8 months to everyone else

[Sydneem]

It has been 8 months today since I lost my love, Kyle. No one has mentioned Kyle's name today except for me and his mother. How is this possible? How does my family not know how much pain I am in? This seems unbearable at times. I feel as though I go in and out of all of the grief stages in one day. I know he is not here physically, but to me he still is. I lost my best friend, my future, and the love of my life.  Sometimes I feel like all people can compare my loss to is a break-up or a divorce. Does anyone feel this way? I understand that no one around me know what it is like to lose the love of your life.... which makes me feel even more alone... and I thought that wasn't possible. No one knows what to say, but I really just want them to ask me about him or share a memory. I want to hear his name out loud. 

I try to hold my head up for Kyle. I know that's what he would want me to do, but this is so difficult. I am constantly reminded of his death, memories, our planned future, flashback of finding him, etc. When people compliment my new house I can't help but think, "well it's not me and Kyle's house anymore so who cares." Nothing is the same without him. The world seems gray. I know I have the rest of my life, but most of the time I don't want it... not without him. Having the rest of my life will never take this pain away. I find myself constantly zoning out when people are talking to me... As if they even notice. People are so caught up in their lives. I feel as though I'm suffering alone in the world around me.  Sorry there wasn't much positive content in this post, today has been one of those days.  

[MaxwellLeech]

I know how much it hurts. I am with you Everything will go alright soon!

[JudyK]

Please try to find a grief support group in your area and attend meetings.  It has been 5 months since my husband passed and the meetings have really helped me.  You will find needed support and sharing.  Grief is the most agonizing and horrible pain we will ever feel.  Ever.  Tell your family and friends what you need from them, for example, I need your support, affection, love.  The more you talk about Kyle out loud the more they will feel comfortable doing it too.  There is so much on the internet about the afterlife and how our loved ones are always with us.  There's a lot on YouTube also, and many books on grieving  and the afterlife that are very helpful.

You are not alone, ever.  

 

[kayc]

Amen to that!  I lead a grief support group and we're going to take a break over winter (snow area), everyone is elderly.  I'm already thinking of ways we can connect and support each other through the winter.  The support groups can be very helpful and forge friendships with others that get it.

[TomPB]

Sydneem, everything you say goes for me too, at a little over 6 months from losing my other half. Those who have not lost a soul mate have NO IDEA of what this is like, but everyone here does.  I'm doing everything possible. I have a period of OK-ness and then think, she's really gone. I have to live the rest of my life without Susan's beautiful smile. That's gonna work? Really?

Best wishes Tom 🐼

[Taterccino]

Hi sydneem, I relate a lot to your feelings and also feeling as though no one understands the emotions running rampant in your mind. What struck me most about your story (it actually led me to create an account JUST to leave this comment) was when you said you wished people would ask about your SO, share memories-just something to hear his name said aloud. Everyday I wish the same about mine. I do not know how strange this would be, but if you want to contact each other outside of this website, I would love to listen to your guys' story. I understand what it feels like and truly wanting just to tell your story. I would love to lend a listening ear if you want. It gets more bearable with time, though not 'easier', I promise.

[martha jane]

