their kind love that is in them - they are always so ready and willing to give their hearts to us. As for my cousin and that "friend"/pastor - I am pretty much over what they did. They really showed their true selfs when my son died - how completely selfish and shallow they both are - I want nothing to do with either one of them. My sons memory deserves to be shared with kind people who have hearts. May God bless you with His peace Sharirouse and please give your little sweet doggy a hug and kiss for me - thank you again - you made my day brighter - gabbie

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13 hours ago, sharirouse said:

she tells me that she has no motivation and is sad and so forth but when I tried to tell her what to do and how to feel better and that I understand she was saying that explaining her pain wouldn't help because Im not getting it.

You AREN'T getting it!  She is grieving, same as you with your dad, only this is "loss of relationship" AND "loss of dreams".  It is very real to her and will take her time to process this loss and assimilate it into her life.  Feeling depressed is a part of that grief, so is lack of motivation.  There is no timeline for mucking through this, each person is different.  Shari, you know I think the world of you, and maybe I'm wrong but I can't help but feel you did her a great disservice by trying to tell her what to do and then stop speaking to her.  How would you have felt if someone responded like that to you when your dad died?

She had a child with this person, and hoped they'd be a family and he'd be there for her and the child.  It didn't work out, she can see that, but sometimes it takes time to move from our head into our heart.  We don't just instantly get over our feelings just because we can see with our eyes that someone is a heel.  I assume they are no longer together, that's a first step.  In time she will start to do better, give her time.

After my husband passed away, I remarried.  He turned out to be a con that preyed on me.  He used my credit for over $50,000 (it'll be $120,000-$150,000 by the time I have it paid back when I'm 80) and then quit his job and went into hiding with his girlfriend.  I didn't know of her but was getting suspicious.  I was in denial for quite some time because if I faced it that meant I'd have to deal with it and I knew how hard it would be and hoped against hope that all of the signs I was seeing...weren't.  There came a time I could deny it no longer (when he went into hiding), and I took prompt action to protect myself.  I filed a missing person's report, got us off each other's bank accounts, got an attorney and filed for divorce.  It cost me a bunch more, I had to remortgage my house to cover all the debts he'd run up.  Because my name was on the accounts I was responsible for them. :angry2:  I was very proactive and steeled my heart even though it hurt to the core of my being.  My sister berated me for feeling sad about him.  I tried to explain to her that you don't just shut off your emotions just because you see with your brain that it's bad news.  I knew he was not who I thought he was and the person/relationship I was grieving never did exist, he had faked his side of it.  Every time he looked at me or patted my leg, it meant nothing to him but a means to an end.  All of the "I love yous" he gave were blah blah blah.  I meant nothing to him, never had.

It took a while but I got over him.  Paying back all that money is another matter!  I figure if I can't pick better than that I have no business even dating.  I can't afford another one until I pay off this one! :D  When you've been with a scumbag, it makes you very cautious...or should.  

I think your GF will get over him in time and hopefully she'll learn from her mistakes.  It'd be good for her to get some therapy so she can value herself enough to realize she needs to be particular and not settle, there's someone out there that would be a good daddy to this baby and a good husband to her.  Right now she needs someone to listen and care and if that's hard for you to do, maybe see her for short times now and then.  

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Why is it that people don't like/feel comfortable saying my sons name? Even his brothers and sister never say his name. Only my husband and I talk about our son - say his name. People who knew my son almost all his life to this day have not even acknowledged to me that he is dead - they just look at me funny when they see me - like ignoring his death is...??? I did feel angry about this and sometimes that anger will still well up in me - I do realize that all people grieve differently- are people afraid that they will hurt me by saying my boys name? When I say my sons name in front of people - even his siblings - anyone - it's like I dropped a large rock in the room followed by complete silence and uncomfortable shifting of subject. Why is this? I am realizing more and more the isolation my sons death has brought into my life - I speak to hardly no one and I am becoming more comfortable with that - not bitter or angry - just this is where I am. I am learning to look soley to God and my walk must become strong with Him - I must lean on Him - I must trust Him. I feel as though I am walking down this very narrow path on this journey of life trying to find my purpose and prayfully hoping God will reveal that to me - when I am strong enough? I am in this quiet small place that I reside in at least for now. - gabbie

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Marty,

That article is a perfect response!  Thank you for your collection of resources, they are invaluable!  

Gabbie, I feel for you.  My mom outlived my dad by 32 years and she used to tell me how much she appreciated my talking with her about my dad.  She said people tended to not bring it up, as if it'd distress her, but there wasn't a moment went by he wasn't on her mind anyway.  She wanted people to not forget about him!  She wanted to know he mattered to others too!  It was saddening when she got dementia and didn't remember what happened to him (I filled her in even though I knew it likely she'd forget five minutes later, for that moment it mattered).

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Thank you kayc -  very kind what you did for your mom. I feel like I am in the world but no longer a part of it - like I am just observing. Thank you again - gabbie

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