Where Did All The Compassion Go?

[DanyGreen]

Hi -

It has been just over 5 months since I lost my husband suddenly.  At first, there were so many things to take care of - his final arrangements, making sure my kids and I were okay financially, everything around the house seemed to break, etc. - that I just put my head down and took care of what needed to be taken care of.  We had so much support from our family, friends and community, I truly felt that we were so blessed it was almost to good to be true.  

About a month ago, we started to feel the first bits of settling and some peace and then the most bewildering things started to happen.  A neighbor who we have know for years reports my dogs to Animal Control for barking, my son's best friend's parents accuse me of allowing "gateway" behaviors to occur in my home, and in general people began to shun my kids and I at community events - openly and with some hostility.  Animal Control told me not to worry about the neighbor - she is just being a nuisance.  I don't allow drugs or alcohol in my home just because we are grieving.  We go to community events to enjoy ourselves and do not go out of our way to shine a light on our situation.  We are trying to move on....so why does it feel like there are people out there in the world who want to keep us down and "in our place" of grief and feeling alone?

I never expected to see such ugliness in people because my husband died.

[kayc]

I am sorry for what you've been encountering, I haven't heard of people going out of their way to make someone miserable because they are grieving before but I do know people expect us to "move on" but that word isn't appropriate in vocabulary for grievers.  We will never "move on" from the person we lost, we will continue to grieve, and in time the grief will evolve, naturally and it won't look the same as it does now, but grieve we still will.
I hope you have someone supportive around, family or friends, someone.  Have you seen a grief counselor, has your kids?  It would be good to bring this up to them if so.  I'd try to avoid the ones causing trouble, I know that's hard to with a neighbor, hopefully in time things will die down a bit so it's not so hostile, that has to be hard for your kids.  What "gateway behaviors" are they specifically alluding to?  They should tell you so you can address it.  "General" accusations aren't helpful, you have to know what they're referring to if you want to address it.
I sure don't know why anyone would want to keep you down, that's horrible.  Most of us get general supportiveness even though our friends abandon us because our grief makes them feel uncomfortable.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hold your head high @DanyGreen.  You and your family have done nothing to reserve the treatment you describe.  I'm sorry that it is the negative energy people who seem to always spoil things.  Sending hugs and prayers your way.  👼💖

[Eagle-96]

I have come to the conclusion that I have to stop being surprised by the actions and reactions of people surrounding our grief. Every time I think that I have heard it all I hear something new and appalling. I had a one-on-one meeting with my boss yesterday and he asked me how I was doing outside of work. I told him how hard things were and his response was, "What part of it is hard? Probate? Getting things in order?". I wanted to scream, "I miss my wife terribly and I am a broken man. What do you think is so hard?". It really shed light on the fact that people just don't know how hard this is.

[Marie Lee]

DanyGreen - Yes, the isolation that follows widowhood is bewildering indeed... Hugs... 

Marie

[Margm]

I have mentioned that my husband's lifelong friends, I found out were not mine also.  I am also of the age that they hear the footsteps behind them that I hear and my husband heard.  Sometimes we are reminders that we are all mortal.  That does not sit well with some people.  But do not be bothered by these people, it is very true that the lions do not worry about the opinions of the sheep.

You have young children, I understand you to say.  They are suffering also..  I know from my granddaughter, some people can be cruel.  Even my husband's (and I thought my friends) do not worry me.  I do not want to be a reminder of things to come.

I mentioned one time my husband's cousin and his wife.  She and I were very close and grew closer as our children grew.  We were pregnant at the same time, but she had five children and I had two.  She had her husband and two children die in accidents.  We were at the funerals.  Then she moved away.  I had occasion to hear from a relative of Billy's and I called Mary, the cousin's widow.  She was so happy to hear from me.  We both cared deeply for each other for years, but we are both in our 70's.  After years, she remarried and has a life in another state.  The conversation was so sweet and friendly at first and then I heard the pain of hearing from me in her voice.  I did not want to cause her pain and though she said we would talk and not lose touch with each other, I told Billy that we would not talk again.  This was just before he got sick.  He had lost another cousin and that was why I called her.  I am a reminder of a happier time, and now that time is so painful for her to remember.  Some old friends and relatives are like that.  We all have our idiosyncrasies and where one thing helps one person, it bothers another.  

