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“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear,” says C.S. Lewis in the opening line of A Grief Observed.

Maybe grief doesn’t just feel like fear, maybe it is fear.

In my life, in mine alone can I talk about, but I have never had so much fear.  Without him, I know fear daily.  "Getting to know myself" is something I never cared to do.  

 

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5 hours ago, Marg M said:

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear,” says C.S. Lewis in the opening line of A Grief Observed.

Maybe grief doesn’t just feel like fear, maybe it is fear.

In my life, in mine alone can I talk about, but I have never had so much fear.  Without him, I know fear daily.  "Getting to know myself" is something I never cared to do.  

 

I agree.  I too still have attacks of fear and anxiety....after 2 years.

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I wonder sometimes looking at my friends.  One had to have loved her husband as much as I loved Billy, they were high school sweethearts.  I asked her if she still talks to her husband (been about 7 years), and it was kinda like she patted me on the head (figuratively), and said "your still young in your grief."  And now I cannot talk to him.  Don't know why.  Not what she said.  It is a block.  He did not talk to me back of course, but I kinda felt he heard me.  Now he doesn't.  I sure wish I had my mystical, fantastical, magical imagination.  I think that part of my life left when Billy  left.

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The magnitude of being alone after being in a committed relationship for so long and not wanting to be alone....

yes, fear and anxiety fill our thoughts as we navigate our new normal..

Peace- Marie

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On 6/26/2017 at 5:45 AM, Patricia B said:

Wow!  A LOT of interesting topics!

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On 6/26/2017 at 5:48 PM, Marg M said:

I wonder sometimes looking at my friends.  One had to have loved her husband as much as I loved Billy, they were high school sweethearts.  I asked her if she still talks to her husband (been about 7 years), and it was kinda like she patted me on the head (figuratively), and said "your still young in your grief."  And now I cannot talk to him.  Don't know why.  Not what she said.  It is a block.  He did not talk to me back of course, but I kinda felt he heard me.  Now he doesn't.  I sure wish I had my mystical, fantastical, magical imagination.  I think that part of my life left when Billy  left.

Hmm, that seemed a little condescending.  I'm 12 years out and I talk to George all the time!  I don't think I'm strange for it or even out of the ordinary.

I'm not sure why you feel like Billy doesn't hear you when you used to feel he did.  When/Why/What changed?

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35 minutes ago, kayc said:

 When/Why/What changed?

A book that was supposed to be uplifting, supposed to be true for one man, should have been uplifting for me, threw me into a dark place that I cannot talk to Billy anymore.  I am not delusional enough to think he could answer, but I was possibly thinking he was listening.  A book that was supposed to strengthen my faith called "Life after Heaven."  Kinda reminds me of a Mark Twain quote, "Be careful reading health books, you may die of a misprint."

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I also don't feel that John is close now.....I think it's because it's been 2 years and I've gotten exhausted with still wanting something more tangible, which of course I won't get....maybe I resist thinking he's there out of anger...cutting off my nose to spite my face syndrome?

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Cookie, I'm past two and a half years and never felt so bad.  I read how so many are at least making some small strides and crying less.  I do the strides but I feel the opposite so I feel like some kind of freak.  It doesn't help I have zero support beyond my counselors that I pay to see once a week.  Losing my primary care doctor felt like the straw that broke the camels back.  A 27 year relationship and helping me thru the fear and panic gone.  I often read what many are doing and can find a positive little spark, but I cannot.  I'm so tired wakiing up and my first thought being Steve is not here and never will be.  As has been talked about over and over, nothing is the same, but I feel I am losing the battle towards this new life.  I think, for me, doing or not having to do the little daily things are hitting me subconsciously when others are more apparent.  I changed our bed last night and again it was only because of my side, his was pristine.  I was dreaming we didn't have any milk in the house and so aware it isn't needed because only Steve used it.  It's like I am being haunted by my own mind and I can't find a way to find some respite from it.  I didn't expect to be 'better' by now, but I did have (now thrashed hopes) I would be more accepting.  I wake to literal panic every day and wonder how long one can stay sane doing that?  Much less how it follows me all day.  I even dread going to bed as i know how the day will begin.  I've never want to go to sleep (except for the couple of hours of respite I get before waking again and again to the catastrophic thinking) and never wake up as I do now.  It's a scary dark place to live and not one I can tell any of the people I run across about.  I used to feel bad for he residents at the nursing home I volunteer at, but now I see they have a more socially connected life than me.  So much more human interaction.  I have my dogs, but they will never replace having a partner of my species.  

Crying used to be cathartic and even that is gone.  

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Gwen, I wish I had words or thoughts that could somehow take you to a more comfortable place. I don't. Losing our beloveds has made our new world alone such a different and much less enjoyable place. There's no sugar coating it. I've accepted that my world will never feel the same as it did when it was Mitch and Tammy against the world.

And I guess accepting things is one of the first steps. It sucks and yet somehow we're supposed to thrive in this place we didn't chose to live in... this grief world. It is torture at times and our soul mate isn't here to make this terrible world a better place.

All you can do is try and I know you are doing just that. You want to find a sense of peace and of some sort of contentment. Yes, you're struggling but give yourself credit for doing the very best you can at this point.

We all deserve some sort of medal for just getting out of bed somedays. The "Grief Medal of Courage" for pushing ourselves. Look, I know this life doesn't feel like it holds much promise but clearly none of us really knows what the future holds.

