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Patty65

Simultaneous Grief and Love

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"I love you. It is as simple and as complicated as that."

I have gone from here, 
And I am still here.
I am in deep anguishing grief, 
And I am in love.
They are opposite, and they are the same.

Am I still a "widow" if I am in love?
Can I find joy and hope with new love, 
And sob in anguish for my lost love, 
In the same day, the same hour, the same minute?
With a note of music or a glance of memory?

I have never known the anguish of this past year,
I never knew it could exist, it did exist.
I still fall deeply, and I want to run, to die, to crumble.
I wonder how I could be loved in this state,
And yet I am, and I love.

I miss him with every fiber of my being
I miss everything we were, and 
Everything we were to become.
I ache for the life he deserved, 
And lost too young.

His bravery in death
Is my bravery to live.
I have been graced by an open window,
To love that does not die,
And can still exist, here and now.

Can this be true?
It must, because here I am.
As simple and as complicated as that.

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:wub:

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Oh my dear Patty. How my heart hurts for you. And at the same time, I rejoice for you ~ and for Stephen, too. Please, please remember that the capacity of the human heart to love is infinite, and if you and Steve have found love for each other, it is to be celebrated. Not only by all of us, but by your precious Ron and Kathy too. After all, it is the two of them who taught each of you what true love is, and to recognize it when you find it.

Take whatever time you need ~ I'm sure that if anyone understands what it is you need, it is this fine man you've been blessed to find. My heart is filled with joy for both of you ~ and at the same time, I cannot imagine how frightening it must be for you to take this leap of faith again. We love you both, and we are here for both of you . . . 

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For a long time, Marty, long before all of this year, my therapist would explain -- how feelings that seem opposite can coexist together.  To be in anguish and rejoice all at once?  It seems such an abstract theory at best.  I want to be here.  I need to be here.  I need here.  I almost feel guilty to, yet the grief is still sharp and biting and everything it can only be.  Yet my love for Steve is an unexpected rainbow -- it exists by the volition of the beautiful rays of sunrise catching the mist of rain after a devastating downpour.

I will still keep trying to find my way here.  Because I love you all, you all have saved my life, in the most ultimately alone and lost days that have ever existed for me.

Much, much love,

Patty

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13 hours ago, Patty65 said:

Am I still a "widow" if I am in love?
Can I find joy and hope with new love, 
And sob in anguish for my lost love, 
In the same day, the same hour, the same minute?

Yes, Patty, you are a widow and you can grieve and love at the same time, one does not cancel the other.  The phrase I use is I coexist with my grief.  I can feel joy at any moment, all while still carrying that sadness that exists since the day I lost George.  I continue to miss him each and every day of my life.  It's hard to label, you can't box it in nice and neat, but it is, you embrace it, all while embracing the love you are finding with Steve.  

You will find that your grief doesn't magically go away even as you build a life with your new love.  Fortunately you are doing so with someone who gets it and understands and is going through the same thing, and it is okay.  I am happy and hopeful for both of you.

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 I was affraid to missunderstand a post somewhere else because I don't speak english, but now I get it! I'm so happy for both of you. What a beautiful thing this forum is. Best wishes. Ana

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Ana, English may not be your first language but you do an amazing job speaking it and understanding it!  I seriously doubt I could do so well with a second language!

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8 hours ago, kayc said:

Ana, English may not be your first language but you do an amazing job speaking it and understanding it!  

No kidding!

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20170325_184245_resized.thumb.jpg.aae8094a25c0633715065ad35c72e831.jpgSo I write this on my last day here in Paradise where I have been helping Patty in the kitchen. Yes I have learned more in four days than I have ever known before. To watch this lady work is so freakin cool.

I am jumping on this thread because I have experienced the most intense combination of simultanious grief and love. A few nights ago Patty and I went to the top of Haleakala crater here on Maui to watch the sunset and look at the stars. We listened to Kathy and Ron's playlists and it hit us both at the same time. To mourn a loss of someone we have both loved so dearly and still do and yet we love each other. We can cry together and look into each  others eyes and realize how lucky we are to have found our way to where we are now. I wish I could explain it better but words can't do this justice. How we can find joy amidst the sorrow is still out of my ability to understand. I just know I am exactly where I am supposed to be in this love affair and I will never leave. 

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You are experiencing the highs and lows of love and grief simultaneously, so this is a very emotional experience.  They aren't so opposite, they are other sides of the same coin.  I enjoyed seeing pictures of YOU baking! :)

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I wanted to mention Kay how nice it was to see your pieces that you contributed to the art auction in Patty's home. She had bought them at the auction and I remember packing them for travel back to Maui. Nice to see them again. Glad you have the eye surgery behind you!

As time passes we find a comfort growing between new love and grief. You are right about the "coin" and these two emotions can live along side each other but never shall they replace one or the other. We seem to slip into grief and sadness often together at the same time yet we allow that of each other. Then we bask in the joy that is our lives now. This is not easily explained but feels so natural.  I never imagined I would ever find myself in such a place but I am so very grateful to be here.

