Jump to content

Recommended Posts

It will soon be 18 months since I last hugged my husband.  I didn't know that the day was going to end with me being told that my husband of 35+ years had ended his life.  

I still am shocked that he killed himself.  I had no clue.  Nothing prepared me for what I was being told.  Too often my brain gets stuck on the why.  No matter what I might think I will never get the answer.  He is keeping it a secret.  

At night when I need to sleep, my brain is like a freshly wound toy.  It's going so fast that it's flipping all over the place.  I don't seem to finish one thought before another is jumping in my brain.  I need to quiet my brain but the more I try the worse it feels.  I have so many questions that need answers.  

In my rational mind I know that I can not keep torturing myself with questions.  I wonder about what went wrong, why he didn't talk to me about what was wrong, would I have been able to fix 'it', could I have stopped him, were there signs I missed, why didn't I know?  Was it something I did or was it something I didn't do?  I procrastinate and ruminate every time I have to decide something and then I second guess every decision I do make.  My brain is working overtime.  As I said I know that my actions are not in my best interest but how do I make myself stop?  And thus another question to chew on, to digest each molecule, and to hope and trust that the outcome is right...

Two days ago I opened my husband's cremains to add to his father's and mother's cremains for spreading by his siblings.  They have no idea of the pain I endured opening that bag.  As with most things I must do I was alone.  Tears were streaming down my cheeks as my hands became covered in the ashes of all that remains of my husband.  I am not included in their ceremony.  I am not family.  This also causes me to question myself and to feel deeply alone.  I can not tell my adult son how poorly his aunts and uncles treat me.  He needs to feel like part of a family, something I do not have to give him.  I am filled with a sadness too deep to measure.  

It is nearly 3:00 am and my brain is still spinning and jumping.  I will be awake for hours yet, until my brain slowly winds down and sleep softens my heart ?

P1090534.JPG

  • Upvote 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Marita,

You are too kind to his family, just saying, if it was me, I would be keeping the ashes, you are his widow!  Usually we don't like the term widow, but to me it has an elevated status of position along with wife.  You were his chosen...wife in life, widow in death.  Regardless, #1.  There are places that create diamonds from our deceased's ashes, I would have that done, they can have the rest, and honestly, you are being kind in giving any ashes to them, they are yours to do with as you will.  Keep a thimbleful in a glass container, yours to look at if you want, but there with you.

I'm sorry you are forced to go through all of this alone.  I live my life alone and it is hard enough without the things you are facing alone.  My heart goes out to you and I hope you feel the hugs I am sending to you!

  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That is so awful, how are you not family, you are still his wife ffs.i don't  understand how some people can be so cruel.My grandpa lost my grandma to suicide when I was ten, and he was absolutely devastated.I'm sorry you have to go through this alone, you shouldn't have to!.

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When my husband died (he was 2nd oldest of 11 kids, one had previously died and so had his mom, all but one lived within driving distance), his own dad and most of his sisters/brothers did not come to the service!  Only one sister and two brothers made it, and they'd even offered a ride to his dad!  I didn't hear from them again except one brother who was in prison who asked for his coin collection.  He no longer had the coin collection, but if he'd had it, I sure could have used it to help pay the medical bills that were pouring in!  My sister paid for the cremation, I was broke.  We hadn't expected any of this!  I wrote his brother back and told him he was welcome to some hospital bills if he wanted something to remember him by.  It got me that he was money-grubbing yet not a one of them cared how I was doing at all, and I was the most important thing in George's life!  Never heard from any of them again except a year later his dad called badmouthing him.  I reminded him how George used to drive the two hours to visit him and play cards with him.  I told him to call me back when he had something nice to say.  Apparently he never did.

I don't get how "family" ceases to be family when they die.  Don't get it at all.  But I guess some just put up with you because they're married to you, and when they're gone, they no longer choose to.  Very strange.  But we don't get to pick our families, we just try our best to deal with them in a way that's healthy for us.  We have to consider what is best for us and not put up with their bullxxxx, you know?  

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tomorrow marks 20 months.  How can that be right?

I still have not found the quiet I need for my brain.  As one 'thing' becomes almost taken care of a new 'thing' flies into my face.  I don't want to believe that this is what my life has become and will continue to be.  I don't want to go on in this agonizing game of survival of the widow.  I want to feel alive, feel like there is some kind of satisfying future for me.

My heart feels for others who also find themselves in a similar situation.  I can cry for them, their losses and feel some release from that pain.  My heart goes out to anyone who is suffering and I try to help where I can.  I'm not good or special, I just am me.  

