Jump to content

Recommended Posts

It has been 50 days since my fiancé  passed away.  I feel my life shattered and our future gone.   Excuse my rambling but my thoughts are all over the place.    We were each other's best friend.   Now I am alone. I cry mostly alone in private.  And every day.  Throughout the day.  He was only 51.  We have know each other almost 14 years.    It was a long distance relationship and we had been planning for years for me to move by him.  But financially was not able to.  But we have talked about every day.  We spoke of marriage for years.    I have 2 kids living with me. Plus pets.  I have visited over the years so,we had spent time together and memories.     He was very private person but I,was,lucky to get to know him.           I know he loved me so much and I loved him too.  We spoke 2 to 3 times everyday for over 13 years.   Then aug 14    Monday we spoke in the morning before I went to work.  He was stressed about money and bills.   I,tried to reassure him that it will be ok.   We said our usual "love you miss you appreciate you and look forward to being there."  That was the last time we spoke        I called at our time that night. But he didn't answer.   I thought maybe the phone had problems. Or he didn't pay the bill.    Even though that was something he always made sure it was paid. Cuz that was our connection to talk   I called in the morning at our usual time but still no,answer.   By now I am panicking a bit.   After work I called area hospitals.  Ok I can't write anymore right now. Too much.  Too much pain. I miss him too much.    I have no one to,talk too so,I just cry

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So alone 

So sorry to hear about the sudden loss of your fiancée.  I know you are devastated and words can not help.  You have come to a good place.  We have all been through the loss of our special love and understand what you are going through.  Feel free to post as much as you feel comfortable doing.  Our thoughts are with you.    Gin

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, So Alone said:

Too much pain. I miss him too much.    I have no one to,talk too so,I just cry

So Alone,

I lost my darling wife Tammy more than 2 and a half years ago and the pain and the tears are still there. She was only 45. Losing someone who you love more than life itself is something none of us could ever prepare for. It's our worst nightmare come true.

I know you said you have no one to talk to, but let me tell you, the members here understand what you're going through. We all live with this grief, this pain and this sadness 24/7. It's all encompassing.

Please continue to post here. It will help. Your grief journey is just starting and believe me, along the way, a compassionate, understanding ear makes a big difference.

Thank you for your first post, that's not an easy thing to do.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Mitch

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So Alone,

My love was long distance as well. She was in Texas, and I am in North Carolina.  We were planning a future, but both had remaining complications from our respective divorces, so our plans had to be for 3 years down the pike. She also died suddenly. There were health issues, but I thought they were things we would deal with.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, this grief is devastating, paralyzing and unforgiving. I have to say the folks here are life-savers.  Nothing can take away the pain, but we all KNOW like no one else can, in most of our experience.  I do not contribute a lot, but I come here every day. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So Alone,

I'm so sorry.  I know ow painful this is.  My husband had just turned 51 when he had a heart attack and died.  It feels all too soon, way too young.  Our future...gone.  Left with emptiness and loneliness instead. You will make it through this, I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but if I did, you will too.  My husband and I were everything to each other, always together, so in love.  We talked about everything together.  I've learned to take one day at a time, not look at the rest of my life, it's too much, just do today. Then tomorrow get up and do it all over again.  It helps to just take that one bit, it's enough to deal with.

It helps to come here and express yourself to people who get it.  Come back when you're ready, we're here, we're listening.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I thought of you when I read this just now, So Alone:

And So It Must Always Be, by Alison Miller

In the before moments

As you hold tight while trying to let go

Waiting for that last breath

Dreading that last breath

Holding your breath waiting for that last breath

Gasping in your breath as he exhales his last breath

Long Live Love

As you sit and stand and pace and stare

Wondering at this new world of without

With only your breath in it

Where once the two of you breathed the same air

Restless and sleeping but not sleeping til you don’t even know what it is to sleep and wake rested

Long Live Love

As you stumble and fall and get up and fall again

And determination and grit lock your knees and stand you up day after day

While you can’t imagine living

But you aren’t dying even though you don’t understand how you aren’t dying

Because how can you not die of a broken heart

But you somehow keep living

Long Live Love

And birthdays and anniversaries and death days seep into one year and another

And the missing-ness is impossible and unbearable

Yet here you are still

Determined and broken and broken but determined

And all you know to do is let Love be stronger until it becomes bigger and more powerful than anything and everything else...

