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Hello - Emptiness


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Well I've heard it recommended that we be real with the people we are close to.  Marg, I understand your family situation is different, and Gwen, I realize you are alone, Ana, I get that people haven't been there for you in the way you've needed either.  I guess that's why we have grief support groups, so people can talk with others going through it that understand, and why we have grief forums like this.  I had a good friend I could talk to, she hadn't gone through it until a few years after George died, but later she went through it too.  I wish she hadn't moved!  But she has remarried and moved to another state and as much as I miss her I'm happy for her.  I know someday one of them will pay the price again, but for now, they are happy.

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4 hours ago, kayc said:

I wish she hadn't moved!  

Hettie, my neighbor, my fellow widow, she was there for me when I had to have someone.  She would still be there for me now if I lived there.  If I did not come to her house every day, she was checking on me.  When it all came down to it, she knew we were going to miss each other terribly, but her advice to me was what I wanted to hear, what I was going to do anyhow, I had to get away from that paradise that was hell for me.  Friends are like that.  They want the best for us.  You do not find that rare friend that will help you so easily.  Guess you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you locate a good friend.  (Wrong comparison, but not looking for a prince.)  

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Discussion or Grief groups are helpful but I find if the people or person involved, have not actually suffered a loss it is not real...People mean well, but unless you know the Hollow/Empty/purposeless/ feeling......I see little value....This forum gets it, widowers/widows I talk to, get it......my family doesn't get it..they say the right words...But still ask when is the old Dad coming back.....Truth is , Old Dad is gone, Grief changes you.....Actually makes you a more understanding and "Better" person...but it hurts....

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Kevin, the friend who famously told me that now I would have time to find myself, she had gone through the flames herself.  She wants to tell me about it sometimes and she remarried two years later to someone who "treats her like a queen."  So clearly, we never know what goes on with people.  This man has struggled to live these past over 12 years, and know she was married over 40 years to first husband.  One beautiful friend who lost her husband about 19 years ago now, she has never remarried and I do not think has ever dated.  Her husband was a cousin of mine.  Everyone has their own story, but unless you have lost someone, you cannot tell it.  I still think Billy had something to do with my finding this forum three days after he left me.  Certainly desperation was a factor.  Lots of good people here. 

Addendum:  Still have not found me, I quit looking.

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I have 2 men friends who recently lost their wives and two couple friends where the man has terminal cancer. I talk to them a lot. Nothing makes much of a dent in the way I feel being without Susan, but talking to them is some of the best support I have. 

I hate living alone, I hate sleeping alone, and I can't imagine loving another woman. Looks like I'm screwed ?

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9 minutes ago, TomPB said:

I hate living alone, I hate sleeping alone, and I can't imagine loving another woman.

Just makes you one of the gang Tom.  We are all half a person short.  

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I hear what you are saying Kevin and for the most part I agree with you.

my family doesn't get it..they say the right words...But still ask when is the old Dad coming back

I do feel some comfort from those people who are honest about not knowing.  When someone says that they are sorry for my loss and cannot imagine what it is like, and then add that they don't know what they can do for me I feel accepted, and validated.  I recognize that the day will come when they do know what it's like to lose that one special person that put the loving in living.  When someone has compassion I feel more at ease.

My son lives at home, he is 30 and is not looking for the old me.  Our struggles separately and together are changing both of us.  I can empathize with your children missing both their mother who is not visible to them and the comfort of the father that they remember.  With the trauma of losing one parent it also means they are trying to adapting to the new parent that is you.  I don't know how this works or how long it takes for them to feel as 'at ease, safe, or as happy' with the new you.  My wish is that it happen gently for all of you ?.

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I feel as you do, Tom.  People keep telling me.....you never know.    But I think there are some things we do.  Yes, I could be wrong, but since I don't plan on looking and in this day and age (and being in my 60's), the chance of finding a'fit' is slim to none. Plus I don't want to do the whole ritual of getting to know someone.  Companionship might be nice, but I'd still come home alone to OUR home.  And I always will be.  Steve is everywhere and can't be erased.  