I miss my husband and I miss me.  I miss my old life.  I miss having the luxury of quiet in my brain.

Just my ramblings for today.  I have no one else to talk to so I come here to try to unburden my brain.

IMG_2929.JPG

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Marita,

I understand. I just past 30 months myself.  This past month has been challenging, dark, and contemplative. There is no need in stating the obvious.  I wish we could heal and take away each others pain. Sometimes life is just difficult to endure. 

My hope is that tomorrow brings a new day with new Grace. Sometimes, all we can do is hold on to this grief ride and see where this journey takes us. 

I am usually an optimist but my days are not perfect.  I know there is a purpose and a plan but I don't know what that is.  My confidence, hope, and refuge is in Jesus Christ.  I am weak and He is strong. My prayer for you is that God will grant you His Peace (Shalom), George <<hugs>>  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Marita,

My heart goes out to you...that poem expresses it.  I try not to go there (the wishing), it's too painful to contemplate and know it's not mine to wish.  Just to get through today is all I can hope for, and that is enough.  Today, yesterday, tomorrow, the fires in Oregon burn everywhere, with it we are breathing extreme smoke, super threatening, nowhere to escape to, hunkered down in our homes, those of us without A/C, hot and miserable.  I pray only that one day turns into another and we make it through this month.  Soon winter will be upon us and our worries will be different ones, how to deal with the cold and the snow.  Yes, this is my life right now, not of my making, not of my choosing.  The fact that I don't have George by my side to face these struggles and challenges with makes it all the harder.  All I know to do is keep going.  
 

12 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

My confidence, hope, and refuge is in Jesus Christ.

I'm with you, praying...

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My brain is too noisy again. 

The thoughts I'm having are not happy ones. 

There is nothing I can do about my grief nor can I solve the problems of the world.

I will feel this way until I feel differently.  Nothing stays exactly the same.  The waves of grief are sometimes unbearable and other times they are tolerable.  I hope when the next less strong wave comes that the peace might will last a little longer.

For a while now I have been feeling very sorry for myself and then I feel guilty about it.  The guilt feeds the depression and the anxiety.  It's a circle that is pulling me down.  I have to be strong for my son; yet I am feeling so broken.  

Feeling numb for a short time might be good.  How can a person give their brain a time out?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Marita,

I have the anxiety as well and it's easy to feel the way you're feeling when we're bombarded on every side with news of catastrophes.  We feel helpless hearing about so much devastation that we can do nothing about.  We can pray, donate to the cause, but still, we feel bad, and we feel helpless.  It can also leave you feeling like "When is something else going to hit?!"  

My anxiety isn't going away, it's a lifelong condition, the best I can do is deal with it as best as I can.  I take a low dose safe medication (Buspar/Burpirone) and will the rest of my life.  It doesn't totally alleviate it, but it doesn't leave me feeling like a zombie either, it's a compromise I guess, and I am left with what is leftover that the medication doesn't take care of.  I can try prayer, meditation, positive thoughts, soothing music, scents (I'm told lavender works well for calming but unfortunately I don't like the smell).  I walk twice a day every day, and I spend time with my dog and cat.  Not sure my cat relieves stress but the dog does.  Still, there's a certain amount I am left with.  Grief doesn't help calm anxious people, it seems to be one of the side effects, so if you have GAD anyway, figure on it affecting you.  Some days/nights are a struggle, but most of the time I do pretty well, if only my brain came with an "off" switch.  (Maybe that would be one of those medications I refuse to take.)

I do find this helpful:  (At least I haven't had a full blown anxiety attack in a few years)
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/07/anxiety-attacks-in-grief-tools-for.html

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you @MartyT and @kayc.

I do some guided imagery when I can Marty  When my brain is ruminating over and over I find it nearly impossible to break the pattern long enough to try to focus on an image.  I haven't given up on it, but I would love a backup plan.

Kay you understand the anxiety and I appreciate what you have shared.  I am on Wellbutrin and Paxil with an option to use Ativan as needed.  I try to avoid the Ativan because of previous addiction to Valium.  Unfortunately, I think my system has built up a tolerance to the Paxil and I am on the maximum dosage.  I'm hoping that maybe I can talk to my doctor soon about an increase in the Wellbutrin and see if that might take some of the edge off.

Moment by moment, or day by day, I am doing the best I can.  It just isn't easy without my rock.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The doctor prescribed Valium for me at first but I demanded the Buspirone because the Valium is addictive, made me way too sleepy for a long commute or even doing my job, and didn't help my disposition any!  I hope you find the combination that works for you!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×