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Complex, Complicated Grief


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I feel like this whole complex , complicated grief concept is too much to take sometimes. I had PTSD and depression long before John died in November, almost 7 months ago. His sudden illness took us from our home in NC to Houston for a month that ended in his death there just four weeks later. Too much to delve into, but John's body and mind underwent 7 tortuous surgeries before they could do no more. Two days before Thanksgiving, he drifted away. Besides my sister who flew out to be with me and our son who we flew out three times, all of our family and close friends were in NC.  We were able to connect with a couple of friends in TX while there, but our community of faith, best friends, everyone was back home.

The month away was traumatic. So much about it... ICU, hospital sounds and smells... Just so much. I have had nightmares of Houston since coming home. They are lessening now with a good therapist. Sometimes I don't feel like I can go on, but I have a 20-year-old son who John and I adored. He was and is his father's pride and pure joy. 

I thought that Houston was what alone looked like. Now I realize that alone is an internal battle. I simply am lost. Now that the shock and denial have worn away, I am left with a reality I simply hate. I am looking for hope at every corner and I find it most of the time. But I miss my husband. I even miss the things that drove me nuts about him. I would give anything to hear him snore again. 

I am told that this is complicated grief due to PTSD from Houston and before. I think all grief is complex and complicated. I am overwhelmed mostly. I work full time and work a part time job as well. I help care for John's parents some weekends. I grieve. 

I don't know what to do with all of this. 

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mbbh,

Talk, talk, and talk some more - to those of us here - that's one thing you can do. It will help, as much as anything can. And read what we say. You will cry, then smile, choke up, then laugh some times. Because you will see we know your suffering. Ours is different, and all of ours is unique, but yet it's the same. The loss of heart, the loss of self, the fear, the guilt, the second-guessing -- it's all here. But in the sharing there is a slight relief. In  the revelations, there is found kinship. We are in one way or another all on the same path. Many of us put on a mask when we are out in public. We see that others, no matter how well meaning, often say hurtful things. They think we should "move on" or "get over it." They know not what this is, and we wouldn't wish it on any of them. But they still don't know. Until they know.

My first cousin lost her husband 2 years ago, and I thought I had been empathetic. I was supportive, I offered help. I visited her once in a while. But until 6 months ago I had no idea what she went through. Now we talk pretty much weekly, and we often cry together. I started my first beard a year ago for my Dana, and my cousin loves it. She cried but smiled when she saw me with it the first time. She said it was a lot like her Bill's beard.

Look at some of the links that Marty provides, and that some of the other folks have shared. Some of it won't work, but some just may help. i myself contribute in spurts, Sometimes I feel strong enough to express myself, and sometimes all I can do is see what the others say. But I come here every single day. It has been a life-saver for me. We are all alone now. But we are also all together.

Dave

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On 6/19/2017 at 9:26 PM, DaveM said:

mbbh,

... I started my first beard a year ago for my Dana, and my cousin loves it. She cried but smiled when she saw me with it the first time. She said it was a lot like her Bill's beard..

Dave

DaveM,

Your writing about growing a beard reminded me that at my wife's prompting eight years ago, she asked me to grow a beard in the winter.  So I had two different looks. My wife would run her fingers through my beard.. I forgot about that.  I had the beard when my wife died.  Shortly after, I shaved it off and haven't grown a beard since... She can no longer run her fingers through my beard...  sigh..:(.  The things we remember. - Shalom

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Mbbh,

You have a lot on your plate right now.  I can see how busy you are, with working so much and caring for your parents in law it could be easy to brush aside the process of grieving...that's hard work and takes time and effort.  I'm glad you're seeing a therapist.  All of the surgeries John went through, that must have been hard.  Now you are faced with being alone, and that's the part I still grapple with.  I've learned to live alone, but sometimes I feel cut adrift, TOO alone, I'm sure it's something we all feel...when you feel overwhelmed and the emotions are too much to know where to start, remember, "one day at a time", just do today.  I remember too that time shortly after George died, especially in the first year, those early months, I needed someone to talk to, it was hard because everyone disappeared.  This place saved me.

