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I'm so very sorry for your loss, my dear. If and when you feel ready to do so, I hope you'll feel safe enough with us to share more of your story with us. Meanwhile, please know that because you've managed to find your way to this warm and caring place, because you're reaching out for the support you need and deserve, and even though it may not feel like it to you ~ you're already coping with this unspeakable tragedy. For now, let it be enough. We welcome you with open arms and caring hearts, and we will sit with you in your pain.  

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Chellaboosmom,

We are here to walk beside you on this most heartbreaking path you must now walk. There is no easy way to cope. I am so sorry that you have lost your son.

I lost my husband in 2013 and my daughter one year later, both to cancer. His death was "peaceful" and heartbreaking. I had to make the most difficult decision of my life giving permission to remove life support. For as much as I loved my husband, my daughter's death brought me to my knees where I remain. She suffered greatly and like you, those days are forever imprinted on my brain.

I understand some of what you are feeling and can tell you that the pain is not as sharp as it once was, but I don't foresee it ever going away. There are still some days where it just seems like a bad dream, but then I realize that I'll never see either of them again. I cry less often and someday you will also.

I do hope you have a support system at home or nearby. My son has been my rock and my salvation in addition to all of our family here. We are ready to listen whenever you need us.

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I'm so sorry.  So unfair!  I haven't lost a child to death, but in a way I feel like I have lost my daughter...she had a breakdown when she was 18 and was never the same again.  She cut off contact with both sides of the family, doesn't call or respond to calls/texts, no voicemail set up, etc.  She doesn't make good choices for herself.  It's hard because I worry about her but have no influence or input and can't change anything.  It is heartbreaking and torturous.  The difference being if I could but see her I could hold her, and you would surely give anything to be able to do that with your son.  The finality of death itself is so hard to take.  I lost my husband nearly 12 years ago and it's with me each and every day, I miss him and it never goes away.  If I lost my son too I don't think I could handle it...but then that's how we feel with death, the truth is, I'd have no choice.  A man named Darrel on this site always says "One foot in front of the other", that motto has helped me.  Life doesn't ask if we can handle it, it just presents us with what it does.  I have learned to take one day at a time.  The Bible says today has enough trouble of its own, and I think that's probably right.  So I get up, tell myself I can do today, and then tomorrow I get up and do it all over again.  It's not the same as "before", it never will be, but I've learned to look for what joy there is in life, no matter how small, none is too trivial to consider and hold, no matter how fleeting.  At this moment, if there is a sunset I want to view it.  If there is a rainbow I want to behold it!  While my dog lives I want to rub his belly and take him on walks.  While my cat is still with me I want to give her bellyrubs.  When there are deer in the yard, I want to watch.  Or hummingbirds come to feed.  These are the little joys I embrace now.  I've lost the big joy in my life, my George, but these little ones...perhaps he's sent them my way to keep me in his absence.  Or is he absent?  His spirit still exists, I know he can't physically hold me like I once enjoyed, but perhaps he is here looking out for me in a new way.

I pray you find your way through this.  It's a unique journey for all of us, we have some commonalities, but it's unique too.  God be with you, may you find some comfort.

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Chellaboosmom, in another thread you wrote, 

"I dread going to the shops because of Mother s day ads... I am no longer anyone's mom...don't think I will ever see light at end of this long dark tunnel of life"

When I read this just now I thought of you: What Kind of Mother Has No Child 2017  

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Something I've wondered about, it might be too soon for Chellaboosmom to try, I don't know, but what would it be like if we went out and tried to buy a card for ourselves from the one we lost?  We know what they would say to us, how they felt about us...I just wonder if it would help.  Has anyone tried anything like this?

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