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mittam99   
2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Every person I look at I wonder, who do they have that makes thier life worth living?   

Life without love.  That sums it up perfectly.  None coming to me and what to do with all I have for him.  I want him to have it.  I don know what to do with it anymore.  

I think this is one of the biggest hurdles in our grief journey, Gwen. Living this life with so much love to give and not being on the receiving end of any either. We all need love. We all want to feel needed. This new life alone, longing for what we had is simply unbearable at times. It's torture.

What do we do with that love we feel for our departed? For me, it's locked inside my heart and I threw away the key so it will never leave me. I always will be Tammy's man and she is and always will be my perfect bride. Beyond that, I don't know how to make this life alone feel happy or meaningful or worthwhile. It's drudgery and sameness and monotony for the most part. Not to be a downer but I've come to accept that this may be as good as it gets all the while hoping that miraculously I will find meaning and a semblance of happiness.

This is all new territory for all of us. I guess we can either look at it as another 24 hours to "get through" or use those 24 hours to accomplish some positive goals. Either way, the life we loved died along with our soul mate. At some point, maybe the answers we need will come. I sure hope so.

Mitch

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mittam99   

Frustration and bs...

I don't know about all of you but since Tammy died I have just about zero tolerance for bull$hit and I'm much more easily frustrated. Right now both of those issues have come to the forefront. I've lived in the same townhouse for nearly 30 years. For the most part it's been a decent neighborhood over the years. It recent years, many townhouses have been bought by some folks who rent them out and that's when the problems began. We have limited parking (no assigned spaces) and the renters park haphazardly, often taking up two spaces. I rarely get to park in front of my own home. Neighbors throw trash on my lawn. Vandals throw firecrackers in my yard. My next door neighbors make noise running up and down their steps until 3 in the morning. When I've complained to my homeowners association they tell me to contact the landlords or the police. The bottom line, as a homeowner I apparently have less rights then renters.  The police could care less.

So I'm at the point where I don't know what to do. I like my house and all of my time with Tammy was spent here. I don't want to move. But, I know this neighborhood will continue to become less and less tight knit and friendly. It's horrible to think I'm getting pushed out of my home by these new renters but I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Vent over.

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The thought of having to move would stress anyone out even more than they are.  I know another member facing the same decision.  While it is very hard to remain in the homes we once shared with our loved one, I,too, know the frustration of changes in my neighborhood and oddly, most are OK.  It is the fact is IS more change and I think we are just burned out desperately wanting something, anything to be as it was.  I find myself hating the Changes just because they exist and that is because nothing is remotely the same as my other life.

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mittam99   

Gwen, I hear you on the changes.

I've never liked change. I'm basically a creature of habit. On March 6, 2015 my whole world changed and not for the better. All these subsequent life changes just seem to pile on to the overwhelming grief we already are experiencing. In the past, Tammy was here and we would comfort each other when things that were out of our control happened around us. Now, it's only me, myself and I dealing with every situation 24/7 and there's absolutely no comfort in sight. It's a life of misery that somehow we're supposed to find hope in. Talk about a nearly impossible task!

Mitch

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TomPB   

Mitch, that sounds terrible, my sympathy.

Susan would often say "🐼s hate change". Now I have the biggest change ever. Our neighborhood remains good - I would tease Susan that maybe we should move and she would say NO - and the only question is whether it's better to be surrounded by all the memories or not. Every feature designed in our renovations, the furniture, every decoration, every picture on the walls etc etc was way more Susan's idea than mine. Susan died in our bathtub and every time I take a shower and look down I see her lying there. You could make a good case that I should clear out but I hope someday Susan's presence will bring comfort instead of the pain of loss, I DO like our neighborhood, and 🐼s hate change and I'm staying.

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Marg M   

I think I was born a nomad.  RVing was to be our life.  I always wanted to see over the next hill, around the next curve.  Family would not stand for it so we had no choice but live in brix and stix.  No place is home without Billy.  He was a nomad also.  Actually, I stay in one place now doing my waiting game.  I have friends that have lived in one house their whole married life.  Seventeen years was the longest for us, just so the kids could stay in one school system, and now, I just don't care.  One friend, her father was born in one house and died in that same house about 90 years later.  The only reason I am still in one place, after moving, is because Billy is not here.  I still have about 15 unpacked big plastic boxes.  Do not have plans to unpack.  This is not my home.  No place is my home without Billy.  He was my home.  I - don't - care - where - I - am - as - long - as - I - have - a - bed - microwave - and - refrigerator, AC/heat - ceiling fans - and - Walmart......oh, and a bathroom.

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kayc   

Mitch,

I'm sorry you're going through such annoyances and that no one seems to care to do anything about it.  I know the police don't care, they're busy solving murders, etc., but maybe hounding the landlord?  It's not lright that you should be driven out of your home that you shared with Tammy because of other people's inconsideration! :angry:

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Cookie   
19 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Gwen, I hear you on the changes.

