The Silence

[Gwenivere]

Used to be our TV was only on when we wanted to watch something either alone or together.  I never turn it on during the day but now have it on as background at night.  I never realized all the commercials for drugs, medical conditions, things I shouldn't be able to live without and all the happy people.  Even finding shows that are innocuous enough to basically ignore but keep the silence at bay is tough.  I'm usually on the iPad I never needed or reading, but I catch things as the shows roll by or an old movie.  Silence never bothered me before when Steve was around.  So now I am often torn.  Often I mute it so I don't want to smash it.  This is not a small adjustment.  I never knew how hard it would be to fill the long nights.  I wish I had an interest or hobby, but the depression has squashed that out of me.  I can't concentrate or even care about novels which I so looked forward to.  Never enough time before I had to fix dinner or something.  Another thin that has become a chore rather than enjoyable.  Thoughts in my head and there they stay.   

So, this is my new roommate.   Not warm or interactive.  Intensifies the loneliness, but I can't take the silence either.  

Nothing replacees our human being that made everything OK by thier very existence as we did theirs.  I so want to matter to that one person more than anyone in the world.   He still does to me.  

Really didn't warrant a new topic, but didn't know where to put the thoughts.

 

[Cookie]

Just now, Gwenivere said:

Used to be our TV was only on when we wanted to watch something either alone or together.  I never turn it on during the day but now have it on as background at night.  I never realized all the commercials for drugs, medical conditions, things I shouldn't be able to live without and all the happy people.  Even finding shows that are innocuous enough to basically ignore but keep the silence at bay is tough.  I'm usually on the iPad I never needed or reading, but I catch things as the shows roll by or an old movie.  Silence never bothered me before when Steve was around.  So now I am often torn.  Often I mute it so I don't want to smash it.  This is not a small adjustment.  I never knew how hard it would be to fill the long nights.  I wish I had an interest or hobby, but the depression has squashed that out of me.  I can't concentrate or even care about novels which I so looked forward to.  Never enough time before I had to fix dinner or something.  Another thin that has become a chore rather than enjoyable.  Trouts inm my head and there they stay.   

So, this is my new roommate.   Not warm or interactive.  Intensifies the loneliness, but I can't take the silence either.  

Nothing replacees our human being that made everything OK by thier very existence as we did theirs.  I so want to matter to that one person more than anyone in the world.   He still does to me.  

Really didn't warrant a new topic, but didn't know where to put the thoughts.

 

Gwenivere:  As usual, I see myself in your words.  I, too, am a different person.  I used to love alone time, treasured it sometimes.  Now, I hate being here alone, hate coming home half the time, feel such sorrow when I'm here.  I see him everywhere, but, of course, nowhere....and just miss him so darn much; it still hurts terribly.  I do best when I'm busy, but it seems that I do a lot of busy type things and nothing that I can really sink my teeth into.  I would like to have something like that now, something with meaning, but don't know how to get it again.  I also watch more TV now that John is gone.  It's hard when you're older I think.  I'm 67 and have already done school, job; I was looking forward to retirement with John and that was going to be the next chapter.  After 2 years, I'm still trying to figure out what the next chapter is going to be....keep hoping it will come to me from some of the things I try.  Hugs to you and all out there, Cookie

[scba]

It is sunday and my tv is on and loud since 1pm.

I have just watched "Jackie". So many things to reflect on.

 I turn on the radio when I go to bed.

I don't like silence.

I understand.

[mittam99]

17 minutes ago, Cookie said:

After 2 years, I'm still trying to figure out what the next chapter is going to be....keep hoping it will come to me from some of the things I try.  Hugs to you and all out there, Cookie

I think we're all there Cookie. This isn't how "it was supposed to be". We all wanted to grow old together in the twilight of our years.

In my life, I met Tammy back in 1999 and 3 year old Katie was part of the package. Instant family so to speak. When Katie left at 18 to go to college in Illinois and live with her grandmother, it was supposed to be me and Tammy alone time, finally... 

Sadly, Tammy was mostly very sick during that time and 9 months later my heart was broken into a million pieces. My Tammy, the love if my life, was gone and my life and all our plans were forever changed.

Life as I knew it was gone, too. Replaced by the sadness of grief.

[Gin]

Gwen,

The silence is deafening in my house, also.  Don't watch much, but the tvs (multiple) are on in at least 2 rooms.  Most nights the bedroom one is on all night.  Can not adjust to not being with Al.  I will be 78 this month and everything is so much harder.  Went grocery shopping today and it was so hard lugging it all in.  The days asu well as the nights seem interminable.  Very little communication with anyone.  Oh how I miss the regular things we did.  Just sitting together, eating, talking.

[KarenK]

Although my son and grandson are living here now, I am still basically alone. They spend their time in the front part of the house, while I am in the back. We don't sit down to meals together. My TV goes on as soon as I get up, sometimes just to kill the boredom. The house is no longer filled with silence, nor is it filled with laughter and meaningful conversation. At least the dogs are nearby always ready with a sloppy kiss.

[Marie Lee]

Oh Gwen.. The silence is deafening isn't it? 

Nothing replaces our loves..

Hugs, Marie

[TomPB]

Same here. Even things I'd do entirely by myself are different without her presence. 

[kayc]

I rarely turn the tv on during the day, I usually have things to do, places to go, but in the evening I watch tv or read, that is my time to unwind, relax.  I guess I am used to the silence.  Even my dog is pretty quiet although he does have a high vocabulary because I talk to him so much.  

The times that are the hardest for me in realizing how alone I am are when something happens, something I need to talk over with him, and holidays.  I am facing 4th of July alone again.  It's a time when families are together.  Not mine, not anymore.

