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louie

How Can I help My Girlfriend who have just lost her mother

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Hi I'm New on this group. I want to ask if there is anything I can do to help with My Girlfriend. She currently lost her mother 3 days ago. Right now She went home to her hometown and I'm stuck here in the city. We now don't have any much contact since then. I tried to contact her to offer any help I could give, I tried to prepare her things for her trip. And tried to comfort her by helping any way I can. But she keeps on rejecting any of my help. She just told me to give her space and told me to focus on my work. Right now I'm too Worried for her safety and also on her emotions.I can't work properly and I can't stop thinking if she is safe. I'm afraid I might lose her. I'm afraid she might get hurt or something bad might happen. Here in the city whenever I'm with her, I always protect her from any negative thing and bad people. Here in the city whenever we go out I always see someone tried to touch her or take any picture of her and also usually some group of people just stared at her and cat calling her. Sometimes she doesn't notice any of that had happen around her and I always be there for her. But now she is with her younger brother and relatives in her hometown and now my mind keep on thinking if she is alright.I can't stop worrying. Our last conversation is that she told me to give her space to think, pray for her mom. She told me that she's the one to prepare her mother's burial and she'll be back next week. I also don't know how to comfort her and make her happy. I really wanted to help but I don't know how.I don't know what to say or what to do to comfort her.I feel so crushed whenever I saw her crying and right now I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to see her smiling again.

Thank You! I'm Sorry for having this too long. I don't have anyone else to talk to. she is everything to me she is a family to me and I want her to be safe and to be happy.

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2 hours ago, louie said:

I just want to see her smiling again.

Thank You! I'm Sorry for having this too long. I don't have anyone else to talk to. she is everything to me she is a family to me and I want her to be safe and to be happy.

[Note that I've moved your post to another forum, where I think you'll be more likely to connect with those whose concerns are similar to your own.]

Louie, my dear, I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your girlfriend, and I so appreciate how much you care for her and want to protect her ~ that is quite apparent from all you've shared with us. But I must tell you that you cannot protect her (or anyone else, for that matter) from grief. This is HER journey, and she alone will find her way through it. What you can do is to hold space for her and her grief.

What will be difficult for you is the fact that right now, she may not even know what she needs or wants. The best advice I can give you is to learn all you can about what is normal in grief, so you'll be better prepared to recognize and understand some of her reactions to this death. I can point you to a number of resources, but it is up to you to read them. If you read some of the other threads in this forum, you'll soon see that this will not be easy for you ~ but you are not alone in what you are facing, you are welcome here, and we will do all we can to give you the listening ear you need and deserve.

Here are some resources I encourage you to  explore. Note that at the base of each article listed, you'll find links to additional information:

Grief: Understanding The Process

How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences

When Death Happens: Tips for Helping The Mourner

In Grief: "Being There" for Someone In Mourning

 

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Thank You So Much. I'm going to read those article. I'll try to understand how I can help her. Right now I don't have a choice but to wait for her to come back here in the city. I know she told me to give her space but I texted her last night on what happened here at home and in my work, I texted her our daily Good Night Text Routine and texted her to Be Safe.. She replied to me Good Night.And This Morning I Texted her our Good Morning Text Routine and texted her again to be safe and I'm here for her if she needs me. I'm not sure if I'm doing a right thing or not. I feel like I need to text her A Good Morning and Good Night. 

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I Really Really Miss Her. I Miss Her Soo Much. I know it's been only 4 days. But I Really Can't Stop Thinking about her. If she is alright. How I Wish I could be there by her side. I Wish I could just hug her. My mind keeps on thinking about any negative things. Reading on other people's post. I'm afraid that I might lose her. That we might broke up. She might lose interest on me.That she might stayed at her hometown for good and won't come back. I'm Afraid I might lose her again. I know I'm being foolish thinking only about myself right now. I know that she is crying and staying there besides her mom. I know that I need to give her time to heal and be with her family. But to think that she is suffering, crying. knowing that she is the one who will prepare her mother's burial. My heart crushed.I can't Sleep, can't work properly. All I think right now if She is alright, If She's gonna come back. And right now I feel so alone. A Day without her, A Day without talking to her it feels like a year of agony.My heart felt numb.I I Really don't know what to do anymore. I just wanted to see Her Smile. How I Wish I'm there to help her, To be there for her. to be By Her side. I Will Do Anything to make her Happy Again.

