Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Recommended Posts

TomPB,

I remember well many of the thoughts and feelings you express.  You are still so early on this grief journey. From your point of reference all you can see is what you have seen for the past six months since your beloved wife passed.  The reality of this is that grief just sucks. 

I was helped and reminded by other people here that are further along in their grief journey that in time the intense enormity of grief will lessen and will learn to adapt and move forward each day.  In some ways you  have progressed further than I have.  This grief journey is not a race but a journey.

In the first of the year, a chance (?) encounter meeting a member of this forum at a local regional airport actually rekindled a childhood spark (dream). From that point, I now have something to look forward to besides just grieving my wife.  It is a paradox of both grief and joy co-existing that I never expected or anticipated.  My point is that we never know what tomorrow holds for us.  My joy in learning to fly doesn't wipe out my grief or my wife's death.  It reminds me that I'm still alive and still have a purpose. 

My dream of getting a private pilots license seems so far fetched because of my obesity, my age (62) and my lack of financial resources. Despite all of this I still have a spark of life and joy to pursue my dream.  I starting making healthier food choices and lost 45lbs and hit a stall....  After some research I discovered the Ketogenic Way of living and have lost another 35 lbs.  I still have more to lose but I am healthier, no longer hungry and craving foods, and my body is healing. I am practicing and learning how to flight (simulator) and looking for ways to pay for the training and license.  

My point is, i never imagined this at six months.  I have no crystal ball for you or anyone but I do know that life still happens for the living, even us grieving souls.  You will find your way.  Pursue what you like and enjoy.  Remember the good times of a wonderful marriage of 48 years. - Shalom, George

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Gin, thanks, that's exactly how the day looks to me.

George, thanks. Good story. Several people supporting me say I will find my way and that the horror at the loss will turn into good memories. Deepak Chopra says focusing on the happy moments is "what allows grief to release". I can't see it now but maybe the miracle will happen.

RE continuing my previous post, there are a few women who come to our Whole Foods - our favorite coffee place and where we did the crossword most sundays - who look very lonely, frail and have very limited mobility. We always felt sorry for them. They are still around and my vibrant, beautiful Susan who could go up a hill like a goat is gone. God bless the ladies but it seems so unfair! 

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

15 minutes ago, Gin said:

Tom,. I am not at that point yet, either.  I can conjure up MANY  happy memories, but it makes me so sad that they will never be again.

Gin, when I think of happy times with Susan my mind short circuits to the pain of the loss and my throat constricts involuntarily so it's hard to talk but easy to cry. As you say, the thought that those times are gone overwhelms the positive. I'm beginning to try to focus on the happy memories but it's very hard.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

13 hours ago, TomPB said:

Gin, when I think of happy times with Susan my mind short circuits to the pain of the loss and my throat constricts involuntarily so it's hard to talk but easy to cry. As you say, the thought that those times are gone overwhelms the positive. I'm beginning to try to focus on the happy memories but it's very hard.

That's precisely how I've been feeling of late. I feel that I should remember the good times for the rest of my life and have been making a concerted effort to do so out of respect. But whenever I try to do it,  sadness just takes over and I have to think of something happy that's unrelated, or go and do something, so my mind clears.  

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes...Had a dance party at the class I have been going to...

Watching lovely couples dance was so beautiful and made  me think of Kev. There was one couple taking lessons for their daughter upcoming wedding.. made me think of our daughters wedding in Monterey and she and Kev dancing  for the father / daughter dance...

There was an old big band style song that played... and some of the lyrics made me a bit melancholy for a few..." The way you hold your knife... they can't take that away from me"....

Watched grandson Mason last night for the kids to have a date night...Keep thinking how much Kev would love to see him play... things he would say...

Recently he abd his mom went go cart riding and he yelled out three times at the same spot each time : I love you grandpa !"

I think somehow Kev was standing there waving to him...

Who knows?

Trying to love these beautiful memories and this lovely life...someway .. somehow...

Tanks for the memories my love ❤️

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

18 hours ago, TomPB said:

Deepak Chopra says focusing on the happy moments is "what allows grief to release". 