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13 hours ago, DaveM said:

My first cousin lost her husband 2 years ago, and I thought I had been empathetic. I was supportive, I offered help. I visited her once in a while. But until 6 months ago I had no idea what she went through. Now we talk pretty much weekly, and we often cry together.

Yeah, a dear longtime friend lost his amazing wife about 18 ms ago. I thought I was being supportive but only now realize how clueless I was. Now we have long talks, tho I've been a bit put off that he is dating already.

Just finished therapy where we looked at a photobook I made of Susan. Seeing her looking so happy in so many situations really drove home the loss and I had a really intense cry. I think the therapist has a better idea of the loss also. To go from living, as the song says, "in the sunshine of your love", to being alone - no words, but you get it.

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Tomorrow I am traveling 100 miles to meet someone who I've only recently started to know.  I have some trepidation because although I have good intentions and a caring heart I have not experienced the loss of a child.  The lady I am meeting for the first time is having a really hard time right now.  She lost her youngest son to suicide.  He was only 19 years old.

I do understand the impact on the survivors of suicide and both my son and I have had periods of suicidal ideation.  My son's started at 8 yrs old (when he later said is when he realized he is gay) and the most recent period was about 6 years ago.  I have felt that I couldn't take the pain of living since I was about 13.  I believe some of my problems stemmed from hormonal changes and then family dysfunction compounded it.  My last serious thoughts about suicide was shortly after my husband's suicide.  My son and I had a talk and promised each other that we would not attempt to end our lives.  We both know how to get help and I can tell when he needs a little extra attention.  I think that depression is something that is genetic because my mother's side family is full of depression.  My son and I are on medication and it does help.  I guess what I'm saying is that I know life is difficult and that there are many losses that people will suffer.  Each loss and each person is individual; loss and grief are not components of a contest anyone should want to win.

Later today I want to spend time with this lady to offer an ear, a shoulder, and a heart.  I don't have any expectations other than being there for her.  Her worries are many fold and she doesn't feel support from relatives or friends.  I know that when I had that desperate feeling one thing I really wanted was a hug and someone just to be there.  To listen, hold my hand, cry with me, look at photos of my beloved and let me talk about him were the things I needed to help in my grieving.

My thought for this day is 'treat others as I wish to be treated'.  If you want to help, a prayer for her and her family would be appreciated.

Marita

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22 hours ago, TomPB said:

I've been a bit put off that he is dating already.

Remember the grief fog can affect our decision making as we don't see with clarity in the early part of our grief...plus he could be so overwhelmed with aloneness that he is craving a companion, some people don't handle doing alone very well.  It doesn't mean he didn't love her.

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5 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I don't have any expectations other than being there for her.

Bless you, Marita.  It's good that you and your son are aware of suicidal urges and can talk about it with each other and make the promise to each other, I hope that's one promise you both keep and if you feel the urges can talk to a professional about it and get help with it.  Depression runs in my family too and I think I have a mild form of depression.  I never felt depressed when I had George so I think it must stem from feeling so alone in life.  When I was married to my kids' dad, 23 years, I was on medication, I definitely didn't feel supportivenesss or caring from him.  He didn't want me to talk to him, I was very alone.  I'm working on making friends now, it's slow go, but I keep working on it, it takes a long time, it seems to make a good close friend to where you have a history together.

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On 6/19/2017 at 7:17 PM, Widowedbysuicide said:

Mbbh we come here to be who we are becoming.  It is safe here and it's ok to not be ok.  

 

Marita that is about the most profound description I have ever heard describing this sanctuary.

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On 6/19/2017 at 7:17 PM, Widowedbysuicide said:

it's ok to not be ok.  

 

Our pastor says this every week!  He wants to get across acceptance as we are, he's very authentic and I appreciate that!

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5 hours ago, kayc said:

Remember the grief fog can affect our decision making as we don't see with clarity in the early part of our grief...plus he could be so overwhelmed with aloneness that he is craving a companion, some people don't handle doing alone very well.  It doesn't mean he didn't love her.

I'm not judging my friend. I'm saying that the situation makes me uncomfortable, in part because I feel so alone

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