Jump to content
Cookie

Stranger in a strange land....

Recommended Posts

I've started feeling like a "stranger in a strange land."  It's been almost 2 and 1/2 years since John died, and although there are times when things are okay, a lot of times I feel like I just don't fit anywhere anymore.  I don't think anyone on the outside of me sees this feeling I have, but it's almost surreal.  I went for my weekly bee venom allergy shot and there were three couples in the waiting room.  This takes about 2 hours...I get a shot, wait 30 minutes, get another shot, wait another 30 minutes.  The other three people there for the same thing all had their spouse accompanying them and then there was me....boy, I came out of there feeling so out of body.  Watching the loving and familiar exchanges between these couples for so long was unbelievably painful, like holding my feet over the fire.  I don't begrudge anyone their love, but it is so hard to witness others with the very thing that you are missing so much.  So, it's left me with residual wondering where I fit in this life if anywhere.....I know I will get back to some center, as do again and again, but wonder if this fragility will ever end....Cookie

  • Like 6
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Cookie, I definitely understand and feel the same way at times.  I signed up for "and lived happily ever-after".  Alas, for all of us here, life has not turned out that way.  I have learned that "FEELINGS" are not always the facts but they do eventually lead me to the truth. 

On some days, I almost feel " normal" not like before but a new kind of normal.  I'm still reminded daily there is no longer "WE" in the physical sense but there still is in the mental/spiritual realm.  Sometimes, I feel like I am vacillating in three different worlds at the same time (past;present;future).  This grief healing work is a strange dance indeed.

I have had to face some new realities lately but that's okay.  It's kind of like life... It doesn't always turn out like we plan in our minds.

 

... I'm still fixated on the idea that you have to get three shots for bee venom allergies.. UGH!   I hate shots... even bee stings!  Praying you will find something to look forward to and hope for on your grief healing journey.  - Shalom, George

 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh boy, do I understand! Early on I stayed for a long weekend with one of Susan's sisters and her husband and I realized that just being with a couple doing nothing out of the ordinary was incredibly painful. I hadn't thought of that and was totally blindsided. A little later I was having lunch with a group including an old friend who was going on and on about what he and his wife, also named Susan, were planning. I was sinking deeper and deeper and finally threw a $20 bill on the table and walked away. Going to the beach this summer I felt like screaming "Doesn't anyone else go to the beach by themselves!?" I even cancelled a sailing trip when my friend said he'd have to bring his partner. VERY hard.

  • Like 3
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Cookie,

I, also, can relate.  I avoid social situations because I feel so much more alone when I'm in them.  I much prefer the company of those of us who are grieving; to them I can relate; with them I can talk; with them I feel understood and appreciated.  With others, they cannot understand and most really are not interested in trying.  For me, it is worth the four hour drives to spend time with someone who does understand.  I'd rather do that than go out with couples who don't.

  • Like 5
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

Cookie, I definitely understand and feel the same way at times.  I signed up for "and lived happily ever-after".  Alas, for all of us here, life has not turned out that way.  I have learned that "FEELINGS" are not always the facts but they do eventually lead me to the truth. 

On some days, I almost feel " normal" not like before but a new kind of normal.  I'm still reminded daily there is no longer "WE" in the physical sense but there still is in the mental/spiritual realm.  Sometimes, I feel like I am vacillating in three different worlds at the same time (past;present;future).  This grief healing work is a strange dance indeed.

I have had to face some new realities lately but that's okay.  It's kind of like life... It doesn't always turn out like we plan in our minds.

 

... I'm still fixated on the idea that you have to get three shots for bee venom allergies.. UGH!   I hate shots... even bee stings!  Praying you will find something to look forward to and hope for on your grief healing journey.  - Shalom, George

 

I have a necklace my hubby gave me with three diamonds...yesterday, today, tomorrow. Cannot wear it any more. There is no today or tomorrow.

