The Demon Drink!

[Dr Lenera]

I’ve been wondering for a few days whether to be brave and write and post this…..I guess I was worried I might be judged, and some may think it isn’t appropriate…..but I’m genuinely interested in people’s opinions and whether they are/have been in a similar boat…..and if/how they conquered it.

So, well, drink sure took over the first four weeks or so after my wife died….I rarely drank during the day so at least I can say that with a tiny amount of pride…..but for the first few weeks I needed a bottle of wine to go to sleep with pretty much every night, to try to dim the pain of not having my love beside me in bed. Quite often I’d drink it quite quickly, like over just two hours, just so I would crash out virtually drunk.

After that I told myself that I couldn’t carry on like this, so I decided on a strategy of just drinking on consecutive nights for a month or so….then lessen it further to every three nights. It was easier to do than I expected, though there were times I had a relapse! Eventually it become two bottles a week, one on Tuesday evening [no particular reason except that I tend to have Wednesdays off work], and one on Saturday evening….unless I went out for the whole evening which was and is fairly rare. And I did start to drink them more slowly....actually savouring the taste and making the bottles last longer.

At the time of writing it’s usually a bottle on Saturday night and a bottle on alternating [so not every] Tuesdays. I don’t think that’s too bad really, but I want to try to remove the Tuesday one altogether or just manage with a glass or two. And I want to try to get the Saturday one down to just a couple of glasses….but that’s incredibly hard. I seem to need that Saturday bottle, so I fall asleep nice and tipsy, even almost drunk.

So I’m certainly not an alcoholic and never was….okay I’ve always enjoyed a drink but most of the drinking the last year [oh dear it is almost a year….time flies] is obviously as a result of my wife’s death. I think I’ve done reasonably well considering how bad I was at the beginning…but I want to do better! I don’t know what’s ‘normal’ in these circumstances….I’ve got one friend who says it’s nothing to worry about, but then he drinks a ridiculously large amount anyway. And then I’ve got another friend who thinks I need help….but then he hardly drinks at all!

[MartyT]

My friend, you may find this article helpful, along with the others listed at the base: Mixing Grief with Alcohol: Will It Lead to Addiction?

[kevin]

I've found since the passing of Angela I drink regularly but in moderation...The social aspect and "sports bar" always is a couple of beers, after a round of Golf is always a couple of beers, and Darts/Horse Shoes always has Beers.....Again as long as you keep it in moderation but it is a seductive trap....Years ago I had my episodes but I find as we cross the Senior line we are getting smarter. Dr L, I use 3-4 Beers  a day as my limit.......and  it appears your below that.... 

[Gwenivere]

I have a couple of glasses of wine every night before bed.  Sometimes a little more and sometimes less.  I talked it over with my doc and counselors and none saw a problem beyond it isn't the best way to get good, restorative sleep.  I don't get drunk, but definitely more relaxed.   I have done this long before he died so it isn't anything new for me.  In fact we both had a drink before bed.  what I am careful about is if it acts more as a depressant, tho going with the tears is good.  I used to write down all kinds of thoughts and don't do that much anymore.  I figure if they are that important, I'll remember in the morning.  It sounds like you are trying to escape and I understand that completely.  You may find that a couple if glasses are better. Sleep doesn't seem to be the problem as you sleep on nights without it.  It's a very individual decision, but if you are looking for an opinion, a whole bottle in a short time seems excessive.  Just my opinion which you can toss out.

[kayc]

I don't even think it's possible for us to judge anyone with how they handle grief!  It's so hard to go through, and we all understand the different paths one might choose to make their way through this.  It may not be the wisest decision to drink while grieving because it's a depressant and Lord knows we don't need that, but we sure understand it.  I doubt a glass of wine to relax every hurt anyone unless their liver can't take it, but that said, I hope you find a way to handle your grief that helps you and doesn't hurt you.  (((caring hugs)))

[JHCP]

I too have noticed I started drinking more. It's been just over 2 years. I feel I should reign it in a bit now. Life is good (as good as it could be without Jack).  I would like to stop drinking in the day and also alone. Maybe one alone is fine. I just drink alone a lot these days. Don't feel judged I am sure there are plenty of us that are struggling the same way.

[Dr Lenera]

On 5/6/2017 at 0:47 AM, MartyT said:

My friend, you may find this article helpful, along with the others listed at the base: Mixing Grief with Alcohol: Will It Lead to Addiction?

Thanks very much, I will indeed read.

