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iPraiseHim

Shock and Awe after two years...

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Christian viewpoint shared...

I had an Interesting Valentines day. i was scheduled to work but then work was postponed again.  I had already planned to have dinner with my Dad so I made up some extra meals and made his favorite , Deviled eggs.  So instead of moping around remembering the past, I ended up focusing on the present. 

Two days later (16th), was the second anniversary of Rose Anne's death. When I woke up that day I had a song in my heart and joy unspeakable.  I didn't question it or over analyze it.  It was the most amazing and curious thing to have happen.  I still grieve my wife yet there is joy.  It really boggles my mind. As the day wound down, I was praying and was reminded of another time this occurred.Many years ago, when my wife and I were dealing with her Mom about her health issues.  There was a diagnosis of inoperative cancer.  Many people were praying for us in the Church and different care groups.  Despite the devastating news, we found ourselves lifted up in spirit that God and the prayers of saints were being answered. I believe it is God's grace.

I Visited my Dad again yesterday and made enchiladas and he really enjoyed them.  I am off on Monday so I plan to take my Dad  to my Chiropractor so he can get an adjustment.  His back is out of alignment and is making it difficult for him to sleep.

I had an estimate at an apartment complex today (SAT) but I never did find his apartment.  The challenge is he could not talk on the phone (disability).  The other challenge is visitor parking is at least a 1/4 mile to the apartment making it long and arduous to carry equipment plus walk up a flight a stairs.  I'm not a spring chicken anymore and I know my limitations.

I'm working on one of my computers today replacing a CPU fan as it is starting to fail and is shutting down the computer.... then I will study some more for my pilot license and do some flying in my flight simulator.:wub:

This passion and joy of flying :wub:  is motivating me to get other things done like getting my eyesight checked and new glasses.  I am continuing to lose weight and working on some more home projects.

Search out and find your passion or rekindle it.:rolleyes:  We all have a purpose and meaning.  We have the freedom to chose to live because our beloved partners want that for us still.  Find your passion pursue your dream.  Hope springs eternal...  Shalom, George    

 

 

 

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George,

Your whole post is so uplifting, I feel very happy for you!
About the unreachable client...could he have a caregiver or family member or neighbor present that you could drop the equipment off with, go park and then walk back to the apt.?  Do you have a GPS that could help with finding his place?  Or ask the apt. manager?  Perhaps the apt. manager could give you permission to park closer for a limited period of time?

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7 hours ago, kayc said:

George,

Your whole post is so uplifting, I feel very happy for you!
About the unreachable client...could he have a caregiver or family member or neighbor present that you could drop the equipment off with, go park and then walk back to the apt.?  Do you have a GPS that could help with finding his place?  Or ask the apt. manager?  Perhaps the apt. manager could give you permission to park closer for a limited period of time?

His Mom called but she was out of town.  This is a large apartment complex with car towing signs prominent.  It was just not workable. There were other factors, too.

The CPU fan replace and install was supposed to be easy.  However, I found out that HP installed an INTEL chip on my AMD mother board.  Apparently, HP is notorious for doing stuff like this ( according to the techs). My chip fan/heat-sink was round and the replacement I bought was square!.. So I returned it , found the correct fan and ordered it from AMAZON,.  It will arrive in a week.  It is my business computer so I only turn it on once a day for business and then completely shut it down so it doesn't overheat.   I also run a program that monitors the CPU chip heat and it automatically shuts the system down before the temperatures get too high and ruin the motherboard.

This grief is not over by any means.  It hit me pretty hard this morning, yet I remembered some praise music Rose Anne and I listened to and used in our groups.  The songs are so encouraging and uplifting. Church was good.

I find my expectations set me up for disappointment. The funny thing about my expectations is that the other person doesn't know them so why am I getting upset???  I am learning to accept whatever happens as this is what is supposed to happen. 

 

Being alone, most of the time, I do a lot of thinking and contemplating...  I realize that my feeling of  loneliness are self focused.  How many times do I think about someone else and how I can lift them up or encourage them. It takes energy and I'm tired! My plan is to make an effort to say hi to someone each day, smile and find out  how their day is going.  There are many things I like to do so I need to make the effort and go DO SOMETHING that I like.  I have a real busy work schedule this week so it should be interesting.:rolleyes:  - Shalom, George

 

  

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Can you take the outside of the tower off so it gets more air, perhaps even have an exterior fan blowing on it? 