I believe that!  I know when I focus on the good, it does wonders inside me!  It's not merely "positive thinking" though, it's a huge adjustment, a way of life, a practice.  I figure the negative comes unbidden, we don't have to dwell on that, it's just there, but the positive requires more concerted effort from us, it doesn't just "happen", we work at it.
 

Some of those "happy memories" do make us sad because we know that's all there is, there will be no more like what we shared.  When I speak of focusing on the positive, I mean the positive in today, now, the present.  Although our lives have changed so much and what was is no more, there are good things that happen, if only we don't fail to see them, acknowledge them, embrace them for the good that they are!  No matter how small, no matter how fleeting...

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Something hit me last night. I was in bed and looking at the closet door and saw a shoe rack filled with Tammy's shoes and that got me to thinking...

Keep or Dispose/Remove/Donate etc... ??

For the most part, I've kept Tammy's things and in many cases they've barely moved an inch since she died. I thought about that rack of shoes and how I would feel if it was no longer there. For me anyway, there is a certain comfort in seeing Tammy's things. Maybe it's my way of protecting myself from the reality that she's no longer here. If the rack was gone I think I'd feel a serious twinge in the pit of my stomach.

I know for some people these physical reminders are painful. Something that emphasizes that their beloved is no longer here to use them.

So where are you at in your journey? Keep or remove?

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tom, not to ever wish misfortune on anybody, but I look at some of those "Rockers" who live on drugs and highly questionable risky life styles, still giving it into their mid 70's......Your time is set I believe, tomorrow is not guarranteed  for any of us.....Brad has a saying about Fair.......something about Blue Ribbons..........life is not Fair....

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mitch, I am like you, everything is still here and in the exact same place that Dale left it.  Seeing his things gives me comfort too, so I know exactly what you are saying that if you removed the rack how much that would hurt.  We all deal with this in different ways and whatever makes you feel better is what should be done.  There is no right or wrong way to get through this journey, just whatever is right for you.  Hugs, Joyce

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have a mixed, disorganized approach to keep or remove. With help of a friend I've given away most clothes but kept everything with a special memory, which turned out to be a lot. Result being, when I look in the closet I get exactly the same feeling I did when it was much more full. Winter coats and sailing gear not touched. I've taken her nice new backpack for my own and cry every time I put it on. I've thrown out old paperwork that was for Susan only, but kept her more recent notebooks etc. I cleaned out everything that was in the medicine cabinet for Susan only. A friend has volunteered to help me go through her toiletries which will go to a women's shelter. Haven't touched her cookie making or gardening stuff. Susan was from Richmond and ate food like grits that I would not, not sure. Will never give away pictures of Susan or of us but those of her family only mostly being put away and going back to them slowly. Her pillows are still on the bed we slept in and her night table still has the same box of tissues that was there on 3/31. I'm inseperable from all her turtle (her favorite creature) and panda figures etc.

So, chaos. My grief counselor tells me it's important make the place a little like it's my own. She suggests I should get some new pictures for the walls and I've done a little.  Only constant theme is at all hurts. 

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, kevin said:

Tom, not to ever wish misfortune on anybody, but I look at some of those "Rockers" who live on drugs and highly questionable risky life styles, still giving it into their mid 70's......Your time is set I believe, tomorrow is not guarranteed  for any of us.....Brad has a saying about Fair.......something about Blue Ribbons..........life is not Fair....

I know, Kevin. If you asked me before 3/31 I'd have told you life is not fair. I still have no expectations in that regard, but it gets a lot more real when I'm the one suffering from the unfairness so I complain anyway.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Something hit me last night. I was in bed and looking at the closet door and saw a shoe rack filled with Tammy's shoes and that got me to thinking...

Keep or Dispose/Remove/Donate etc... ??

For the most part, I've kept Tammy's things and in many cases they've barely moved an inch since she died. I thought about that rack of shoes and how I would feel if it was no longer there. For me anyway, there is a certain comfort in seeing Tammy's things. Maybe it's my way of protecting myself from the reality that she's no longer here. If the rack was gone I think I'd feel a serious twinge in the pit of my stomach.