yesterday was ten months since my husband died, 11 months since he left our house for the last time. I thought by now it would get a little easier but it is getting harder.  I want so much to leave this house. There are so many reminders, I know every place in the house where he fell. The marks where he held on to the door facings to get around still show. The last shoes he wore are sitting by the dresser. I have taken his clothes down out of the closet, but where do I put them. They are in boxes still in the living room. I don't want to give them to a thrift store, I can't stand the thoughts of them being there for sale.  My daughter in law wants a few of his shirts to make pillows, I have promised to send them but I can't get motivated to pack them to mail.  I get up every morning with plans to do something like house or yard work but I wind up just sitting, wasting time.  I don't feel any closeness with him or with the Lord. I feel deserted. I went to church for the first time since way before he died. People were friendly but I really just wanted to leave.  The night that Kenneth died, my daughters and I, not knowing how close he was to leaving, went out to eat. A man from my church saw me and he didn't know that Kenneth was even sick. He said as everyone says in a deep and sincere voice IF there is anything I can do please let me know. I said there was nothing and he said Don't rob me of a blessing, let me do something.  We left and went back to the hospital and realized that something had changed and we knew he was going to die. We stood at his bedside and watched it happen. He just drew a breath and that was the last one. It was very peaceful but I wish I hadn't seen it. The hospice people came and we left the room, his color was already fading to gray. He had been lying with his mouth wide open and his head drawn back, he looked so pitiful. I asked the hospice nurse to please close it. She came to me and told me that she couldn't . It wouldn't close. I hid so I wouldn't see them take his body from the bed. It seemed impossible that he was gone and I was feeling nothing. Now after 10 months it is getting worse and worse. I talked about the man from my church because he did not attend the funeral and I have not seen or heard one word from him. It was all an act. a fake caring. There has been a lot of that . My sister in law, my husbands baby sister has not called since he died. She is afraid she will cry. I have not heard from his brother in two or three months. But if I need anything I am to let him know.  I wish people would just not say things like that because most of the time they don't mean it . I have a young man who keeps two cows in my pasture. He has been better to me than any of my relatives. He has brought me lunch three times, checks on me , has fed my cats when I go away, If he sees something that is amiss he will call me. He is what I consider a true Christian. I do not like asking for help, I would rather pay someone but it is disappointing that few people seem to care. I don't know what to do with myself.  My son and his family came from San Francisco to visit and I enjoyed it but I knew how it would be when they left. My daughter comes every other weekend but when she leaves  I am so sad that I cry but she doesn't know it.  My daughter in Vermont calls me every day. But I am afraid she will catch me crying. I guess I sound crazy and maybe I am. At my age there is not too much to look forward to. I can't build a new life.  Even when I am doing things trying to enjoy myself there is a backdrop of sadness and hurt. I never wake up in the morning with a feeling of a new day to enjoy life. This town is so sad for me. I see places we lived, places where we ate, rivers that we swam in and camped beside. I can't bear to see the sun sparkling on the water or a sailboat in the wind.  His cane is still sitting in the corner where he kept it unless he had misplaced it. These memories make my heart hurt so bad. I am afraid what my future is going to be like and he is not here to stand beside me like I did for him. My one comfort is knowing that it is better that he went first because he needed me so bad to take care of him. If he had been left he would have had to go to a nursing home. He would be worse off than I am.  But that still does not make me feel any better. I just wish I had more faith that he is somewhere well and happier than he has ever been and he is young again, strong and healthy, able to run and walk and do all the things he enjoyed before he got Parkinson's.  I believe if there is a heaven he is there or perhaps he is asleep and in the blink of an eye for him the Lord will come and raise him up.  I did not intend to write a book when I got started but I have to tell someone my thoughts. 

[Taterccino]

Martha, I think one of the most comforting ways of grieving is through telling others about your significant other and your stories together. I completely understand how a simple message can turn into something so much more-it can be therapeutic. One suggestion I was given in the beginning was to write my thoughts and feelings down. Whether it is worded to your love or to an 'outsider' just write it down. Even if no one reads it, it can serve as an outlet. Eventually the positive memories will begin to creep out and some days those happy memories will be the only thing to get you through the day. As for the changing feelings about your religion- I understand. How can you truly decide what you believe? Of course all of us hope for an afterlife in which we can reunite with our other halves. It is okay to change your views; even if you end up changing them again and again later on down the road. Right now the only focus is for you to effectively, and healthily begin a life that you can find satisfaction in. Start small and eventually this horrible pain becomes one of the most beautiful parts of you. You are lucky enough to have had a true love in your life. One day there will be a point where that simple fact gives you a sort of 'glow' inside (for lack of a better word.) All I can say is that I understand and wish people could be more reliable for you: do what YOU need to do in order to reach a better place in life. Though you may feel alone, you never are

[kayc]

