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Thank You both for your support. I am not real tex smart but I am so lost, sooo lost. I take one step at a time and that is a job. God Blessed Ron and I with 3 wonderful kids. Lolol 45 and older. They have there own family and life. I am Blessed they call and check on me. But half of me is gone, I am alone, no way around it. He was my best friend, we did everything together. I learned to hunt, he learned to yard sale. Happy Days, now are gone.

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Tal, it has taken me over two years to come to any kind of word that I could call kin to understanding, cousin of peace, and the pain , well, I cannot say it never ceases, it only happens if I dwell on it, which is 99.9% of the time.  My granddaughter living with me has helped that other percentage.  Keep reading.  All ages, some not yet 50 and have lost two husbands, some with children lost too, and that is the kind I cannot think about.  I watched a TV show where they sent a woman to a grief group and she came away worse than when she went in.  One of the guys on here said "one size does not fit all" and that is true.  The grief group was in the Baptist Church here in town and I asked why there were no men in it and one of the women remarked "Oh, they usually find someone else."  Having been a member of this group awhile, I thought that remark did not fit the men I knew.  It was mostly for women that had lost children and I cried all the way home each time I went.  I remember when I had cancer, I went to a cancer survivor's group.  One time.  Some people are social group people.  I am not.  That size does not fit me.  This size fits me.  Please keep reading and contributing.  A bunch of caring people on here in all stages of grief.  I say stages, but the key word is grief, and though one size might not fit all, we all share the same thing.  Hang in with us.  

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15 hours ago, Tal said:

I am having hard time, 8 months 3 days and it's getting worse. Been trying to get here but not doing well. If you all get this tex has to be God knowing how desperate I am. Married almost 50 years, month and half short. 

People all around but sooo alone.  Trying so hard to make it. 

Hi Tal welcome, we're on similar timelines, Susan died 3/31 and 48 Anniv was 6/27. Doing everything they tell me but I'm still lost. Best wishes TomPB

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Tal,

We can relate.  Those of us left here trying to make it are the ones that had the relationships others dream of, no wonder we struggle, we had something to lose!  And oh did we!  But we didn't lose the love, just their physical presence...not even death can kill their love.

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On ‎07‎/‎17‎/‎2017 at 11:14 AM, kayc said:

I'm kind of like you, Marg, it's hard to go through that stuff.  I never felt stuck as in couldn't cry, the tears flowed plenty in the early years, and even now and then in later years, but I don't worry about whether I cry or don't.  The important thing is not to stop the tears if you feel like crying, let them come and go as they need to.  I know someone who was married 50* years, happily, it's been over a year and she hasn't cried yet.  She says she isn't trying to stop them.  She had a breakdown after he died.  I would think a grief counselor would be warranted but she hasn't seen one.

Crying is a funny thing.  You can cry but it doesn't always bring comfort.  I have cried plenty, but always have felt constricted in some way, especially if I'm in the presence of someone because it almost always makes them uncomfortable; they can be well-meaning and kind but still have a hard time hearing the pain.  Crying alone can be hard too because I've needed someone to just be there; there is a comfort in that; I guess it's like what John used to do for me when I was upset about something because he cared so much.  I've been having a hard time (like I know everyone here has) with the time of year; I had a dream last night where a woman was standing in front of me and I said to her "I'm so, so sad."  She put her arms around me and I just sobbed and sobbed all out, and she just held me without saying anything; was just a strong presence, a companion to my pain; no judgment, no discomfort felt. 

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4 hours ago, Cookie said:

Crying is a funny thing.  You can cry but it doesn't always bring comfort

No, it doesn't, but you get used to feelings hitting you when ever, where ever, and I don't full out sob, but we do keep a roll of paper towels in the living room for when ever I get emotional at weed killing commercials, etc.  I do carry one paper towel in my pocket cause if I forget and walk through the fishing/hunting section of Walmart, the tears will come.  The only thing I can warn against.....don't cry and scream into pillows where no one can hear you.  Hurts your head something fierce.  I learned not to do that.  If I cried, Billy would just melt and let me have my way.  He does not listen anymore.

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I never watched football until I hooked up with Al.  Then we watched A LOT.  I could not watch it after he was gone.  My niece kept texting me tonight about the game.   Pittsburgh vs. Green Bay.  That would have been a hard one for Al.  He grew up near Pittsburgh, but he loved the GB quarterbacks.  Finally I had to turn it on the last 15 minutes.  Never thought I could ever watch any game without Al.  Maybe I never will again.

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9 hours ago, Marg M said:

we do keep a roll of paper towels in the living room for when ever I get emotional at weed killing commercials

Yeah, they get me every time! ;)  Marg, you always make me smile!

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8 hours ago, Gin said:

I could not watch it after he was gone.