I know for some people these physical reminders are painful. Something that emphasizes that their beloved is no longer here to use them.

So where are you at in your journey? Keep or remove?

I'm still there with you. I haven't sorted or removed anything of Rose Anne's.  Her makeup, clothes, etc... are at the same place.  I've been thinking about it but I haven't taken that leap yet.  I still have comfort in seeing her things.... Maybe someday. - Shalom

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know Tom mentioned that his grief counselor said it's important to make his place a little like his own. For me, this house would feel much more cold and sterile if Tammy's stuff wasn't all around me. That's not to say I haven't made some changes. I have done some house updating to an extent but for the most part it still looks and feels like Mitch and Tammy's place.

One example is a caricature of Tammy's dad that she put on her nightstand after his untimely death. It was important to her because her dad was so special to her. That caricature is still there today because it meant so much to Tammy.

I miss my Tammy so much. I can't feel those sweet hugs or hear her laugh or see her smile in person but I can in mind's eye. She was all that mattered to me. She was my everything. She was my life.

Now all I can do is hold on. Hold on to the memories. Hold on to the hope that we will be reunited some day in some way. And some days, I just hold on and ride those overwhelming waves that hit me over and over.

Mitch

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mitch want to clarify that even if I change & remove some things I am still surrounded by Susan. in addition to her things that stay our two major renovations were mainly her ideas so e.g. even the counter top brings memories. Even more we went thru a bad time 26 yrs ago & only bought this place once we re-committed so it is a reminder of our love in itself. That's why I could never move. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was surprised your grief counselor said it was "important" for you to make changes. I always thought this was a journey where there was no rulebook, no timetable and no "definites". That's certainly not to say I know more than your counselor. Just my own observation.

My experience with a grief counselor was poor. Unfortunately, my work insurance gave me a very limited choice of counselors and while she was basically a nice person, her expertise was not in grief.

I also have learned that grief has an element of "on the job training" to it. Unless someone has personally lost their soul mate, I might just take their advice with a grain of salt. That's why Marty's forum has been a godsend for me. Being here has been very therapeutic. Surrounded by others who are suffering through and living this nightmarish life. 

It doesn't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. But this community is a place I feel a part of and feel I can make a difference at. The members here have each other's back. I am so grateful this forum exists.

TGFMP!!! (Thank God for Marty's place) :)

Mitch

  • Like 3
  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mitch, mine is wonderful and very important to me. She lost her husband and 3 ms later her daughter died of a heroin overdose so she qualifies. I wouldn't pay much attention to someone who does not share our nightmare either. She does not have a rulebook and maybe I misquoted, I certainly don't remember her exact words. My memory is very hazy these days. It was a suggestion. She gives her ideas but never rules. Her book has a section on roles. One idea is that my role in life has changed. What is it now? Making changes is part of finding a new role. Makes sense to me.

Best wishes Tom?

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0157CR5T4/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I haven't touched Lori's side of the closet or bathroom. My mind knows she's gone but my heart tells me that she might need her brush or her favorite pajamas. I know it's crazy because she won't ever need them again but I just can't bring myself to move anything. It is a quiet comfort to see her things as she left them. It's a touchstone of sorts. My brother in laws dad just cleared out his wife's closet and it has been two and a half years. Maybe one day but not yet.

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think we need to do what we feel right for us, whatever that is at that time, in that point of our journey.  I have given away most of George's things, but not in one clean sweep, it was little by little and sometimes it felt painful along the way.  However, there are some things I've kept around and will always keep, his bathrobe, his ball cap, his fishing vest, his trinket dish (where he threw his keys and other items), pictures.  I gave my son what was left of his tools (after being burglarized), my SIL his wallet, Sponsors his clothes, his kids his sweaters (he was a dapper dresser!), his daughter his baptismal certificate, his son his Bible, etc.  I had to sell his car, gave away his camper, and a few years ago gave my son our camper.  all of this was spread out over years, as I felt ready.  I will say cleaning out his camper was WAY too soon and if I had it to do over again, I would not have touched anything for at LEAST a year!  I will never forget the pain involved with that, I might as well have undergone open heart surgery without anesthesia!