  • Like 5
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/4/2017 at 4:25 PM, iPraiseHim said:

Cookie, I definitely understand and feel the same way at times.  I signed up for "and lived happily ever-after".  Alas, for all of us here, life has not turned out that way.  I have learned that "FEELINGS" are not always the facts but they do eventually lead me to the truth. 

On some days, I almost feel " normal" not like before but a new kind of normal.  I'm still reminded daily there is no longer "WE" in the physical sense but there still is in the mental/spiritual realm.  Sometimes, I feel like I am vacillating in three different worlds at the same time (past;present;future).  This grief healing work is a strange dance indeed.

I have had to face some new realities lately but that's okay.  It's kind of like life... It doesn't always turn out like we plan in our minds.

 

... I'm still fixated on the idea that you have to get three shots for bee venom allergies.. UGH!   I hate shots... even bee stings!  Praying you will find something to look forward to and hope for on your grief healing journey.  - Shalom, George

 

George:  I could really relate to the phrase "vacillating in three different worlds."  So strange isn't it?  Yes, three shots, four times in two hours, but I think it's worth it.  It will take 2 months once a week, then maintenance shots spread out much further.  Can't live being afraid of bees as I am outdoors as much as possible and don't want to lose that comfort.  It's definitely been a challenge with a fear of bees lately; it seems like there have been an over-abundance of them in these NC mountains this year....thanks for your thoughts, Cookie

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/4/2017 at 8:29 PM, Autumn2 said:

I have a necklace my hubby gave me with three diamonds...yesterday, today, tomorrow. Cannot wear it any more. There is no today or tomorrow.

Oh my gosh, that was a beautiful gesture from him, Autumn....it all hurts so much...

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/4/2017 at 5:45 PM, Brad said:

Cookie,

I, also, can relate.  I avoid social situations because I feel so much more alone when I'm in them.  I much prefer the company of those of us who are grieving; to them I can relate; with them I can talk; with them I feel understood and appreciated.  With others, they cannot understand and most really are not interested in trying.  For me, it is worth the four hour drives to spend time with someone who does understand.  I'd rather do that than go out with couples who don't.

I agree, Brad.  I definitely am preferring the company of other grievers....where you can be heard and listen; as simple as that and worth everything....

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can so relate to what you say...I find I am most comfortable at home, but then I get tired of being alone and lonely.  I honestly don't know the cure for this...the cure is something we can't have.

  • Like 3
  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Amen, Kay.  There is only one cure and as we have all come to know, it's not available, for any price.  I know we'd all pay it without a second thought.

  • Like 3
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am caught in a strange land again.  A little over a week ago was Steve's death date and tomorrow is his birthday.  

People keep asking me if I am going to do something special.  Driving me crazy.  Make his favorite dinner?  Bake a cake?  Release a dozen doves.  Feh.  I have lit a candle for him every night since he died.  It's all I can do, my energy is so sapped and my  head so messed up caught between worlds.

Sobbing has returned.  I hate it.  No interest in anything.   Just watching the minutes tick by.  Since daylight savings ended, this far north it is. dark by almost 5pm an will only get worse til the solstace when it will be about 4pm.  Truly a cold and horrible time of year for all this.  Happy happy joy joy holidays ads and decor is everywhere too.

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Gwen,. I will be thinking of you tomorrow on Steve's birthday.  Saturday is our wedding anniversary.  These days (as well as most others) are so hard.

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I am caught in a strange land again.  A little over a week ago was Steve's death date and tomorrow is his birthday.  

People keep asking me if I am going to do something special.  Driving me crazy.  Make his favorite dinner?  Bake a cake?  Release a dozen doves.  Feh.  I have lit a candle for him every night since he died.  It's all I can do, my energy is so sapped and my  head so messed up caught between worlds.

Sobbing has returned.  I hate it.  No interest in anything.   Just watching the minutes tick by.  Since daylight savings ended, this far north it is. dark by almost 5pm an will only get worse til the solstace when it will be about 4pm.  Truly a cold and horrible time of year for all this.  Happy happy joy joy holidays ads and decor is everywhere too.