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I just wish life weren't so difficult for your lady right now, Steve. I can only imagine how helpless you must feel, and how far away. You both deserve every happiness, and I pray that all of this strife will soon end for Patty ~ or at least come to some sort of resolution she can live with. If only we could stop the world from turning for a while so she could catch her breath and bask in the love you have for her . . . 

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I just read an article that made me think of you, Steve. Just sharing it with you:

A Young Widower's Marathon, Part 2: Healing, Resilience and Dating by Michelle Jarvie

Andy Guice’s life forever changed when he met his wife. She uplifted and encouraged him in ways he’d never known. Then she underwent three rounds of chemotherapy for ovarian cancer and suffered a terrible death just before their third wedding anniversary. He was 31 years old. The first part of this interview series covered her illness and the many difficult months following her death. Months that held suicidal ideation and intensive therapy. The remainder of his interview now follows, revealing wisdom and hope that have changed him once again. Read on here >>>

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Last weekend we both had a change of venue and went to Santa Ynez in California. It was so wonderful to leave the stress of work behind if just for a few days. The hardest part is saying goodbye but it is what it is till we get to say goodbye no more. But for a while she can leave the worry and stress behind and smile the most beautiful smile.

route 246.jpg

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It's good to have some respite, no matter how brief!  And you're right about the smile!...both of yours. :):) 

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Finding new love is a wonder in itself after I never thought it could or would ever happen. It doesn't come easy though if you go through grief to get there. I doubt there ever could be an easy side to this but I wanted to share this with those who may find themselves in this unique place. For Patty it comes more difficult than for me because she is in the process of closing down Maui Pasta in Hawaii. With that comes the sorrow of her dream disintegrating and so comes the reality of it all. On June the fourth the doors will be closed ending a major chapter in her life. Her life with Ron and their dream. It doesn't matter that we will be starting Maui Pasta in Arizona where one has a fighting chance to make money and her first landlord will be me. All that can't negate the loss and I knew this was coming but kept it to myself. I knew I could not stop it but so hated to see it arrive. We have to hold on to each other and start a new dream. I can't think of a better place  to see Maui Pasta rise from the ashes than in Phoenix.

I wonder if anyone starts a new relationship without a bigger sense of the loss of their spouse and does that not start a grief process of it's own?  Even I feel it........ and it has been over six years. It is not the same as when Kathy died but it is grief just the same. Twinges of the loss come back. The difference is how I feel about time. Seems so long ago yet feels like yesterday. I don't want to forget. I don't want to stop missing her and Patty allows me that. In turn she knows Ron is welcome in our life. I think Patty and I are unique and for that I feel blessed. I always said I live a charmed life. I have risen from the ashes before.  I know how to do this.

Now all I can think about is seeing her in two more days as I cross the Pacific again to find some peace and calm in the midst of her storm.

:wub:

 

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Wishing peace and healing for both of you as you support each other through this latest challenge, dear Steve 

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I can imagine what Patty is going through...it'd be different if she were merely moving Maui Pasta across town, but to move it to a different state means starting over again with different employees, different customers, and a feeling of losing the dream her and Ron started.  The essence is still there, she'll still have the business, but it will have to be resurrected, something like Beauty from Ashes.  An incorporation of the old and the new.  My heartfelt prayers are with Patty, the emotions she's experiencing...although I must say, she is getting a much nicer landlord. ;)

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Kathy always told me that life is short. To waste it would be a shame. I suppose I learned that truth when she died so young but in the time we had we did some stuff. No regrets really but wishing the days had been more. Now I realize that I am older than I was when I first understood that simple truth and how it rings more true than ever.  I will take no day for granted in my new life and waste not a one. 

As we order a pod to move Maui Pasta and Patty's home across the Pacific to end up here in Scottsdale I find excitement and anticipation in this new adventure for she is coming here. I have it easy because I see her headlights coming. She has it hard looking in the rear view mirror. But one day we shall smile again and find ourselves alive once more.

 

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When you skype with someone almost twenty four hours a day you get a sense of their day and what they are going through.  I don't mind admitting that I do that for as Patty and I go through our busy day at work I can stop and watch what she is doing. Today is the last day of operation of Maui Pasta in Hawaii and as I write this I am watching her cook in a frenzy.

She set a record yesterday for the most money made in one day mostly because over 4000 facebook followers read that she was closing. I saw a lady put a lea over her neck and that kind of hit me. So many people there love her and will miss her badly. If she makes it just three more hours it will be over and that brings emotions all of their own. I feel rather helpless because I am back here in Scottsdale now working my own business.  I have said that she teaches me courage. She teaches me more that that.

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Thinking of both of you. :wub: 

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It has to be extremely emotional.  I feel both brokenhearted for Patty, yet also excited as she begins to embark on a new journey.  She will be grieving her business, where she's called home for so long, the townspeople, the Hawaiian way of life, and the connection she undoubtedly felt with Ron there.  This is going to be very hard.  Just hold her, through it all. 

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