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I say this all the time but it really is a one day at a time life now. Or more precisely, one moment at a time. No one's formula for "success" is the same.

Success has a new meaning these days that's for sure.  An accomplishment could be something as basic as making it in to work or watching a movie from beginning to end without our mind drifting off.

We all want our old life back but we know that's not happening. I guess the only thing we can do is try to make lemonade out of sour lemons, right?

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Mitch,

I remember after Mark died I went through many of this belongings...looking for items to "connect" to, even things that pre-dated our relationship.  I knew they meant something to him and I wanted that feeling around me.  First thing I had to clean out was the big chest of drawers where a lot of his clothing was kept.  I collected various t-shirts to have a quilt made (even bought special fabric to go along with it).  I washed the t-shirts and put everything together.  But time moved by and I never did get that quilt made.  I had three pair of his shoes sitting out on a special rack so I could see them.  Half of my closet housed his collection of Hawaiian shirts.  I would leave the closet open so I could see them hanging there.  After I passed the two year mark, and began moving into the third, and started the idea of moving forward, I started taking down many of the items.  I found that what I was feeling for Mark was changing.  It was becoming more INTERNAL.  I tried numerous times to remove my rings, or try wearing them a different way.  When I finally had the courage, I removed them completely and replaced them with a simple silver band with black stones.  I like the idea of wearing something there, but wanted it to be a transition.  When I began to think about dating, I started to remove things.  I read LOTS of articles about widows who began to look for love again.  I also felt a gentle "nudging"...I know that was Mark.  There are things I have around me in my home that will ALWAYS be associated with Mark and I will never put them away.  But they won't make anyone uncomfortable because I will know what they are and what they mean.  Since the accident, and having to let go of his car, I found I have the courage to allow my memories to be my connection now.  And I am at peace with it all now.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Some unexplainable things just can't be coincidence...

OK, this may be a long read. And for members who have been here a while, I've mentioned most of these things before but they bear repeating.

Tammy died unexpectedly on March 6, 2015 and it felt like my world had ended. Truth is, the life I loved, with the woman I loved, had ended. This will be the story of the "unusual" things that have happened (since Tammy died) that lead me to believe she is still with me, still trying to communicate and still loving me.

Tammy lived most of her life in Illinois. She moved to Maryland with daughter Katie (who was 3 at the time) to live with me. All of Tammy's family lives in Illinois. When she died, her mom told me it was her wish to be buried back in Illinois in the family plot. I honored that and I drove to Illinois to go to Tammy's funeral and deliver the eulogy. Driving there, I fell asleep at the wheel. Going 70MPH, I was awakened by the sound of my car veering into a concrete construction barrier. I was physically "OK" but all I could think was I ruined the car and wouldn't be able to attend my own wife's funeral. Anyway, I exited at the next rest stop to survey the damage to my car. I stared in disbelief at the side of the car. There was NO visible damage. I mean, I heard the crunch of metal to concrete. WTF??? And then it hit me. That was Tammy. She knew how I loved my cars so she somehow made arrangements up there in heaven to "fix" my car and protect me. I have no other explanation for such a miracle.

Since then, there have been numerous other things that make me feel Tammy is looking out and loving me still.  I was talking on the phone to my niece about Tammy and how Katie (as a teenager) was sort of mean to Tammy. And how it hurt Tammy so much. I was getting visibly upset thinking about the hell that Katie sometimes put Tammy through. All of the sudden, the bedroom ceiling fan (which was off at the time) beeped and turned itself on to the highest setting. That startled me so much that I told my niece I had to call her back. Laying in bed shivers went up my spine. Tammy loved that fan because she was always warm. And she loved the highest setting. It had to be Tammy! There was no electrical surge in the house. This was Tammy's way of getting my attention and telling me not to get upset. No other explanation.

