Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Anniversaries and special days used to be good ones.  Now I have one date that casts a shadow over an entire year and taints the others.   I know I got thru the 2 previous ones because of dwindling protection of the truth.  None this year.  It's so frigging real.  This is it.  Forever in this life....alone.  Because his body died today, everything looks and feeels different.  It's surreal he was ever here, tho his stuff is still around.  I want to scream and sob but it will do no good.  Changes nothing.  So hard waking today with things I wanted to run past him and oh yeah, not an option.  I see this is more than outsiders not having experienced this, but not having experienced the unique relationship we each had.  Look how we all adapt in different ways.  It's a two fold whammie.  Beautiful day here, my eyes see it.  My heart is in the dark.

  • Like 9
  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thinking of you today, Gwen.  So many times I have wanted to ask Al's opinion about something or ask his advice.  And then the reality hits once again.  No more.  

  • Like 5
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My heart is with you today, Gwen. No words I can muster will ease the loneliness and the pain this day and every day brings. Just know there are people here that understand and care. Hugs.

Mitch

  • Like 3
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 Oh Gwen!

I´m gonna face it soon too.I´ll never forget this date 11.11.´11 at 1 a.m.How could I?I don´t know anybody with such date.I still feel goosebumps when I look at so many numbers of 1...I think of you today and my heart aches too...There´re so many broken hearts on this site who´d give everything to be with their loved ones at least once again...I´d give my life for a moment with him...

       Love-Together.gif.ccc5b59fd46541f3bdba49e93ad7cf29.gif

Hugs from Janka

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
52 minutes ago, Gin said:

Thinking of you today, Gwen.  So many times I have wanted to ask Al's opinion about something or ask his advice.  And then the reality hits once again.  No more.  

That´s the way I feel sometimes still...Lately I went by tram around his workplace and for a moment I thought of how he will wait for me then,as well as he always did after my work was done.Then I realized that he is not in there anymore.And yet I feel such a comfort when I can see the place at least...

Hugs from Janka

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Now I have one date that casts a shadow over an entire year

Gwen, I so understand that.  The year 2015, I wish I could delete entirely.  October was our favorite month.  It is just a hell month now.  Never appreciate it again.  Saw those ?? pear trees that turn the most beautiful red in the fall, stay pretty green all year and are the first to burst into flowers in the spring.  October was our picture taking month.  Oh heck, I could go on and on but, I am just trying to be thankful we had a lot of good Octobers and just be positive there never will be another good one.

My heart is with you Gwen.  

  • Like 3
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Gwen, I was preparing this week last year to go to Texas for Dana's birthday November 8. This week had been bad for 17 years previously, because it was the anniversary of my 10-year-old's death. With Dana last year I had hope for the first time in almost 20 years. And Halloween, she loved it so much. Always sewed costumes for her whole family. In her memorial service that's one of the things both her boys referred to,. So I am remembering the lady pirate outfit she wore last year. When I got there the 4th of November, she had to put it on to show me. She had started a pirate outfit for me, too, but it turned out I could not go there as early as I wanted. There was a frilly shirt with blossoming sleeves, and knee-length britches, and a bandanna for me. I had already grown out my beard for her, and now I smile and cry and smile and cry at the memories. My son had loved Halloween, too, as his birthday was October 30, and the seasonal decorating and planning always included plans around his day, too.

I'm so sorry this time is so hard for you. Please remember you are in our thoughts and hearts.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So sorry Gwen and I totally empathize as only a member of this nightmare club can. Thoughts are with you.

Janka I go to the end of our street where I would wait for Susan and Imagine seeing her walking toward me. I sit on the bench on the path leading up from the subway where I would wait for her and try to sneak up on her. I'd be walking just behind her in a crowd and when she'd recognize me she'd giggle and break out in an enormous radiant smile.