[Dr Lenera]

On 5/6/2017 at 3:16 AM, kevin said:

I've found since the passing of Angela I drink regularly but in moderation...The social aspect and "sports bar" always is a couple of beers, after a round of Golf is always a couple of beers, and Darts/Horse Shoes always has Beers.....Again as long as you keep it in moderation but it is a seductive trap....Years ago I had my episodes but I find as we cross the Senior line we are getting smarter. Dr L, I use 3-4 Beers  a day as my limit.......and  it appears your below that.... 

That doesn't make me feel so bad.....though your drinking seems to be mainly social drinking which is in a way more 'acceptable'. On the other hand, the few times I do go out and actually [or try to] socialise, I usually drink nothing or just one glass of wine....which is strange I know!

[Dr Lenera]

On 5/6/2017 at 4:50 AM, Gwenivere said:

I have a couple of glasses of wine every night before bed.  Sometimes a little more and sometimes less.  I talked it over with my doc and counselors and none saw a problem beyond it isn't the best way to get good, restorative sleep.  I don't get drunk, but definitely more relaxed.   I have done this long before he died so it isn't anything new for me.  In fact we both had a drink before bed.  what I am careful about is if it acts more as a depressant, tho going with the tears is good.  I used to write down all kinds of thoughts and don't do that much anymore.  I figure if they are that important, I'll remember in the morning.  It sounds like you are trying to escape and I understand that completely.  You may find that a couple if glasses are better. Sleep doesn't seem to be the problem as you sleep on nights without it.  It's a very individual decision, but if you are looking for an opinion, a whole bottle in a short time seems excessive.  Just my opinion which you can toss out.

It is excesssive I agree.....but what you seem to be doing actually seems like a good idea worth me trying to achieve. After all, one glass of red wine [which is what I usually drink] a day is actually supposed to be good for you! So maybe drinking more often but far less amounts is something worth trying to switch to temporarily.

[Dr Lenera]

On 5/6/2017 at 5:57 PM, kayc said:

I don't even think it's possible for us to judge anyone with how they handle grief!  It's so hard to go through, and we all understand the different paths one might choose to make their way through this.  It may not be the wisest decision to drink while grieving because it's a depressant and Lord knows we don't need that, but we sure understand it.  I doubt a glass of wine to relax every hurt anyone unless their liver can't take it, but that said, I hope you find a way to handle your grief that helps you and doesn't hurt you.  (((caring hugs)))

Thanks....well one glass of wine an evening if something to aim for once I've got it down to two glasses!

[Dr Lenera]

11 minutes ago, JHCP said:

I too have noticed I started drinking more. It's been just over 2 years. I feel I should reign it in a bit now. Life is good (as good as it could be without Jack).  I would like to stop drinking in the day and also alone. Maybe one alone is fine. I just drink alone a lot these days. Don't feel judged I am sure there are plenty of us that are struggling the same way.

I've tended to steer clear of drinking during the day for the most part except for sometimes [but not very often] one glass while I'm watching a movie or something....but perhaps one or two glasses during the day and the same in the evening is somewhat better than a whole bottle, or close to it, in the evening as it's spread out more. I don't like the fact that I drink alone either. It is such an easy trap to fall in. One day I'll stop....one day....

[Nightwinds]

Does a little Benadryl a bedtime count. I can't sleep without something. A 1/2 a muscle relaxer or a 1/2 a Valium. 

I have not slept well in years but I loved listening to Brian's breathing as I read a book. It soothed me and I could usually get a few hours of sleep. Now without his breathing and without him to touch me when I have nightmares it's so hard. 

[Gwenivere]

There's a saying.....whatever gets you thru the night.  I've never found it more appropriate than now.

[Cookie]

On ‎05‎/‎07‎/‎2017 at 4:17 PM, Dr Lenera said:

I've tended to steer clear of drinking during the day for the most part except for sometimes [but not very often] one glass while I'm watching a movie or something....but perhaps one or two glasses during the day and the same in the evening is somewhat better than a whole bottle, or close to it, in the evening as it's spread out more. I don't like the fact that I drink alone either. It is such an easy trap to fall in. One day I'll stop....one day....

I definitely drink more now that John is gone.  He always had a beer or glass or two of wine every night and I would occasionally.  Now that he is gone, I have at least a glass of wine every night.  Worried me for a while until my doctor said it's okay.  Definitely helps me relax and sleep, which "they" say isn't good for sleep.  You've got to have some comfort.  None of the other things seem to work!  Cookie

[kevin]

Cookie, I avoid drinking at night, but during the day, a Beer or two while I'm gardening very acceptable...Must always be aware of driving once alcohol/drugs are in your system.....And without our trusted partners to keep us in line, the onus of stewardship lies solely with ourselves...Angela always kept close eye on me...(I do social drink at Darts or Horseshoes Sunday afternoons)

[Margm]

