Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Recommended Posts

11 hours ago, mittam99 said:

I decided to make some slow cooker bbq'd pulled chicken. Something I've never done. I'm not really a slow cooker guy but I figured, what the heck. Tammy loved the slow cooker. Well, after six hours it turned out ridiculously good. Made some slaw too. So there I was munching on this juicy, succulent, sweet and tangy chicken sandwich and  ooh-ing and ahh-ing at the flavor. This was one of the tastiest sandwiches I've ever had. Then it hit me... hard. In mid orgasmic bite, the tears started to well up. All I could think about was how Tammy would love this.

Odd that you should say this.  I had never heard of barbecue pulled chicken, but I had some chicken breasts and decided to make it, I thought I invented it, actually.  It was so amazingly good!  I too felt the same way, wishing so much that George could taste it, wishing I would have made it while he was alive to enjoy it.  It's weird how grief affects even the smallest of things we go through in a big way.  :(

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Someone once told me that my memories will sustain me.  Memories are wonderful, but they cannot hold us.  I told my granddaughter last night that sometimes I miss her grandfather very much.  She replied, quite naturally, "well I hope you do."  The whole family seems adrift without our rudder, and I'm not a good rudder.  I'm sorry for all of our losses. 

hugs.jpg

  • Like 6
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, Marg M said:

Someone once told me that my memories will sustain me.  Memories are wonderful, but they cannot hold us.  

I get so tired of being told that memories are enough, well, the best we have, to live in this emptiness.  They come all the time and yet the happiness I see reminds me of what is now lost to me, forever.   What propelled me forward was each day adding more sharing with my partner and friend.  There's a hole in me now that will never be filled.  I'm emotionally starving.   I'm growing older physically with the litations that come with that.  I thought we would be together to face these challenges.  30 years ago we couldn't fathom being in our 60's.  Just to share our shorter road together is all we wanted.  We worked hard to get here to share in helping each other.  I'm so tired without him.  I'm so cold without him.

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I haven't found a way yet, atom, at 3 years.   Maybe I am just odd.  Others here do feeel some lessening and will hopefully share that.  I'm not adapting to longer periods without Steve.  But that is me and I also have no support system like family or close friends. I'm on my own, literally.

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

But that is me and I also have no support system like family or close friends. I'm on my own, literally.

Gwen, I cannot tell you how or what I would do without my support system.  I am so sorry.  I should not say this, because I never want it to happen, but sometimes I very selfishly would like a day to myself without worry about my family's problems, monetary, mental and physical.  I'm not rich.  We all share though.  Billy and I planned our retirement, I helped, we worked 80 years for it, and it is comfortable for one person, or even two, but not for five.  See how selfish I am.  And, I know it would help you to have them to worry about so you would not be so lonesome.  I repeat what Rose Kennedy said all the time, about the wounds never heal, but you build up scar tissue over the wound, this wound in our heart, our brain, to protect our sanity.  She knew, and she had a support system.  Without mine, I could build up no scar tissue at all and I would be a bare wound for my earth eternity.  My little grandmother was a bare wound, she had no support system, her family disregarded her, she was not needed anymore.  But, she made it close to 30 years without her husband.  And at 18 years it hurt like it was yesterday.  But, she had a tiny grocery store to go to each day and if some far-off neighbor needed gas, they would come to her house after dark.  So she had things to keep her mind off her loss a lot of  the time.  

We are a dysfunctional family.  I love them though and I will always be here for them until I'm not.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@Gwenivere I understand what you describe.  Other than my son I have no real support system.  I yearn for a place where I can belong.  Being a suicide survivor puts me in a whole different category when it comes to being accepted nevermind being understood.  

Most of my brain energies are spent making sure that my son's emotional needs are supported.  After that and looking after the house, property, horse and small businesses there is nothing left for me.  I describe my life as putting in time, existing until I am not alive.  