I'm sorry for your loss, but just remember, what you think of yourself is what counts, not your barking dog nutty neighbor.  Tell her to turn the TV up.   (I'm not trying to be insensitive to your neighbor (well, yes I am), but we do have to learn to ignore some meanness, and people are gonna always surprise us one way or the other.

[TomPB]

Sean, I've got some of the same. "Your finances are not complicated, so what's the problem?" People who expect me to "get on with my life"  don't understand the difficulty of doing that when the whole fabric of my life is gone. Probably can't understand it without our experience.

Marg, Susan was very close to her sister Sarah. We socialized a lot with her and her husband, who became a friend of mine. I have a lot of happy pictures of the four of us. Now while they reply if I reach out to them, it is crystal clear that they will never take the initiative. I wish they would ask how I'm doing or share their own grief, assuming they are having it. I guess the charitable explanation is it is painful for them. Sad.

OTOH some friends have been great.

[Gwenivere]

Sean, it's been almost 3 years and no one I know understands how hard this is.  They look at the exterior (finances, house repairs, etc) because that is all they can comprehend.  They don't know about the emotional impact of this.  I've learned to keep things to myself unless someone says something so incredibly stupid I lose it.  I have an email I need to respond to from a friend saying I have to get on with life, would I want Steve feeling this bad for so long?   Of course not, but he would have lost his wife unlike this guy who is going hither and yon with his all the time.   I'm also beyond trying to explain the unexplainable. Unless this happens to you, you'll never understand.  I wish they could, but they just can't.  I know that is what adds to the already incredible, sometimes unbearable, loneliness.   Our society wants to fix fix fix.  I honestly don't know what they expect us to do when everything we knew has changed.  All the suggestions I get do not fill the long nights and waking to know I have lost my best friend.  Who do I get to talk to about the daily things now?  Make plans with?  Enjoy meals and movies with?  Discuss life that is happening all around me?  Rely on to back me up and vice versa?  Laugh with and make decisions putting our heads together?  Yeah, I have a decent bank account.  Guess that means I'm doing fine so what's the problem?  Feh.

We live in a physical world now alone.  All those things we ourselves and others take for granted are gone.  I can count how many times a day a thought enters my head I want to express to Steve and miss him doing the same.  Connection with another on this mortal plane.  I can have imaginary conversations with him because I knew him so well.  We can only guess how it goes because that's all we have.  I miss the new thoughts.  It's painful.  I can't touch him.  There are no signs of his being present anymore.  No trash, treats, laundry or anything that denotes having my living partner.  Just what he left behind stuck in time where it was when he left.  Unused anymore without an owner.  

[Margm]

17 hours ago, TomPB said:

assuming they are having it.

Oh Tom, they are having grief and I know they miss you, but they miss you and Susan.  You, alone, makes them know Susan is gone, and it is something you face every moment of the day.  I can sometimes now conjure up Billy's whole body, I can see him as he was.  Still cannot see pictures.  The first time I did this was in the bathroom and I told him, "Billy, you know I don't share bathroom time."  Strange how this grief swells up at the most inopportune times.  I see him in the clouds.  I go outside on the porch of the apartments at night (which scares my granddaughter very much, she thinks "someone" will get me.)  But the moon and the sky and clouds bring his memory, and it is sweet, sometimes bittersweet, but it is there.  We will survive.......till we don't.  

[scba]

On Thursday, August 31, 2017 at 0:26 PM, Eagle-96 said:

Ihave come to the conclusion that I have to stop being surprised by the actions and reactions of people surrounding our grief. Every time I think that I have heard it all I hear something new and appalling. I had a one-on-one meeting with my boss yesterday and he asked me how I was doing outside of work. I told him how hard things were and his response was, "What part of it is hard? Probate? Getting things in order?". I wanted to scream, "I miss my wife terribly and I am a broken man. What do you think is so hard?". It really shed light on the fact that people just don't know how hard this is.