March was our month to go to the Caribbean. On 3/1/17 we left for our last vacation together, and it was wonderful, and on 3/31/17 Susan died with no warning. How's that for bookends on 3/17? Wish I could skip 3/18, Marg.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Gwen,

My heart goes with you today.  It is this day that is hardest for me to get through...and after it, our wedding anniversary, what am I supposed to do with it?  Just survived another one.  You're right, unless you've been through this, you can't know.  It's hard watching the rest of the world go through this day when you realize it's a day that defined all the rest in your life.  It seems the weather would be dark and stormy to match your feelings, not sunny or bright.

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Gwen. I am so sorry for what you and others are going thru. For me ONLY 11 months and December coming up. Wish I could forget it. December is his death day, his birthday, my birthday, Christmas and his brother’s birthday and death day. One long lasting sleeping pill lasting for a month for me would be ideal. I dont even want to think about it. Yes, I went thru last December but really was in a daze. Unfortunately not so this year. And you mention sureal...that is me too. I look at our pictures of over 50 years together and wonder did he really exist. I cannot believe he is gone. And the sureal thing if I told anybody they would think I was nuts...well maybe I am but glad it is not just me. Anyway, I wish you the best of what can be in this dismal life right now. Dismal for me as there is nothing for me to look forward too. Yes, bad day today for me. Gentle hugs.

  • Like 3
  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Gwen perhaps you will  find as I have that each year things will hit you differently than before. Some years it doesn't hurt as much yet some years it hurts like it was yesterday. Not much sense to why that happens but it sure does for me. 

3 hours ago, kayc said:

It's hard watching the rest of the world go through this day when you realize it's a day that defined all the rest in your life.

Those are profound words indeed Kay. I am not the same as I was. I will never be. That man before he lost his wife will never return. I strive to better myself with what I still am almost like starting all over again. You know? Kathy always told me that change was good.  When a favorite thing in my life was destroyed she would say "We'll get something new".  She felt that life was an evolution and you never go back. I had such a hard time, such a hard time accepting that when it included her death. Nothing lost could ever compare to that one. Nothing.    Yet the philosophy , her philosophy,  has merit. I just struggle to accept it. 

I would like to say that even though I have found love again I sure haven't escaped the pain of loss. Neither has my bride who hurts just as I do. Last night was her husbands Ron's birthday and we still took time to celebrate mixed with laughs and tears. Life goes on with the past as a constant companion. It can be no other way if you still love them.:wub:

 

  • Like 4
  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My heart is with you.  ❤️

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day after now.  Really feeling the punch.  Guess I was protecting myself yesterday.  Slept the best I had in a long time but woke up to a panic attack.  Grief sucks.  Want nothing to do with the world, yet hate being alone.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, Autumn2 said:

Gwen. I am so sorry for what you and others are going thru. For me ONLY 11 months and December coming up. Wish I could forget it. December is his death day, his birthday, my birthday, Christmas and his brother’s birthday and death day. One long lasting sleeping pill lasting for a month for me would be ideal. I dont even want to think about it. Yes, I went thru last December but really was in a daze. Unfortunately not so this year. And you mention sureal...that is me too. I look at our pictures of over 50 years together and wonder did he really exist. I cannot believe he is gone. And the sureal thing if I told anybody they would think I was nuts...well maybe I am but glad it is not just me. Anyway, I wish you the best of what can be in this dismal life right now. Dismal for me as there is nothing for me to look forward too. Yes, bad day today for me. Gentle hugs.

Autumn2,

You are definitely in my prayers for December!  June is my hard month, but to throw Christmas in on top of everything, wow.  It's interesting to me that you wonder did he really exist because I've often felt that way and so have others.  It's weird to know that this is a grief response that is common.  It feels strange!  We were everything to each other and then I wonder if I dreamed this all up?  I guess our mind must feel tricks are being played on it, it's all just hard to wrap our heads around.  You're not alone in how you feel.