Sometimes our way is to do nothing different, just try to get through the day.  I haven't found an easy one size fits all answer for this, we must handle it the way that is best for us.  You have no energy, it's good that you recognize your feelings, so just try to get through the day.  You're in my thoughts today, I know this is hard.  I, too, have a hard time with the holiday displays and ads as I know I'll likely be alone again.  

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, Gin said:

Gwen,. I will be thinking of you tomorrow on Steve's birthday.  Saturday is our wedding anniversary.  These days (as well as most others) are so hard.

I'll be thinking of you too...it IS hard.  (((hugs)))

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Gin, still have not seen how your doctor visit turned out.  I hope you are able to walk better.  Thinking of you all.

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My doc visit was a bit of a disappointment.  He thinks that MAYBE it will resolve itself.  Good?  Well, during his neurological exam, he said my reactions (hitting knee with hammer,  squeezing his hands, etc) were exagerated.  Said it was a sign of spinal cord issues in neck.  Have to get another MRI of neck and come back in 2 weeks.  Then he would send me to pain clinic (why wait 2 weeks?) to get injections and physical therapy.  Claimed the back should get ok.  The neck is not so easy.  They operate thru front of neck (hopefully) and separate a couple of vertebrae, placing a spacer in and metal plate.   No thanks.  I am 78 and live alone.  The only "symptom" I have indicating the neck issue is not being able to open jars!  Every oldster I know has trouble opening jars.    Next will be balance and finally not being  able to dress myself.   I played his game getting another MRI,  but I will take the injections and physical therapy.  Neck can wait.

So, back to pain killers and limping around for a few more weeks.  They want to leave the back alone if it is starting to heal on its own.  It is better than 4 weeks ago.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Gin, with knowing I am a walking time bomb, I watch my temperatures and take the Myralax nightly.  So far, so good since March of 2014.  Should have gone before Billy.  My insides, below the belt line (I think I wore a belt on my wedding dress, so you know how long that has been.), anyhow, nothing can be fixed if the untoward happens.  I do lift too much sometimes, which is a no-no- and yesterday I ate ice cream with nuts in it.  First time I have done that.  Know not to.  (I also have a bag of Cheetos hid) because my granddaughter will catch me.  I cannot ride too far yet I have put those 11,000 miles on my Yaris in less than a year's time.  

I finally found a clinician (cannot call her an MD), but sometimes I prefer the nurse practitioners.  She listens to me and what I want.  I need her in case of flu or pneumonia, etc.  If I have blood from anywhere, I will tell her, but there are a lot of things they cannot do to help me.  And, it is up to the person/patient, how much they can take,  or how much they will take.

I wish you well with the pain control.  I know you feel like I do, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."  My very best wishes for a non-painful outcome for this.  My Billy put up with back problems from his early 40's or late 30's.  Sometimes debilitating for awhile.  Sometimes we would be walking and the compressed nerves in his back would throw him down, I would help him home and he also could do maneuvers with leg and back to make it home.  We suffer mentally and physically many times.  I'm sorry.  

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I am caught in a strange land again.  A little over a week ago was Steve's death date and tomorrow is his birthday.  

People keep asking me if I am going to do something special.  Driving me crazy.  Make his favorite dinner?  Bake a cake?  Release a dozen doves.  Feh.  I have lit a candle for him every night since he died.  It's all I can do, my energy is so sapped and my  head so messed up caught between worlds.

Sobbing has returned.  I hate it.  No interest in anything.   Just watching the minutes tick by.  Since daylight savings ended, this far north it is. dark by almost 5pm an will only get worse til the solstace when it will be about 4pm.  Truly a cold and horrible time of year for all this.  Happy happy joy joy holidays ads and decor is everywhere too.