Sean, I have experience the same. I don't think I will ever be able to forget what I have been told, but with time, Mine is 3 years, and sadly because of too much exposure to that, my skin is thicker.

I  never mention my grief nor my feelings Related to it. Not even to my friends. Sad, but it s what it is, now. Because of that, comments ,  suggestions questions and etc About grief, they stopped. Lately, they have been about making new friends.  I hate this question. I still haven't came up with a good sharp answer to put the question to an end.

 

 

 

 

 

[ipswitch]

On 8/31/2017 at 0:12 PM, Marg M said:

 I am also of the age that they hear the footsteps behind them that I hear and my husband heard.  Sometimes we are reminders that we are all mortal.  That does not sit well with some people.

This, so much.  I suspect most people actually do mean well, but have no idea what to say, especially after the first few weeks.  The platitudes that seem appropriate early on (he's in a better place) don't work nearly as well (eye roll) later on.

Our society stigmatizes and averts it's eyes from the journey we will all take one day. 

[Margm]

1 hour ago, ipswitch said:

Our society stigmatizes and averts it's eyes from the journey we will all take one day. 

My heart has been frozen, or wax laden, but showing love like I used to do, being thoughtful of other people, I lack the ability to have that love.  Circling around me somewhere is that feeling and my sister told me I needed to go see my dad's younger brother.  He is nine years older than me, was a coach and principal for many years and after retirement was a city official, then had another job.  He did not do it for the money, he liked working.  One of the best looking men I have ever seen (can I say that about an uncle?), hey, I live in Louisiana.  He married the college beauty, homecoming queen, perfect mate and they had perfect children with perfect grandchildren and great grandchildren.  (Of course none of them thought they were perfect, but to me they seemed pretty damn close.)  My uncle picked up as the patriarch of the family when my dad passed away.  Kept in perfect physical condition, but somehow even perfect is not good enough.  He has had two strokes, came out of both of them with minor irregularities. Slower somehow.  (He was at the hospital gym for both strokes.) So, me in my igloo life was told by my sister to go see him.  Okay, it has been a year since I saw him.  Never saw their new home in the gated community they had built..........10 years ago.  How wonderful am I?  He always came to see me after any illness, having my children, has always been there.  I visited the part of town we lived in for all my kids school years.  Town/city has stretched out many miles and they lived off the same main drag we lived on but many miles out.  My emotions have splatted all over the place.  Nothing familiar, but my sweet uncle and aunt.  One lesson learned.  "No man is an island" no matter how hard we try to hide.  (And, I know I will hear different.)  I hate for the ice/wax to melt from around my heart, I have grown so tired of crying at coffee commercials, dog food commercials, weed-be-gone commercials.  

I left him with a book I used to read my dad when he was so sick.  Laughter is wonderful medicine.  This was written by Patrick McManus "They Shoot Canoes Don't They."  Daddy had an infectious laugh, I would have to quit reading he and I would laugh so much.  I think reading is one of my uncle's rehab exercises.  The stories are short.  I hope he can laugh with his wife.  My heart is in my throat this week-end.  I have a hiatal hernia, so it has room to fit in very cozy-like.  

[kevin]

Dany Green, don't give what the "ZERO" people say or do a second thought...You do and manage your family within your compass only...Don't let  this Noise rattle you....This is ignorance on your neighbors part....until two years ago, I could have been painted with the same brush...this Grief is total different universe of feelings...DG, hang in...

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Marg M said:

"No man is an island" no matter how hard we try to hide.

This is true, yet somehow in our depressed state we can FEEL like an island, all alone, uncared about.  What's relevant isn't how much truth there is to it, but what WE FEEL, because to us, that is our reality that we live with.  While we can do things to help ourselves with this feeling, it can still hit us now and then.  What scares me is how some people feel that way ALL of the time, because to them, that has to be way overwhelming, and my heart goes out to them.  Hmm, I notice grammar check doesn't like the word "uncared", interesting, neither do we like feeling it.
Marg, your uncle sounds like a really remarkable man, a great one to have as patriarch of the family.

