Birthday and other problems I've been facing

[Nightwinds]

I made it through the anniversary and came to absolute pieces that night. I thought that was as bad as it was going to get. 

Its been 6 weeks  

today is Brian's 50th birthday  I so wanted to pick at him and think how amazing it is that he made it to 50.

The old saying if it can go wrong it will has been so true for me these last 6 weeks. 

The roof had problems, the house has slid of the piers, dealing with bats in the house, and several other big problems. 

Well I sold our truck today to pay for the roof. I am applying for disabled housing in government housing. The thought of not having the house and the yard is so painful. 

I thought I was doing so much better. No sobbing (which I have never really done before losing Brian). The tears don't fall as often the last two weeks. I tear up but am able to choke it back. I guess today I'm making up for it. 

[Gin]

Sorry things are so hard for you now.  You are so new on this grief road and for sure it is a hard road.

[kayc]

It's okay to cry, you have plenty to cry over.  Gosh, the loss of him, your truck, your home, all at once?!  That's a lot!

I hope something good starts to happen.  We can all use something good!

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hugs and prayers for you.

[KATPILOT]

Nightwinds while these special days may bring sadness I hope you find some peace and joy in Brian's birthday. It will always be his day. What you are going through with everything speaks to your strength and courage. Hang in there for things won't always be this hard.

Yes Kay. We can all use something good. Lord knows we deserve it.

[Nightwinds]

I'm just so dang tired. The hits just keep coming. I knew peace for 21 years every time I looked at Brian and I haven't felt lonely in so long. 

I knew it would be hard without him but it's so much worse than I could ever have imagined.  Love sing my sister, mom, and grandmothers. I thought it would be a similar pain. It's not.  I don't understand how the pain in my chest doesn't kill me. It hurts so bad. I never realized I would have actually physical chest pain like this. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Nightwinds this is the most difficult thing I have experienced in my life.  I knew that losing someone I loved would be painful but I had no idea of the depth of the emotional and physical pain of losing my husband.  It's been 16 months for me and while not all days are filled with the torture, I wonder too how a body can keep going when it feels like it's exploding and imploding at the same time.

I will pray for some comfort for you and offer you a virtual hug.  I really miss the hugs ?

[Gwenivere]

I had no idea how grief would impact me mentally, but also how it has physically it compromised me.  I've never felt so 'un me' in my life.  In the past couple of years my body feels it has aged at least a decade.  It's a double whammy to have to deal with both with the most limited of energy and motivation.  i only seek out medical help now if it is an emergency.  Nothing proactive.  I'm paying for that too but I don't care.  It's all so overwhelming.  I had to have a wry laugh when I was thinking while out doing errands I phrased it a BIT overwhelming.  Talk about an understatement.  

[Maynard]

I know what you mean.  I never could have imagined there would be physical pain either.  I guess that's what happens when part of our souls is ripped from us. Others can never understand it.  Like you say, the pain when you lose other people you love is nothing like losing your husband (or wife, either I suppose).  And there aren't any words that will help stop the pain.  At least not for me.  It's good to have this group to come to and be able to express it with others who know from personal experience what it is.  It's good to know we aren't completely alone, although the stark loneliness that no amount of human contact can stop - is often what gets me started crying from 'the deep' that way.  I was never a crier either - or certainly not a sobber. Losing Cody has surpassed anything and everything that I ever knew about myself or life in general.  My latest phase is just numb.  Maybe God has given me a reprieve to rest awhile.  I'm sure it will pass.  From what I hear, the tears will come back, so I'm trying to just flow with it for now.

Nightwinds, I'm so sorry you are having so many difficulties to face right now.  I've had some lately myself and I know how terribly hard it is to have things happen you have to make decisions and choices about when you are in no condition to do either.  They say not to make any major changes or decisions for awhile, but when things happen, especially with your home - you have to do something and it's almost impossible to know what to do and very painful to think of just about any action you could take.  There are some pretty big problems with our home too, but I'm not leaving - at least not yet - I can't bear the thought of it.  You are in my Prayers.  

[DaveM]

Even when it was our particular decision to make, it was good to have the "go ahead," or the "maybe we should wait awhile," from our partner. They were our steady rock to hold us in place. The hard choices were made together. We planned. How do you make plans when you.  Just. Can't.  Most of us seem to just be drifting right now.