[Eagle-96]

I keep the TV on all night. I need the distraction as it's the silence that scares me. The darkness and the silence. 

Kay, those times are tough for me too. Hearing news and wanting to tell Lori, only to realize she isn't here. I came home from work the other day and pulled into the garage. I saw Lori's car and my first thought was, "oh good, Lori's home" then it hit me like we all know and I just sat there. 

[kevin]

My TV is always on.......when its for "nothing" one of the repeating news stations......lots of Netflix.......... 

[Gwenivere]

Kevin, I don't know how you take constant news.  This is a time I wish I did have streaming of Netflix.  I'd look into it, but it seems another monumental project and I'm burnt out.

had to cancel my volunteering today because my home alarm needs a new battery on a wireless sensor and every time I've attempted to fix it it doesn't work.  I really depend on routine to get me thru, so this has me taking more meds just to keep it together.  Another thing Steve would handle while I did my thing.  It never ends.

[mittam99]

Gwen, if you have Wi-Fi, get a Roku streaming stick. Setup is simple, really. It plugs into the back of your TV and will let you stream 100's of free channels. And of course you can stream pay channels like Netflix, Amazon, Hulu, etc. as well. Best $49 I've spent on entertainment. Netflix is around $9 a month and is really outstanding. Tons of original programming, movies and tv shows without commercials. Signing up takes about 5 minutes.

I've cut the cord with cable to lower my bill and pretty much only stream and watch local TV.

I also generally try to avoid the news... it's just too depressing.

[Gwenivere]

Thanks, Mitch, but I have a very old large screen TV that uses cords with plug ins, no HDMI ports like the newer ones.  When it needs to be changed out it's going to require standard plugs to the DVR, DVD and stereo and the HDMI for the TV.  Gawd, no commercials?  Sounds like heaven!

[kevin]

Gwen , what size is your computer screen?............you can use that for NetFlix, and as Mitch says, best $9 month ever spent.....

[mittam99]

Good point about the computer Kevin.

And Gwen, you even stream Netflix to your tablet or phone with the free Netflix app.

[Gwenivere]

Thanks for the help guys, but if I can't watch things on my TV, I'd rather not.  I like the big screen.  That way I am not tied down.  I'll muddle thru somehow til I can do it without a small device.

[Marie Lee]

Happy ( happy?!) Fourth...

I appreciate the info about Roku and the streaming capabilities... been thinking on that myself. 

Another thing Kev would have attended to. You're so right Gwen.. it never ends....

I was looking for a card for a present and it was in a pile of boxes where some pics of us were...

So, my heart was heavy for most of the day after that...

It truly never ends...

I go out to eat a lot as I cannot get enthused about cooking .. I miss Kev's grilling...

Yes, never ending indeed...

Happy Fourth?

Hugs, Marie

[kayc]

22 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I came home from work the other day and pulled into the garage. I saw Lori's car and my first thought was, "oh good, Lori's home" then it hit me like we all know and I just sat there. 

I was personally glad when it finally sunk in that he was gone so I wouldn't keep getting hit with these rude awakenings, they're very very hard to take, I'm sorry.

 

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I really depend on routine to get me thru, so this has me taking more meds just to keep it together.

Is there anyone that can help you with it, Gwen?  I hate stuff like this but since there's no one but me to do things, it's me or no one.  Sometimes it's hard to realize just how on my own I am!

[Margm]

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury
Signifying nothing.(Macbeth Act 5, Scene 5)

I think that last part hits me the hardest.  "It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

I'm with the people talking Netflix.  The news is something I cannot watch.  

Gotta be strong.  Think I can.  Will find right people to talk to.  

[MartyT]

Marg, my dear, it has been my experience that when you feel powerless and alone, the best thing you can do is to ally yourself with power (just as smaller, weaker countries ally themselves with stronger nations). It seems to me that you might benefit from such an alliance ~ someone to stand beside you and support you through these challenges with your family members ~ as I'm sure your Billy used to do. ♥

[Margm]

I've got to find that alliance.  I'm not sure where to look, but think I know the first place and will try it.  It is so scary having to be strong, but maybe when you have to be strong for someone else, maybe that will provide the impetus.  

[MartyT]

I don't know your town, Marg, but your local public library might be a good place to start. Some libraries have begun programs to connect people with needed social services, as part of their mission in their community. Some cities and towns even have social workers or public health workers within public libraries, and those folks are most familiar with what is available. Your hospital librarian might be another person who could direct you.

[Margm]

We have an excellent, state of the art, public library.  I could name names, but I won't.  He is sort of the historian of this small city, (I have some of his books) and it is a city of about `12,000 to maybe 13,000 people.  I will start my research at this place.  My old mind says "talk to a psychiatrist" but I don't think they can help me with this problem.  I will learn how to do this. Thank 

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Is there anyone that can help you with it, Gwen?  I hate stuff like this but since there's no one but me to do things, it's me or no one.  Sometimes it's hard to realize just how on my own I am!

That's the problem, Kay.   Since my doc quit I have been dangling in the wind and his departure added to the same stress.  It took me weeks to find a shrink to see in early August for med management if I make it that long. Sounds dramatic, but living in this unending entirety is a torture.  I have the meds, I miss the guidance.   He pretty much let me decide the best times to take them, but you want to know there is someone you can contact if only for moral support.  I see the covering APRN tomorrow about some other issues and plan to ask her what I am supposed to do if she cannot handle it (and I already know she can't).  Steve and my doc made me feel safe in the world.  I was covered physically mentally and with someone who loved me.