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I keep having dreams about either finding out about his death all over again, or finding out that he's been in an accident and he is still here but dying. In my dream I try to find away to at least see him before he dies. I pray in my dream for a miracle. Twice I have had a song playing very loudly in my head right before I wake up in my dream and then it stays in my head after I wake up. Both times the song has had something about death in it. Once it was Bryan Adams "Everything I Do"  and the music was really loud with lyrics playIng "I'd die for you" right before I woke up.  This morning I again had the dream he was still alive but dying. Then in my dream I couldn't remember why I was depressed and hated my life. I put my headphones in my ears in my dream and "Life is Beautiful" was super loud at the part that said "Open your eyes and see that life is beautiful, will you swear on your life that no one will cry at my funeral" Then I woke up and it just stayed in my head. I have mentioned in other posts that a few months before he died I dreamed I looked at Facebook and saw a status saying he had passed. It said something along the lines of "you will be missed RIP brother" and his name. Well that is how I found out in real life. Exactly that "you will be missed" and the guy referred to him as brother as they were good friends. All of these things are just so strange to me. I have so much regret. After I had that dream I woke up so relieved and thought that would be the worse thing ever if he died without me being able to see him again or talk about how I really feel and say things I needed to say. But you really don't think your worse fears will come true. We had been trying to see each other for two months and couldn't get it together. So he did die before I got to see him again or before I could say things I needed to say. We were both looking forward to seeing each other so much. There's just so much regret and hope lost I can never be happy much less I don't even know if I can be sane or content. I am utterly and completely devastatingly hopeless. 

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I am so sorry for the pain you are enduring right now.  I remember being in that part of my grief journey and feeling much the same as you.  

People here understand how much has been lost and how impossible the future seems.  Take care of yourself so that you don't become sick.  Come here to talk whn you need to.  Someone is always listening/reading. ?

 

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20 minutes ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I am so sorry for the pain you are enduring right now.  I remember being in that part of my grief journey and feeling much the same as you.  

People here understand how much has been lost and how impossible the future seems.  Take care of yourself so that you don't become sick.  Come here to talk whn you need to.  Someone is always listening/reading. ?

 

Thank you. Did it get better for you or to a point that you found joy again? How long has it been since your loss? My friend lost a boyfriend and she said it took four months before she didn't cry every single day anymore. I'm doing good if I go two hours without crying. 

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Numb and Lost, I feel like we have so much in common as I too had dreams about my fiance, one in which he has died already and I was getting ready to go to his funeral, and another where he got into an accident and I was going to go see him in the hospital. These dreams are so frightening but nothings worse than waking up to reality. I'm sorry you didn't get to see your love before he passed away. My fiance and I actually went a month without seeing each other which was out of the norm for us but circumstances kept getting in the way. We finally saw each other about 3 days before he passed and honestly the time we spent together still wasn't enough......even if you were together everyday....it wouldn't have been enough...... :( 

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AB3, Yeah I think we always think something might have made it easier. Like I think if I had seen him one more time it would be easier, when the truth is nothing could make this easier. I do wish I knew if he felt as strongly as I do. Now I will never know. That is crazy you have those dreams too! Sometimes he just dies a different way in every dream. I haven't had even one dream of him being alive and normal. In a way I wanted to do I could "see" him again, but then again I don't because I know it will make it worse when I wake up. How long has it been since you lost your fiancé?

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Numb and Lost, it'll be 2 months on the 10th. I hate those dreams, he always dies in my dreams too and I like you often wish I had dreams where he was alive and well but it would probably hurt that much more. Also, I'm sure his love for you was just as strong as your love for him.

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I'm sorry this is so painful, I wish I knew some way around it but there isn't but to go through it.  You ask how long, it's different for everyone, we all cope different, our grief timeline is different, but it will lessen and eventually you won't cry every single day.  Try not to worry about how long, try to focus on just getting through today, that's enough to deal with.