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Nightwinds said:

I'm just so dang tired. The hits just keep coming. I knew peace for 21 years every time I looked at Brian and I haven't felt lonely in so long. 

I knew it would be hard without him but it's so much worse than I could ever have imagined.  Love sing my sister, mom, and grandmothers. I thought it would be a similar pain. It's not.  I don't understand how the pain in my chest doesn't kill me. It hurts so bad. I never realized I would have actually physical chest pain like this. 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/03/physical-reactions-to-loss.html
 

Grief can affect us on so many levels!

[kevin]

29 minutes ago, kayc said:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/03/physical-reactions-to-loss.html
 

Grief can affect us on so many levels!

Great summary, the levels I look at are Purpose, Sharing, Caring, Punctuality,  Health, and overall  future Expectations........I tend to let some things slide now, which may be good, but Grief is changing me.....

[Margm]

On 5/12/2017 at 5:21 PM, Nightwinds said:

I knew it would be hard without him but it's so much worse than I could ever have imagined.

I have tried every remedy, the meditation and finally the Xanax.  I tried screaming into pillows (made my head hurt terribly), I tried crying till I ran out of breath and I thought it so peaceful to just not breathe anymore, this did not hurt physically and seemed so easy.  I had his 50 morphine pills and my plans were to go into the deep woods and then walk to where only hunters could find me.  I liked that plan.  It did not make me sad until I started thinking about religion.  What if I could not be with him.  We think so many things afterwards.  Then I remember Billy saying when I was so sick "the one left must stay."  I thought that very selfish of him at the time since I felt I was the one dying.  I ordered him not to give up.  It was too late.  Three days later I found this forum and while it did not make my grief any less, it showed me other people suffering and still living.  And me, the coward, I wanted to leave.

I feel so wrong welcoming you to this forum, but it did save my life.  Sometimes that does not feel so wonderful, but there are many who depend on me that I would have been letting down.  "The one left must stay."  Might not have been the exact words, but the meaning was the same.  I have to stay  until I cannot, just like Billy.

[Nightwinds]

On 5/21/2017 at 10:49 AM, Marg M said:

I started thinking about religion.   

This is the only thing that has stopped me from taking my life. I can't take the chance I wouldn't have him in the afterlife. I think about things like....  if I don't eat is that suicide?  Or if I stop my meds and insulin is that suicide. 

I have decided it is. It's intention. If the reason you do something to harm yourself and the end results are your death it is suicide in my opinion. 

I feel like I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up. I wish I had been able to hold him as he passed but he was in an ambulance heading to a larger hospital. 

We always had a weird connection. When I left the hospital and I watched them load him into the ambulance I didn't think I would ever see him alive again but I prayed so hard. 

As I was running around the house packing I got this terrible chest pain. I hit my knees and I had a need to call Brian. 

Still on my knees I called his phone and he answered "Hey Babe."  I heard the phone hit the floor and the EMT start saying he threw up and he was coding. I screamed into the phone. 

After 10 minutes I hung up the phone and called the hospital. It was so hard to hang up the phone  

The hospital told me he was being brought back and had lost consciousness. That I needed to come back to the hospital. I beat the ambulance by about 30 minutes. I have worked in the hospital long enough to know what loss of consciousness and bringing him back means.  

When they brought him into the ER he was looking at me. He didn't have a blander over him. I am having nightmares about his dead eyes. They closed his eyes but the dead eyes were so wrong. Brian had so much personality that showed in his eyes. It was all gone. 

Im having some days that aren't as bad but then I have days like yesterday where I had a full blown anxiety attack that lasted 5 hours. I am sore from the bawling. The harder I tried to stop the worse it got. My son walked by me seeing I was in a full blown anxiety meltdown and walked out of the house. 

[Margm]

I have had to fight mightily the guilt of not holding him.  I did not know he would die.  I had told him he was not going to.  I ordered him not to.  I lay my head on his bed, I slept almost two hours.  The nurse checked on him about 7:00 a.m. and at 7:30 a.m. he had the death mask, eyes open.  I could have been holding him.  I should have been holding him.  Oh, I have said that so much, I have written that so much and none of it does any good.  I didn't.  As I said also, he was so vain he could not stand me thinking of this.  So, when it comes to my mind I say "no, no, no, no" over and over until it goes away.  It seemed so peaceful when I cried till there was no breath to just let go and not breathe.

