Update on my story, a year later

[Raven12]

Hello all, I stayed away to clear my head and move forward after my "back then" boyfriend and I stopped seeing eachother.  Matt and I had been seeing each other for almost a year, knew each other in high school, both in our 50's now, and I was also good friends with his sister.  His son was tragically killed in a car crash in Nov. of 2015.  He went into a horrible spiral, and by the following January of last year, we were seeing eachother less and less.  I was the one to take the step of giving him space.  I knew he needed it. We kept in touch sporadically and are still friends on facebook.  I've seen him twice now, once in August at a local art fair, and then in October he took me out to dinner, and said he wanted to get back together.  Well.....he drifted again. 

Only this time, I'm so much different.  I don't pursue him when he drifts away.  And I don't put my life on hold.  It's been very hard, but I have boundaries now.  If he stops contact, I don't initiate it.  And ironically, he does in time, but we haven't seen each other since October. 

To add to the grief that he is trying so hard to get past, his sister died three days ago.  I did talk to him on the phone and am going to the visitation this weekend.  We come from a very small town and many of my friends will be there, and I am wise and strong enough to support him without expectation of a relationship. 

This was one of the hardest things I have gone through.  Matt and I did not break up, there were never any words of ceasing the relationship.  We were great together. But it just ended.  And what I've learned is that you go on with your life, and keep the interaction friendly and supportive, but never discuss what happened to "us".  Grief happened.  And grief is huge and consumes the person involved.  You don't project it onto yourself and wonder if you could have been a better girlfriend or boyfriend.  I did all that a year ago, and realized it wasn't me.  He cares, I know that now, and I will always care about him.  He and I have done more talking in a year than we have the whole time we were together, about real things, like life and how precious it is.  Who knows what the next year will bring.  I don't for a minute give him the impression that I'm sitting around in a corner waiting.  But he does know I care. 

But for now, everyone please, if you are going through what I did, take these words of advice.  Go out and enjoy your life, and whatever it brings you.  And don't wait by the phone, but be supportive if they do call.  If you're busy, be busy. If your free, say so.  Just don't ever put your life on hold.  Give them their time to grieve. 

[kayc]

2 hours ago, Raven12 said:

Hello all, I stayed away to clear my head and move forward after my "back then" boyfriend and I stopped seeing eachother.  Matt and I had been seeing each other for almost a year, knew each other in high school, both in our 50's now, and I was also good friends with his sister.  His son was tragically killed in a car crash in Nov. of 2015.  He went into a horrible spiral, and by the following January of last year, we were seeing eachother less and less.  I was the one to take the step of giving him space.  I knew he needed it. We kept in touch sporadically and are still friends on facebook.  I've seen him twice now, once in August at a local art fair, and then in October he took me out to dinner, and said he wanted to get back together.  Well.....he drifted again. 

Only this time, I'm so much different.  I don't pursue him when he drifts away.  And I don't put my life on hold.  It's been very hard, but I have boundaries now.  If he stops contact, I don't initiate it.  And ironically, he does in time, but we haven't seen each other since October. 

To add to the grief that he is trying so hard to get past, his sister died three days ago.  I did talk to him on the phone and am going to the visitation this weekend.  We come from a very small town and many of my friends will be there, and I am wise and strong enough to support him without expectation of a relationship. 

This was one of the hardest things I have gone through.  Matt and I did not break up, there were never any words of ceasing the relationship.  We were great together. But it just ended.  And what I've learned is that you go on with your life, and keep the interaction friendly and supportive, but never discuss what happened to "us".  Grief happened.  And grief is huge and consumes the person involved.  You don't project it onto yourself and wonder if you could have been a better girlfriend or boyfriend.  I did all that a year ago, and realized it wasn't me.  He cares, I know that now, and I will always care about him.  He and I have done more talking in a year than we have the whole time we were together, about real things, like life and how precious it is.  Who knows what the next year will bring.  I don't for a minute give him the impression that I'm sitting around in a corner waiting.  But he does know I care. 

But for now, everyone please, if you are going through what I did, take these words of advice.  Go out and enjoy your life, and whatever it brings you.  And don't wait by the phone, but be supportive if they do call.  If you're busy, be busy. If your free, say so.  Just don't ever put your life on hold.  Give them their time to grieve. 

I wish I could frame this and make it a sticky.  You are wise and are doing everything right.  This sums up and puts into words everything I have learned about being in this kind of situation.

[Raven12]

Thank you KayC

[MartyT]

I agree with Kay, Raven. Major kudos to you, and many thanks for the update!  ♥

[ChinUp54]

Raven~

I've always admired your strength and knowledge of yourself from the first time you posted here. Thank you for sharing your update.  Wise words for all of us who have gone or are going through this.