Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I think one of the things that bothers me most about grieving is when people apologize for my loss. Not when I tell them, or they know me or I'm confiding in them like this fourm, but strangers will do it. The first time that it ever really got to me is when I was still working. It was very fresh, only a week or 2 since it had happened. Our job was a pretty tight knit community, like a family, they had watched me grow up, they knew me my whole life. A new person started working there. When she first introduced herself to me she apologized for my loss. That bothered me. So much. It still does to thia day. This total stranger to me just apologized about something so deeply personal while getting our introductions out of the way. It left me with a bitter taste in my mouth and made me feel worse because now I just had the impression that everyone was talking about me. Not just people I knew, but people I would never meet. It was hard enough to lose my mom, but now I have to be "dead-mom-girl" behind my back too..? I hated the way my grief and personal tragedy was being used like a conversation point, "Oh yes it's so sad, she lost her mum, and she found her body." "Oh really?? That's so tragic.." I still have strangers pretty much apologizing to me about it. It's been over a year. Granted it's come up again but it just hits a nerve with me. I can't tell every single person not to say that to me, and it would be a waste. It's easier if it's over facebook to just say thanks and move on. In person I don't even always say thank you. I save that for when I mean it. I said thank you about it in person for the first time recently. She was heartfelt about it, and it wasn't so sorry just for my loss, it was sorry for my suffering, it was sorry for the experience, it was "I'm so sorry." Normally when someone says "I'm sorry for your loss" I just say "yeah..me too.." I know people don't know what to say, and are just trying to be nice, but does this bother anyone else too?  I feel like I'm being bitter over it and society expects me to just accept it like it is a compliment. And usually people will try and use it in a way when they are trying to sell me something, or get me to do something for them. It just seems such poor taste to me..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It can be a heart felt sentiment, and I'd try to take it in the light of it's offer.  I'd rather someone say they're sorry for my loss that tell me I need to move on.  One thing I've realized is that we're very sensitive when we're grieving and things that normally wouldn't bother us greatly offend us now.  Sometimes it's not what people say so much as how we are feeling.  We just can't take much in early grief.
I agree when it's just a platitude that is not heart felt it might be best not to say it, but they feel a need to say something...what??  Silence can be deafening too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't really think it is the sentiment that bothers me, when they know me or I bring it up. It's mostly when strangers do it. Because it's just these random people talking about a loss so personal to me. I build myself up every single day and when someone I don't even know brings up my most painful memory it hits me hard. When they say that, I have flashbacks to finding my mom's body in a horrible way. I think that's enough to hit anyone hard. When someone says "I'm so sorry" it just comes off better to me. When they say for my loss, I have to think about what I lost again and I remember it all. When someone tells ne a story or talks with me about my mom, I smile and I talk about memories I have. It makes me feel more at peace. When I just have about 10 Facebook comments from absolute strangers saying that they are sorry for my loss, and they know none of my relatives it puts me off and makes me wonder at what point did my family's personal tragedy become something that isn't personal to us anymore? They never knew my mom, or me, or any of my family. You don't just go and hunt anyone down who has been through a traumatic experience and re-hash it up or be like pushy about it. And that's what it feels like these people are doing to me. It's probably just a personal preference to me and that every day I have so many strangers talking about what happened to me a year later. It's re-traumatizing to me. It would be like if they were constantly reminding me of my sexual assault or that I have mental issues. I'll just be having a nice day, you know minding my own business and of course I'm not over it, but that doesn't mean I want people constantly in my space about it. It feels invasive to me. Like they are prying or something, trying to bring it up because they want to know what happened. My friends and family are fine and more than free to say these types of things, or even if I bring it up, but these will just be random people who will bring it up. Maybe it is just that I have social anxiety and I don't like strangers but it puts me off, and tears down my day to day wall that I need to keep functioning. And I mean if the strangers really feel that entitled to say something to me about it, I'll keep you in my prayers, thoughts, I hope you're doing well, etc, are MUCH easier for me to handle. I guess it is just a personal preference but it's something that has been frustrating me and tearing me down lately. I know their intentions but I really don't want to re-remember what happened that day. I feel like I have lived it enough times, agonized over it for the past year. It is not a wound that will ever heal and I will always remember it, but I just wish that these strangers would move on past it. I'm not past it but I know my mom would not have been comfortable with strangers saying that to me, or this concerned over her passing. If they want to get to know me first and then my grief that is fine, but I'm a very personal person so it hits a nerve with me.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi- When my mother passed away 4 years ago, I felt different kinds of emotions. There’s pain, anger and sometimes guilt. Everyone grieves differently. It took me a year to move forward but it doesn’t mean that I forgot about her, I still cry whenever I remember her.

