Healing

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, Gin said:

Talked to a neighbor and she said I should make more friends.  Well, easier said than done.   She has no idea.   

Hugs Gin.

Note: mini-rant ahead...

You're right, she doesn't have a clue. Sure, in a perfect world, we'd all have tons of best friends that are understanding, compassionate, caring and loving. But as you know the world we live in is far from perfect (unless perfectly awful counts).

All those people who give us advice... the ones who have never walked in our shoes, have never lost a soul mate, and yet tell us what we "should do". Why on earth do they think they know what we need? What expertise do they have? 

Yes, they mean well, I have no doubt. I just wish they could understand the pain and torment we feel. The utter sense of hopelessness that often accompanies us on our journey. The empty, meaningless life we live and the constant longing to be with our beloved. Then and only then could they even remotely give advice that was truly helpful and worthwhile.

End of rant.

Mitch

 

[Gin]

Mitch,. Thanks for the mini rant.  I think I had a maxi rant.  I was told I was to make friends at the health club.  Most of the folks there are much younger than I am.  I am cordial, but these people are busy exercising, not too interested in chi chatting.  We just have to put up with the unknowing folks. 

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, Gin said:

Lots of support from kids and grandkids.  I do not think she knows what lonely means.  She complains that she has TOO MUCH company!   This journey is so hard on all of us.   

I know one of those!   Nothing but complaints about too many people in his life.  Oh, so hard to deal with all those social occasions (tho he does have the option to say no, he must have missed that).  If I dare mention my loneliness that is what I hear back.   Like I have it better?   Yeah, I volunteer, that's down to 5 hours of my week due to changes.  I haven't tallied up the time with cashiers or fast food workers who are about the only other people I see.  I don't count therapy or doctor visits as social.  He says his biggest desire is to lock all his family and friends out so he and his WIFE can have some together time.  My heart bleeds for him......not.

[Gwenivere]

Absolutely well said, Mitch.  The only thing that would have made it a better rant is all caps.  

[TomPB]

People can't comprehend the difference between dealing with a painful situation and then getting back to your life, vs not having your life to return to. 

[Cookie]

On 9/1/2017 at 10:12 AM, kayc said:

Cookie,

You and I are in the same boat...I'm dealing with injured knees and toes (it's been three months, still not healed) and 3 1/2 weeks ago discovered I'm highly allergic to wasps.  It's ended my being comfortable outside as I have tons of them.  Have been trying to locate a beekeeper to collect them but so far no luck, one of the hazards of living out so far.
 

Take care of yourself, I know all too well what you're going through!

Thanks Kayc.  It really does change your life when you find out you're allergic to bees; all of a sudden they are everywhere.  I'm trying to find a balance and not be too scared to go outside.  I'm considering doing the allergy shots, as they say they are very effective.  I can't stand the idea of always being afraid of being outside.....I'm sure it will all work out.  Having to hire out the yardwork for now.  Hope your injuries get better soon; hoping mine does too.  Fondly, Cookie

[iPraiseHim]

4 hours ago, Cookie said:

Thanks Kayc.  It really does change your life when you find out you're allergic to bees; all of a sudden they are everywhere.  I'm trying to find a balance and not be too scared to go outside.  I'm considering doing the allergy shots, as they say they are very effective.  I can't stand the idea of always being afraid of being outside.....I'm sure it will all work out.  Having to hire out the yardwork for now.  Hope your injuries get better soon; hoping mine does too.  Fondly, Cookie

I suggest carrying an epi-pen for those emergency stings.  It will buy you time to get help. - Shalom

 

[Cookie]

I do have an EpiPen...I'm going to get allergy testing at the end of the month and take immune shots if it comes back positive.  It is possible I had a toxic reaction, as they say I had about 30-40 stings in actuality because each hornet or wasp can sting multiple times.  Don't know; we'll see.  I'm just really having trouble with the paranoia about bees now.  I know I will get past this.  Maybe next year will be better.  Thanks George. 

[iPraiseHim]

I'm not allergic to bee stings.  I just don't like the pain. I have jumped out of my car when a bee was buzzing around while driving.  My wife commented that I could move pretty fast with a bee chasing me. Ha..Ha...Ha.