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I'm now afraid I might do something stupid. I'm now overthinking and overeacting on every situation. I'm Really Really Really Afraid that I might lose her again. I think I'll focus on work in the mean time and try not to think about it. I'll just drown Myself with music while working. Maybe I'm just overthinking over things. 

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The easiest way to lose her is by not respecting her request for space.  It's going to be really, really hard, but it'll be important to take a step back and not obsess over her.  You're in a very hard place right now.  You need to be there for her in the sidelines in case she wants anything, but not coming forth smothering and definitely no demands, no relationship talk.  She is in a very fragile state right now and her grief takes everything out of her, she has nothing to give a relationship at this time, and if you push for more from her, she will cut the relationship, I've seen it happen time and time again.  If you go back through this section and read all of the threads as I have, you'll see a pattern, it's a classic grief response, not everyone does this, but it happens often enough to give it pause for thought.  

It's going to be really important for you to shelve your insecurity.  Focus on you while she is focusing on her grief, join a gym, take a class, but you handle you and let her handle her, that's how it has to be for a time.  Take your cues from her as to how much contact you have, whether she wants to see or talk to you or not.  This is the best way you can be supportive, in the background.  I've seen grievers cut their partner out but not their friends, why?  Because their partner makes demands, has expectations that their friends don't have.  Their friends are just there, waiting, taking their cues from her.  

Keep coming here, keep posting, but read up on the threads, you'll get the picture.  I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm very sorry for her loss.  Try not to worry, give yourselves the best chance possible of making it through this intact, give her the space she's asked for right now.  I'm an overthinker too, very analytical, this is one of those times it can work to our detriment.  

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Thank You. Right now I have just joined a gym and later redecorating our room that she always wanted for a surprise. I tried to limit my text to our usual good morning and a good night text routine. I'll just keep on praying for her safety. And keep myself busy for the mean time and having the phone with me just in case.

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I'm not sure when is the right time to talk to her. I just want to know if she is ok. I checked my social media account a while ago. I saw her changing her profile picture with her standing on top of a big rock in a sunset. She also posted one of the picture  which is the view of my room window which i send to her last week in the instagram with a title "I was thinking about YOU Thinking about ME Thinking about US How we're gonna be I opened my eyes, It was only just a DREAM..." and a twitter saying "goodbye" And She is also marked online on her fb account which is unusual because she doesnt want others to know that she is online.

I'm not sure if she is ok or not. If I need to comfort her. I think I'm just over analyzing things..I Don't know what to do.

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10 minutes ago, louie said:

I'm not sure when is the right time to talk to her. I just want to know if she is ok.

The way you've described yourself, Louie, convinces me that your lady already knows that you are thinking of her. Because she is in mourning, you already know that she is not ok. She will let you know when it is the right time to talk to her. Let her take the lead on that. I know it's hard, because you are grieving, too. Try using how you are feeling now (missing her, longing for her, wishing with all your heart to be with her) as a way to understand and empathize with how she must be feeling as she mourns the loss of her mother. That is where her focus lies right now, and that is as it should be. You cannot "fix" this for her . . .

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24 minutes ago, louie said:

 

I'm not sure when is the right time to talk to her.

 

When she texts or calls YOU, that is the right time.  Remember, no relationship talk.  Even saying, "I miss you" can be construed by them as pressure in this situation.  Have you read the articles Marty posted links to?

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I'm Sorry. I'm Trying not to disturb her. I'm Reading Every Article I can so I could Help Her. I Just want her to know that I'm there for her by texting her a good morning and a good night text. Wanting to let her know that she is not alone. I'm not sure if it is a right thing or not.  although no text been received lately. I don't know how she is doing. I just want to know if she is safe. its now been 6 days before we last had our long coversation. I remembered we talked about that night before thru phone how her mother is improving, she is going to take her licensure exam, convincing me to take my second licensure exam for additional income, planning what we are going to do for our future, where we are going to eat on our special day while planning how to go on for a diet and looking for a bags she likes online which has been 2 months since we looked and yet haven't found one. How she was happy when we talked, how we are excited to meet, laughing, telling jokes. It's just feel soo unreal. Everything is Good that day but Waking Up and Having a Terrible Days ahead. Suddenly hearing the news, knowing what she going to do in the next few days. I Really Can't Believe that it is All too real. I Really Want to Be With Her. With Her Mom. Her Mom.. She is the Best Mom that I have ever known. A Mom that always think for her children, Who have gone thru lot's of things just so to have her children a better life. Whenever I'm with her Mom I Feel So Warm Inside. I Remembered I Feel Like Crying Whenever I'm Talking with Her Mom. And Right know she is not here anymore. I Really don't understand why. Life is Soo Unfair. How A Good Mother like that is not here so early. While Other People who doesn't even care of their own life and even more to the people around them, Smoking wherever they go, Eat whatever they can eat, people who think only for themselves live longer. While others who worked soo hard and do whatever they can for their children live shorter. Life really is unfair. 

