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Numb and Lost

I don't want to be stronger

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I am so tired of hearing how I will be a stronger and better person having gone through this. I don't care anything about being stronger. I should be a bullet proof indestructable tank given what I had already been through. I know my friends mean well but I don't even want to talk to them anymore because everything they say infuriates me in some way, sometimes maybe even when it shouldn't. No one can possibly fathom this agony if they haven't experienced it themselves. I realize I am not a voice of encouragement on this forum and I apologize for that. I just feel so utterly hopeless. I can't drive in my car by myself without crying. I can't listen to music hardly. Sometimes I have a normal appetite but then I get sick afterwards. I turn the radio on and then back off pretty quickly. I can't stand most songs. I just can't believe something I feared so much and then dreamed about really happened. It isn't normal to have a fear that a 34 year old will die for no reason, however I did have that fear and my fear became my reality. I thought I was finished with my "anger" stage of grief but evidently not because I am livid today. I'm not angry at God I'm just angry. Im angry and drowning in tears even as I type. I feel like I just can't take it and I can't accept this and go on to leave any normal semblance of a life. I may go through the motions and look normal on the outside but not inside. I know I have to as I don't have a choice but I don't know how. I don't want to "find the positive in every day" as people suggest. I don't find anything positive right now. I also know from experience life can ALWAYS get worse so I shouldn't feel like nothing is positive but I can't help it right now. My biggest struggle is accepting he is gone. I'm holding on to something and I'm not sure what. I think I've probably said this already as apparently I'm turning into a repetitive forgetful parrot but I always felt like there was more to come concerning him and me even during times we weren't seeing each other.  I was always right. I still feel that way. I feel it so strongly. I just feel like something is going to happen and I'm waiting on whatever that is. I hope the reason I feel that way is because I really will see him again in heaven. My friends that know don't want to hear it anymore so I pretty much have nowhere to go but here. They think I should be "better" by now. I used to look for him when I was on the road now I just look at the clouds. I do not know how to "let go." I just don't want to.  It just doesn't seem real. I'm really repeating myself now.  I'm making myself sick, in the middle of a breakdown on here typing at the same time with teardrops all over my phone screen. 

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Everything you are describing is grief.  Grievers ARE thin-skinned in the earlier days and take offense at pretty much anything anyone says to them, whether true or not.  Everything seems to strike us the wrong way when in this stage of grief!  Try to hold off throwing your friends out and realize it's where you are in your grief and they mean well even if everything they say and do seems to bomb.  

I was 11 days into my grief journey after losing my beloved husband when I began looking for something good in each day, so I know it can be done.  Right now you're feeling angry and that keeps you from being able to find anything positive.  It's not what people want to hear, but it truly is a choice.  If it's not a choice you can make right now, perhaps later on it will be.  Right now everything you are feeling is part of your grief and it's where you are in your journey.  No one can tell you you "should" anything, let alone that you "should" be better right now.  That's bull crap, I'm sorry!  When they have walked a day in your shoes, they STILL can't tell you how you should feel!  Why?  Because they aren't you, they didn't have the exact same relationship you had, they don't have your personality, your coping skills, they are not on your journey!  You alone can choose how you make this journey, and no one else.  It doesn't FEEL like we even have the ability to choose because when we're in it our feelings are so strong and they tend to lead us.  BUT feelings aren't a good barometer of anything and aren't meant to guide us especially through these hard places...yet at the same time our brain is in a fog because of the grief, what a dilemma!  It does get better but I can't tell you when, it's different for everyone.  Right now just keep on crying your tears and know that your feelings are valid.

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Sometimes I have moments when I feel kind of normal, and ok. But I think it's because in those moments I forget that he is gone forever from this life. When I'm working my mind gets temporarily focused on that but then when I get in my car I immediately remember the times I called him when getting in my car between traveling for work. The last day I ever spoke to him was a rainy Tuesday just like we had yesterday here. The last time he ever text me was a rainy Wed like today. Yesterday when I was in my car I wasn't parked in the same spot that I last talked to him on that rainy Tuesday. Those are the moments that I feel I will never be ok or happy again.  

