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Annabella

battling lonliness -- is that selfish?

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Hi>   First time here.  I am terribly lonely.  My husband is sick with Metastatic Ca.  I want to spend more time with him as I anticipate him not being around ---thats just the thing....I dont know how long he'll be around.  He is a devoted Worker.  He identifies i guess with being able to provide financially for us.  I, however, value time together more.  He is still working full time in a heavy labor job and so he has little energy after work except to sit in bed or on the couch and watch TV  ---  TV has always been his mistress.  I have tried to convince him to even just take one day off a week -- maybe midweek -- to rest and spend time with me and maybe our adult children (one still at home finishing school).  I have come to realize that that is not a possibility for him.  He just wont do it..  This is nothing new....he has always worked hard and has left it up to me to schedule family time if I need to....He would actually never take a day off if I didnt plan things.  I think also, since he is sick now he just doesnt want to think about that and just work on per usual.  This makes me very lonely.  He insists he must work even though I am an RN and can work a bit more to make up for any lost wages he may have from taking time to spend with me.  I have always felt unloved, even though I know I am loved -- that is my personal struggle.  But I just wished he would take the time to spend quality time with me before it is too late and he cant.  Is that Selfish.  Even if it is, its not likely to happen.  I do keep busy when I can with hobbies and exercise etc.  I guess I should just suck it up and deal with it....it is what it is I guess.  I will just let him be his way....It has always been this way so why should i expect or want more now that things are so uncertain.    bye for now

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Annabella, my dear, my heart hurts for you as I read your story. Of course there is nothing we can do to change your situation ~ As you say, your husband has always been this way, you've always felt unloved, and it isn't likely that things will change, at least for now. Still, you're feeling what you're feeling: neglected, lonely, fearful of what lies ahead and heaven knows what else. It is certainly possible that as his physical health continues to decline, your husband may have no choice but to slow down ~ and as he gets closer to the end, his attitude toward life and living and making the most of the time he has left with you may change ~ but right now, you must find a way to live with things the way they are. I am so, so sorry ~ but pleased that you have found your way to this warm and caring place. I can promise you this: As you continue on through whatever lies ahead, we will be here to support you through it all ~ just as long as you need for us to be. You are not alone. We are here for you. 

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I am so sorry about your husband's prognosis.  Your love language sounds like "spending quality time together" whereas his is providing for his family (service/doing for others).  The problem comes  when each is doing their own love language instead of the other's because then they each don't feel loved unless their's happens to be the same.  There is a little book called The Five Love Languages that explains it very simply and I've found it to be spot on.  You can recognize with your head that he loves you but your heart isn't feeling it.  We can tell ourselves what is going on but there's still a disconnect.

I hope, as Marty says, you realize you are not alone on this journey, we will be here for you as you go through it if you want us to be, just keep coming back.

As you've already realized, it's pretty hard to change someone else.  All we can do is our best and recognize that the other person is loving us in their own way, even if it's not necessarily the way you would select.  

I am sorry for all you are both going through.  As time goes by he may not feel as much like working and may spend more time at home with you.

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Thank you both for your supportive caring words. I suddenly do not feel all alone.  I will go to the library to get that book, I have a feeling it will help me so that I can better be there for my husband.   thank you.,    \

Annabella

 

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7 hours ago, Annabella said:

... This is nothing new....he has always worked hard and has left it up to me to schedule family time if I need to....He would actually never take a day off if I didn't plan things.

As a guy, it is so ingrained in us that we need to work to provide for our family. However time together with our loved ones is also important.  

I would humbly suggest that you need to schedule some family time. I know from experience, how important it is to rest at least one day every week. Tell him you are lonely and that you need him present with you.  Ask and you will receive...  - Shalom, George   

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Thank you both for your supportive caring words. I suddenly do not feel all alone.  I will go to the library to get that book, I have a feeling it will help me so that I can better be there for my husband.   thank you.,    \

Annabella

Thank you George.

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I just want to send you a hug, Annabella, and reassure you that we are here for you. :wub:

 

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