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When son died my two friends deserted me


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Gabby,

Anything that causes you pain is not "making something of nothing".  These dates hit us but we respond differently in our own unique ways of grieving.  Some people do choose to "ignore the day", some choose to honor them in some way, some do so privately, others don't want left alone on that day.  I don't think your kids would purposely try to trivialize his birthday, but I sure can understand how hard it would be to deal with a baby shower, someone else's happy time, when you're mourning the loss of your own son.

Many years ago I was going through fertility issues, under the care of a doctor, and I'd just found out I was pregnant, but the baby was dead inside of me.  Only my husband and I and one friend knew, I was awaiting a DNC.  I went to a baby shower of a friend who was adopting a six month old baby.  I was very happy for her, I knew she'd gone through many of the same fertility issues I'd struggled with and she was finally getting her baby.  However, while there, two other friends, who'd just gotten married a short time before, happily announced they were pregnant.  It seemed so flip to me, like it was so effortless to them, it didn't take any time or trouble at all!  Others teased me, saying I should find out how they did it.  I don't know how I made it through that shower, but when I got home and saw my husband's face through the patio door, I burst into tears and we cried together.  It was a very hard time and I'll never forget how it felt.  I imagine it's a little how you're feeling right now.  It's hard when others make light of your situation, your grief, even if it is unintentionally.  You know your kids best, but if it was me I'd talk to my family and let them know that his birth date is a hard date to get through and going to a baby shower at that time might make it harder to get through it.  Maybe send a present and card with your best wishes, but choose to spend the day however you feel best honors your son.  I'm sorry for all of your pain.

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kayc - thank you for your kind words but you misunderstood my initial post - going to the baby shower has nothing to do with it at all. I said it was the RSVP date -  because that is my deceased sons birthdate - and that is what hurt me - that my children / my deceased sons siblings - who are giving the baby shower - did not realize is their brothers birthdate. Seeing my sons birthday on an invitation used as just a trivial RSVP date by my own children - that is what upset me - not the shower. 

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Gabbie,

I'm sure they didn't intend to trivialize his birthdate and would be horrified if they knew they affected you that way.  This is something that people can't begin to understand unless they've been there, and losing a child has to be one of the hardest losses of all.

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