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Guinivere, I know what you are saying. Those first few years after Rick died, I tried to convince myself that things really weren't that different. If I was doing laundry, he could have been out mowing the yard or if i was making dinner, it was no different than if he just wasn't home from work yet. The problem was there was no one to bring that cold glass of tea to in the yard and when 5:00 rolled around, I didn't hear him call out "Hoooh!"  as he bounded up the stairs. It does get more real and much more difficult as the first few years drag by. I could not imagine nor did I want another man in my life either--Still don't. But, finally for me, there came a point where the memories began to turn sweet instead of devastating. The clock of my life started to tick again. I am praying that will happen for you, sooner rather than later.  

  • Like 4
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for your validating post, Suzanne.  You are much further down the road of this and I truly hope this pain becomes something I can live with at some point.  Time doesn't flow as it used to. It's at an excruciating crawl right now.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You are welcome Gwen. It sounds like we experienced our grief in a very similar way.  If you don't mind, I am going to follow your posts so that I can pray specifically for your needs and feelings. I am convinced that it was the prayers of my friends that started me on the road to healing. God bless you and comfort you.

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Gwen, a little late on this, I find the anniversary of the passing is the most difficult of all the dates....my thoughts are with you'''

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Gwen, I  know it makes no sense, but there are only 11 months in the year.  I no longer recognize October and anything that has the year 2015 as the year for anything, I do not recognize.  No one ever told me I had to be a logical person.  

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Marg, definitely no logic in this at all.  I get October to January to experience special dates including the holidays which are not the same by any stretch of the imagination.  2014 doesn't really bother me beyond how long it's been hechas been gone.

kevin, I'll be finding out again this year which significant day is the hardest.  This was the hardest anniversary ever about the day he left tho.  So we are in agreement there...so far.  I know it is a date that never meant anything until life was turned upside down.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 10/29/2017 at 5:20 PM, Gwenivere said:

Anniversaries and special days used to be good ones.  Now I have one date that casts a shadow over an entire year and taints the others.   I know I got thru the 2 previous ones because of dwindling protection of the truth.  None this year.  It's so frigging real.  This is it.  Forever in this life....alone.  Because his body died today, everything looks and feeels different.  It's surreal he was ever here, tho his stuff is still around.  I want to scream and sob but it will do no good.  Changes nothing.  So hard waking today with things I wanted to run past him and oh yeah, not an option.  I see this is more than outsiders not having experienced this, but not having experienced the unique relationship we each had.  Look how we all adapt in different ways.  It's a two fold whammie.  Beautiful day here, my eyes see it.  My heart is in the dark.

My heart truly goes out to you, Gwen, and all of us.  Coming up on what would have been John's 72nd birthday on Nov 8th.  I actually wondered why I was having a hard time in the last few days...irritable, feeling hopeless, lost again.   It still hurts so much, so I think I can relate....I agree that all these significant days seem harder.  Hugs to you....Cookie

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Cookie, November 8 is also Dana's birthday. She would have been 60. I too have been feeling lost and hopeless the past several days. I'm taking that day off from work, so that I don't totally lose it. Her favorite thing that I arranged or scheduled when she visited me here last year was the NC Art Museum, so I shall spend the day there.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dave:  Thanks for sharing...it is so comforting to know I'm not alone (but for such a horrible reason)...I'll be thinking of you.  Don't know what I'm going to do yet; belong to Ubuntu (a community singing group) and may go ahead and go sing.  John was a musician.  He and our children all played instruments and sang and I didn't...now, I find myself in this singing group and think he would be quite amused by it.  The music does lift my heart. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Cookie, I will be thinking of you as well. I hope your day goes okay and your singing plans play out. Dana and I both sang to each other every time we spoke. Well, a snippet of a song, at least. Neither of us had quality voices, but she did have good pitch. Me, I have no quality and little pitch control, but I love to sing out just the same. It hardly mattered what the subject was, one or both of us would always find and sing a lyric to match the conversation.

I was with her in Navasota, Texas this time last year. Drove to College Station to find a seafood distributor who got fresh stuff flown in every day, and got her some shrimp and crab legs. That is what she wanted for her birthday. Steamed everything and melted some butter for her to dip.

I hope some good memories of things you all did for John's birthdays will comfort you some today.

Dave

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×