[mittam99]

Rough couple of days for me. I got a text from my sister last night that my brother in law was in the cardiac ICU of a local hospital. A hospital and ICU that me and Tammy spent many traumatic moments/days/weeks/months in. All sorts of thoughts raced through my head. And to top it off, I’ve been watching a show called ”the OA” on Netflix. The show is about a group of people kidnapped by a scientist who is studying them and their near death experiences. Well, last night, right after texting back and forth with my sister, I had one of the most intense grief bursts I've had in a long time. It felt like I was going to explode and I could not stop crying...

In the show, one of the five NDE characters is killed by the kidnapper. Two of the others start doing these odd movements and chants and somehow their friend is brought back to life. At the moment he was brought back to life, I completely lost it. Screaming at the top of my lungs that I needed Tammy back... over and over. I screamed and sobbed into my blanket so my neighbors (hopefully) couldn't hear me. Two years and six months after my sweet Tammy died, I felt intense and overwhelming sadness that absolutely took my breath away.

My life is, for the most part, tolerable these days. That's about as good as it seems to get. Losing Tammy means losing every happiness I had in life. Losing the best friend I ever had. Losing the love of the one person I loved like no other. Losing my identity. My passion. At times, it feels like it's too much to bear.

Why couldn't I save her? 

[scba]

I'm sorry Mitch......

 

[Gin]

Mitch,. Sorry you are grieving so hard.  I get bouts of the same feeling.  Why couldn't I have figured out something that would have saved Al.  Maybe I forgot to tell the docs something important.  I know we are not God, but I felt guilty.  Still do.  We were so close and loved each other so much.  I should have seen something.  I hope your brother -in-law improves AND I hope you find some peace.  Gin

[Margm]

I'm sorry Mitch.  Sometimes tolerable actually becomes a word/feeling that we welcome.  I hope your family gets better news.  

[Gwenivere]

I'm so sorry, Mitch.  TV now has many triggers for me.  I don't watch anything medical and when commmercials for meds or conditions come on I mute them.   That's the downside of having a TV as a roommate now.  I only watch shows I record. or movies I rent that are mostly action.  I hope your brother in law will be OK.  

[MartyT]

[TomPB]

Hear you Mitch. Susan was my sunshine and my oxygen, so even in my OK periods the world is darker and I have less energy. Lately I'm tortured with thoughts of not appreciating her enough. Don't get me wrong, I DID appreciate her, but I let things that don't matter bother me when I should have been bulletproof with her love. Grief counselor tells me I'm talking  about normal human behavior and this is self-hatred. Probably true.

This new normal of going from OK to grief to OK to grief...is really something. Have a good swim practice, cry in the shower. Feel OK walking home, cry when I kiss her Urn. Is this the rest of my life or will it change?

[kayc]

Mitch,

Sometimes when we go through a similar experience such as you encountered last night with your brother-in-law being in the same place as Tammy had been in, can trigger all of those same feelings as you felt before, it can feel overwhelmingly painful.  I wish there were words to offer you, some form of comfort, but I know of none, I've been there, it's hard.  I don't know why we couldn't stop their deaths, it's beyond our control.  I was praying when George died. 

[Eagle-96]

Thinking of you Mitch. I hope for nothing but the best for your brother-in-law.

[Eagle-96]

4 hours ago, TomPB said:

Hear you Mitch. Susan was my sunshine and my oxygen, so even in my OK periods the world is darker and I have less energy. Lately I'm tortured with thoughts of not appreciating her enough. Don't get me wrong, I DID appreciate her, but I let things that don't matter bother me when I should have been bulletproof with her love. Grief counselor tells me I'm talking  about normal human behavior and this is self-hatred. Probably true.

That is where I am at right now. The thoughts race through my head that I should have told her I loved her more. I should have told her how beautiful she was more often. I could have been a better husband. I know I am just beating myself up for no reason but my heart just won't listen to my head. 

[mittam99]

2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

That is where I am at right now. The thoughts race through my head that I should have told her loved her more. I should have told her how beautiful she was more often. I could have been a better husband. I know I am just beating myself up for no reason but my heart just won't listen to my head. 

I hear you Sean. My logical side tells me that I was a very good husband. Tammy would "brag" about me to all her friends, co-workers and relatives. People at work who know how devoted I was to Tammy tell me I was a wonderful husband. I once had a doctor tell me how much he "admired" me when he saw I stayed with Tammy 24/7 through an entire month long hospital stay. Yet, at times, I still feel like  I failed Tammy. I was her knight in shining armor, her protector, the man who cared about her and loved her more than life itself. But I'm here now and she isn't.