It has been 19 months now for me.  My son calls and for one tiny instance, it sounds like Billy.  I hear a noise anywhere in the apartment and the first thought is Billy, it never ends.  I know he is gone, but he will never be gone.  He is just not here.  Last night I dreamed of him and even in my dream I told myself it was not real.

I have said this so much I actually get sick of myself.  But, we have to live with ourselves.  It hit my kids very hard, they are not kids, of course, but middle aged adults, but to parents they are always our kids.  I wish you and others just some moments of peace.  

[kayc]

7 hours ago, Nightwinds said:

I think about things like....  if I don't eat is that suicide?  Or if I stop my meds and insulin is that suicide. 

It's what I've heard termed as "passive suicide".  It's not putting a gun to your head, but it still results in death, the death of not caring, not taking care of yourself with the hope of dying.  We just talked about this in our grief support group last month.  There seems to be a fine line between the listlessness we feel after loss, the not caring, and purposeful decline.  It's so important to take care of ourselves, all the more so when we least feel like it.

I'm sorry your son left instead of attending to you.  Anxiety attacks are not fun, sometimes they can require medical attention.  I hope you've talked with him about it since.  He may need educating as to what an anxiety attack involves.

Nightwinds, I can't recall if you've said whether you're getting grief counseling, but I hope you are.  It's common for those last moments to haunt us, but you may have some PTSS/PTSD, it'd be good to bring this up to your counselor.

[Nightwinds]

No Kayc I have not talked to a grief counselor.

Most of the time I'm ok when around people. They all say how well I'm handling things and how they thought I would be much more devastated. I have hid physical pain since I was 7 years old when I broke my back. Hiding the mental anguish from losing Brian is very similar. Brian took such good care of me it was worth the pain that I live with day and night. I'm trying to survive one day at a time. I can't look forward farther than the next day right now or my anxiety kicks in and I try to keep that under control. I hate the medication I need when I am in a full blown anxiety attack.  People don't understand how anxiety attacks can affect your life  

I discovered even making a doctors appointment for 1 month in the future was a trigger. I will talk to my doctor about things and see if there is a grief counselor in the area. 

I have talked very little to my family and friends about how I am doing. I am afraid to let them know how hard I am struggling. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

@Nightwinds I feel for you.  I see some of my own issues in your post.  I pray we both can move forward with less distress.  Hugs ?

[Margm]

2 minutes ago, Nightwinds said:

I have talked very little to my family and friends about how I am doing. I am afraid to let them know how hard I am struggling.

Actually Nightwinds, they cannot help us.  Our family fight their own battles of loss.  I won't go into that further, I already have, ad nauseam.  

I may never have been "on my own" before, and yes, I have had full blown anxiety attacks and if I do, I am allowed two Xanax a day.  Have taken more, but only when I had to.  They get to where they really don't work if you take them too much.  You seem to "need more," or at least I do.  I do not mind using them as a crutch.  At my age, a crutch sometimes might be needed. No apology.  I honestly would drink, if I could.  I cannot.  That would be suicide, and we have skirted that issue.  But I have responsibilities whether Billy is gone or not.  I cannot take antidepressants, however, in reality, this is not depression, this is grief.  

I am going to put a link in my "hell" posts that I read on Yahoo this morning.  Might get a laugh out of it, or at least a shaking of the head.  Anyhow, we do what we can, when we can, however, we can.  I see you live in AR.  That is where Billy passed away at St. Vincent.  I find the memories in going back very prickly and my daughter and son moved back.  I cannot do it yet.  Not sure I ever will, even though Billy loved it and it is the most beautiful state to live in.  