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I can actually feel the pain you are in. I wish I could do something to comfort you but I haven't found much to comfort myself except for the fact that my husband lived a long life and possibly escaped being bedridden from  Parkinson's.  34 is so very young. It seems much more of a tragedy than when an older person dies. My husband got sick and never had a chance although I didn't realize it at the time. I have a friend who keeps asking me what I am going to do, that I can't live alone, etc. She knows nothing about how it feels for your husband to die. She said she had talked to a lot of widows and know how they think.  No she does not. NO one knows until it happens to them. Don't worry about crying,  I do the same thing and am staying away from church because I don't want people to see me cry.  Its hard to see the places he walked, the truck he drove, the tools that he used to make a good living for me and my children. I could go on and on but you know what I mean.  Please just take things a day at a time or an hour at a time and right now don't think about the future and what you should do.  I don't know your circumstances but it doesn't matter. The man you love is gone and it seems impossible, so impossible.

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It does seem so impossible. I feel like I just can't do it, can't go on, but of course I have no choice. I understand why you avoid church. Sometimes the sermon touches my heart but it makes me sad and it makes me cry at the same time. In fact tonight at church my eyes were watery the entire time. I was telling myself "don't cry don't cry don't cry." No your friend couldn't possibly understand how you feel. I can't believe people that even suggest they understand when they haven't been through this. I think taking it an hour at a time is even more appropriate than a day at a time. It's funny how I feel ok for a min when I'm working or washing clothes and then it hits me he's gone and I won't see or talk to him again. I don't think there is anything more painful in life than death. I think I would rather be physically hurting or dying myself than experiencing this emotional pain. 

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12 minutes ago, Numb and Lost said:

No your friend couldn't possibly understand how you feel. I can't believe people that even suggest they understand when they haven't been through this.

We were just talking about that in my grief support group yesterday.  People don't even get that they don't get it!
Numb and Lost, you are my daughter's age, my heart breaks for you, I can't imagine her having to go through this at this young of an age.  Yet on the other grief site there are so many age 22 or so...it just seems so unfair!  Some left with babies to raise on their own.  It's just so hard. :(

I was just mentioning to my group that sometimes we can't even handle a day at a time and we might have to break it down to an hour or a minute, whatever we feel we can handle.

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It's crazy how the entire world seems so different. Everything looks and sounds different. It was so ironic Marty posted that song that said "now I see clouds from both sides" because I just look up at them all the time now and think about him, being on the other side of them. I imagine the day we are caught up in the clouds. 

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Numb and Lost - I know exactly what you're going through.  I just lost my husband that I was happily married to for 24 years on March 3rd.  Exactly one month ago today, my world came crashing down.  He passed suddenly after a very brief illness. I was stunned and in total disbelief that he was gone.  Still am.  It all happened so quickly, since the beginning of the year.  I really haven't had time to completely process it.  

My pain is very raw and I cry at the drop of a hat.  I'm coping as best I can with the loss of my best friend and partner, but it's all so overwhelming. My family flew in and was there for me during the first week of him being gone, so the realization didn't really hit me. I was numb. After that first week and the family went back up home, my "friend bubble" moved in and helped for a while.  I was still numb.  Now, a month out, the newness of the situation has worn off and I feel people are starting to get annoyed about my crying jags and introverted demeanor.  The realization that he's gone is really starting to hit me and the fear is starting to settle in.  I find myself during nights and weekends just sitting and remembering the blur of the past 3 months and I'm reduced to a sobbing mess.  How am I supposed to  get up and stand strong when I can hardly breathe?  What's the first step?  So many thoughts are running through my head that I'm in a stupor.

Your comments are reflective of what I have thought over the past month.  I don't want this new normal.  I want him back.  I want my old life back.  Being forced into this new life isn't fair.  Finding myself alone at this point was not part of the plan.  

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It's been about 3 and a half months and it still hurts just as much. I don't find joy in doing anything and I still cry every single day. Someone told me I shouldn't look at his pictures that it doesn't help. I asked her "well what else can I do? I miss him and that is all I have left." I look at his picture and I still just can't believe its true. 

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On 4/3/2017 at 3:39 PM, Mike's Girl said:

Numb and Lost - I know exactly what you're going through.  I just lost my husband that I was happily married to for 24 years on March 3rd.  Exactly one month ago today, my world came crashing down.  He passed suddenly after a very brief illness. I was stunned and in total disbelief that he was gone.  Still am.  It all happened so quickly, since the beginning of the year.  I really haven't had time to completely process it.  