Sorry for saying this on your thread @mittam99 

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This would have been our 17th wedding anniversary.  I planned to look at photo albums and remember the absolutely great times we shared.  However, plans do not always work out.  I did, however, look at our wedding album.  Instead of bringing me joy, I was very sad.  He looked so good and healthy.  Things change.  Only one friend even remembered the day.  Only means something to me!

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The memories do sustain me in as much as they are capable...but Marg is right, memories don't hold you.  Like the little boy that cried, "I want God with skin on", that's how I feel about George, I want him with skin on.  When he held me it was the best place in all the world to be.  I haven't felt that feeling of his encompassing me with his safety, love, and protection, since before he died.  Oh God how I miss him!

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A year ago today I was just finishing up a morning chore I assigned myself before an Uber driver was to pick me up and take me to the airport in College Station, TX, to fly back to NC. Dana had not been sleeping well for some time, and would drift off during the day for a few minutes. Since it was my last day in Texas, she had coffee with me that morning, wanting to be awake for the last few hours we had. Didn't work, she dozed on the sofa between 10 and 11, but I didn't wake her. She always had insomnia issues, but things had been worse for several weeks. Could not stay asleep for more than an hour or so for several weeks. I had been there for 8 days for her birthday, and did as many repairs as I could get to.

When the driver arrived an hour early, we were both upset, but I had to take that ride, because there were no local Uber drivers in Navasota. The girl had driven down from College Station, and had over-estimated the time it would take to get to me.  I was disappointed but didn't overly fret about it at the time, and of course didn't know then that this would be my last time to ever see Dana.

We had both acknowledged that we would not be together for Thanksgiving and Christmas, as I was working my way toward moving to Texas after the first of the year. She was saddened because this would be her first Christmas away from her sons. They were both in college in New England, and were not able to make a trip to Texas. Between her ongoing health issues and nowhere to stay up there other than a hotel, she was not going there, either. But she was quite stoic, the only child of two only children. Always stood on her own, because that's the ways she was raised, by a mother and father who were raised the same way. I fretted about her being alone for the holidays, but she insisted she would be miserable but fine. Thanksgiving came and went and we got by. As Christmas approached, she indicated she needed to get through this on her own. Did not want a lot of missing and fussiness over the phone, so said she wanted to get through it on her own. I wanted to talk every day, but she insisted on weathering it on her own. Asked me to let her call when she wanted to talk. We last spoke on the night of Friday, December 16. Her laptop had been fried when her dog knocked over a bottle of Ensure into it, so I got her one and shipped it Monday the 19th. Texted her it was on the way on the 19th but got no reply (she did not care for texting much, so I was not surprised or alarmed). I received acknowledgement that it had been delivered on the 21st, so texted her again. Still no response, but I was not alarmed.

We had gone through a similar spell of no communication when her youngest's birthday came around in September and she couldn't see him then, so although I wanted to talk, I respected her wishes. Christmas came and went. I texted a couple more times, but again, no response. On December 28 her best friend in Texas texted me that she had died. Another friend there had gone by her house and got no response for a couple of days, and finally asked the police to do a health check. Mail was piling up, and some packages had been on her porch for several days. Including the laptop I had sent. The police found her on the floor, and she had been gone for days. Last completed call on her phone was ours from the 16th. That is the only reason I got any information from the police down there, as being "only the boyfriend," I was not next-of-kin, or a responsible person. Her best friend was her emergency contact. But since ours was the last known contact she had with anyone, a police investigator called me. Although he really didn't have to give me any information, he was very kind, and gave me as much as he could. I have been broken since. I should have not been conservative about extra traveling around the holiday, and should have been there. She might still have died, because she had ongoing medical issues, but she wouldn't have been alone. And wouldn't have laid there for 10 days. I still can't get past that. 

So this week has been hell for me. I took Wednesday off, as that was her birthday, but I've essentially been a wreck the whole week.

Thanks to all of you for a place to come when things like this come up. No one else understands except those who have lost THE ONE PERSON in their life that mattered most of all.