I don't think people in glass houses throw stones.  I use Xanax regularly.  I do not take more than my prescribed dose, and at my age, I doubt I ever will get off it.  If I take 2 a day then it does not work as good.  I have a congenital tremor that is worse after the colon rupture.  When I have to go somewhere I take one.  If I am at home, I try not to.  But, the first few months it was necessary, and I have all kinds of meditation apps on my Kindle.  I cannot drink because of the colon rupture, which is probably a good thing because I would be fixing a Margarita every night

"Healthy, normal mourning is a process of honestly facing the reality of your loss, coming to terms with its impact on your life, learning to access all available resources for recovery, finding meaning in your loss and continuing to live productively in the years that follow. "

I know it has to be done, that is why we are here talking with each other.  I am better.  I know I am.  Bless his heart, I think I still get sorta angry for him leaving so fast.  And, I am selfish, I keep thinking he could handle this so much better than I can.  Will my daughter, granddaughter, sister, and son all having some sickness keep me from "healthy mourning?"  Am I just too damn prone to feel sorry for myself?  I really just want to crawl into myself and hide but no one will let me hide, everybody needs me for something.  I think I am supposed to be thankful for that.  I wonder if I don't grieve my mom because she lived to be 95 and Billy didn't have a chance to get any further than in his early 70s.  And, don't think I do not recognize the irony of my complaining when some mates did not even make it to age 50.  I was gonna make him live into his 80's.  I guess it taught me a lesson.  I am not God, but also I don't feel this is healthy normal mourning.  It is just crappy mourning.  I am mean, and I am a coward but I sure hate to face life without him.  Still, I have done it for 19 months now and in those 19 months me and Ferris Yaris have put some miles on the road.  And honestly, if I could, I would probably drink.  I definitely don't need to throw stones.  

[kayc]

Marg,

Maybe you don't feel the need to mourn your mom, that's okay too.  All of our relationships are different, so will be our mourning.  I cried when my mom died.  Sometimes I miss her.  But my mom was troubled, deeply troubled all her life, and brought trouble to all those around her, so feelings can be mixed.  We've let go of the trouble part with her dementia and death, it seemed to soften what we went through, I guess that's the silver lining.  My mourning her is nothing like my mourning George, which goes on continually, day after day.  Some might think it's unhealthy to still be missing him this long...you don't even want to know what my response might be to them!  Just because time passes, doesn't mean we ever reach a point where we stop missing them!  My mom lived to 92, that's a good age, I don't want to live into my 90s, it seems once you hit 90 it's downhill from there.  But then I know someone at our church that is 93 and she is in great shape and doing well.  She also has kids nearby that interact with her, I don't have that, I think that'd make a difference, as long as they don't bring drama.

For what it's worth, I think your mourning is normal.  I love your spunk and you don't seem the least bit mean to me although I wouldn't want challenged on that.  

[Margm]

I think sometimes it is not a myth, the redhead's temper.  

[Gin]

Kay,

I think it would also be great if one of my kids lived really close by.   i guess it is not the distance, but the frequency of contact.  I will be 78 in July and I would think that they might wonder how things are going.  Probably my fault.  I tell them I am fine.  What a joke!  I do not know what I would do without the tv and the phone.  I am thinking about getting one of those alert buttons.   I know some of my friends think I should have "moved on".  Not quite sure where that is.  These 19 months have been horrible and I really do not see it changing.

[Margm]

Family is wonderful Gin.  You obviously trained your kids right while Billy and I made enablers of ours.  And, when we discussed it, we said we would do the same thing all over again, and I am sure I do it with my granddaughter also.  Years ago there was a TV advertisement (if I remember right) with some woman telling her mother "Please Mother, I would rather do it myself."  My kids struggle, but they struggled when Billy was here too.  We worked 80 years for our retirement and SS and I get a retirement that is bigger than they make doing what they do.  I do not have to rely on them, but they rely too much on me.  Mama taught me never to rely on her and Daddy.  I was independent, or wanted to be independent, before I met Billy.  I wanted no help from my parents, ever, yet my sister depended on it so much that now she is elderly with a huge education, but no retirement.  So, Mama, in letting me know I would get no help from them, did not make me resent my sister, but it made me independent.  I could not do my kids the way my mom did me, and I keep thinking about nature and nature teaching the birds and wild things they have to fend for themselves.  That lesson was taught to me but we never taught it to our kids.  They will learn though and it will be hard on them.  You people that do not hear from your kids so much, you must have trained them right.  

I saw something on Yahoo, or somewhere that it is the law in China, the children are responsible for all the parents over age 60.  Now, wouldn't that be something?  I keep telling my kids at my age they should be taking care of me.  My son tries.  