Long Live Love

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So alone, that's how I feel too. I feel that way now even with friends. On 3/31/17 my other half, who blessed me with 48 years of unconditional love, left this life with no warning, no chance to say goodbye. That makes it so much worse. It's a hard new life, or as some have called it now "life sentence". Sharing with those who been there is one of the best things to do, and you can do that here. Everyone here knows how you feel, and most other people do not. Tom 🐼

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am sorry for your loss...tomorrow mark's 2 years and 2 mos since i lost my husband...i had warning and a chance to say good bye so i don't understand it happening suddenly - oh, he was only 52.  Talking about it and sharing has helped.   The pain and grief is normal too...Plus joining a group like griefshare when you are ready helped me.  Anyway, praying for you and i'm here if you need a listening ear.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you so very much everyone for your responses and words.  They mean so much to me. Each and everyone I have read over and over.  I feel my life has shattered and our future is gone.  Hence what's the point of anything really but I put one foot in front of the other. We had spent years preparing for the move.  We both wanted family dinners and holiday memories together   Just a regular life with each other  So I have a lot of things I saved over the years for our time our future.  he was everything to me.  He  was the light at the end of the tunnel. His love and words of encouragement help me through so many times.  Knowing that we were meant to be together and I would be with him got me through so many scary times.  If anything happened I knew I could go to him.   Now I can't grasp Anything and am so scared

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Since he passed I had been googling him name and town to see if it is real.  I know if makes no sense but I guess it is a way of being in denial and dealing with everything. His obituary came up yesterday.   That was rough and hard to see.  It hurts my heart to see it,

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I knew something was wrong on aug 15 in the morning.  He lived in California. And I live in Illinois     We last spoke in the morning of aug 14th.    On the 15th I called area hospitals cuz I knew something was wrong.  His sister and family live not to far from him but I didn't have contact info to call them.   I googled her work and left messages tues and Wednesday for her to call me. I said it had to do with her brother and left my name and number.   After couple of days someone from her office called. And said she didn't know who I was?   I was stung and confused    Friday her husband called me from in front of my fiancé house. There was a box of food I ordered for him still in front of the door.   I explained everything and he called the police  he waited about 4 or 5 hours for the police to come that nite.  Once inside the house they found him in his bed dead.    The husband text me  not called.  He said the police found him and that he passed away peacefully in his sleep     WHAT.  I was beyond words    That was it. No phone call no response from his sister.   I had texted him to say I had bought a plane ticket to visit my fiancée  over the Labor Day weekend coming in sun and leaving Wednesday.  I did that cuz I was worried and want to see if he was depressed or something.   He had been very down cuz of property taxes and money.  I wished I was able to help him m but was not able to.    I  couldn't get a hold of anyone so you figure I go and see how he was doialso no as a surprise.   His brother in law said they had to do  automspy by law I ask to be kept informed.   I' told him we spoke ever single day.  I knew he changed his sleeping pill lately and went to dr on aug 2 due to back pan.  Dr said ihe was ok.       

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I get a text on Wednesday aug 30th they released his body and furneral was for that Friday sept 1      I was hurt because I could not be there and I said  I had planned on coming in on Sunday.     I don't have that type  of money to fly out in 2 days notice    

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I asked if someone could take some pictures since I could not go.  I explained that we were very close and planned for us to,be together. We had known each other and "been together " almost 14 years.   

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 I went out there on sept 3rd in the afternoon  first thing I did was take an uber to his house.    They think it may have be some type of mode or something and everything in house was emptied out.   I came to an  empty house.  Nothing was left. Except the 2green chairs I sent him in the back yard.  They were for us to set and enjoy outside. It was like all of a sudden he never existed nor did I or us.   All I could think of was. WHY.    How could he leave me and leave us.   So I went around town for the time I was there going to sleep me of the places we went together. Mostly crying through the day. This shouldn't be.     

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I called my oldest daughter and just stated crying.    It was like he didn't exist.  And I am left wounded.   I have nothing left of him nothing    I realized legally I don't have right to anything but everything was gone   -14 years!!!  My daughter asked for his brother in law cell number and called him several times leaving messages   By now it was Monday nite and I only have 1 day left there   I was finally able to talk to him Tuesday morning and he said he had a few pictures they found he would give me   We met in parking lot   Spoke for almost 1 hour  -again me crying mostly   I spoke of thing he had told me of his family  and how much he met to me   I asked how  any people came to cementary  he said about a dozen   Only family came   He said he had no friends.      He did send me the 2 chairs back to me in Illinois which I am thankful   They are still in the boxes    I have not spoken with fiancé  sister  I have asked via text if they would like some pictures of him over the years since they didn't have any but no response   I called to thank him for the chairs and asked if there is an email for me to send somethings via email     He asked i text him my email and he will respond    Still waiting   Sorry to keep rambling on but I can't help it right now      nothing makes sense   I am numb and in disbelief  and beyond  shattered   Thank you for listening to me