Dave

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, DaveM said:

Thanks to all of you for a place to come when things like this come up.

Dave, I took this to the "going through hell" site.  I'm no expert on loss, no philosopher on feelings, just a simple minded woman who has gone through this stuff with the rest of the people, but I cannot write two lines.  I have to write a book.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dave,

Your story is heart-wrenching.  But it's similar to mine.  We were married, always together except when we were working.  So why oh why did we have to be apart that weekend?!  I went to my Sisters Reunion, 4 1/2 hours away from home.  He suffered a heart attack right after I left and drove himself to the doctor, who sent him by ambulance to the hospital, another hour away.  He told the doctor not to call me, he "didn't want to ruin my weekend".  (I had been working day and night at work the few weeks prior to this due to a hard drive failure at work and had to re-input all of the data for the year as the "backups" failed.)  I didn't find out until that night and had no way to get to the hospital as my sister didn't want to take me.  I got there two days later when I could finally wrench her away, but we never got time alone together.  They moved him and when they let me back in he was having another heart attack.  They threw me off the ward and locked the door behind me.  The next time I saw them...I knew he was dead.

Our minds are filled with regrets, what-ifs, wishing so hard for a do-over!  No options available. 

I have no regrets though about how we lived and loved in our relationship.  I loved him to the fullest, he loved me to the fullest, we treated each other as the most important person in our lives, which we were.  There's no doubt in my mind or in his that we were first to each other.  He knows, even now, that I love him with all my heart, even as I know he loves me.  Death could not change that.  We'll be together again and that keeps me going, helps me accept this time in between, knowing full well that this is a blink in time in the face of eternity.  I post a scripture a day on FB, and today mine was "He will swallow death forever and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces. Isaiah 25:8" That means we won't have to say goodbye again!

In reading about your relationship with Dana, you have nothing to do over either.  You were a wonderful boyfriend to her and there's no doubt in my mind you'd have been a wonderful husband to her had you had the time to get there.  To fly over there and make repairs, to send her a laptop, to try calling/texting...trust me, BFs like that are pretty much an endangered species.  Dana was lucky to have you in her life, and I imagine you feel just as lucky to have had her in yours.

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

Going through some rough days recently. This was the time of year back in 2014 that Tammy's health took a turn for the worse that last time. The cold and extreme winds we're having feels eerily similar to the weather back then. And yesterday wasn't just Christmas Eve... it was our wedding anniversary.

I'm trying to maintain some positivity and hopefulness but it's eluding me right now. The world just feels cold, lonely and empty.

 

  • Like 5
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mitch,. Sorry you are having such a rough time.  It is really cold in Chicago, too.  I am in physical therapy now for sciatica, and had a hard time sweeping the snow off the steps.  That is so minor compared to our deep longing for our loved ones.  We do not have much choice but to plod on the best we can.  We care, Mitch.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mitch,

The coldness you're feeling isn't just the weather, it's the lack of Tammy in your life.  I'm sorry, I never know what to say, "Happy Anniversary" doesn't cut it, but nothing sounds appropriate given that we're missing the one we love.  I'm sorry it's so hard.

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Mitch:  My heart goes out to you.  Triggers are so powerful.  I have them all the time still and you don't usually see them coming.  You also had a double whammy with it being your anniversary.  It hurts....hugs, Cookie

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On ‎11‎/‎13‎/‎2017 at 6:45 AM, kayc said:

Dave,

Your story is heart-wrenching.  But it's similar to mine.  We were married, always together except when we were working.  So why oh why did we have to be apart that weekend?!  I went to my Sisters Reunion, 4 1/2 hours away from home.  He suffered a heart attack right after I left and drove himself to the doctor, who sent him by ambulance to the hospital, another hour away.  He told the doctor not to call me, he "didn't want to ruin my weekend".  (I had been working day and night at work the few weeks prior to this due to a hard drive failure at work and had to re-input all of the data for the year as the "backups" failed.)  I didn't find out until that night and had no way to get to the hospital as my sister didn't want to take me.  I got there two days later when I could finally wrench her away, but we never got time alone together.  They moved him and when they let me back in he was having another heart attack.  They threw me off the ward and locked the door behind me.  The next time I saw them...I knew he was dead.