Grief is normal response when you lose someone you love, it is painful but necessary and there is no normal amount of time to grieve. According to this article, grieving process can be long and isolating, yet it's crucial to accept support rather than grieve alone. Talking about it is an essential part of healing. I hope this helps.

I hope you will feel better soon. I will be praying for you.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yesterday a friend mentioned it would have been her wedding anniversary had her husband still been alive.  It hit me hard because it was also my wedding anniversary...had my husband still been alive.  All this time I hadn't realized we had the same anniversary.  It's like it brought what was in the back of my mind all day to the surface to be confronted and dealt with.

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for the kind words, but please know it isn't me not accepting support. From my friends and family I do. It's from total strangers who are saying this to me. People I have NEVER met before who have never met me. And whom I never told and none of my friends or family told. I do still talk about her, all the time, even to strangers in person, but these are random people coming onto my private facebook account and saying it, when I have not told them, and by all accounts they shouldn't know. 

It must just be a weird association in my mind. Total strangers bringing it up really bothers me. I guess it is not an issue most people face. I still avoid lasagna like the plague because it was her last meal. I used to love lasagna and she even told me how much she loved it.. Now all I can think about was the detective's asking if that was the last thing she had ate and it being the vomit on her face. But I don't get upset or offended when someone offers me lasagna or asks if I like it. Maybe there is something I am not recalling like a stranger immediately saying it. I just don't understand who the heck these people are and WHY they are saying this to me. It isn't like it is only one person commenting. Every day it's like 5-10 people saying it. She doesn't have an obituary, my facebook name is not my real name, neither is my mom's, and these people live in different states, no mutual friends. I also get immensely bothered whenever someone posts pictures of dead animals or the moment of people's death's, even if it not gory, so maybe it Is just me associating people on Facebook doing these things with that. I would get rid of my facebook but there are some important people who I can only contact on there. My text messages tend not to go thru to my fiancee so messenger is easier. Maybe I will just make a private messanger only account that I will only give to the important people. My facebook was pretty private for awhile but I guess it is time to change it.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree people that act as if they know you or relationship should just back off . It is hurtful it has happened to me with Facebook as well . So I can totally relate. Like who the heck are you people. This is such a hurtful thing to have strangers comment on such a personal thing 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎18‎.‎10‎.‎2017 at 4:50 PM, LostInGrief said:

I know people don't know what to say, and are just trying to be nice, but does this bother anyone else too?

It´s gonna be 6 years for me the next month since my beloved man died from morning till night and that´s what completely changed my life forever.I have the similar experiences with what you wrote on here,and yet as time passes by,I often miss a compassion in some way,any comfort and real understanding about my situation since then.Many people don´t know what to say until we talk to them about what we expect and need now.They think I got over it long ago as it seems a long time for them and I must be alright now,because I´m strong and I´ve survived it all without any major help or support of doctors.I had to be strong.I stayed completely alone without any support groups and family members.The next day after his death I had to go to work to do not lose the common sense and for making money as I live all alone since then.All I´ve got are my best friends helping me as much as possible,who became my everything in this miserable life.I´d give anything to talk about how I feel now,to hear any sorry for my loss still,as it always hurts and always will.It´s a heartache that never goes away.It is how it is and I do my best to cope with all I´ve got.It´s not much anymore,but I´m thankful for a good word,for a small talk,for a little bit of anything that makes my life more bearable and may put a smile on my face to feel myself ok.

I´m sorry for what we all have to go through,but we´re the heroes which have survived it all,and yet we still have so much love and support for others.

Hugs from Janka

 

59f730fde346a_11.gif.2c6f3cde3cf8b8c2428c135270862ed1.gif

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

that's OK too. If they do talk about it, I let them take the lead. But I've been trained to do that and have over 20 years of experience in It used to bug me before my dad died when I heard people say "I'm sorry for your loss". It started really bugging me when I heard my niece, a teenage princess, quip this out with a satisfied tone like she knew exactly what to say and she was proud of her self for having said it.  When my dad died one of my first thoughts was I just knew people were going to say exactly those words to me and I wouldn't know what to do.  I was so devastated by his loss I was really beyond being irritated and the thing that came out of my mouth over and over when people said this was to just kind of mumbled "yeah, me too".

Now it's getting close to two years and people still say that and I've gotten used to that. I think it's just automatic when we hear somebody  mention that someone close to them died. Sometimes I mention my dad having died and it's just the intro to what the actual story is which is something related to that but it wouldn't make any sense if they didn't know that he had died.

The thing that really bugs me is  when people go beyond a simple expression of sympathy and start telling me how I should feel or what's going on with him or me. I had a neighbor tell me repeatedly, " he's in a better place now".  How could she possibly have any idea where he is or really what it was like for him before? I asked her if she had his address at this "better place", and then I thought maybe I shouldn't be so snappish. But people say stupid things and it can be pretty irritating.