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Seeing the orbit just makes it more real.      I still call his cell home just so I can hear a recording and sometimes I leave a message for him.  I know it makes no sense but I have to

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry this happened toyou - you don't have closure.  I suggest a support group and/or counseling...maybe you can do a memorial for him for you to have that closure.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So Alone,

I'm so sorry, I really wish they would have considered you when they set the date for the funeral so you could have been there and you could have gone through and kept some of his things.  There should have been communication from his family.  Different people handle grief differently, some clean out everything immediately as if trying to purge themselves of the painful reminders.  Others build a shrine and want to keep everything as it is, as if it keeps them here.  And then there's every response in between.  But one thing I've learned, it helps for all to regard each other in their loss...but this comes at a time when it's hard to think with any clarity, we're emotional and definitely none of us at our best.  I hope you do get some contact with his family.  Alas I know we can't control how the other responds...or doesn't...only our own response.  As amstcole suggested, perhaps you can do something in his memory that will be of help to you.  When my little sister's nearly two year old child died, they had a fountain with cherubs put into their back yard where her ashes were spread.  They were in a rental and when they moved, they took the fountain with them.  I've seen people who created memorial gardens in their memory.  I bought a stone from https://www.personalcreations.com/personalized-memorial-stones-psememo to place in my backyard when my husband died, along with his ashes.  They are especially helpful if you don't have access to a burial site or ashes as it can be a place you come to in his memory.  These kinds of things can be helpful to us who mourn and forever miss our loved one.  I wish peace for your soul, I know this is harder than words can express.

 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

amstcole,

Thinking of you today.  I know of no easy way to make it through their death anniversary, no one size fits all way to go through it.  Whatever seems best for you is the best way.  You certainly are in my prayers today.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey there! My name is Sydnee. I lost my boyfriend 8 months ago today. This process is difficult and sometimes very dark. Support and counseling is how I have made it through so far. These forums may help a lot, there are also facebook pages you can join. Please reach out, you don't have to do this alone. I recently started a non-profit organization called Friends Through Grief Foundation. We have a social network to help connect people who have lost there partners. There aren't many users yet, but maybe some one there can help? Everyone in this forum seems very understanding and helpful. Continue reaching out. I am so sorry for your loss. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sydneem,

I am so sorry for your loss.  This is the hardest thing I've ever been through but this forum has been a lifesaver to me.  I'm glad you've found a way through this, it does help to have other to go through it with, a place to go to where you can express  yourself.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So Alone and Sydneem.... I am so sorry for both of your losses.. This forum is a wonderful place to come and share your stories. There is so much love here. Take care of yourselves and be kind to yourself. Wishing you both Peace..Marie

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you everyone for your kinds words and thoughts.   This is a terrible pain we deal with- a lost of our heart and soul is gone when our love one passes.  Life is never the same 

 

 

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So Alone, there are different areas in these forums that I was not aware of because I had everything bookmarked for this one area.  I came after a loss of only three days.  In the over two years my memory would not let me concentrate and, this forum, and books I picked out with authors having "had their feet to the coals" in the same way as I felt, they helped validate my odd feelings.  Maybe not odd, but certainly different, being alone.  I found lots of books, some helped, some actually made things worse.  I realized I was one personality and there were millions and millions that were not like me.  (Thank goodness.)  But the loss itself, was like a powerful explosion in my head and I could not concentrate.  I am only now advancing to other subjects and my memory and concentration, both are lacking..  

I went to a psychiatrist many years ago (I am definitely not a spring chicken), and the anxiety and fear that I had from guilt and a cancer I was trying to overcome, losing my father and two best friends to cancer all within months of each other, and I guess a survivor's guilt also, I started having problems that I thought were definite signs of my insanity.  She assured me that it was the brain protecting me at these times, and since then I have allowed my brain to go at its own pace and do not  worry at changes.  It seems simple enough to put one foot in front of the other and just carry on.  It is not easy and there are many pitfalls.  I have let my brain protect me from seeing those last moments and also have left some guilt behind.

Quotes do not always help me anymore, but one quote by Rose Kennedy, I repeat very often, her feet went through the flames many times. 

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×