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Emmie

Unsure Of the Next Step

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First thank you for this site. I've read around and see that our family isn't alone. For that I'm grateful.

 

Our story is much like others. My husband for the last couple years hasn't been himself. More and more often he has angry, cruel moments where I too feel angry. 

 

My father in law past away almost ten years now, and my mother in law will have been a year next month. Thankfully I was blessed to be a stay at home Mom so I took care of both of them during this time. We moved two years ago, and I took care of my mother in law until her passing day. To me at times I feel I might be an interesting personality. I'm a peacemaker, but sometimes that means taking sides when I feel things aren't right. We have two children of which that are at home. One is older and the other is a teen. The oldest is working, but working nights. Sometimes I feel it is a good thing. My husband picks fights with the oldest on a daily basis. 

 

Sadly the fights are nit picky, but I most of the time ignore them and ask the oldest to ignore them as well. He changed jobs{when we moved two years ago} in which was difficult for him too. He works too many hours and feels underappreciated. {At this same time I've started my own business.} Since the work load for him is too much at times I've asked him to ask the company for me to help him at his work. He hasn't received a response. Lately he has just been plain rude. My son loves to cook and is looking to do this for his profession. Last night I worked late and he offered to make dinner. It was a considerate notion and he wanted the food to be hot when I came home. I let him know I would be home at seven pm. After the food was made my husband said it was too late to eat and he wouldn't eat what he worked hard to make for the family. To many this may seem petty, but it is a constant thing. If I get home late and cook he will eat no matter what. 

 

These petty feelings make us fight. To me I'm appreciative of the help and his delivery of his comments are rude. I honestly don't know how much more of these feelings I can endure. I'm a private person and I don't believe in airing all my laundry so to speak. Please give honesty solutions or experiences that can help. I would like to go to counseling or Hospice for grieving, but I know he will not go. I've tried and just don't know what else to do. 

 

From the bottom of my heart thank you.

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Hi, welcome here.  I'm a little confused, it sounds like you're wanting help with your marriage but this site is more for grievers.  Marriagebuilders.com is a good one to go to with help for marriage problems, it's a great source of help, I belonged to it for years when I was previously married.

Also, since this is anticipatory grief section, usually people post in that section when they are going through end of life with someone they love, be it husband, parent, or other.  I don't see you mention where you are anticipating the death of someone, but rather your in-laws passed...I don't see you say anything about anyone else's health.  

You do say you'd like to go to grief counseling but your husband doesn't want to go.  Everyone doesn't grieve the same and some don't want to open up to strangers, but you are right, grief counseling can be of good help, so I would encourage you to give it a try yourself.  Make sure it's a professional grief counselor (with a degree in Thanitology) as not all counselors or therapist are the same, and some are not trained in grief and can do more damage than good with regards to it.

I, too, took care of my MIL when she was bedridden with cancer for three years, in her home, as well as having little ones to keep up with and caring for my own home.  Being a caregiver is exhausting and then when you lose the person, you can feel loss of purpose and feel so empty.  You go on adrenaline for so long you don't know what to do when it stops.  Hospice often has help available...for myself I couldn't take advantage of it because it was so far away and it wasn't feasible to commute, especially when they'd hold their sessions at night.  If you live in the city where it's available, you might want to give it a try.

It sounds like you've raised a wonderful caring son.  I'm not sure why your husband would pick on him, have you asked him?  Sometimes people do that when they remind them of someone else they haven't gotten along with.  It could have nothing to do with your son himself.  

I do hope you get the help you need.  Your husband may be lashing out because he doesn't feel well, a trip to the doctor might be in line.  Most of the time doctors don't want wives to come in with their husband, so a phone call to the doctor's office with some information to help the doctor know what to consider or look for might be in line. 

Good luck with this, it's not an easy situation!

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Indeed it seems as though your concern is your husband's grieving and how to handle it going forward. It sounds very hard on you all and brings back memories of when my husband struggled with his father's relatively young death. His anger was palpable. I know you said your husband is not open to any counseling but  please click here. You may consider talking alone to this free counseling service that may help you with ideas how to help your husband and family. I am praying for you; feel free to reach out any time. 

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