(((hugs)))

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Dreams are mysterious aren't they? In one aspect it's as if your mind is trying to process events..in another aspect it's as if there are elements of spiritual insights ...premonition and relationships.

At the beginning Kev was always alive in my dreams as if life was continuing our 30 year journey...now it's a mixture of him alive and him being passed. I guess my mind is trying to process reality and hope.

I have dated and texted some men...the friendship is nice and I enjoy feeling like a woman again...but it is not anything close to 

my love ..life and experience with my love of my youth..my life..our imperfections meshed and helping each other navigate..

That unfailing commitment ... I know I was lucky and cherish the memories very much.

The kids have introduced me to game of thrones...Kev loved the Viking mindset and honestly had a warrior heart.

The show has made me think of him so much....I especially love the wedding ceremony where the lord cover his lady with his cloak...his cloak of protection ...I miss Kev's cloak of protection very much.

Humming dreams by Fleetwood Mac now ...Marie

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Dreams are horrible sometimes. I used to pray that I would see my dad in them and be able to talk to him but in every dream, I knew he was dead and they were more...memory style? Definitely not a fan.

Regret is always the worst part because its so suffocating! I feel like those songs are kind of like a little message for you. Maybe he wants you to see the beauty in life again, even though that sounds utterly impossible right now. Have you tried talking to him? I talk to my dad out loud sometimes and I think it helps. Tell him everything you wanted to say, or write a letter to him. I feel that he definitely had an idea of how you felt, especially since he wanted to see you :) 

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Dreams, the first six months I had a weekly dream about Angela or she was part of it....I kept a Journal and my recollections were always when the kids were young(and so were we)....But now they are few and far between......Back in the early days of Grief, I looked forward to going to sleep to see Angela in a dream..It does change overtime, now its the pictures, odours, slightly different triggers, but the memories come daily....And I like them and share them...Journey is getting better....

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21 minutes ago, kevin said:

Journey is getting better....

Kevin- I'm glad. It is for me as well. I don't find myself in tears as frequently. Still trying to find distractors to fill time and thoughts. Taking a series of online lectures dealing with myriad subjects from history of religion to mental math. Also filling time with travels and activities: concerts, plays, ballet. Trouble is there's always an empty house. 

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Brad,good to hear.....self improvement courses I am still open to....My focus is on Golf, all sports, playing in a Darts tournament this weekend(my first), and short trips to see family......My Goal is to get more Socially engaged this year.........do something within the Church, and get back to my Ballroom dancing,,,Just to increase circle of friends..

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13 hours ago, sharirouse said:

Dreams are horrible sometimes. I used to pray that I would see my dad in them and be able to talk to him but in every dream, I knew he was dead and they were more...memory style? Definitely not a fan.

Regret is always the worst part because its so suffocating! I feel like those songs are kind of like a little message for you. Maybe he wants you to see the beauty in life again, even though that sounds utterly impossible right now. Have you tried talking to him? I talk to my dad out loud sometimes and I think it helps. Tell him everything you wanted to say, or write a letter to him. I feel that he definitely had an idea of how you felt, especially since he wanted to see you :) 

I have a written a few letters. I basically just prayed and asked if Jesus would show him the letters. I don't know if he can see them or not but just thinking he might makes me feel like I'm not talking to myself. I'm having such a difficult time. I just can't seem to find joy in anything. I feel like I have such a long time to go that I will have to feel like this. I'm 33. I also have a few friends that have made me feel so much worse. I had to take a xanax after I got off the phone with her yesterday because it made me so upset. It's like they downplay the relationship I had with him, and they say things like "well it doesn't really matter now he's gone" that statement stings so much. Just because he's gone doesn't mean my feelings have changed. His memory and how he felt matter to me. 