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We still don't have any contact yet. I don't know what she is doing. I hope that she is alright. I just made a poem for her, a card and did a shopping for the ingredients that I'm going to cook if ever she comes back. I'll give the poem to her when she comes back.It's just that I feel uneasy, Today she is doing very unusual, I check again my social media account in facebook she is still online and our viber and whatsapp application is also online which is also very unusual because she doesn't use it very often especially whatsapp. we downloaded the whatsapp application specifically for our video calls whenever we're far apart.the viber is for our picture messaging and also her communication to her brother that is working abroad. I just feel like she wants to talk or I'm just overthinking about things. 

Right now I'm doing a double time in My life, I am working double time. studied for my licensure exam, preparing notes for her licensure exam and tried to contact My old and future clients just so maybe I can find a new projects. I feel like I need to step up and work hard for our future.

And the poem I have prepared i'm not sure if it is appropriate or not. I refrain on talking in relationship, demands and anything related to it. It is more on telling her that she is not alone that we are still there for her, her family, her friends and I'm here. whenever she needs someone talk to we'll be there.

I hope i'm doing the right thing for her. I'm not sure if i did anything right to help her. 

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I don't know if I'm going text her the usual good morning or good night or not. I'm not sure if she'll going to come back. I'm afraid I might say something wrong and hurt her or if I already did hurt her. I really really feel like I might lose her. I'm afraid. I really don't know what to do. I feel so helpless.

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Louie, I can feel the distress and uncertainty in your words, and I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I wish you would consider just BEING instead of DOING. There really is nothing you can DO to fix this situation. As has already been suggested to you in the responses you've received from us thus far, you are wise to take your cue from your girlfriend. Let her do the reaching out, the texting, the contacting. She knows where you are and how to reach you.

I know this is hard for you, and I'm so sorry :( 

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Right now I'm Afraid I might lose her. And that she won't text me even if I waited too long. she is the only one I have, Someone I can talk to and to be with.The only one I can Trust. She and her parents are the only one I considered as a Family. If I lose her I don't have anyone else to be.I felt crushed about her mom. And now I'm afraid of losing her I'm afraid I have no one else to protect. nothing to be look forward to in the future.

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On 6/11/2017 at 9:37 AM, louie said:

She just told me to give her space and told me to focus on my work.

 

On 6/11/2017 at 9:37 AM, louie said:

Our last conversation is that she told me to give her space to think, pray for her mom

She's asked you to give her space, that's what you need to do for now.

Right now, hard as it is, it's not about you, it's about her.  There is so much going on when you lose a loved one.  You have to decide cremation or burial, all the details, get copies of the death certificate, plan a funeral/memorial, get pictures together, deal with relatives, make/receive a ton of phone calls.  Somewhere in there you have to try to remember to eat, it's hard to sleep, it is a whirlwind of activity and details, she doesn't have time to worry about you right now.  Please give her the space she asked for or you'll drive her away.  I know it's hard, take it from one who's been there, on both ends.

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1 minute ago, louie said:

Right now I'm Afraid I might lose her

I understand this but you are worrying about YOU and what YOU want.  Please consider HER and what SHE is going through.

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On 6/12/2017 at 5:09 AM, kayc said:

The easiest way to lose her is by not respecting her request for space.  It's going to be really, really hard, but it'll be important to take a step back and not obsess over her.

 

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I'm Sorry. I sound so foolish. I didn't texted her or contact her in any way. I tried give her space. I haven't contact anything to her. 

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But I don't know if it is right to text her good morning or good night. Thats the only thing I texted her for the past few days. I'm not sure if it is ok or not.I'm Sorry

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