And then there was the venetian blind incident. We had a blind on a long window next to our front door that had gotten stuck in the open position. It had been like that for years. Every now and then, I would try to "un-jam" it to no avail when Tammy was alive. It just wouldn't budge no matter what I tried. One day, I decided to try again. This time before going downstairs to fix it, I said out loud "Tammy if there's any way you can get this unstuck it would be great". Well, I pulled the string on the blind and it released immediately. Closed up perfectly. I fell to my knees. I knew Tammy heard me and was with me.

I have no explanation for any of that. People can say "stuff happens" or it was a coincidence but I'm not buying that. Too many things have happened including that butterfly that followed me wherever I went outside not long after Tammy died. Unfortunately, that was before I knew butterflies related to our departed ones. I remember trying to shoo the butterfly away as it tried to get into the house. Afterward, I thought, "Oh no... if that was Tammy I sure hope she didn't think I was mad at her".  Oh how our grieving minds sometime work.

All of that brings me to last night's hair raising moment. Tammy had 3 different types of styling combs she left on the bathroom vanity. After she died, I left them there but put them in a slightly different place... in the corner of the vanity. From time to time, I would notice they slightly moved position and I wondered if that was Tammy's way of letting me know she's here. Then my logical mind would say "maybe I nudged them myself and didn't know it". But, the thing is, they are in the corner out of reach. Last night I was getting up to do my business in the middle of the night and went to wash my hands. I then saw the sight that stopped me in my tracks. And here it is:

IMG_20170823_062104.jpg.345138e390252dbc084c6ec7c6099a1c.jpg

First of all sorry for the poor quality cell phone pic. OK, those three combs are always laying there flat. Stacked one on top of the other. But look at the rat tail comb. It's up on it's edge now. I literally found my self staring in disbelief and doing double takes for what seemed like 3 minutes. Then I cried out to Tammy.

All of this reinforces, to me anyway, that Tammy is still in my life. I can't see her or touch her but it does give me some small sense of comfort. Of course, I still want to go back in time (after I've invented that time machine) and cure Tammy's lupus.

Some of you may think I'm adding 1+1 and coming up with 3. And trust me, I am generally a skeptic and quite logical. But like I said, some things defy logic. None of us know anything about life after death so who knows what is ahead for all of us. This gives me a sense that Tammy's love will always be there. It doesn't lessen the pain of not having Tammy by my side 24/7, but it does give me a glimmer of hope.

Mitch

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Of course she will always be there watching out for you.  I was told by someone with a spiritual connection that Mark is in the car with me every time I drive now...and he kept me from getting seriously injured three weeks ago.  Had I been just a foot and a half more into the intersection, the outcome might have been so much worse.  They continue to love and watch out for us, but I also believe that part of that would be wanting us to continue to live and try and find happiness. I was able to get my bathroom faucet repaired this passed weekend, and now I think I am finally ready to tackle the shower.  That is the last place in the house that is untouched since Mark died.  His razor is still resting on the bar of soap where he touched it last.  We are all on different levels of healing, and my words are by no means how everyone should handle their grief.  In the beginning, I wanted to stay in that sadness because I felt it connected me to Mark.  But life sometimes has a different plan for us.  I know now that I am not the same woman that Mark married; many things about me have changed.  But I truly believe he would and does love the woman I am becoming, and finds joy knowing that my love for him is part of what drives such a change.  Loving him and losing him helped me find strength I never knew existed inside me.  We ALL are braver than we let ourselves see.  

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mitch, 

That is beautiful.  I don't think I could get a comb like that to be up on edge if I tried hard to do it!  I'm glad Tammy is bringing you comfort by getting your attention in special ways that you would notice.  It reminds me of the Friday night I was distraught, anxiety kicked in fully, after the social security office had told me I'd only get $200+/month.  It was just as they were closing and a long weekend I had to wait before I could call someone else.  I felt George's hand on my back, it felt physical to the touch, and it immediately calmed me, I knew he was there, being there for me, letting me know everything was going to be alright.  That's the only physical touch I've had in over 12 years since he died, but if I ever needed it, it was at that moment.  I don't know why some get these manifestations and others don't.  I know we can't conjure them up by wishing for them, they aren't something we control.  But they are priceless when it happens.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...