20 hours ago, martha jane said:

yesterday was ten months since my husband died, 11 months since he left our house for the last time. I thought by now it would get a little easier but it is getting harder.  I want so much to leave this house. There are so many reminders, I know every place in the house where he fell. The marks where he held on to the door facings to get around still show. The last shoes he wore are sitting by the dresser. I have taken his clothes down out of the closet, but where do I put them. They are in boxes still in the living room. I don't want to give them to a thrift store, I can't stand the thoughts of them being there for sale.  My daughter in law wants a few of his shirts to make pillows, I have promised to send them but I can't get motivated to pack them to mail.  I get up every morning with plans to do something like house or yard work but I wind up just sitting, wasting time.  I don't feel any closeness with him or with the Lord. I feel deserted. I went to church for the first time since way before he died. People were friendly but I really just wanted to leave.  The night that Kenneth died, my daughters and I, not knowing how close he was to leaving, went out to eat. A man from my church saw me and he didn't know that Kenneth was even sick. He said as everyone says in a deep and sincere voice IF there is anything I can do please let me know. I said there was nothing and he said Don't rob me of a blessing, let me do something.  We left and went back to the hospital and realized that something had changed and we knew he was going to die. We stood at his bedside and watched it happen. He just drew a breath and that was the last one. It was very peaceful but I wish I hadn't seen it. The hospice people came and we left the room, his color was already fading to gray. He had been lying with his mouth wide open and his head drawn back, he looked so pitiful. I asked the hospice nurse to please close it. She came to me and told me that she couldn't . It wouldn't close. I hid so I wouldn't see them take his body from the bed. It seemed impossible that he was gone and I was feeling nothing. Now after 10 months it is getting worse and worse. I talked about the man from my church because he did not attend the funeral and I have not seen or heard one word from him. It was all an act. a fake caring. There has been a lot of that . My sister in law, my husbands baby sister has not called since he died. She is afraid she will cry. I have not heard from his brother in two or three months. But if I need anything I am to let him know.  I wish people would just not say things like that because most of the time they don't mean it . I have a young man who keeps two cows in my pasture. He has been better to me than any of my relatives. He has brought me lunch three times, checks on me , has fed my cats when I go away, If he sees something that is amiss he will call me. He is what I consider a true Christian. I do not like asking for help, I would rather pay someone but it is disappointing that few people seem to care. I don't know what to do with myself.  My son and his family came from San Francisco to visit and I enjoyed it but I knew how it would be when they left. My daughter comes every other weekend but when she leaves  I am so sad that I cry but she doesn't know it.  My daughter in Vermont calls me every day. But I am afraid she will catch me crying. I guess I sound crazy and maybe I am. At my age there is not too much to look forward to. I can't build a new life.  Even when I am doing things trying to enjoy myself there is a backdrop of sadness and hurt. I never wake up in the morning with a feeling of a new day to enjoy life. This town is so sad for me. I see places we lived, places where we ate, rivers that we swam in and camped beside. I can't bear to see the sun sparkling on the water or a sailboat in the wind.  His cane is still sitting in the corner where he kept it unless he had misplaced it. These memories make my heart hurt so bad. I am afraid what my future is going to be like and he is not here to stand beside me like I did for him. My one comfort is knowing that it is better that he went first because he needed me so bad to take care of him. If he had been left he would have had to go to a nursing home. He would be worse off than I am.  But that still does not make me feel any better. I just wish I had more faith that he is somewhere well and happier than he has ever been and he is young again, strong and healthy, able to run and walk and do all the things he enjoyed before he got Parkinson's.  I believe if there is a heaven he is there or perhaps he is asleep and in the blink of an eye for him the Lord will come and raise him up.  I did not intend to write a book when I got started but I have to tell someone my thoughts. 

Martha,

It sounds like you're having similar experience to mine.  My husband was second eldest of 11 kids, most live within two hours, only three of them came to his funeral, his dad didn't even bother.  His brother wrote from prison wanting his coin collection, which we no longer had.  What made him think it should go to him if we had it?!  George has kids and stepkids and I remortgaged my house to pay his hospital and medical and ambulance bills.  No cards or flowers from any of them but his kids and his ex-wife sent some and called from out of state.