I just watched the Civil War game (Oregon vs Oregon State), talk about wanting to cry!!  I'm a Beavs fan, not a Ducks fan.  Fortunately, Oakridge is half & half, well, a little heavier on the Ducks side being so close to Eugene.  I once had my car vandalized because of the Beavers decal on my car.  :angry: And that was in my own driveway on a quiet dead end street in the country!  People get very emotional about their football teams. :lol:

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3 hours ago, kayc said:

People get very emotional about their football teams. :lol:

Yep. That was me during the Michigan - Ohio State game this past Saturday. :(

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On ‎27‎.‎6‎.‎2017 at 11:14 PM, Gwenivere said:

 I used to feel bad for he residents at the nursing home I volunteer at, but now I see they have a more socially connected life than me.  So much more human interaction.  I have my dogs, but they will never replace having a partner of my species.  

Dear Gwen,

I know how you feel.I live all alone for 6 years already.I have 2 terrible neighbours.One of them is smoking every 30 minutes in the window,because she almost never leaves her flat.She made my life unbearable enough,because I can´t open my windows when I need at all.It´s a nightmare,especially in the summer when being without open windows seems to be impossible by all means.I bought 3 ventilators to survive it somehow,but it doesn´t help too much.Nothing works as for the person who lives one floor below.On the top of that she is really bad.Every time I say something,she tries to hurt me some way.Once she even called police,because I complained about her smoking.I couldn´t breathe in the flat at all!Another one neighbour living on the left is the same,she is her friend and when they start to smoke together,it may last until morning mostly,because no one of them does work anymore.If my beloved Jan would have been alive,they couldn´t do it anymore.Living alone is very hard.I also have no close family.I sometimes have to bring heavy bags that causes me terrible back pains then,so I must be careful all the more.Only those people who live all alone as we do,may understand how it feels.A woman,living alone,without a family,with medical issues and on the top of that grieving so much!It´s very hard.Isn´t it?I do know!

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Send you hugs from the heart!

    With love Janka

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38 minutes ago, Janka said:

A woman,living alone,without a family,with medical issues and on the top of that grieving so much!It´s very hard.Isn´t it?I do know!

I think it applies to everyone, but yes, there are certain things about being a woman that are especially challenging.  Things I just have the strength for physically and that is changing for the worse as I age.  It's hard to get motivated when you know it's going to hurt.   Also so little motivation when I feel I have nothing to continue on for.  No one to be with.  No one to share this journey of life with.  I wish I could say I felt robotic, but robots don't feel emotions.  Right now I wish I could turn them off.  Too many things have been happening to intensify his absence piling up like weight that may crush me.

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On ‎11‎/‎27‎/‎2017 at 3:31 PM, Janka said:

Dear Gwen,

I know how you feel.I live all alone for 6 years already.I have 2 terrible neighbours.One of them is smoking every 30 minutes in the window,because she almost never leaves her flat.She made my life unbearable enough,because I can´t open my windows when I need at all.It´s a nightmare,especially in the summer when being without open windows seems to be impossible by all means.I bought 3 ventilators to survive it somehow,but it doesn´t help too much.Nothing works as for the person who lives one floor below.On the top of that she is really bad.Every time I say something,she tries to hurt me some way.Once she even called police,because I complained about her smoking.I couldn´t breathe in the flat at all!Another one neighbour living on the left is the same,she is her friend and when they start to smoke together,it may last until morning mostly,because no one of them doesn´t work anymore.If my beloved Jan would have been alive,they couldn´t do it anymore.Living alone is very hard.I also have no close family.I sometimes have to bring heavy bags that causes me terrible back pains then,so I must be careful all the more.Only those people who live all alone as we do,may understand how it feels.A woman,living alone,without a family,with medical issues and on the top of that grieving so much!It´s very hard.Isn´t it?I do know!

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Send you hugs from the heart!

    With love Janka

Janka:  Oh the smoking!  That would be the worst.  I live alone but out in the country, and, although I used to treasure the peace, without John here it has changed from wonderful to painful most of the time.  I don't know which would be worse, neighbors or none at all.  But, I think that neighbors like you're talking about would definitely be worse.  My heart goes out to you.  But really, the actually living alone after having a partner is the worst of all.  Don't know if I'll ever get used to it.  There are so many little things.  Yes, you do just go on and put aside all the painful little things, but that gets tiring and every once in a while I just stop and realize how hard I'm working at trying not to hurt at every little turn in this house.  I hope for change in the future.....I've thought about roommates but can't get motivated for that right now; that sounds like a lot of work too.  I do love being outdoors and living in a place like this certainly affords me that opportunity...just walk out the door and the beautiful woods are all around.  It's the going back in that is deadly.....love to you all, Cookie

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12 minutes ago, Cookie said:

Janka:  Oh the smoking!  That would be the worst.  I live alone but out in the country, and, although I used to treasure the peace, without John here it has changed from wonderful to painful most of the time.  I don't know which would be worse, neighbors or none at all.  But, I think that neighbors like you're talking about would definitely be worse.  My heart goes out to you.  But really, the actually living alone after having a partner is the worst of all.  Don't know if I'll ever get used to it.  There are so many little things.  Yes, you do just go on and put aside all the painful little things, but that gets tiring and every once in a while I just stop and realize how hard I'm working at trying not to hurt at every little turn in this house.  I hope for change in the future.....I've thought about roommates but can't get motivated for that right now; that sounds like a lot of work too.  I do love being outdoors and living in a place like this certainly affords me that opportunity...just walk out the door and the beautiful woods are all around.  It's the going back in that is deadly.....love to you all, Cookie

My dear Cookie!