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45 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Kevin, the friend who famously told me that now I would have time to find myself, she had gone through the flames herself.  She wants to tell me about it sometimes and she remarried two years later to someone who "treats her like a queen."  So clearly, we never know what goes on with people.  This man has struggled to live these past over 12 years, and know she was married over 40 years to first husband.  One beautiful friend who lost her husband about 19 years ago now, she has never remarried and I do not think has ever dated.  Her husband was a cousin of mine.  Everyone has their own story, but unless you have lost someone, you cannot tell it.  I still think Billy had something to do with my finding this forum three days after he left me.  Certainly desperation was a factor.  Lots of good people here. 

Addendum:  Still have not found me, I quit looking.

I think that some people link being in a couple with loosing your individuality and independence. And when you are left alone, now you have time for yourself.

I found my self when I was with my boyfriend. 

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Ana, I ran away from home to be with Billy.  I stayed sometimes because I could not go back to mom and dad (my choice).  Frying pan into the fire at first.  Eventually we became one person, and I'm just not me without him.  Not worried about finding me.  

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11 hours ago, kevin said:

Discussion or Grief groups are helpful but I find if the people or person involved, have not actually suffered a loss it is not real...People mean well, but unless you know the Hollow/Empty/purposeless/ feeling......I see little value....

Maybe that's why the one I have is doing so well, we all "get it"!  Why else would one be there!

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It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.   Rose Kennedy  

Patricia, I have to go back to this often.  I think this woman understood and had been through the flames with her feet to the hot coals.  Some on here have lost children and I do not even want to imagine that pain.  But Rose knew it.  I cannot examine her marriage, but she was a dutiful wife and overlooked a lot of things, but because of her religion and possibly her love for him, she had to have felt the pain when he left also.  

We have to get some sort of relief from somewhere and I hate that saying misery loves company, but in this forum we don't love the company, but we do understand the misery.   

ADDENDUM:  I don't want that taken wrong, when I say "we don't love the company" means only that we all hate that you have to be here.    

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Pat, when the initial shock left me, it was about a week....My Cognetive  thinking was definitely impaired(after 23 months still not all here), the best advice I was given is things will improve, and don't do anything rash......You will have your good days and bad days......Watch your nutritional needs....beware the Grief diet....Pat, things now are as bad as it gets, it will improve., you will change...all the best

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I don't know about it being easier.  It's been 17 months for me.  I can say that it is like the tide that ebbs and flows.  There are quiet times between the ups and the downs and in those quiet moments I just keep remembering to breathe and keep looking for the light.

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I wouldn't use the word "easy" in conjunction with grief.  We get more used to it eventually.  We learn to cope better.  We adjust somewhat.  But there's nothing "easy" about this journey!  I've learned to "do" it, I've had no choice!

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On 6/17/2017 at 6:19 PM, kevin said:

Discussion or Grief groups are helpful but I find if the people or person involved, have not actually suffered a loss it is not real...People mean well, but unless you know the Hollow/Empty/purposeless/ feeling......I see little value....This forum gets it, widowers/widows I talk to, get it......my family doesn't get it..they say the right words...But still ask when is the old Dad coming back.....Truth is , Old Dad is gone, Grief changes you.....Actually makes you a more understanding and "Better" person...but it hurts....

Yes, yes, yes,...what has shocked me the most, is not only is the person gone, but also everything you enjoyed together. Without the sharing aspect, these things  become meaningless and uninteresting. So, not only have I lost my husband, but also the joy in all of that. Even the silliest little TV shows. We always loved watching "Project Runway" together. I just heard the new season is coming up, and its like "who cares"?

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Patricia,

So true! I was thinking this weekend how George and I would be camping if he was alive, it just wouldn't be the same without him. :(

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On 6/20/2017 at 3:03 PM, Patricia B said:

Yes, yes, yes,...what has shocked me the most, is not only is the person gone, but also everything you enjoyed together. Without the sharing aspect, these things  become meaningless and uninteresting. So, not only have I lost my husband, but also the joy in all of that. Even the silliest little TV shows. We always loved watching "Project Runway" together. I just heard the new season is coming up, and its like "who cares"?

My thoughts exactly. All our silly, playful, loving routines, a world we  built over 47 years, gone. 

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It's been 2 weeks since my husband's death but services were delayed for various reasons until today. It is fitting that this is the longest day of the year since it certainly seemed like the longest day of my life. I dreaded this day, so I am relieved it is over, but right now I am drained and exhausted, so its hard to tell how I feel. My question is, did having the funeral over with help at all?

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