Ultimately, I realize the ravages of 25 years of severe Lupus took it's toll. Tammy's will to live was still strong but her body simply broke down. It's just that all these scenarios run through my mind these days. For example, Tammy loved to shop but after she lost her job our money was extremely tight. We lived paycheck to paycheck. On occasion, I'd get on her case about all of her spending. Hindsight says I'm sorry I did that but in real time I was just being practical. I did all the cooking and Tammy loved the food I made. She always said my secret ingredient was TLC. But, I wonder if I was making the wrong type of foods. I know I shouldn't beat myself up but it's hard not to wonder about the "what-ifs".

Tammy was all that mattered to me in the world. I would do anything for her. I just wanted her to get better. To have a life that was pain free and worry free. I wanted us to grow old together and share our amazingly love forever.

Life without her is life without purpose, it's life with very little meaning, a life without love. But mostly it's a life of longing for the past. Hoping to wake up, open my eyes and see Tammy sleeping comfortably, my arms wrapped around her. Hoping against hope that this is just some sort of cruel nightmare.

 

 

[Eagle-96]

55 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

I hear you Sean. My logical side tells me that I was a very good husband. Tammy would "brag" about me to all her friends, co-workers and relatives. People at work who know how devoted I was to Tammy tell me I was a wonderful husband. I once had a doctor tell me how much he "admired" me when he saw I stayed with Tammy 24/7 through an entire month long hospital stay. Yet, at times, I still feel like  I failed Tammy. I was her knight in shining armor, her protector, the man who cared about her and loved her more than life itself. But I'm here now and she isn't.

Ultimately, I realize the ravages of 25 years of severe Lupus took it's toll. Tammy's will to live was still strong but her body simply broke down. It's just that all these scenarios run through my mind these days. For example, Tammy loved to shop but after she lost her job our money was extremely tight. We lived paycheck to paycheck. On occasion, I'd get on her case about all of her spending. Hindsight says I'm sorry I did that but in real time I was just being practical. I did all the cooking and Tammy loved the food I made. She always said my secret ingredient was TLC. But, I wonder if I was making the wrong type of foods. I know I shouldn't beat myself up but it's hard not to wonder about the "what-ifs".

Tammy was all that mattered to me in the world. I would do anything for her. I just wanted her to get better. To have a life that was pain free and worry free. I wanted us to grow old together and share our amazingly love forever.

Life without her is life without purpose, it's life with very little meaning, a life without love. But mostly it's a life of longing for the past. Hoping to wake up, open my eyes and see Tammy sleeping comfortably, my arms wrapped around her. Hoping against hope that this is just some sort of cruel nightmare.

 

 

I think we both know how good we were to our wives. There's just too much evidence in our favor. Deep down we know, but that devil sitting on our shoulder whispers in our ear that we were not enough. That we didn't do everything we could have. It seems that my future is just an existence of living in the past and searching for the Sean she fell in love with. Searching for the realization that I loved Lori as hard and as much as I could and that I was enough. Maybe I'll find that Sean again but he's hiding right now and I'm not sure he wants to be found.

[iPraiseHim]

8 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I think we both know how good we were to our wives. There's just too much evidence in our favor. Deep down we know, but that devil sitting on our shoulder whispers in our ear that we were not enough. That we didn't do everything we could have. It seems that my future is just an existence of living in the past and searching for the Sean she fell in love with. Searching for the realization that I loved Lori as hard and as much as I could and that I was enough. Maybe I'll find that Sean again but he's hiding right now and I'm not sure he wants to be found.

Don't listen to the devil. All he tells is lies because he is the father of Lies.  Doubt the doubt.  Focus on 'how good we were to our wives" because we love them to the fullest.  The transition from "we" to "the changed I" is a tough one.  I still struggle at times but trust the grief process that you will move forward.  The life for us who are "left behind" is different, than we ever planned or expected. Yet it is our life as it is now.  I plan to embrace the now (today) and I chose to remember all of the great times we shared together as a full, loving, and exciting life expressed.