My pain is very raw and I cry at the drop of a hat.  I'm coping as best I can with the loss of my best friend and partner, but it's all so overwhelming. My family flew in and was there for me during the first week of him being gone, so the realization didn't really hit me. I was numb. After that first week and the family went back up home, my "friend bubble" moved in and helped for a while.  I was still numb.  Now, a month out, the newness of the situation has worn off and I feel people are starting to get annoyed about my crying jags and introverted demeanor.  The realization that he's gone is really starting to hit me and the fear is starting to settle in.  I find myself during nights and weekends just sitting and remembering the blur of the past 3 months and I'm reduced to a sobbing mess.  How am I supposed to  get up and stand strong when I can hardly breathe?  What's the first step?  So many thoughts are running through my head that I'm in a stupor.

Your comments are reflective of what I have thought over the past month.  I don't want this new normal.  I want him back.  I want my old life back.  Being forced into this new life isn't fair.  Finding myself alone at this point was not part of the plan.  

Sorry for your loss

im grieving the loss of my 29 year old only son and I can feel your pain

i am not sure if it will ever get better..prayers for you

 

 

 

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Mine isn't getting better. Sometimes I think it is a little but then it gets even worse. It has been four months now, and I still I cry all throughout the day. I feel hopeless. I don't feel like I can look forward to anything because my pain overshadows everything. I will be just going about my day when all of a sudden I see his smiling face in my mind and hear his voice and recall everything he ever said all at once and I feel I just don't want to go on. Death is the one thing in life there is no hope for. No hope to see them again until we too die. No hope for relief because the only relief would be if they were here with us again. I feel like each day hurts more than the previous at times just because he seems further away with each passing day. I look forward to when it's time to sleep each night because that's the only time the pain really subsides. I wonder if I will live every day just to make it to the next for the following 50 years. I am truly blessed and I love my children. They bring me immense joy. But as I said before any joy has the overshadowing cloud of pain. I know I could ever feel what he made me feel again. Ever. Obviously I won't ever be looking for it either since I'm married. So it's as if I just have to accept one of the things I wanted most in life (which is how he made me feel) just wasn't meant for me. So I feel like maybe true happiness wasn't meant for me. I don't know how I will make it when my babies (who aren't babies anymore but I still call them my babies, one is 15) grow up and leave me. My heart is in so much pain each and every minute of each and every day. 

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It takes great effort to find any measure of joy.  They say happiness is a choice and you find happiness within, but I do know what you means because I also felt this wonderful-ness when I was with George.  Once in a while though, for just a moment, I feel this wave of happiness come over me...and then it's gone.  But for just a moment I have it.  I guess that's enough for hope.

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Every now and then I feel a wave of peace come over me but even with it there is a sadness. There isn't a day that goes by that I am not shocked that this is reality. I still just can't believe it. I have horrible periods of broken down crying that last an hour or more sometimes. I hope can find my hope, but I am forever a different person. I will never be who I was before.

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40 minutes ago, Numb and Lost said:

Every now and then I feel a wave of peace come over me but even with it there is a sadness.

This is how our life with grief is. We have an undercurrent of sadness running through us so it's there even when we have a bit of joy.  This is what I mean when I say I have learned to coexist with my grief.  It's always in the background and can erupt to the forefront at any given moment.  I do find it happens less often the longer I travel this road although it can be quite intense at times, even the intensity diminishes some from the beginning.

You are right that we will never be who we were again.  The hope we have is in our looking forward to our reuniting with them, and also in learning to appreciate and fully enjoy what is rather than merely lamenting what isn't.

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16 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

Every now and then I feel a wave of peace come over me but even with it there is a sadness. There isn't a day that goes by that I am not shocked that this is reality. I still just can't believe it. I have horrible periods of broken down crying that last an hour or more sometimes. I hope can find my hope, but I am forever a different person. I will never be who I was before.

It is reality.. I go through the day working evenings are harder because that's the time he died.. Easter was a very difficult day for me.. I dread going to the shops because of Mother s day ads..

I am no longer anyone's mom...don't think I will ever see light at end of this long dark tunnel of life

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You are still his mom, you always be, you just can't reach him right now.  Hold on for the day you can be together again, that hope keeps me going.

I'm sorry the evenings are so hard for you and Easter too.  I know Mother's Day will be really tough.  I hope you have plans to spend that day with someone and not be alone through it.  My husband died on Father's Day and I'm always alone then as everyone has their plans, that's a tough day for me, only five days after his birthday.  We get through it, I can't tell you how, but we do.

