Something good for someone else. [HELP]

[Rafly]

Hello, 

First of all, I'd like to apologise if this is not the right place for such a thread.

Secondly, I'd like to apologise if this topic is incorrect and I shouldn't be posting this, but I feel hopeless and lost.

How would you go when someone who's dealing with death pushes you away, in this case my GF, is dealing with cancer on her family and is pushing me away... How can I help her cope? Please...

[kayc]

Hi Rafly, welcome to this site.  This is the perfect place for your thread.  I don't know if you've read some of the other threads in this section, but it might be helpful to, to know what you're dealing with.  A common grief response is to break up with someone when you're grieving a close loved one.  Not everyone responds like that, but it seems a certain segment of people do.  My fiance broke up with me when his mom died.  This is my story:

There are countless others here who have experienced that.  We all tried to save our relationships to no avail, but I consider mine a success story because we were able to salvage a close friendship, not everyone can or should do that.

The first thing I'd like to say is, sometimes people who are grieving feel they don't have it in them to do a relationship at the same time.  Grieving takes a lot out of you and it changes you in the process.  Sometimes people feel it's not fair to their partner or they have nothing to give the relationship so they give up on it.  It might help to read up on what a person goes through when they grieve.  There are a lot of helps here on this site.

The second thing is, it's important to be supportive of the griever by respecting their wishes.  Sometimes you feel it's to your own detriment.  It's like you've heard, to let go of the bird and let it fly away...if it comes back to you, it's meant to be, if not, you'll know.

The third, and perhaps most important thing is, it's important to focus on YOU.  This is the time, while they are wanting their space, to focus on being the best you can be, taking good care of yourself, pursuing those interests you've been putting off.  Eat healthy, get exercise, spend time with family and friends.  It will be important not to wist away while the other person is taking needed time for themselves.  I know it hurts, you will grieve the loss of that relationship as it was.  It doesn't necessarily mean it's the end of it, although it may well be.  Try not to worry about that right now.  I know, easier said than done.  Most of us hit "panic" about now.  After months of crying myself to sleep...and cleaning my house thoroughly, I somehow got past it.  It's a painful process but it doesn't last forever, thankfully.  We do adjust.  

There are other stories from some wonderful people, some being the most recent ones here,I hope you will take the time to read them and see what those people learned, how they grew through their experience.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.  I realize this isn't the answer you'd hoped for, you would prefer to have someone tell you ABC how to get that person back, more attentive, not slipping away, but unfortunately, that doesn't lie within our power, their choices belong with them.  We can only choose to do what is best for us.  I wish you the best throughout this process.

[Rafly]

I sent you a message...

[kayc]

Thank you, I did read your message but prefer to answer here so Marty can be aware of any "advice" being dispensed.  I am not a grief counselor but I do have my own experiences plus the years on this forum, learning as I go.
You do not have to give up on her, but if SHE chooses to cut the cord, it's important to respect her wishes.  It doesn't work to try to hang onto them when they don't want you to anyway.
I think all of us felt extremely close to our partner and did not want to lose the relationship.  I was engaged to mine for a year before he broke up with me.
This is a good thread to read:

 

[Rafly]

Reading it. You might reply here, but I feel more confortable send you a message, less exposure for me, like I've told you, I've always been a shut person, but I feel like I need to vent with someone, and since my mother(the other person I trust) is going through a rough time herself, I just have noone... I'm sorry to bother you via message but I really don't know what to do..

[kayc]

I'm wondering if you read the link I posted for you?  One of the worst things we can do is push ourselves on them, but even when we're sensitive to following their cues, it seems to end the same, it's just when we push they shut us off sooner.  
This is a really dark time for her, she doesn't know how to navigate it.  What she needs most from you right now is understanding and patience.  She probably doesn't need to hear your feelings, which in turn could put pressure on her.  Grievers can be thin skinned, very sensitive, and have nothing in them to give.  Right now this is all about her, as unfair as that may be...it's just how grief is.
Take your cues from her, maybe a short text a couple times a week...if she answers, reply, but not overly lengthy and nothing that can be interpreted by her as a demand.
Please read the other posts here in this section.