I've never liked change. I'm basically a creature of habit. On March 6, 2015 my whole world changed and not for the better. All these subsequent life changes just seem to pile on to the overwhelming grief we already are experiencing. In the past, Tammy was here and we would comfort each other when things that were out of our control happened around us. Now, it's only me, myself and I dealing with every situation 24/7 and there's absolutely no comfort in sight. It's a life of misery that somehow we're supposed to find hope in. Talk about a nearly impossible task!

Mitch

Mitch:  I certainly can relate.  I feel the same way.  I get so tired of taking care of everything without the comfort of my partner.  It seems so punishing somehow.  I'm always desperately looking for some relief in all of this...take care, Cookie

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Cookie   
20 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Frustration and bs...

I don't know about all of you but since Tammy died I have just about zero tolerance for bull$hit and I'm much more easily frustrated. Right now both of those issues have come to the forefront. I've lived in the same townhouse for nearly 30 years. For the most part it's been a decent neighborhood over the years. It recent years, many townhouses have been bought by some folks who rent them out and that's when the problems began. We have limited parking (no assigned spaces) and the renters park haphazardly, often taking up two spaces. I rarely get to park in front of my own home. Neighbors throw trash on my lawn. Vandals throw firecrackers in my yard. My next door neighbors make noise running up and down their steps until 3 in the morning. When I've complained to my homeowners association they tell me to contact the landlords or the police. The bottom line, as a homeowner I apparently have less rights then renters.  The police could care less.

So I'm at the point where I don't know what to do. I like my house and all of my time with Tammy was spent here. I don't want to move. But, I know this neighborhood will continue to become less and less tight knit and friendly. It's horrible to think I'm getting pushed out of my home by these new renters but I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Vent over.

So sorry.  That sounds horrible.  You have a right to vent!  Hoping you find a bearable solution to this...Cookie

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Cookie   

On the subject of how do we get through this.....I took a part-time job at a book store in town.  Nice place, nice people, but very low pay, $7.50 an hour, no breaks, had to travel a ways and a lot to learn.  I have ended up quitting mostly because there were more cons than pros, money mostly, but what I learned was that truly being so immersed in something at work did take my mind off John and feelings, but then I would come home and be back in it.  So, is that where we're left (or I should say I'm left)?  Either busy your/myself to death and have less time to feel bad or just feel bad a lot more.  I will be looking for something else to take up my time that works for me more, but this is what is so soul-numbing for me....the fear that only constant busyness will be my only relief.....scary thought

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mittam99   

Indescribably stressful  day today. I got home from a difficult day at work at about 2:30 and spent the next 5 hours dealing with this parking mess. I called my county, the local police, the landlord, the homeowner's association and confronted the next door renters in person. Turns out the landlord told the folks renting the house next door that the two parking spaces in front of my house came with the rental of their house. Seriously??? I've been a homeowner here for 30 years and they're telling me those spaces are theirs? I was livid.

Hopefully, my being proactive and a bit of a squeaky wheel will be a positive catalyst in this situation. On the other hand, I don't know these new neighbors or whether or not they'll be more considerate in the future. I sure hope they will be.

So here it is at 8 o'clock and I'm finally trying to "relax". Haven't even eaten dinner.  Just too worked up. All the while knowing that if Tammy was here, I'd feel differently. More at ease, comforted. And knowing that someone loves me, cares about me and is on my side.

This new life alone without my beloved is hard enough in a normal 24/7 cycle. When stressful times happen, the overwhelming nature of this grief gets ramped up to a new level that's almost unbearable. Sometimes it feels like I need the conductor to stop this train 'cause I want off.

How much sadness and stress can one human being endure? How much heartache? How much emotional pain? I wonder if this is some sort of test. A test that's a helluva lot harder than the SAT's!

I titled this topic "Healing" to point out that while the concept of grief healing sounds wonderful and soothing, I'm not sure that a grief this deep and all encompassing can ever heal. It's not unlike those horrific MRSA sores that Tammy endured for so many years. We'd treat them and some would go away for a time but, sure enough, they'd reappear time and time again. It felt like a no-win situation. We were treading water but ultimately getting that sinking feeling.

It seems to me that grieving a soul mate is an open emotional wound that just won't heal no matter what you try. You learn to live with it but you are forever scarred.

A day like today hammers home that my life will never be the same. That I'm all alone in this world. Alone and unloved. A good man in a horrible situation. Living life without the one person that made my life livable. Tammy was all I had. She was my life. My everything. She was all I ever wanted and all I ever needed.

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kayc   

I think that any healing we get on this journey is a process, rather than something fixed to be attained.  It's continual.

Mitch, I'm so sorry for what your neighbors and their landlord put you through, it's so wrong!  It seems the landlord could get in trouble with the association for what he told them!

This life is exhausting.

Yesterday I woke up to find leaking all along my new patio roof next to my house and my huge patio cupboard flooded with water...it's sustained enough damage due to the leaks over the last couple of years!  Met with roofer, he came right out and fixed it...at least I hope.  And now my dog pen has leaks all along the house as well, it's never leaked there before except one spot and when that was "fixed", that's when all the rest started!  It seems like plumbing problems, you touch one thing and it creates another monster, I went through that a couple of years ago, can't tell you how many pipes had to be fixed, one after another after another!  Now it's roofs.