 

14 hours ago, Marg M said:

 One of the best looking men I have ever seen (can I say that about an uncle?), hey, I live in Louisiana.

This gave me a good laugh!

[Margm]

The men and women that wrote the poems, the books, death has touched all of them, all of us.  I mentioned that I was able to conjure up my Billy, unfortunately not the human alive Billy, and I am again talking to him, just like he can hear me.  I beg him to help me, but I know he cannot.  Every time I take the trash out to the big dumpster I remember him saying "that's my job."  He was the only one who knew how to run a dishwasher, he loved it, I won't use it.  "That's his job."  

"One short sleep past, we wake eternally  And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die." from "Death Be Not Proud" by John Donne.  I am sure the authors from the 1600's and 1700's knew death as intimately as we do now.  

I was talking to a neighbor on  the porch.  A young man was with us.  This older widow mentioned that she was ready to get back into the mainstream of things and asked me if I wasn't ready also.  I have not known the young man long, but like my son, he answered for me.  He said "no, she has had her one and only."  

We are not all the same.  Some of you  will find happiness again with another mate.  You think that is the furthermost thought in your mind, and some will not, cannot.  Maybe there is truth about one true love, maybe some might have more than one.  I don't know, but I wish peace and happiness for those that it falls into their laps.  

I do have family and the good Lord knows, I hope I go before I lose another person.   I have lost grandparents, uncles, aunts, close, very close cousins, father, mother, but none had the sting as losing my mate.

It is hard to pull ourselves up from this quicksand of despair,  sometimes we do not have the strength, sometimes we have no choice.  

I wonder sometimes if my mama was so unhappy and that is why she escaped into the poetry, Shakespeare, and the Bible.  I grew up mixing them all.  I wanted to go off into the deep woods with my bottle of 50 morphine, there seemed no reason to live.  He was the dominant spirit, he was the loving parent, grandparent, and I was my mother and grandmother, shells of women that were.  

[iPraiseHim]

Marg, You may call your prose "word salads" yet they are the most thought provoking and soul stirring words put to pen.Yes.. this grief journey is fraught with twists, turns, and unknown curves but still we journey forward.  The most frightening and awakening moment is when we we see ourselves as we truly are in the midst of mask and facades most people hid behind in their daily walk.  We cannot unsee what we saw and have experienced through, death, grief, and loss. But we gain a perspective to life that is more precious and quality driven than most others do.  We KNOW what we have lost and cherish it all the more.  

I appreciate your sharing of your soul because it enlightens us in ways you may not fully grasp. The struggle is real.  We are still alive among the living while mourning the death of our beloved.  Peace to you, Marg.  - Shalom (God's perfect Peace), George   

[Margm]

George we all follow each other's life now that we all grieve so terribly.  Fifty-four years with the same man seems like a lifetime and for some of you on this forum, it is longer than your own life.  I now feel fortunate to have had all those years.  We had a stormy beginning and things that could have ruined most marriages.  We hit a time when we could sit down and discuss our marriage, my revenge for the mental abuse and his finally opening up and admitting he knew he was doing it.  What became of it all was a fine and perfect peace between two people that married as kids and grew up with our own kids, accepted all our frailties as husband, wife, and  parents and grandparents.  We developed a trust and love that was deeper than I ever thought possible.  In his illness my 5 feet developed a super strength  that I did not know was possible. But, he had an inborn dignity and ego that did not want me to do this and I wanted him to fight harder, but it was too advanced and I had to let him go, very stubbornly unwillingly.  We both prepared for each other should one of us leave, although that was not really discussed, but if either left, we had a safety net for living, if not for the will to live alone.  

Thank you George.  You and I both believe in prayer, and we all need God's perfect peace.  You are truly a good man.  