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Ever since 1958, I have known where my husband was each day and the same for him. Now he doesn't know where I am and he is not here to tell me to drive carefully. He is not waiting for me to come home. He is not here to go with me to get pizza. He is not here to go to Ruby Tuesdays and use discount coupons. He does not need me to help him bathe or get ready for bed. I don't need to wash his clothes. All his shoes are getting dusty. He isn't here to go with me to let the chickens out and stay outside until they are ready to go roost. He is not here to eat an icecream cone with me. HE IS NOT HERE AND HE WON'T BE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE. I  can see him when he drew his last breath and how his color changed. I see him when they let us return to his room and I had to run out, I couldn't stand to see him like he was . He had lain with his mouth wide open and his head thrown back. I asked the hospice nurse to please close his mouth and she couldn't. In his casket it didn't look like him. His face had gotten thin and he looked like a very old man. His eyes and lips didn't look normal. Again, I couldn't stand to look at him.  Now he is lying buried in a church yard near my house. I can't believe it !  But I did find a small heart shaped rock on his grave as I was raking it off. Was it telling me Happy Valentine's Day from him?

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Martha Jane,

I have heard it said many times before that they do try to send us messages, so I'd accept this as your Valentine from him.  (((hugs)))

I understand all of the things you lamented, I get it.  It's so dang hard.

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Martha Jane, I often wonder about little things like that, like the rock you found. I have had a few little things happen. I wonder all the time if he can remember our conversations or if he knows anything about what I am doing. I hate that we never got to do things together like get pizza. It hurts so much to love someone I didn't even really have the right to love. I think that's one part of it that hurts the most. I just kind of feel like nobody in the scheme of things, now that he is gone. I have no connection to him what so ever and it hurts me so much. I know I have to go on with life. I have a long way to go but I just don't know how to let go. I wish I could visit his grave. I went once at night. I don't want anyone to see me there I don't want to hurt anyone. He was cremated but the ashes were buried. Sometimes when I think of how gorgeous he was then it pops in my head that he is mere ashes now and it makes me have a panic attack. Thinking about his body being burned is more than I can take. I know he isn't in that body anymore but it still hurts.

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I think I understand how you feel. Years and years ago I had someone else I loved before I met my husband. We broke up because he had met another girl. He was very honest and had to tell me because he knew  how I felt about him. We parted as friends and went our separate ways . Mine was to get married and have children and live a full happy life although I never forgot him. He became a state trooper and three years later he was killed instantly in an accident while on duty. Broadsided by some drunk college students. I learned later after my daughter began working for the troopers that her good friend was the son of the trooper driving the car. He said that Anthony was supposed to be driving but hadn't felt well so his daddy drove. If not he would have been sitting on the side that got hit. He said if that had happened he wouldn't be here. He died in 1961. In 1989 I visited his grave for the first time, It also was at night because I had a hard time finding it and it became dark. A man from the cemetery office helped me look and found out I was at the wrong plot and led me right to it. I stood in that cemetery in a large town crying on the shoulder of a complete stranger. A few weeks later I went back and left a dime because we had some funny things happen at special times and we always found a dime. Since then I have found over 1000 dimes all over the places that I have lived and visited. There have been times that I would feel like I was being led toward them because they weren't visible. That made me believe that things could happen like a message. I believe the rock was a message. It would have to be the Lord who is doing it though, guiding me to these things. Although I loved my husband I never lost my love for Anthony. But now I mourn for my husband not Anthony as much. He died on Dec 13, 1961 and my husband died Dec 13 2016. I have thought lots of times that cremation might be better than having your body buried in the cold dark earth. I hate to think about that too. I am thinking about you and wishing there were some words I could say to comfort you but I can't find any to comfort myself.

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The thought occurs to me how interesting it is to hear everyone's love journeys...so I guess in a way that made my valentine day a little better. Plus I got flowers from grandson Mason :-).?

Preyers for peace and love for all...and for a message of love and comfort from those we are all missing and also from the loved ones we have surrounding us...in this world and the next ..world, dimension...whatever the next step is..