Going through life's crap without our partner is very challenging and exhausting.  Even if they weren't the one to deal with this stuff, at least we could get emotional support from them...and in my case, George would have been the one dealing with it all.  He was great that way, I only had to take care of him by fixing his meals and doing his laundry and he happily took care of me by tending to the yard and fixing things around the house.  If he didn't know how to do something, he'd pay someone to teach him.  God I miss that man!

I know you feel the same way, Mitch.  Tammy was your support, your cheerleader, you reason for doing everything you did, and your reward for having done so.  So hard doing all this without them.  But I know George would be proud of me for making my way through the struggle...

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On 9/19/2017 at 8:15 PM, mittam99 said:

A day like today hammers home that my life will never be the same. That I'm all alone in this world. Alone and unloved. A good man in a horrible situation. Living life without the one person that made my life livable. Tammy was all I had. She was my life. My everything. She was all I ever wanted and all I ever needed.

Oh! How much I feel the same way, Mitch.  I wish life would go back to where it was Rose Anne and I when we were both still together.

 

I have come to realize that although I do feel that way, it is not the complete FACT.   Grief also tells ME that I am alone and unloved. Yet the truth is we KNOW there are people who know us and love us here despite them seeing us at out most vulnerable and broken selves. We can review our many and varied conversations on here over our grief journey. Only one person on this forum has actually met me and apparently wasn't repelled.

So GRIEF does try to speak lies to us.  So if GRIEF LIES to us about this what else is GRIEF lying to us about? Life is painful, lonesome, and hurting people HURT people.  I do know that we are to move forward on our journey at whatever pace we can or even stop and reflect at times.  We are still living and our PURPOSE is to continue on our path despite not knowing what the future holds.

Mitch, you may be lonely, but you  are not ALONE. You are LOVED by me and many other people HERE and out in your world that you are not even aware of yet.  - Shalom, Brother. 

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scba   
On 19/9/2017 at 3:17 PM, Cookie said:

 So, is that where we're left (or I should say I'm left)?  Either busy your/myself to death and have less time to feel bad or just feel bad a lot more.  I will be looking for something else to take up my time that works for me more, but this is what is so soul-numbing for me....the fear that only constant busyness will be my only relief.....scary thought

Dear Cookie, I can relate. That's my life now, frantic.

A super busy one that starts at 6am and ends at midnight. I don't even rest when I'm back home and I need to do anything to fill up my time. I've never been this way, I used to be peaceful-pace and quiet. I'm on purpose filled with stuff to do (doesn't mean social activities, though). 

It started to be this way a couple of months ago, not sure how....

I remember those early days when people suggested me to find things to do, to distract myself. Ok, here it is....This is a big distraction I've build up, for nothing. Distracts the surface, the five senses. Cause I know that inside of me there is a inmense void which won't be filled, ever. This stuff serves its purpose, but doesn't solve any-thing. Not to me, or not to me yet.....

I don't know what is going to be of me. When I reflect about it, I cry. Is this all that is going to ever be? To be busy? "Busyaholic"?

Hugs

 

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mittam99   

On occasion, I'm a "busyaholic" too, Ana. I do projects that occupy my time and put my mind in a different place. But ultimately, when the work is done I'm still who I am...

A man devastated by the loss of his wife. Struggling to understand how to live a life of meaning in a world without the person who gave it meaning.

 

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scba   
5 hours ago, mittam99 said:

 But ultimately, when the work is done I'm still who I am...

A man devastated by the loss of his wife. Struggling to understand how to live a life of meaning in a world without the person who gave it meaning.

 

I understand

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mittam99   

Close encounter of the worst (scary) kind...

Driving home today, merging onto the highway at nearly 60 MPH,  a deer decided to run full blast towards the side of my new car. I did everything in my power to avoid it.

As I awaited and cringed expecting to hear the sound of crunched sheet metal, I only heard a lighter sounding bump. That was at least a little bit encouraging. Shaken, I drove the seven miles to my house expecting to see some damage. I got out of my car and prayed to the heavens. Well, there were no dents at all. The deer hit my rear driver's taillight and only caused a long gouge in the plastic lens cover. It could have been much, much worse.

Special thanks to my sweet angel Tammy. She is always looking out for me.

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MartyT   

Clearly your Tammy is your guardian angel, Mitch! This is not the first time you've had a close call like this, either! I am grateful that you're okay! 

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kayc   

Wow!  I had that happen when my car was new too...only I hit the deer head on, dead center!  No damage!  Only a slightly bent plate, no big deal.  I drove it to Honda dealership and had them check it over just in case there was something I didn't see underneath the car, they said it was fine.  I couldn't believe it!  It hadn't occurred to me that it was my guardian angel, but perhaps!  I was blown away.

I'm so glad you and your car are okay!

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