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17 hours ago, Chellaboosmom said:

It is reality.. I go through the day working evenings are harder because that's the time he died.. Easter was a very difficult day for me.. I dread going to the shops because of Mother s day ads..

I am no longer anyone's mom...don't think I will ever see light at end of this long dark tunnel of life

You will always be his mom, always. I think they still remember us from heaven and hopefully still feel our love for them. I'd like to think maybe the connection is only grieved from our side, that maybe the way they understand and feel love is even stronger from heaven. 

There are days that I dread. I dread his birthday because I will see all the posts on Facebook that I can't even be a part of. Most of all I dread Christmas because that is when he died. This between him and I began at Christmas also. I have always absolutely loved Christmas, everything about it. Now I feel it will just bring back all the painful memories. 

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Numb and Lost,

Most of all I dread Christmas because that is when he died.

Yours died Christmas, mine Father's Day.  Maybe if we try to think of it in another way...that was the day they entered their eternal bliss, so for them it couldn't be anything but a wonderful day!  They no longer experience pain and suffering and struggles and worry.  They are all the more aware we will be coming to join them and time exists no more for them so they aren't anxiously awaiting as we are.  Things are different from their side than they are from ours.  So maybe if we try to celebrate their death day not as the day being taken from us, but as the day they entered their reward!  Just a thought...

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I feel the only way I can console myself is that he has found an end to his struggles and is happier wherever he is

i haven't been through other holidays yet but dreading Mother's Day because last year he called me thrice to wish me .. maybe he knew it was the last time

 

 

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14 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

You will always be his mom, always. I think they still remember us from heaven and hopefully still feel our love for them. I'd like to think maybe the connection is only grieved from our side, that maybe the way they understand and feel love is even stronger from heaven. 

There are days that I dread. I dread his birthday because I will see all the posts on Facebook that I can't even be a part of. Most of all I dread Christmas because that is when he died. This between him and I began at Christmas also. I have always absolutely loved Christmas, everything about it. Now I feel it will just bring back all the painful memories. 

But can't handle it when someone asks me if you have kids..

i say I had one and then cry.. I am not ready to accept that I'm childless 

after 29 years 

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7 hours ago, kayc said:

Maybe if we try to think of it in another way...that was the day they entered their eternal bliss, so for them it couldn't be anything but a wonderful day!  They no longer experience pain and suffering and struggles and worry.  They are all the more aware we will be coming to join them and time exists no more for them so they aren't anxiously awaiting as we are.  Things are different from their side than they are from ours.  So maybe if we try to celebrate their death day not as the day being taken from us, but as the day they entered their reward!  Just a thought...

I love this!  What a wonderful way to look at it.  

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14 hours ago, Chellaboosmom said:

But can't handle it when someone asks me if you have kids..

i say I had one and then cry.. I am not ready to accept that I'm childless 

after 29 years 

I can't even imagine the pain of losing a child, no matter what age. My heart goes out to you. 

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15 hours ago, kayc said:

Numb and Lost,

Yours died Christmas, mine Father's Day.  Maybe if we try to think of it in another way...that was the day they entered their eternal bliss, so for them it couldn't be anything but a wonderful day!  They no longer experience pain and suffering and struggles and worry.  They are all the more aware we will be coming to join them and time exists no more for them so they aren't anxiously awaiting as we are.  Things are different from their side than they are from ours.  So maybe if we try to celebrate their death day not as the day being taken from us, but as the day they entered their reward!  Just a thought...

Very lovely thought. I thought of that back when it happened. I keep having these thoughts of feeling so sorry for him. Sorry he is missing out on his life. I remember feeling sorry he was missing Christmas then I thought oh wait he isn't missing it he's experiencing it far greater than I am. I keep trying to tell myself he isn't gone but just moved. The hardest part in looking forward to a reunion is not having any idea what that might be like or feel like. I still think about him and wonder what he is doing just like I did when he was alive but I can't really imagine it. 

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8 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I can't even imagine the pain of losing a child, no matter what age. My heart goes out to you. 

Thanks 

he is in my dreams regularly 

said last night I am here mom...made me happy that somehow he's reaching out

i think all losses are equal but this one I can never recover from

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10 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

oh wait he isn't missing it he's experiencing it far greater than I am. I keep trying to tell myself he isn't gone but just moved.

I think of it like that too.  We can't change our circumstances, only our focus.  I try really hard and most of the time I do okay (now) but in the early years it was really really tough and even now I miss him so much, it's hard to do life without them here.

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