kayc Posted July 27, 2017 Report Share Posted July 27, 2017 Gosh, I count myself lucky, my cat (40 years ago, my others went through it before I got them) slept a few hours and that was it. I'm glad she's getting better! The cone is probably annoying to her. I opt for Lena deciding! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 28, 2017 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 I called and asked the vet's office how this decision was to made and by whom. They said that if Lena showed signs of wanting to scratch at it, it was too soon because not enough time has passed for it to heal and she could infect it. You can even see from this photo that she is holding the one ear back. It also twitches frequently...because it itches, I guess. Anyway, she is coping with it a little better. She can walk around and get on and off a chair. But usually she asks me to pick her up, bring her food bowl to her, and so on. And she is still sleeping most of the time. Isn't she adorable? Even with the cone... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 28, 2017 Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 Yes she is adorable. I wish I was better at taking pictures. Whenever I get the camera out, they move or change their expression. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 28, 2017 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 3 hours ago, kayc said: Yes she is adorable. I wish I was better at taking pictures. Whenever I get the camera out, they move or change their expression. During the filming of Lena's movie, I was asked frequently how I had trained her. I realized that without realizing it, the first "trick" she learned was to be photogenic. I would say "tuna" and "chicken" over and over while preparing or serving these foods and as she learned to associate the word sounds with her favorite foods, she would look straight at me. So when I take a picture of her I get everything ready, say "chicken" and get a great shot of her. I went from hit-or-miss photos to getting great shots most of the time with only that... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 29, 2017 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2017 So, the vet's office said it would be best to wait to remove the cone collar until the scab fell off, but didn't say how long that might be. I asked my retired vet friend Paula and she said two weeks. Wow-that's a lot longer than 3-5 days! I looked online and found tons of stories from people who removed the cone too soon and kitty pulled out the stitches and/or scratched the surgery site, which resulted in a nasty infection. Paula said, "I saw this happen all the time. Needless repeat surgeries and more $$$" So on it stays... Meanwhile we wait for the results of the biopsy and I am trying to not think about the possibility that the mass that was removed would be malignant. The vet doesn't think it is, but it will be good to know for sure... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 31, 2017 Report Share Posted July 31, 2017 Oh, poor Lena! The good thing is, once it is removed, it will be over and forgotten to her, and she'll just be happy to have it off. I don't remember the dreaded cone being on that long with my cat, Taffy, but 40 years can dim one's memory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted August 1, 2017 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2017 I got the results of the biopsy back from the vet and the "mass" that was removed from her ear was a mast cell tumor. The vet told me that this was probably a "best-case-scenario" for bad news, because this type of tumor is very unlikely to metastasize. She consulted with a veterinary oncologist after talking to the pathologist in the lab. The pathologist said that there were a few cells that went all the way to the edge of the sample, but since the vet cauterized the surgery would rather than suturing it, it is most likely that any cells that might have remained would have been killed by the cauterizing. The recommendation of the vet and oncologist is to to three month checkups for awhile to make sure it stays gone. They believe that this is a safe course because the location of the tumor is so visible, any regrowth would be immediately obvious. If they went the more aggressive route, that would mean another surgery right away that would remove a more obvious piece of her ear and probably be unnecessary. My friend Paula, who retired recently as a vet after many years of experience said, "I totally agree". I am hoping for the best, and am very glad I decided to purchase health insurance for Lena in March. I have made remarks about how odd it seems that Lena has better health insurance than I do, but as it turns out, this is good because she is the one who needs it right now! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 1, 2017 Report Share Posted August 1, 2017 If her insurance pays anything it is better than mine. I'm glad for the news and hope and pray it stays gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted August 1, 2017 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2017 2 hours ago, kayc said: If her insurance pays anything it is better than mine. I'm glad for the news and hope and pray it stays gone. Thanks! I sure hope it stays gone. The insurance company paid for her bloodwork, and right away. She has well care and accident/illness coverage...the two together are about $48 a month. There is a deductible-I don't remember what it is-not astronomical... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 2, 2017 Report Share Posted August 2, 2017 Isn't that something, when pet insurance in America is better than people insurance?! I'm glad it is in Lena's situation! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted August 3, 2017 Author Report Share Posted August 3, 2017 13 hours ago, kayc said: Isn't that something, when pet insurance in America is better than people insurance?! I'm glad it is in Lena's situation! 