[Gwenivere]

11 hours ago, Nightwinds said:

 I'm trying to survive one day at a time. I can't look forward farther than the next day right now or my anxiety kicks in and I try to keep that under control. I hate the medication I need when I am in a full blown anxiety attack.  People don't understand how anxiety attacks can affect your life  

Nightwinds, I have panic disorder and have for 30 years.  I know how they turn your life upside down with irrational fear and the frustration you know what it happening but cannot stop it.  I have a love/hate relationship with my meds.  Without them I would have checked out a long time ago because no one can live in that.  My doctor considers panic attacks life threatening for what they do to you mentally.  I hate I need them or more precisely the disorder.  I remember when I was free as anxiety shackles us to it's whims.  I once read an article called Prisoners of Panic and it was spot on.  The extra hard part is like the grief.  Most if not all people do not understand it.   They understand being nervous about obvious things, but not terror with no reason.  I'm so sorry you suffer from these insidious things.  Guessing mine is genetic as my grandmother committed suicide, no help in the 1920's, my mom only had Valium which is not very effective and used as as needed basis thus making it worse because she waited til they happened to take them.  I have a schedule to take all day, needed or not to prevent them.  Know there is another person that understands.  Marg does too.  Hugs.  ?

[Nightwinds]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

my mom only had Valium which is not very effective and used as as needed basis thus making it worse because she waited til they happened to take them. 

That is what I use and the same way I use it. I am in a full blown anxiety/panic attack before I will take the Valium. I hate taking medication and I will not drive when I have taken one until after I have slept. I only take about 2.5 to 5 mg.  I needed it often right after losing Brian.  I'm not saying I am doing ok but I am not praying to die so I can be with Brian very often.  I miss him so much!

No one but Brian could tell when I had taken valium or muscle relaxers.  I don't mix the muscle relaxers and Valium.  

After brian was hit by lightening I had to take the Valium pretty regularly. Almost daily. I still need it when a heavy storm comes up.  It's been 10 months since the lightening strike and it still haunts me as though it was yesterday.  Brian was walking our puppy (the puppy was ok and I gave him away the day Brian died since I couldn't take care of him).  We had a pop up storm.  Just so happened he was walking by a tree when the tree got hit. The lightening jumped from the tree to him hitting him in the chest and exiting his body through his side and in several spots on his legs.  When I found him he needed rescue breathing and he was smoking out of his chest and legs.  He was unable to move and if he was laid flat he stopped breathing. He was only able to say 2 words in a slurred mumble.  He said Tricia and Ambulance. 

The ambulance was an hour away so I had to load him in my mini van and take him to the hospital.

I truly believe the lightening strike is what killed him even though it took 8 months.  He was finally getting around so much better and the nerve pain was getting better.  I was actually started to be hopeful.  His cardiac surgeon said he was stable l.  I understand with his genetic condition (Marfans) that he was living on borrowed time.  His favorite joke was "I'm a walking dead man."  He stopped saying it around me very often when he realized it upset me  

 

[Margm]

After all the radiation for cancer and the ruptured colon with sepsis, I call myself a ticking time bomb.  My insides won't hold a stitch, so I cannot be fixed if anything else happens.  I am familiar with Marfan's.  They conducted a study on it right across from our office in the medical school I worked for so many years.  And lightening.  We certainly have a varied lifestyle of all of us on this forum.  That makes it easier to talk to everyone, we all have loss, and we have it so many ways, but however it happens, we all suffer from grief at its worse.  No matter how the loss happened, we are missing that part of our life that made us complete.  I feel sometimes I am flopping with half a body, one arm, one leg, part of a heart, and Billy took most of the brain with him.  What I have left of my heart is with each of you. 

[kayc]

I tried Valium but it didn't help my anxiety and it made me too sleepy to function, I couldn't drive on it.  I went to Buspar/Buspirone and will undoubtedly be on it for life.  I find it helps me, I haven't had an anxiety attack in quite a while. 

I would let your family/friends know of your struggles, they may not need to know the extent of it, but neither should they think everything is A-okay.  You have to have someone to let your mask off to.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Please do look after yourself.  Kay is right about the mask.  ?

[TomPB]

Nightwinds, the MOST helpful thing I do is sharing with family and friends, esp those who are grieving too, and I have a few. I cry a lot and they do too. Much as it seems impossible, this nightmare wd be worse without it.

I tell them you can say anything to me EXCEPT "You're doing so well". I hate that. As if not being on the couch means I'm OK. I know they mean well.

Our anniversary is 6/27 and I'll be in the condo Susan and I rented in Ptown. A sister is staying with me instead. I'm close to a sister-in-law and her terminally ill husband, who rented a nearby place to be there with us. I share with them a lot. So I hope I'll have enough support to handle it. I hope I can enjoy Ptown instead of just thinking about my other half missing. We have gone there before to celebrate Then Susan's birthday 7/18 will be hard.