I've learned to accept the grief, it has a mind of its own.  I'm not one of those people that think I "should" be upbeat all of the time, it's natural to have ups and downs, we just accept the good and the bad.  Overall we move in a progressive fashion, with more and more times of optimism and even happy moments, so when the down moments come we can accept them as just part of the journey.  You're working on building your life something you can live with, something with positivity in it, and that's so great!
 

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Newly grievers please skip this post. You already have enough to deal with!

 

Things I am pondering after two years ....

After finishing almost one year of grief I found out that the second year and beyond is when the reality of my wife's death and loss begins to sink in and it can be tougher that the first year. It was not what I expected to hear but in fact what did happen.  The shear enormous intensity of the grief has lessened but it is still tough.

So what surprises do I have waiting for me around this corner of my life?

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It is natural that after the first year life will be different because you awaken from the sheer horror of what has happened. The second year you slowly begin to accept what has happened.

We are protected from the full in-pack of our loss because our hearts could not take the reality. We learn to take life in doses now.

I like your last sentence “So what do I have waiting for me around this corner of my life?” What I have learned is that we try to stay in the moment. It will do no good to look into the future nor is it healthy to keep focused in the past. You will know what is best for you by continuing to be aware of what your heart is telling you. We can only appreciate each day and you will do that. If flying is what you are meant to do then I believe you will fly. If you try to look too far into the future you will become despondent. The reality is, George, that you will always miss Rose Anne. She will always be with you. Whatever you do she will be with you. “Grief bursts” will come when you are not expecting them to. Allow them and don’t try to “stuff” them. This different life will have surprises and some will even be good ones. Remember, life is precious and it is good to take in the beauty of our world.

Here is a video I have found to be very soothing: “A Good Day” by Brother David Steindl-Rast

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Enna. Thank you. Very nice. I try to remember and think about the good but at times so hard. I will save this for especially down times.

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George (and Anne, I like your response to him), more of the same for a while...

It took me three years just to process George's death, not that it'll take that for you all, everyone's different.  I might be slow. :)  It hasn't changed drastically since then except I've continued working on building a life for myself that I can live with and finding purpose, that's something I continue working on.  The adjusting, it seems to come imperceptibly slow but it happens.  You're right, reality hits in doses, if it hit all at once I doubt we could handle it...Lord knows it's hard enough as it is.  I think the initial shock is kind of like a protective layer that we really need in the beginning.  The process is kind of amazing when you think about it, not that different from how our physical body handles trauma and healing.

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KayC, I think the need to determine "your new Purpose" opposed to rushing in to "fill the purpose void" is a trap we must be aware of......I'm approaching my second year and am only now becoming comfortable with this Widower life.......Enna, that was dynamite "Good Day"

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Enna, I listened to the video.  Wish it helped.  Just not in the head space to see gratitude.  

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21 hours ago, kevin said:

KayC, I think the need to determine "your new Purpose" opposed to rushing in to "fill the purpose void" is a trap we must be aware of......I'm approaching my second year and am only now becoming comfortable with this Widower life.......Enna, that was dynamite "Good Day"

If you notice my time frame for working on that was 3-12 years...hardly a rush!  

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KayC, the reference is to myself.......the 'Yours", is a reference to my second person......another common word is rebound.....sorry  kevin

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I just watching a compelling true life story.  Victor Marx - "When Impossible is the only Way out"!

Christian content...

Here is the link...

Shalom

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Life is busy and that is good.  I was able to replace the CPU fan and the computer is working fine. My computer was working great.

I was working on my business paperwork and a message from my Firewall/Antivirus program popped up to remind me to update the program.  It recommended that I UNINSTALL the old program. I clicked OKAY and continued with my paperwork. The computer rebooted and I lost internet connection.  I tried everything.  It looks like WINDOWS 10 decided to do its update in the middle of my process. I have worked on it for four hours yesterday trying all kinds of suggestions that didn't work.

I went online (with my other computer that wants me to do the same update.... NO!!)  And asked for help from the Antivirus/Firewall Program.  I download their CLEAN  utility on a flash drive and run on the " no internet" computer.