[Cookie]

On 8/31/2017 at 5:11 PM, Gwenivere said:

Sean, it's been almost 3 years and no one I know understands how hard this is.  They look at the exterior (finances, house repairs, etc) because that is all they can comprehend.  They don't know about the emotional impact of this.  I've learned to keep things to myself unless someone says something so incredibly stupid I lose it.  I have an email I need to respond to from a friend saying I have to get on with life, would I want Steve feeling this bad for so long?   Of course not, but he would have lost his wife unlike this guy who is going hither and yon with his all the time.   I'm also beyond trying to explain the unexplainable. Unless this happens to you, you'll never understand.  I wish they could, but they just can't.  I know that is what adds to the already incredible, sometimes unbearable, loneliness.   Our society wants to fix fix fix.  I honestly don't know what they expect us to do when everything we knew has changed.  All the suggestions I get do not fill the long nights and waking to know I have lost my best friend.  Who do I get to talk to about the daily things now?  Make plans with?  Enjoy meals and movies with?  Discuss life that is happening all around me?  Rely on to back me up and vice versa?  Laugh with and make decisions putting our heads together?  Yeah, I have a decent bank account.  Guess that means I'm doing fine so what's the problem?  Feh.

We live in a physical world now alone.  All those things we ourselves and others take for granted are gone.  I can count how many times a day a thought enters my head I want to express to Steve and miss him doing the same.  Connection with another on this mortal plane.  I can have imaginary conversations with him because I knew him so well.  We can only guess how it goes because that's all we have.  I miss the new thoughts.  It's painful.  I can't touch him.  There are no signs of his being present anymore.  No trash, treats, laundry or anything that denotes having my living partner.  Just what he left behind stuck in time where it was when he left.  Unused anymore without an owner.  

Gwen:  Like many times in the past, you have stated very closely what I feel too.  I am so lonely for John, and truly no one seems to understand how hard it is to feel okay again.  In the beginning, I desperately hung on to the idea that in a year or two I would emerge from this darkness and feel better.  Well, I'm not saying it's the same, but it's still dark and it still takes a lot of effort to keep on going.  I do a lot of things, even laugh, but the pain is always there at the core and it gets so tiring with intense painful episodes always lurking.  I had someone ask me just yesterday if I wasn't closer to others because I lost John.  Can't imagine where that thinking came from.  Wish I was.  He was the closest I have ever come to anybody and the loss of him is deadening.  Anyway, we keep on going and I do keep on hoping this will turn around.  I so want just peace with this.  Take care, Cookie

[Cookie]

On 8/25/2017 at 10:59 PM, DanyGreen said:

Hi -

It has been just over 5 months since I lost my husband suddenly.  At first, there were so many things to take care of - his final arrangements, making sure my kids and I were okay financially, everything around the house seemed to break, etc. - that I just put my head down and took care of what needed to be taken care of.  We had so much support from our family, friends and community, I truly felt that we were so blessed it was almost to good to be true.  

About a month ago, we started to feel the first bits of settling and some peace and then the most bewildering things started to happen.  A neighbor who we have know for years reports my dogs to Animal Control for barking, my son's best friend's parents accuse me of allowing "gateway" behaviors to occur in my home, and in general people began to shun my kids and I at community events - openly and with some hostility.  Animal Control told me not to worry about the neighbor - she is just being a nuisance.  I don't allow drugs or alcohol in my home just because we are grieving.  We go to community events to enjoy ourselves and do not go out of our way to shine a light on our situation.  We are trying to move on....so why does it feel like there are people out there in the world who want to keep us down and "in our place" of grief and feeling alone?

I never expected to see such ugliness in people because my husband died.

Very sorry for what's happened to you.  People are so clueless about how difficult and intense this is.  They will never know until it happens to them or maybe not know because they weren't close to the person.  I have experienced so many incidents of careless, thoughtless people due to that.  I have also experienced great kindness and caring.  Unfortunately, it doesn't take your pain away.  The clueless ones can trigger such intense pain and emotions.  Hugs to you, Cookie

[TomPB]

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

I was talking to a neighbor on  the porch.  A young man was with us.  This older widow mentioned that she was ready to get back into the mainstream of things and asked me if I wasn't ready also.  I have not known the young man long, but like my son, he answered for me.  He said "no, she has had her one and only."  