'Tis true! Well, Lena has good coverage and so will I starting at the beginning of September. Yay! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted August 16, 2017 Author Report Share Posted August 16, 2017 I have started my new job and all is well, but I miss my dad every day. Nevertheless, I carry him with me. I hear his comments as I go about my day and I know that he is proud of me - that after all I went through I ended up with this great job and am back in the retirement system, with good health insurance, and all that. I have taken to wearing his pocket watch that belonged to his father and was given to my dad as a college graduation gift. I wear it on a beautiful gold chain as a necklace. I think he would like that. I have also been driving his old Mercury Grand Marquis much more than my Corolla; it's like having him drive me to work while we both lounge on the sofa. Today I found out the brakes need a repair that is about $1000, and his commend was, "You have to fix the brakes...you'll figure out where to find the money". I am getting close to getting his estate closed and settled. That means paying the final bills, running it past my sisters and hoping they don't make waves, and all that. For some reason I feel suddenly filled with anxiety and grief - more than before. Maybe that makes sense; I don't know. Lena has been extra sweet and companionable. I sure love that cat...I don't know how I would have gotten through any of this without her. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 16, 2017 Report Share Posted August 16, 2017 Laura, Maybe instead of getting the brakes fixed at a repair shop you can ask around and find a backyard mechanic, my son says the brakes are easy to work on, if you lived here, he'd do them for you. They charge way more at shops. I used to have a Grand Marquis LS, I loved that car, I remember the day so well that George and I fell in love with it. I'm so glad about the job and all of the benefits! We can do different things in our 20s but in our 50s we really need that steady job with great benefits! I'm glad you're getting close to settling the estate and I hope your sisters don't give you grief. I'm glad you have your Lena, I know how precious that support is to you, it's how I feel about my Arlie. Even Kitty, as grumpy and demanding as she is, I wouldn't want to do without her. I came close a week or so ago, it scared me. I was so glad when she woke up demanding and grumpy! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted August 17, 2017 Author Report Share Posted August 17, 2017 So...one sister, S, wants the money ASAP - like overnight mailing of docs - and the other sister, D, wants an accounting of exactly where the money went. She said that she is "just curious". That is their legal right, but it would take me some time to pull that together. I was keeping careful track of that before I had a car accident and a head injury, but after that I just did what I had to do and tried to survive. I told D to talk to S. We'll see how D's "curiosity" balances out with her concern for her sisters. S is really in a jam and D is comfortable financially with her new husband. She wanted to know if I couldn't just write S a check and settle it later. The attorney advised me against this sort of thing a long time ago, telling me that it was really in my best interest to leave enough money intact so that everyone would just agree so that they could get their money rather than nitpicking in a way that causes a significant delay. I feel like my head is going to explode. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted August 18, 2017 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2017 I think maybe what I should do is create a spreadsheet with estimates that are fairly close to give them an idea of where the money went and tell them that if they need exact numbers to the penny I can do that but it will take awhile... I really want to be done with this, and probably they do as well 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 18, 2017 Report Share Posted August 18, 2017 I would explain to them just what you've said. Honestly, settling an estate is a headache few would want and I would think they'd be appreciative of everything you've done. That said, they haven't done this, so they can't possibly understand how difficult and complicated it's all been. When my brother settled my mom's estate, he gave none of us an accounting of anything, not even an inkling. We never demanded it, we knew this had all been a thankless job that in addition to raising his family and working three jobs was very very difficult. We appreciated everything he'd done for my mom. Maybe there was something left over and he got it...he earned it. I do wish he'd seen fit to share an item or two with each of us to remember her by, but quite honestly, I've lived into my sixties without having these things and I can continue to do so...I have memories, they will have to suffice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted August 18, 2017 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2017 I went through the checkbook I have been using to pay his expenses and my recollections of everything else and put this all in a spreadsheet, which I emailed to both of them. Since S has a broken computer and cannot access Excel, I also printed it out, took a photo with my cell phone and texted that to both of them as well, with an explanation that if they want an exact detailed accounting it is going to take some time - hint-a LONG time - because basically I don't want to do it and don't really have the time. I would have kept more careful records all along had I not had a head injury, but I did. It's just the reality that the person handling the estate had a head injury and marginal functioning for a long time. Anyway, they both agreed to just accept that and keep things moving along. This is sort of a compromise - and one that is reasonable for everyone. They get some information, S can get her check right away, and I am released from my responsibilities on this. Big relief. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted August 18, 2017 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2017 7 hours ago, kayc said: I would explain to them just what you've said. Honestly, settling an estate is a headache few would want and I would think they'd be appreciative of everything you've done. That said, they haven't done this, so they can't possibly understand how difficult and complicated it's all been. D sent a message to S and I that said "This is fine". Then she sent another message saying, "$(random amount-don't know where she got the number) seems like so much money to empty a small home." In case anyone wondered why D wasn't selected to handle the estate, I believed I was handling an estate and she thought my job was to "empty a small home." It made me really angry.During my father's last years, everyone and their brother told me that Daddy should be in assisted living, with sister D being on the top of the list of these unsolicited advisors. I did everything possible to make sure that he lived at home until the end because that was what he wanted, no matter what kind of chaos that created in his house, my house, and my health. Early on several people (in hospice and residential facilities) advised me that had we gone with assisted living, there would be no money left to squabble over - it would all be gone. Since I had endeavored to keep him at home, there was money left. I was advised that we should all view that money as a bonus that I had earned, and I passed that opinion along to my sisters. They had little response to that, and now D seems to have completely forgotten it. This is a woman with a lifelong "princess" mentality...aka narcissistic entitlement. I don't know why I should expect anything different from her. I should keep reminding myself that my sisters both function like adolescents and that she is just slinging mud. This seems like a very provocative comment. I did not respond to it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted August 19, 2017 Author Report Share Posted August 19, 2017 Then things got worse. D sent me some messages advising me (after looking at the numbers I sent to her) that I had grossly mishandled the estate's funds, using numbers that are not connected to reality. She also said that it was too much money to "empty a small home". This is what she knows about settling an estate. I suppose that had she been named the executor she probably would have hired an estate sales business to liquidate everything. But that clearly was not what my father wanted. After about two minutes, I realized that she has used the numbers I gave her to consult with her new husband, who is an attorney in another state in another specialty of law. I wrote her back with the old quote, "Free legal advice isn't worth what you pay for it" and the fact that lawyers specialize within their area and state and typically know very little about other states and specialties. (I learned this from our dad, but apparently she wasn't listening). I also told her that I have been consulting all along with an attorney (and paying her) who specializes in will, estate, and trust law in Arizona, and she has assured me all along that what I am doing is entirely correct and legal. I concluded by telling her that it is entirely her legal right to challenge the handling of the estate, but it will be ugly, expensive, and time consuming. Furthermore, the person that will hurt the most is our other sister, who is in desperate need. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted August 19, 2017 Report Share Posted August 19, 2017 Good for you. It's amazing how your sister D has such great insight after the fact that the job is already done. Too bad all of that knowledge, advice, and expertise didn't kick in and help you do all the work she now deems as worthless.... Your sister D struck a nerve. My sister is acting strange and has unreasonable expectations based on her "perception" of how things are "supposed to be"... i.e... helping her relieve her burdens. Meanwhile my Dad informs me that I wasn't married and didn't have a family because we were unable to have children.. i.e... my sister gets the house because she has children and grandchildren. ( He has told me this four times now). Yeah, and we were all told that we have a close, loving, and tight-knit family.) Stick to your plan. Shalom 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted August 19, 2017 Report Share Posted August 19, 2017 I'm so sorry, Laura. Perhaps it would be better for you to ask your attorney to handle any further communication about the estate with your sisters, and let her be the one to speak with them on your behalf. No matter what you say in your own defense, your word will never be enough to satisfy them, and you always will be the bad guy "who grossly mishandled the estate." The more you can remove yourself from this situation and keep yourself at a distance from your sisters, the better. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted August 19, 2017 Author Report Share Posted August 19, 2017 The attorney will send them the release letters; if they sign and return them they release me from my obligations and there is nothing more to say. If D balks or fights, S will be delayed in getting her money and she is sounding pretty desperate. I told S that she should talk to D and advocate for herself - to persuade D to accept the status and hurry it up. S's response was basically "Why me?" Why wouldn't I fight D for her and get D to do what S wants without her having to be involved in anything unpleasant? It's really hard to figure which one of them is worse. D is so icky, and challenging me with a bunch of fabricated mumbo jumbo. And S always talking about she is a "Beta" personality and hates conflict; that means someone else should fight her battles for her and make sure she gets what she wants without getting her hands dirty. Both of them are really adolescents, in spite of their ages. I think you're probably right, Marty. I should stop responding and reacting to them. The attorney will send the release letters. If she gets them back, the money will be disbursed and it will all be over. If D won't sign, and S is that desperate, S should take it up with D herself. If D doesn't like being pushed to do this quickly, she should take it up with S for pushing and stop taking pot shots at me. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 19, 2017 Report Share Posted August 19, 2017 I'd have them direct any further correspondence to the estate attorney and remind them this will lessen the amount left for each of them. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted August 19, 2017 Author Report Share Posted August 19, 2017 4 hours ago, kayc said: I'd have them direct any further correspondence to the estate attorney and remind them this will lessen the amount left for each of them. I know from my experience with the attorney that she only wants to communicate with me, since as the executor of the estate she is essentially working for me. If my sister hires an attorney, then she can talk to that attorney. What I did is remind D that I am working for the estate and anything I do in that capacity, including communicate with her, is something that she and S and I are paying $40/hour for. Since D gets 17% and S gets 33%, that means that they pay respectively $6.80 and $13.20 per hour to me to quibble, argue, and take pot shots. If I need to consult with the attorney on dealing with them, the estate will pay $235 per hour for her time as well as $40 per hour of my time for us to discuss what to do, and then $40 per hour for me to do whatever is agreed upon. I asked her to leave me alone, as I find it extremely stressful to be in the middle of her nastiness and S's pressure to get her the money ASAP. I really don't think the S, who is extremely financially challenged, wants to pay $13.20 per hour for me to respond to D's derogatory criticism. I am hoping that D and her husband who is an attorney in Delaware doing corporate work for a drug company are able to get some clarity. I have done nothing wrong. I told D that the person she is really hurting is S. I also told her that if she wants to blow off steam she should do it with someone else. Not me. I think D's real problem is that she is only getting 17% of the estate and she got a similar amount of the life insurance money. She went to my father in 2007 and told him she was eager to leave her first husband. (After the money ran out she realized he was a sociopath). She told my dad that if he would buy her a house, she would buy it back when she and her ex sold their house (as in mansion) and the related 5 lots. She neglected to tell him that they had refinanced the house and four of the lots to pull out the equity more than once and therefore it was under water. Eventually the fifth lot sold but it was separate so the bank could not access the money for the bad loan. The money went to D and her ex. D spent her part on a sports car, posted it on Facebook but pulled the photo when she realized our father had access to Facebook. Meanwhile, she was not paying the rent she had agreed on with my dad - the amount of the mortgage. She paid it when she could and felt like it. By the time it was all over and my dad was able to sell the house because she had moved to Delaware to be with her current husband, he had laid out over $120,000 on that house. He found out that she had moved and the house had become essentially a crash-pad for her youngest daughter to live in unsupervised by the grapevine and not because she told him. So she got less in the end from the estate. S still got a third, and I got half of the estate because I had taken care of him for ten years. The truth is that all things considered, D probably got the most money of the three of us. But she doesn't see it like that and is disgruntled. Legally, it doesn't really matter why he decided to leave her with less. It was his prerogative and he made his own decisions. I think that one the years he was increasingly saddened by the reality that he hardly ever heard from either of them unless they needed money. By the end he was saying that he was going to leave me everything. I thought that would cause even more problems and I kept telling him, "No, you're not". I was a little worried, but realized that at that point that he would be unlikely to do that unless I made the appointment with the attorney, reminded him, and took him there. I think my sisters are lucky to get what they are getting, but as a psychotherapist friend keeps reminding me they are both extreme narcissists and it is what I should expect. Meanwhile, I miss my dad every day. I have been wearing his pocket watch every day - it was his father's and a college graduation present to my dad. It helps me feel closer to him. The crystal came off one day this week and I panicked, but was able to find it and get it cemented back on. I also have a photo of him in my office that reminds me of all the things I learned from him that have helped me in my career. I wish he was with me now. He probably is, but I am too upset to hear him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted August 19, 2017 Report Share Posted August 19, 2017 Just remember, dear Laura, that your sisters cannot make you feel guilty ~ or any other feeling ~ without your consent. I hope you will find a way to stop feeling the need to explain and defend yourself. You did what you thought is right, and what would honor your father's wishes. You did your best, and I hope you can let that be enough. One way or another, your sisters will find a way to live with that ~ and if they cannot, then I hope you can let it be their problem, not yours. ♥ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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