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I'm having a struggle. I am noticing how agitated I become when it seems I must defend my actions.  The anxiety feels like an elephant crushing my chest and I just can not settle myself down.  I don't want to use meds or alcohol to numb myself but I'm seriously hurting mentally and physically.

I have been on antidepressant and antianxiety medications for nearly 30 years.  My husband was my support; he was so very patient with me.  He saved me from obsessing on suicide more times than I can count.  I am devastated that at the time he was suffering I didn't see his depression and any possibility of his suicide. Hindsight is 20-20 they say.  It's true.  I can not change the past, I wish I had the chance.  Anyway, I'm having a major problem with my depression and I don't have anyone I can talk to.  Small communities aren't the best for good support.

Only the people who have suffered the loss of a spouse have any idea of what it's like.  I'm really alone in my depression and grief.  I don't plan to harm myself or end my life but I sure don't know how to get some relief.  Facebook was becoming a problem in that there were a lot of insensitive posts and comments, not to mention hurtful questions.  I decided to unfriend those people who I felt uncomfortable being connected to.  It was good because I was having less anxiety wondering what I was going to read/see next.  Then I got a message from my husband's eldest sister and it has started me on a boil again.  Should I have to justify my actions?  Do I need to remind her that I'm living an existence that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

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Marita,

I'm so sorry you're struggling alone..I know what that's like.  No matter how many times we "get out" (I do nearly every day), we're still "alone" when we come home, alone facing decisions, alone going through life.  We feel it.  

I'm sorry you're experiencing depression...have you told your doctor that your antidepressant isn't doing it for you?  Maybe your body has gotten so used to it that it needs a change?  I don't know, I'm not on antidepressants, maybe I should be.  I was on them when I was married to my kids' dad, but when George and I were married I was able to go off of them, I was so happy with him.  With me I think it's more circumstances than brain chemistry.  

I'm very sorry people are putting you on the defensive.  You shouldn't have to justify your actions to anyone.  I'm glad you're deciding to cut off people that upset you, nobody needs to deal with that!   Yes, I guess I would remind her that you're living an existence you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.  You wouldn't think you'd have to point it out, but apparently with some people we must. 

I'm sure my family thinks I'm okay after so long...are we ever really okay though?  It's a gaping hole that I live with each and every day. My sisters, while they have problems, still have their husbands to go through life with and help them...they can't possibly know what it's like to lose the one they love and count on.

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