Marie

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Martha Jane that story made me tear up a bit.  When I went to his grave at night it was also raining. Ironic because when he was alive we kept joking about waiting on it to rain so he could be off work so we could see each other. Death is so hard and the worst possible thing to go through in life because it is the one thing there is no hope for while we are here, and nothing can fix it. During a break up or an argument with someone you always hope. When someone is sick you can hope. But when someone dies there is none. No one has ever made me feel like he did. I am so scared years and years will go by and I'll barely remember the times I had with him and how he made me feel. Right now it is all so fresh in my memory as though it happened today. I just have this image of 50 years from now and me thinking about him in a faint distant memory. It hasn't been quite two months yet and while it seems like I talked to him five min ago at the same time it seems like it was forever ago. 

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I think I understand how you feel. Years and years ago I had someone else I loved before I met my husband. We broke up because he had met another girl. He was very honest and had to tell me because he knew  how I felt about him. We parted as friends and went our separate ways . Mine was to get married and have children and live a full happy life although I never forgot him. He became a state trooper and three years later he was killed instantly in an accident while on duty. Broadsided by some drunk college students. I learned later after my daughter began working for the troopers that her good friend was the son of the trooper driving the car. He said that Anthony was supposed to be driving but hadn't felt well so his daddy drove. If not he would have been sitting on the side that got hit. He said if that had happened he wouldn't be here. He died in 1961. In 1989 I visited his grave for the first time, It also was at night because I had a hard time finding it and it became dark. A man from the cemetery office helped me look and found out I was at the wrong plot and led me right to it. I stood in that cemetery in a large town crying on the shoulder of a complete stranger. A few weeks later I went back and left a dime because we had some funny things happen at special times and we always found a dime. Since then I have found over 1000 dimes all over the places that I have lived and visited. There have been times that I would feel like I was being led toward them because they weren't visible. That made me believe that things could happen like a message. I believe the rock was a message. It would have to be the Lord who is doing it though, guiding me to these things. Although I loved my husband I never lost my love for Anthony. But now I mourn for my husband not Anthony as much. He died on Dec 13, 1961 and my husband died Dec 13 2016. I have thought lots of times that cremation might be better than having your body buried in the cold dark earth. I hate to think about that too. I am thinking about you and wishing there were some words I could say to comfort you but I can't find any to comfort myself.

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One day Anthony and I went to a large cemetery in the middle of Birmingham. He wanted to find the grave of a classmate that had died his senior year.  We were in the old part of the cemetery and there was a wall with a gate near it. He said, this is where I want to be buried. I asked him why and he said when Jesus came back and the trumpet blew he could be one of the first ones out. I gave him a shove and laughed and said You aren't going anywhere and he said well I can leave quick and hide. Three years later he was buried in that same cemetery but not where he showed me. I quess I was the only one he said that to. He was buried in the Italian section as that was his nationality. I did not attend his funeral because by that time I was married. I have visited his grave though and left flowers and a dime. Then I started finding dimes all the time. When I went to close out my husband's insurance policy when I walked to my car, there lay a dime. I felt that it was from both of them now. And then I found the heart shaped rock on my husband's grave two days before Valentine's day. I don't know if it was coincidences but I like to think that it wasn't. I hope somehow they are looking down on me. They were the two most important people in my life. But God wanted my life to be spent with the one I married and I thank him for that with all my heart. My husband liked to tell me that he loved me with all his heart and soul and all that was within him. And he did. All I can do is remember him and cry. 

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3 hours ago, martha jane said:

I don't know if it was coincidences but I like to think that it wasn't. I hope somehow they are looking down on me.

If it brings you comfort to think both your husband and your Anthony are looking down on you and looking after you, dear Martha Jane, then who's to say that you are wrong in that belief? The signs you're receiving from them are simply wonderful, and I for one am happy for you 

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I'm sure I've already said it somewhere else but I used to meet him at this place (being discreet by saying "this place" just in case his family happens to joint this forum-not likely but just in case) I found just a few days after he died something in my house with that specific logo on it of the place where we met. At first it just made me really upset. I asked my husband where it came from and he said some man down the st gave it to him. Now I'd like to think that was his way of saying hi or letting me know he's ok. 

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