This grief journey is a continuing work in progress. 30 months ago, I could not have imagined existing (living) without my beloved. I was shock, devastated, and shattered.    Gradually, find this solace in the tempest storm of grief,  I found a refuge for other like-minded souls who are traversing this journey.  MartyT, and many others here listened, shared, and cared enough  to help me find a way through. My hope and prayer is that each of you will find your path through. - Shalom, George 

[Eagle-96]

13 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

Don't listen to the devil. All he tells is lies because he is the father of Lies.  Doubt the doubt.  Focus on 'how good we were to our wives" because we love them to the fullest.  The transition from "we" to "the changed I" is a tough one.  I still struggle at times but trust the grief process that you will move forward.  The life for us who are "left behind" is different, than we ever planned or expected. Yet it is our life as it is now.  I plan to embrace the now (today) and I chose to remember all of the great times we shared together as a full, loving, and exciting life expressed.

This grief journey is a continuing work in progress. 30 months ago, I could not have imagined existing (living) without my beloved. I was shock, devastated, and shattered.    Gradually, find this solace in the tempest storm of grief,  I found a refuge for other like-minded souls who are traversing this journey.  MartyT, and many others here listened, shared, and cared enough  to help me find a way through. My hope and prayer is that each of you will find your path through. - Shalom, George 

It's so hard to ignore the self doubt. I know in my heart how great our marriage was. I know what we meant to each other. I know the love we shared. But then that doubt sneaks in. It's a hard emotion for me to handle because while Lori was here, I wanted only the best for her in every aspect of life. It's that "Could have done more" mentality. I just have to work through it until I realize that I WAS enough. It's gonna take time.

[TomPB]

9 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

It's so hard to ignore the self doubt. I know in my heart how great our marriage was. I know what we meant to each other. I know the love we shared. But then that doubt sneaks in. It's a hard emotion for me to handle because while Lori was here, I wanted only the best for her in every aspect of life. It's that "Could have done more" mentality. I just have to work through it until I realize that I WAS enough. It's gonna take time.

Exactly. I can't help doubting myself and my wonderful grief counselor tells me it's self-hatred and I should forgive myself for any lapses. She also tells me that Susan did not stand for any nonsense and she would not have loved me so much if my failings were such a big deal. Also we have a saying "believe that we believe" and everyone who knew us believes that we had an amazing marriage. Geez, people I hardly knew told me they could tell how much we loved each other just by the way we walked together. And I KNOW what we had  despite my tendency to be, as Susan would say with that beautiful smile, a 🐼 grouch. But for all that grief will take me to the dark side if I let it.

[Gwenivere]

On 9/14/2017 at 9:45 AM, mittam99 said:

ILife without her is life without purpose, it's life with very little meaning, a life without love. But mostly it's a life of longing for the past. Hoping to wake up, open my eyes and see Tammy sleeping comfortably, my arms wrapped around her. Hoping against hope that this is just some sort of cruel nightmare.

  I thought that with time things would get less painful, but I am finding the opposite.  Coming up on 3 years I feel the worst I have ever felt.  It is a nightmare now that grows as I age, live alone and matter to no one in the world as I did to Steve.  I wake every day to more thoughts of why keep going on.  It's scary because the is only one cure that doesn't exist.  Every person I talk to has a zest for life.  Be it small or large.  All I know is they are not living in the darkness.  I hear laughhter and don't know what that feels like. I'd settle for some time it is not always on my mind that anything I do doesn't matter  to anyone but me and I don't even care anymore.  Even in my dreams I know I am alone.  So many things I see or think and can only tell people in passing.  I'm still doing things to secure my life alone now, but I wonder why.  I don't want to be here like this.  The few people left in my life say they love me, but how do you tell them it is not enough?  Every person I look at I wonder, who do they have that makes thier life worth living?  Even teenagers on thier phones that have so much talking to someone that matters.  I can't even say hi to the ones that did to me.  

My new doctor increased my antidepressant a bit.  Lots of side effects but the worst being numbed out even more to anything but the depression.  Makes it hard to cry too.  I've told him of the apathy but as it has only been 10 days, I should ride it out.  I hate the word suicidal, but I hate the feeling that if I neve woke up again that would be just fine. days I have to depend on myself to fill (no volunteeering or counseling) are the hardest like today.  It's like the blind leading the blind.  Trying to muster the energy to fill the day.  Prepare for another long lonely night.  

Life without love.  That sums it up perfectly.  None coming to me and what to do with all I have for him.  I want him to have it.  I don know what to do with it anymore.