 I have actually had the experience of hearing my dad talking to me on a regular basis since he died and it's a wondrous and mysterious thing. Usually he's give me practical advice about things, sometimes his comforting, and sometimes I think it's kind of weird that he's better at communicating now than he was when he was alive in someways.  I treasure these little moments with his spirit that seems to be having around me and most of the times I've shared this with people has been a good thing. But sometimes people want to tell me all about that – like it's not real or that I need to let go of him because I'm keeping him from his journey or whatever it is that they think. And I really don't want to hear it. 

 I think talking about death and people who have died is really difficult for a lot of people and they have no idea how to do it and so they rely on things that are really helpful to the person who is grieving. Since I work as a psychotherapist I may have better responses what other people are in the position of the griever.  Basically I just try to make it apparent that I am willing to listen and I don't really say anything. Like I say oh I'm sorry or oh that's sad or that's hard or something very short, and then I say nothing. If they want to talk about it they do. And if they don't, that's OK too. If they do talk about it, I let them take the lead. But I've been trained to do that and have over 20 years of  doing a professionally – listening to people talk about things that are hard to talk about. Most people are not really able to do that, and even though they may be doing their best you can still be pretty irritating. 

The other thing I realized is that - well, I'm a middle-aged person and I've lost both of my parents. Most of the people who are in my age group or beyond have lost one or both parents, possibly a spouse, siblings and lots of other people.  Sometimes people who expressed sympathy are looking to talk about their own grief. Sometimes that's OK and sometimes that's not what I'm able to do at the moment. 

 Hang in there!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I also think that the "sorry for your loss" became a cliche thanks to television. Do you ever notice how often that phrase is used in TV shows nowadays ~ especially in detective shows? When meeting the family of the deceased, the actors convey about as much sincerity as saying "I think this milk is sour." That said, it IS hard to know what to say to someone who is grieving, most especially when a loss is significant and very recent.

I just read this post by Kelley Lynn over on the Soaring Spirits blog. She says it very well: Life Goes On 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I view the statement, "I am sorry for your loss" as an acknowledgement of it and whether or not it is sincere is as genuine or disingenuous as the people themselves are.

As for the "life goes on"...I don't recall anyone ever saying that to me, thank God!  Life may very well go on for the rest of the world, but for those of us slammed by such close and personal loss...it doesn't.  At least not the life we knew.  Everything for us changes, and that seems like a really cavalier and cold thing to say.  Sometimes I wish people would just "be" with us and not try to open their mouths and let us know how ignorant they are.  JMO...

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you all for the responses! Sorry I have not been on! 

On 11/3/2017 at 11:01 AM, Clematis said:

I was so devastated by his loss I was really beyond being irritated and the thing that came out of my mouth over and over when people said this was to just kind of mumbled "yeah, me too". 

The thing that really bugs me is  when people go beyond a simple expression of sympathy and start telling me how I should feel or what's going on with him or me. I had a neighbor tell me repeatedly, " he's in a better place now".  How could she possibly have any idea where he is or really what it was like for him before? I asked her if she had his address at this "better place", and then I thought maybe I shouldn't be so snappish. But people say stupid things and it can be pretty irritating.

This is almost to a T how I was feeling about it. I think what made it bother me SO much was I heard people and saw people basically rubbing salt in the wound over it to my father.. They would say the exact same kind of things and I could see the devastation in his eyes when they would say that to him. Mostly I think what bothered me was it was an empty sentiment to make them feel like they did something. They would usually follow it with "if you ever need to talk.." And then when my dad would take them up on it they had 0 follow through with it.. 

On 11/3/2017 at 1:39 PM, MartyT said:

I also think that the "sorry for your loss" became a cliche thanks to television. Do you ever notice how often that phrase is used in TV shows nowadays ~ especially in detective shows? When meeting the family of the deceased, the actors convey about as much sincerity as saying "I think this milk is sour." That said, it IS hard to know what to say to someone who is grieving, most especially when a loss is significant and very recent.

I just read this post by Kelley Lynn over on the Soaring Spirits blog. She says it very well: Life Goes On 

Marty, so true! It has become one of those automatic "manners" kind of thing, and I think that is a factor that makes it appear insincere even if they mean it! Good read, I would definitely punch anyone who said that to me in the eyeball!