Friends disappeared.  Yeah, where was the "help"?  My son was in the Air Force but my daughter stayed with me for a while and then she was gone too.  The loneliness is hard to learn to deal with.  It's been 12 years now and I've learned to live alone and handle all of the things around the place but sometimes it feels overwhelming and I just miss him so much.  It seems a lifetime ago, we were so happy together.

This shakes our faith to the core but in my experience it returned, took maybe a year.  I felt I couldn't pray, I felt God was a million miles away.  I remember reading a book by St John of the Cross called Dark Night of the Soul...that is how I felt.  Later I realized God was there all the time, I just couldn't feel anything because my grief was all consuming.  Try not to worry about it, God understands and you'll get through this.  (((hugs)))

The intensity lessens but the missing and loving them continues.  Keep coming here, keep writing, it helps to express yourself and know you're heard by those of us who get it.

I'm very sorry.

[TomPB]

Martha, I feel your pain, literally. I've also been disappointed and surprised by not hearing from people. Susan was the oldest of 11. We socialized a lot with her oldest sister and husband. While they respond if I contact them, they have not ever even simply asked how I am doing on their own initiative.

Another of Susan's sisters has a husband, who is an amazing person, dying of cancer. In this case we have become much closer, as we have grief in common. A third sister has a son who is a swimmer like me so that keeps us in contact a bit, and she also shares her feelings about Susan occasionally. I have no contact with the other 7, even tho the younger ones have known me their whole lives. 

Sharing with others who are grieving or who knew Susan is what helps me the most, not that anything does much more than put a bandaid on this nightmare. Don't hesitate!

[martha jane]

Today will be 1 year and 18 days since My husband died. I have taken a trip to Colorado to see a friend who had cancer. She died a few days ago.  I am in the process of gathering up all the letters she wrote me in the past 24 years.  I enjoyed going to Denver where my husband and I lived while the renovation of the federal building and court house was going on but it was also very very sad. My daughter and I flew to Vermont to visit my oldest daughter and her family and I enjoyed that except for remembering the last time I was there my husband was with me and I saw the small repairs he did to her house at the time. And it was very, very sad. My daughter and I went to the Smokies because she wanted to stand on a mountain on her birthday. It was fun but I remembered the last time we were there her daddy was with us.  We also went to the lost sea  in Georgia which we had been seeing advertised along the interstate for years on the way to and from jobs my husband did when they were small. They always begged to go but we were always in a rush.  It was fun, but my husband never got to see the amazing sights inside the cave and the largest underground lake I think in America. And it was very, very sad. My daughter and I have done many things together. The night her daddy died she stood with her hand over his heart as it slowly stopped beating and she promised him that she would take care of me. And she is but for both of us things are very very sad. Everything I do is steeped in sadness. In the middle of the enjoyment, I just stop and realize that he is gone and it seems that everything stops.  I have this awful feeling of being abandoned and no longer loved by him. He is never in my dreams. I am left to live alone and when my time comes he won't be there to hold my hands and shed tears.  He was so changed before he died that the part I am grieving over is the years when we first met, got married and had our children and how we traveled and lived in different places and met such nice people. It was so exciting when he would be asked to travel to another town or state to supervise a project, we never hesitated to go anywhere . It was all like one exciting vacation wherever we went.  We climbed mountains in Denver, went to Mardi Gras in Louisiana, enjoyed snow in Indiana, drove here and there all around Knoxville, Tenn. Bought and learned to sail a boat in Pensacola.  I could go on and on about all the things we did and enjoyed. I look at pictures of both of us when we were children and who would have thought all the things that little girl and boy would do. But we grew old and his health failed and we stopped in one place and the memories are of ambulances  and hospitals and falls and slowing steps. And we both changed, and began to be angry with each other.  And now I am living with the guilt of how I got angry with things that he couldn't help. And angry that I had to take on a lot of things that he once did and angry that he changed and became hard to get along with. And now there is nothing to get angry about.  Except I am, sometimes so angry I want to throw things. Angry that he is not here for me to tell things to , discuss things with, angry that when I  slipped and fell the other day he wasn't there to help me up and make me feel better. Angry that I don't have him to hang pictures for me or help bring in the groceries. Angry that I have to eat alone and and go places alone and angry that I have to keep the doors locked even if I am just going out into the yard. I am angry and sad and feel that not many people care, not his relatives at all.  I am just angry.