Our minds are filled with regrets, what-ifs, wishing so hard for a do-over!  No options available. 

I have no regrets though about how we lived and loved in our relationship.  I loved him to the fullest, he loved me to the fullest, we treated each other as the most important person in our lives, which we were.  There's no doubt in my mind or in his that we were first to each other.  He knows, even now, that I love him with all my heart, even as I know he loves me.  Death could not change that.  We'll be together again and that keeps me going, helps me accept this time in between, knowing full well that this is a blink in time in the face of eternity.  I post a scripture a day on FB, and today mine was "He will swallow death forever and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces. Isaiah 25:8" That means we won't have to say goodbye again!

In reading about your relationship with Dana, you have nothing to do over either.  You were a wonderful boyfriend to her and there's no doubt in my mind you'd have been a wonderful husband to her had you had the time to get there.  To fly over there and make repairs, to send her a laptop, to try calling/texting...trust me, BFs like that are pretty much an endangered species.  Dana was lucky to have you in her life, and I imagine you feel just as lucky to have had her in yours.

Kayc:  I loved your post.  You are always so uplifting in your responses, and although it wasn't directed at me personally, I took a lot away from it.  You are right, we have to remember the love that was there....I, too, have regrets and can stuck in them, but I also know that we had a love that was so deep and complete and we both lived it.  Cookie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On ‎11‎/‎11‎/‎2017 at 10:10 AM, Marg M said:

Someone once told me that my memories will sustain me.  Memories are wonderful, but they cannot hold us.  I told my granddaughter last night that sometimes I miss her grandfather very much.  She replied, quite naturally, "well I hope you do."  The whole family seems adrift without our rudder, and I'm not a good rudder.  I'm sorry for all of our losses. 

hugs.jpg

It's true, Marg, memories can't sustain us and for me sometimes they hurt, especially the wonderful ones....I definitely feel like I'm running on empty a lot and rudder-less, but I get up every day and find ways to keep going.....hugs to you too, Cookie

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Me too Cookie.  I get angry sometimes, and know it is not Billy's fault, but I have so many hands out needing money.  Then, I think, well,, I have everything I need and I could not live knowing they were being sued or doing  without.  They hate to ask, but with me if I know there is a need I have got to help.  I can remember my little Mama sitting on the couch stunned because she did not have enough money to pay her house insurance.  My mama had never in all her life been late with a bill.....never..., the check was made out as soon as she got the bill and sent off the next day.  And, I am wondering, I know I could have afforded it, how could I have let my Mama worry like that?  I should have taken that bill and paid it.  She would have fussed, but I know I could have done it.  Instead, I let her worry.  What kind of daughter does that?  It did not even enter my mind to go pay it.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 1/8/2018 at 10:25 AM, scba said:

Sorry Mitch, we are here for you. It is hard to find postivity sometimes, whatever place your are now it is enough. One day at a time. 

 

4 hours ago, Cookie said:

Mitch:  My heart goes out to you.  Triggers are so powerful.  I have them all the time still and you don't usually see them coming.  You also had a double whammy with it being your anniversary.  It hurts....hugs, Cookie

Thank you both. Winter time is a struggle for me. Tammy was so sick that last winter and it brings back so much pain and anguish now. It feels so cold both emotionally and literally. Tammy's not here to snuggle up to and her empty side of the bed reinforces what I once had. The love of my life is gone.

Life seems to go in 24 hour cycles. If I have a bad day, I do try my best to make the next one better. I am trying to find some meaning and purpose.  Yet ultimately, it's still an unpleasant, uncomfortable Groundhog Day kind of life, devoid of love.

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...