So nice to hear from you again!All of my best friends are non-smokers as well as myself,except one of them,but he started using e-cigarettes.They contain the nicotine but don´t make the smoke and bad smell.It´s pleasant to me,especially a peach one.He uses many fruit types...:lol:...Almost everyone around smokes...at the tram stop,although it´s forbidden already...in the restaurants too,however our neighbours-Czech people made a right decision,so they can´t smoke inside anymore...Most of them are very reckless and throw away the cigarettes wherever they are,in the grass too...:o...My father had died because of smoking many years ago...I was only 22 y.o. when I saw him dying in front of me in the hospital,because he couldn´t breathe anymore...People devastate this beautiful planet...I live in the capital,so there is too much smog,dust,smoke and noise too...Me and my beloved Jan used to go up in the mountains because of the beautiful nature and such fresh air all around...I admire that you can live at such beautiful place and I also miss the peace over there so much...I´d like to live there but there is no place to work...Send you a few pics of the magical place I like the most...we used to go there every year...It also was the last place that me and my beloved one were at...It was the autumn,full of wonderful colours and we were the happiest on there...As for my back pain,it comes back whenever I bring something heavier in my hands,since I have no car anymore...My beloved Jan would have not allowed me to bring something so heavy at all.He always helped me with everything,housework as well...he was the best...:wub:

Hugs from Janka

 

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My dear Janka,

It is so beautiful in Slovakia; and such antiquity. I’m guessing Bratislava has many plazas. I adored the plazas everywhere I went. In the evening I would walk until I found a street musician I wanted to listen too and then I’d find the closest outdoor cafè and listen for hours while I dined. 

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Dear Janka, I've not been in Slovakia, but it looks very beautiful from your pictures.

Keep the memories close to your heart. 

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9 hours ago, scba said:

Dear Janka, I've not been in Slovakia, but it looks very beautiful from your pictures.

Keep the memories close to your heart. 

Dear Ana!

So nice to hear from you!We had the 1st snow in the 29th of November.Everything is white since then.The weather is cold,it´s -5°C tonight,but sky was blue and sunny by day.I love this kind of weather and still hope in white Christmas as we´ve had it rarely those last years.Me and one of my best friends started with winter walks in the nature,so it´s a pleasant change for me and I finally can sleep better again.

Thanks for all of your responses to my post and so nice songs of my favourite singers!It made me very happy.

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Hugs from Janka

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On ‎11‎/‎29‎/‎2017 at 3:01 PM, Janka said:

My dear Cookie!

So nice to hear from you again!All of my best friends are non-smokers as well as myself,except one of them,but he started using e-cigarettes.They contain the nicotine but don´t make the smoke and bad smell.It´s pleasant to me,especially a peach one.He uses many fruit types...:lol:...Almost everyone around smokes...at the tram stop,although it´s forbidden already...in the restaurants too,however our neighbours-Czech people made a right decision,so they can´t smoke inside anymore...Most of them are very reckless and throw away the cigarettes wherever they are,in the grass too...:o...My father had died because of smoking many years ago...I was only 22 y.o. when I saw him dying in front of me in the hospital,because he couldn´t breathe anymore...People devastate this beautiful planet...I live in the capital,so there is too much smog,dust,smoke and noise too...Me and my beloved Jan used to go up in the mountains because of the beautiful nature and such fresh air all around...I admire that you can live at such beautiful place and I also miss the peace over there so much...I´d like to live there but there is no place to work...Send you a few pics of the magical place I like the most...we used to go there every year...It also was the last place that me and my beloved one were at...It was the autumn,full of wonderful colours and we were the happiest on there...As for my back pain,it comes back whenever I bring something heavier in my hands,since I have no car anymore...My beloved Jan would have not allowed me to bring something so heavy at all.He always helped me with everything,housework as well...he was the best...:wub:

Hugs from Janka

 

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Janka:  The pictures are so beautiful.  It's true that in the most beautiful places like the mountains, you definitely sacrifice in terms of employment.  I was lucky enough to work at home as a transcriptionist and John was an 8th grade math teacher, so we were able to live here.  John also was always helping me, like your Jan, even though back then I always wanted to do things myself.  I certainly miss having someone in my life like that now because I realize it was his way of showing his love.  So, how close to those beautiful mountains do you live?  Do you still go at all?  I hate seeing people smoke...something that you have control over and the consequences can be so devastating, as you well know...take care, Cookie

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Such beauty in those places!

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