You and I both, we are at 19 months.  The day is filled with anxiety.  Yes, maybe you need one of the necklaces.  My daughter (thinking her daughter would have to move back in with her), told my granddaughter that Mamol needed to live in assisted living.  I sent word that assisted living would take away the car she drives and the RV.  Nothing else was mentioned.

I realize I am only a fall away from assisted living, but I am not there yet.  I have to take these past 19 months and start moving my body so I can keep moving my body. 

[kayc]

Gin,

I feel for you, I don't hear from my daughter, she just does not respond, and I have a hard time understanding that.  She's the same with everyone in the family.  I don't hear from my son much either and we were very close before he married.  I know he's busy, but...

It's tough feeling so alone just as you're growing old.  That's one of the hardest things I struggle with.  Alone to make decisions, alone every evening (I can't drive at night), alone many holidays, alone to do everything.

I was thinking about you this morning as I know you worry about your son just as I worry about my daughter.  I don't know of any greater torture.

It seems there ought to be a happy medium, somewhere between what we experience and what Marg experiences with her kids.  Maybe kids that call once a week and see you once every couple of months or so?  Ha!

Marg, 

In Oregon there is a law on the books that you can be held financially responsible for your parents in their old age.  2015 revised statutes ORS 109.010  Parents are bound to maintain their children who are poor and unable to work to maintain themselves; and children are bound to maintain their parents in like circumstances.  Apparently it has been used since I last looked it up.

Haha, I love your answer to your daughter!

[Autumn2]

Our four kids all live far away but so far (only five months) they have all been to visit since....two of them, a daughter and son, frequently call or text every day or two, the other two (sons) rarely...in fact the one only on Mother's Day. A year and a half ago I was carrying a microwave down to the basement, missed a step cuz I couldnt see them and fell most of the way down a flight of stairs. I broke my femur...had surgery with a rod and screws and took me a good nine months to get back to pretty close to normal. My hubby thruout all of this was wonderful and took such good care of me even though he had Parkinson's. In many ways we became even closer during this time. I miss him so. Anyway, the reason for this post, i have an Alert Necklace (You can get them alt Walmart and dont have to pay a monthly fee...my hubby was a pharmacist and knew wbout them...dont remember the name of the company). Now, for my other problem/paranoia is when I die and am not found for several days because my two kids who do call frequently have nOt,  I know for a 100 percent fact if you die with pets and several days pass they will (how to delicately put this) make sure they are not going hungry! Need I say more without being too graphic. Before my hubby died we both knew we could not totally depend on anyone but ourselves so investigated what could we do that would at least guarantee a call once a day. We found I Am Fine ($120.00a year. It is a digital call service that calls you once a day at what ever time you decide, you push one that you are okay. If you miss the call, it recalls you three more times at ten minute intervals. Then if still no answer they call whoever you designate...I desigated a daughter and son would would most likely be reached. So far the service has been 100 percent. The ratings are excellent. And btw you can pause it if on vacation, etc. Also, btw, I have no financial interest in either company mentioned. Both have allowed me the independence I need at this time. Hope it may help some of us older spring chickens or those with disabilities who dont have really close family or friends checking on them daily.

[MartyT]

A wonderful suggestion, Autumn2, and I thank you for sharing it! For further information, see Iamfine - An automated service for those who live alone.

[kayc]

Autumn and Marty, thank you both for sharing those.  My sister and I stay in touch daily except when she goes to the casino, as that is one of my concerns.  I don't really care when they find my body and Kitty would be fine for a few days as I keep two full food dishes and plenty of water for her, but it's my dog Arlie I worry about.  He has special dietary needs and I worry about someone not attending to him properly and in time.  I just can't die while he's alive!

[Margm]

Oh how this reminds me of the story I have told so many times.  And, it also makes me aware that I am blessed and cursed, but probably more blessed.  I don't know when it was now (time is totally irrelevant until that 17th day of the month rolls around), but, it was the time I was able to finish Billy's C.J. Box book that he did not get to finish.  Ear buds will block out all sound, so it is probably not good to go to sleep with them in your ears.  I had put the book down and was probably trying to be talked into a sleep realm by the app on the Kindle.  It was around 2:00 a.m.  My family could not get me to answer the cell phone by my head or the home phone in the other room, or the doorbell, or knocks.  For once in my life, I was by myself.  I somehow caught the doorbell just as they were going to break down my door.  Two grown children and a sister in another state were frantic.  I for once was blissfully sleeping.  In front of my house were three police cars and an ambulance, lights flashing.  My first thought was "oh no, the neighbors are going to think I am running a meth lab."  I do not sleep with ear buds anymore, but I do have someone with me at all times.  The sheriff's department will do "well checks" if your relatives/friends cannot get in touch with you.