On 10/30/2017 at 10:10 AM, Janka said:

It´s gonna be 6 years for me the next month since my beloved man died from morning till night and that´s what completely changed my life forever.I have the similar experiences with what you wrote on here,and yet as time passes by,I often miss a compassion in some way,any comfort and real understanding about my situation since then.Many people don´t know what to say until we talk to them about what we expect and need now.They think I got over it long ago as it seems a long time for them and I must be alright now,because I´m strong and I´ve survived it all without any major help or support of doctors.I had to be strong.I stayed completely alone without any support groups and family members.The next day after his death I had to go to work to do not lose the common sense and for making money as I live all alone since then.All I´ve got are my best friends helping me as much as possible,who became my everything in this miserable life.I´d give anything to talk about how I feel now,to hear any sorry for my loss still,as it always hurts and always will.It´s a heartache that never goes away.It is how it is and I do my best to cope with all I´ve got.It´s not much anymore,but I´m thankful for a good word,for a small talk,for a little bit of anything that makes my life more bearable and may put a smile on my face to feel myself ok.

I´m sorry for what we all have to go through,but we´re the heroes which have survived it all,and yet we still have so much love and support for others.

Hugs from Janka

 

59f730fde346a_11.gif.2c6f3cde3cf8b8c2428c135270862ed1.gif

On 10/24/2017 at 5:41 PM, TONY said:

I agree people that act as if they know you or relationship should just back off . It is hurtful it has happened to me with Facebook as well . So I can totally relate. Like who the heck are you people. This is such a hurtful thing to have strangers comment on such a personal thing 

 

Janka, hugs! You have all of us to support you :) It's hard when other people assume how you're feeling on it.. I think it's a balance of just the right amount.. Too much exhausts you, too little exhausts you to have to deal with it alone. I hope you find more people in your life willing to support you and talk about it.

Tony, absolutely how I was feeling! I couldn't figure out why all of a sudden 100 plus people were talking about it.. I guess in my rehoming my dog post I mentioned my mom's passing.. It was technically her dog so I did mention it.. Oh well. She has a wonderful home now, I got pretty thick-skinned to the comments. But they have stopped and that whole situation is resolved. I get updates on the dog, I'm allowed to visit her anytime, and most importantly she is happy and adored!! Which brings me so much relief and joy. She might even become someone's service animal and if not she will be a spoiled, loved companion.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎24‎.‎11‎.‎2017 at 6:13 AM, LostInGrief said:

Janka, hugs! You have all of us to support you :) It's hard when other people assume how you're feeling on it.. I think it's a balance of just the right amount.. Too much exhausts you, too little exhausts you to have to deal with it alone. I hope you find more people in your life willing to support you and talk about it.

Dear friend!

Thanks for your kind answer,especially for the time being,because this month was the 6th anniversary of my beloved man who had died.The next month it´s gonna be 11 years since we met for the first time.It´s harder all the more because of Christmas coming up in a month.He came into my life before Christmas and before Christmas he died.On the one hand it´s the worst time of the year at all,but on the other hand it´s the time when Jesus was born,so it may put a smile on my face despite of the pain I´ve got by now.He had also suffered very much...

I changed my job lately,and even though the 6 years have passed by,I stayed shocked with what I heard in there.I mentioned that my beloved man died and I´ve got no compassion or sorry for my loss so far.I had to hide my tears at that moment,so much it hurt me...Ignorance of those people,who never walked in my shoes,made me such a shock that I wasn´t able to talk for an hour at all.Even now I have the tears in my eyes when I remember that...

With love Janka

Sad.gif.d3eafe34e2091841cad3c7e76bfdc30e.gif

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
18 hours ago, Janka said:

Dear friend!

Thanks for your kind answer,especially for the time being,because this month was the 6th anniversary of my beloved man who had died.The next month it´s gonna be 11 years since we met for the first time.It´s harder all the more because of Christmas coming up in a month.He came into my life before Christmas and before Christmas he died.On the one hand it´s the worst time of the year at all,but on the other hand it´s the time when Jesus was born,so it may put a smile on my face despite of the pain I´ve got by now.He had also suffered very much...

I sympathize deeply with the holidays and special days. They are so tough, they really test your strength. Sending love and support your way to help you get through the coming days. ❤

18 hours ago, Janka said:

I changed my job lately,and even though the 6 years have passed by,I stayed shocked with what I heard in there.I mentioned that my beloved man died and I´ve got no compassion or sorry for my loss so far.I had to hide my tears at that moment,so much it hurt me...Ignorance of those people,who never walked in my shoes,made me such a shock that I wasn´t able to talk for an hour at all.Even now I have the tears in my eyes when I remember that...

With love Janka

Sad.gif.d3eafe34e2091841cad3c7e76bfdc30e.gif

 

 It sounds like it was very difficult to deal with. People who live in self-absorbed bubbles will always find a way to brush other's off when it is not about them.. They are not the kinds of people worth your time anyways and they made their true colors apparent when they did that. I hope that you are doing better at your new job and that you have more emphatic people that you work with. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×