So next time there is un update I will not just click the uninstall program "IT DOESN"T WORK".  Instead look for and use their CLEAN program  (ZoneAlarm).. Live and Learn.

Now to get my Carbonite Online backup program to work again...

 

Going to visit my Dad this afternoon. He is gradually improving. He has an appointment to get his infected ear checked soon.  We think it is what is causing his Vertigo symptoms. He did drive his car for the first time in over two months( my sister was with him).  He did well.

Yesterday, I was hit again with the "what if" and If only" thoughts. Even after two years, these thoughts try to take over. Grief is not easy and it's still hard to accept at times that my precious wife is gone.  I focus on the good times and memories and just let these fleeting thoughts flee.  I could crash hard if I continued to focus on these darker feelings.  Instead, I just go flying in my plane!  I am learning more each flight. I am thankful that my passion to fly is rekindled. - Shalom  

 

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It seems the what if and if only thoughts hit us all like a pit for us to fall into.  It's been a while since I've been there but I remember it going around and around in my head years ago...as if looking for a different outcome.  Alas I realize there is only one outcome and that is the reality I am left with. :(

Sorry you went through all of the computer headaches, George.  I disengaged windows 10 updates, they said it couldn't be done but I found a way and haven't had any problems since.  I have limited data because of where I live, only slow speed exists here, 10.3 GB allowance per month, which means no streaming and you have to watch how much you download stuff or watch youtube.  It does NOT allow for Microsoft to do what it wants to with your computer any time it takes a whim!  It was eating all my data and I kept having to add more, it had a voracious appetite that could not be satisfied because it continually "failed" with it's updates so continually kept trying again.  I'm happily enjoying my peace and quiet from Microsoft now.  I'm annoyed that they deleted my Windows 7 operating system because I cannot restore to it now, you wouldn't think they could do that because I paid for it, but they seem to do what they want.  I wish I had Linux back!

For anyone wanting to know HOW to disconnect Microsoft updates on Windows 10:

Right click start menu or win+R
Run
services.msc
windows updates 
stop
Right click properties
check disabled
apply
 
windows installer
stop
close window
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Thanks, KayC. I disabled WIN 10 Updates on one computer and will do the same tomorrow morning on my other thanks. 

Yes, Ana it is so much to learn but having fun doing it.

Had a good visit with my Dad tonight. He is getting better each day and is back to driving again.  It is building his confidence.

My sister's heart ablation surgery has been moved up to next week March 9th. Her heart is racing to 150 bpm at rest.  It's a two + hour surgery with some risks.  I ask for prayer , guidance of the doctor, nurses, techs, etc... and that my sister would be healed from this latest health concern.  She has been working to reduce her weight, eat healthier, exercise, etc.. I hope that this is the best course of treatment for her. 

I had planned to attend my church men's weekend conference about 90 minutes away. I will need to see what happens.  I just heard that Bill Paxton just died from a similar heart procedure this last week.  It's disconcerting.  My sister was going to try another natural protocol to possibly avoid this surgery but now her surgery was bumped up from May to now.  Praying... Shalom

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8 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said:

Thanks, KayC. I disabled WIN 10 Updates on one computer and will do the same tomorrow morning on my other thanks. 

Yes, Ana it is so much to learn but having fun doing it.

Had a good visit with my Dad tonight. He is getting better each day and is back to driving again.  It is building his confidence.

My sister's hear Ablation surgery has been moved up to next week March 9th. Her heart is racing to 150 bpm at rest.  It's a two + hour surgery with some risks.  I ask for prayer , guidance of the doctor, nurses, techs, etc... and that my sister would be healed from this latest health concern.  She has been working to reduce her weight, eat healthier, exercise, etc.. I hope that this is the best course of treatment for her. 

I had planned to attend my church men's weekend conference about 90 minutes away. I will need to see what happens.  I just heard that Bill Paxton just died from a similar heart procedure this last week.  It's disconcerting.  My sister was going to try another natural protocol to possibly avoid this surgery but now her surgery was bumped up from May to now.  Praying... Shalom

Thoughts, best wishes, and prayers for your sister George.

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George,

I will be praying for your sister.  She is making some positive choices for her physical health and I pray it brings much fruition to her!

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