Here's hoping all of us see some better days ahead.

Hugs,

Mitch

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Gwen

This life sure is lousy most of the time.  I miss Al so very much and you are right...no one understands what we go through.  I try to be positive, but it sure is hard.  I tried to volunteer, but that fell thru.  So many times I just want to talk to him and ask him what he thinks about things.  Some days I go thru the whole day without seeing anyone.  Thank God for the phone!   I have 2 sick friends, so I try to see them every week.  Wish I had more encouragement, but just know that I am thinking of you and hoping things get better.

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Something that was a real life saver socially for me was the Golf Course.......It starts out with a few lessons,  practice facilities, and leads to inter actions( four hours a day).......They have Men and Lady groups, Senior days, and just normal times....The Benefits include Fresh Air and exercise.....Golf isn't for everyone, but as a Widower with loads of time, it's ideal.....I also make a point out of meeting/ playing with  different people..............I've done the same with Darts, which a Golfer introduced me to the game.....Different group but it is a social outage...I can say the Grief is the same, but I am learning to adapt........kevin

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Something Gwen said really hit home with me. I used to always feel calmer and better after I would cry about something. This is the first time in my life that it doesn't help.

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Pat, crying is usually cathartic but let's face it, what we're crying about now has a different level of pain and complexity to it.  For me, the tears are always just below the surface. Whether it's a thought (or any trigger) those tears seem to burst out without notice. These tears are different. They are the tears of a permanent loss. Tears that come from the loss of so much love.

And I think what makes them different is that we know our loved one isn't coming back. That we will hurt and cry for that loss the rest of our lives. This isn't the normal tears of daily misery that just says "life sucks". These are tears of sheer agony. In many ways, we've lost everything. Our whole world has disintegrated. Our heart shattered into a million pieces.

There are so many aspects and levels to grief. It's so complex and so complicated. It's a moment to moment learning experience in many ways. Crying is a part of it. In time, we learn that the tears really don't relieve the pain. They're mostly just a "side effect" of our loss. Gradually we learn what does work to help us cope. What keeps us "sane". That's where I am in my grief journey. Just learning how to cope.

The next goal is to try and find some sense of happiness. Two years out though, I haven't a clue how to achieve that. I want to be that Mitch from the old days. I want that sparkle in my eye to come back. But, for now, the pain of losing Tammy overwhelms me. There is a deep, palpable sadness that is now part of my aura.

Yet as always, I do try the best I can and l haven't given up (though that would be so easy). I'm taking more forward steps than backward ones. That's progress, right?

Mitch

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Mitch,

I do not think that I am even hoping for happiness.  Just less pain and misery.   Al and I were two old folks trying to enjoy the rest of our lives.  Now it is just me struggling through.  Everything is so different.  I had problems with the phone company today and was wishing so bad that  Al were here to take care of things.  I think I will just lose $150.  Just do not have the energy to fight them anymore.  So many areas in our life where their loss is felt.  More important is their absence.  Want to see, hear and touch them.

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Gin, I hear you. We all just want to get through our day with some level of comfort and reduced pain. That's certainly where I'm at. Yet wouldn't it be nice (even if it was only for a moment or two) to feel some actual happiness again? At least we can hope. 

I'm so sorry you had the added pain of dealing with the phone company. :(

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21 hours ago, Marg M said:

A book that was supposed to be uplifting, supposed to be true for one man, should have been uplifting for me, threw me into a dark place that I cannot talk to Billy anymore.  I am not delusional enough to think he could answer, but I was possibly thinking he was listening.  A book that was supposed to strengthen my faith called "Life after Heaven."  Kinda reminds me of a Mark Twain quote, "Be careful reading health books, you may die of a misprint."

Sometimes people (books) can knock the faith right out of you!  Remember to go with what resonates with YOU, not someone else...people can be wrong.  I hope your prior thinking returns, someone else just shouldn't have the power to damage us that way.  :angry:

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On 6/27/2017 at 3:35 PM, Cookie said:

 

I also don't feel that John is close now.....I think it's because it's been 2 years and I've gotten exhausted with still wanting something more tangible, which of course I won't get....maybe I resist thinking he's there out of anger...cutting off my nose to spite my face syndrome

 

No specific names, all of you perhaps, I resist reading things now, except on here.  I started reading one that had spiritual "hookups" with the "departed."  It gave me chills to even think of going there.  What faith I have is religious faith, and I guarantee you that mustard seed is still worn, but I have to do the work myself.  

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1 hour ago, kayc said:

Sometimes people (books) can knock the faith right out of you!  Remember to go with what resonates with YOU, not someone else...people can be wrong. 

Maybe I'm wrong, but in general, if a book can shatter the faith you had in something, that faith must not have been very strong. Faith and conviction go hand in hand.

faith

/feɪθ/
noun
1. strong or unshakeable belief in something, esp without proof or evidence

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I'm removing my post.  My mustard seed faith believes judgement should come from where faith originates.  

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Marg, you appear to have taken my comment personally. I was strictly responding directly to Kay's remark about books swaying people's faith.

Faith in some contexts is religious of course but I was referring to having a faith or conviction in something more general.

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I did take it personally Mitch.  I knew of no other way to take it.

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Marg, (and I hope you don't take this the wrong way) ...

I saw Kay's post about books and responded to it. I honestly didn't even read your prior posts (I apologize for that). I don't know what else I can say to convince you otherwise that it wasn't directed at you. That's not how I roll.

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