 

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, martha jane said:

 And now there is nothing to get angry about.  Except I am, sometimes so angry I want to throw things. Angry that he is not here for me to tell things to , discuss things with, angry that when I  slipped and fell the other day he wasn't there to help me up and make me feel better. Angry that I don't have him to hang pictures for me or help bring in the groceries. Angry that I have to eat alone and and go places alone and angry that I have to keep the doors locked even if I am just going out into the yard. I am angry and sad and feel that not many people care, not his relatives at all.  I am just angry.

I think you have plenty to get angry about.  You listed many things I have felt myself.  Even tho it isn’t his fault, I get angry having to do what was once shared responsibilities, him not being here when I need something after years of being a caregiver, anger I now sit at the table alone to eat, this list goes on and on.  I do realize now it is biology I am angry at, not him.  It took a long to get there.  He was an easy target as I couldn’t rationally see why he would abandon me.  He wouldn’t.  I’m also angry I can’t share what  few good things happen.  Can’t share things I have accomplished, discovered or mastered.  Can’t even share laughs at a TV show or movie.  My anger is morphing into a sadness I can’t describe.  I didn’t need him to be gone to know I was competent to do everything by myself.   I get tired and so wish I could say would you do.....insert whatever.   I took for granted that he would always be available and that he liked being needed too.  I miss not buying stuff I needed help with because I only shop for me.  I miss finding treats to surprise him.  It’s such a tangled mess in our hearts when half is ripped away.  I am going into my 4th year and I don’t write this to scare you as we all travel this road and react differently, but I’m still feeling the pain deeply.  Some have found some relief.  Also, going thru the holidays ahhhhhhhgain alone messed me up.  

Your anger is valid.  I’ve had people try and talk me out of it.....Steve wouldn’t want you to feel that way (whatever the non positive emotion is).   Well of course not!  But he died.  Whatever I feel is valid.  Just like it is for everyone else here. Outsiders don’t understand, they want to fix us.  A useless endeavor.  

[martha jane]

Thank you so much for your understanding. Sometimes I am angry as soon as I wake up and find fault in everything and everyone. I am not the same person I used to be.  I never get a sense of anticipation , or feel happy looking forward to going somewhere and doing things.  And if I did right in the middle of it I would remember that he is gone.  Then I just stop and stare into space for a while.  He will never know that I was able to add antifreeze to his truck on my own.  A truck I can barely stand to look at but then stop and stand and look inside at the things he had in the back, his golf clubs,  his tool chest and his jacket and cap. All the things that were important to him don't matter anymore. And I am left with them to look at and wonder what to do with them.  He has all kind of saws, screwdrivers, drills, hammers with his initals scratched on some of them. I can't bear to get rid of them but I feel overwhelmed with everything. What will become of them when I am not able to care for the house and have to move away? What would he want? It seems like I am just looking for things to worry about but I don't know what to do.

[kayc]

Martha Jane,

Your husband didn't abandon you, his physical body died, plain and simple...except it doesn't FEEL plain and simple because it changes everything for us!  They're no longer tied to or bound by the physical possessions they can't use, but their love for us continues, he just isn't able to physically hold your or say "I love you" right now.  Try not to worry about anything outside of today, today is enough to deal with.  This one day you can do.  I'm glad you have a family, my husband's family has no contact with me either, like I was of no significance...yet to George I was the most significant one of all!