We are not all the same.  Some of you  will find happiness again with another mate.  You think that is the furthermost thought in your mind, and some will not, cannot.  Maybe there is truth about one true love, maybe some might have more than one.  I don't know, but I wish peace and happiness for those that it falls into their laps.  

Marg, that is on my mind. I think Susan was my one and only, but I also HATE living alone, so I really can't say how things will play out.

I think there should be a group home where those who have lost a soul mate could support each other.

[Margm]

20 hours ago, TomPB said:

I think Susan was my one and only

I don't know the difference in men's grief and women's grief.  From all I read, it is the same.  I am probably old enough, and strangely, as insane as I am most of the time, I know that there could be no one else for me.  But, most everyone on here is younger than I am, like I said, some are younger than my years of marriage.  I am only too human.  I would ruin another relationship because it could not compare, and without saying a word, the other person would know.  As jealous as Billy was (and it was due to his young home life), I think he would find a way to come visit so he could give me the silent treatment with those beautiful blue eyes shooting darts at me.  I'd like to see him, but not on those terms.  Some mates want their husbands or wives to find happiness.  Even if Billy is an angelic creature now, I know what his feelings were before he left.  An old classmate came by for a friend's hospital visit, long ago friend, classmate, nothing more, and Billy was crawling out of the bed, tube in his nose, he was leaving AMA.  I know it was because he knew what was happening to him and knew there were live people left in the world.  By this time the cancer had reached his brain, or it was the aneurysm, and he could not think normally.  Some of it, the future is simple, and I do want to die of boredom.  

[Dr Lenera]

On ‎9‎/‎3‎/‎2017 at 11:30 PM, ipswitch said:

This, so much.  I suspect most people actually do mean well, but have no idea what to say, especially after the first few weeks.  The platitudes that seem appropriate early on (he's in a better place) don't work nearly as well (eye roll) later on.

Our society stigmatizes and averts it's eyes from the journey we will all take one day. 

I think you've stated it perfectly. Many people find it hard to deal with folk like us because it reminds them of what is gradually creeping up on them though they try not to think about it.

In a way I think it feels like we're damned if we do and damned if we don't.

If we do our very best to get on with things and move on and at least pretend to be happy, many people seem to think there's something 'wrong' with that, almost as if it's preferable that we look and act thoroughly miserable every day, and even insulting to the person who's died [I've got that vibe a couple of times from a family member and it nearly brought me to tears]. But on the other hand....if we make little attempt to disguise how we really feel and tell it like it actually is, folk just find it hard to handle or suggest in so many words that we're dwelling unnecessarily on the "past" and the "negative"....as if there's really a positive to it all!

[ipswitch]

Forty or so years ago I worked with a woman old enough to be my mother.  She remembered in her growing-up years that widows limited their clothing colors to black for some months (Three? Six?  I don't remember) and then moved on to include gray and lavender for some time after that.  I've never looked at lavender the same way since. Some widowers wore black armbands.  We have very few rituals left.  Part of me wonders if we wouldn't be well served to revive some of the old customs.  We maybe would be kinder, and gentler with one another if we we presented with reminders that other people were dealing with loss.

[KATPILOT]

That's a really good thought.  Once you have been there yourself  you always wonder what any stranger might be enduring. One who has never lost someone would never think to cut a person some slack. I wore my brides engagement ring around my neck for a while after she died and most people recognized why I did that. They tend to give you a little kindness when they know you are grieving.  It doesn't work on every person though. There are always those kind of jerks.

Someone posted this before on our site but it rings quite true in this case too.

[kayc]

I think they used to wear black for a year but I don't think they wore bright colors after...I don't think I'd like being limited to somber colors the rest of my life, but it is a good outward reminder to the rest of the world of what took place and that you're still affected.