Gwen:  My heart goes out to you.  John's BD was yesterday and even thought it's been 2 1/2 years, it was as painful as ever if not more.  I cried all day, felt like I was losing this battle to stay the course and keep going.  I had all the talks with myself that try to keep me looking forward, but it was of no use.  Today is better, still in pain but it's more manageable.  People say do something special, but I have to say it almost makes it hurt worse because I crave for him to be doing whatever it is with me.  Take care, Cookie

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Gin said:

My doc visit was a bit of a disappointment.  He thinks that MAYBE it will resolve itself.  Good?  Well, during his neurological exam, he said my reactions (hitting knee with hammer,  squeezing his hands, etc) were exagerated.  Said it was a sign of spinal cord issues in neck.  Have to get another MRI of neck and come back in 2 weeks.  Then he would send me to pain clinic (why wait 2 weeks?) to get injections and physical therapy.  Claimed the back should get ok.  The neck is not so easy.  They operate thru front of neck (hopefully) and separate a couple of vertebrae, placing a spacer in and metal plate.   No thanks.  I am 78 and live alone.  The only "symptom" I have indicating the neck issue is not being able to open jars!  Every oldster I know has trouble opening jars.    Next will be balance and finally not being  able to dress myself.   I played his game getting another MRI,  but I will take the injections and physical therapy.  Neck can wait.

So, back to pain killers and limping around for a few more weeks.  They want to leave the back alone if it is starting to heal on its own.  It is better than 4 weeks ago.

So sorry Gin.  I don't blame you about being nervous about that neck surgery.  It is so hard to try and make these decisions.  I just am getting through a meniscal tear in my knee.  At first it looked like surgery might happen, but it's improved so much.  I do believe in the power of the body to heal itself....Thinking of you, Cookie

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Gwen, Hope you made it through Steve's birthday ok.

Cookie,. These days are so hard.  And you are so right..  What is the point of trying to do something special, when the special one is gone.

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 hours ago, Gin said:

My doc visit was a bit of a disappointment.  He thinks that MAYBE it will resolve itself.  Good?  Well, during his neurological exam, he said my reactions (hitting knee with hammer,  squeezing his hands, etc) were exagerated.  Said it was a sign of spinal cord issues in neck.  Have to get another MRI of neck and come back in 2 weeks.  Then he would send me to pain clinic (why wait 2 weeks?) to get injections and physical therapy.  Claimed the back should get ok.  The neck is not so easy.  They operate thru front of neck (hopefully) and separate a couple of vertebrae, placing a spacer in and metal plate.   No thanks.  I am 78 and live alone.  The only "symptom" I have indicating the neck issue is not being able to open jars!  Every oldster I know has trouble opening jars.    Next will be balance and finally not being  able to dress myself.   I played his game getting another MRI,  but I will take the injections and physical therapy.  Neck can wait.

So, back to pain killers and limping around for a few more weeks.  They want to leave the back alone if it is starting to heal on its own.  It is better than 4 weeks ago.

Gin,

I'm sorry you didn't get the answers you'd hoped for or something more definitive at this point.  Does the doctor say what what the spinal cord issues could lead to?  It could be you aren't having much problem with it now, but will it worsen on down the road?  Is there a reason he'd want something done?
Usually you have the MRI done someplace else and they have to send the results to him, he has to go over them, that's probably why he's having you come back in two weeks, he may want to do his research before seeing you.  Seems it could be done within a week, you'd think they'd have couriers and it wouldn't take that long.  A lot of results are sent electronically now too.

If I couldn't dress myself, I'd stay in my robe and slippers.  With a cup of coffee and a good book.  There has to be some advantage to growing old!  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Aaaah Cookie Indeed ..I feel like a stranger even in my own land I think....

I don’t  have any words to add ... just dropped in to say hi and show my love and support..

Yes - Another Holiday season is here...

Love to all.

Marie Lee

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, kayc said:

There has to be some advantage to growing old!  

1.  A good TV show you saw three nights ago, watch it again, it is almost completely all new.

2. A good book you enjoyed last year.  Read it again, you will be surprised how wonderful it is the 2nd time.

3.  My voice shakes like Katherine Hepburn's did.  I hate to play on sympathy, (that is a bold faced lie, sometimes I relish sympathy)  but you would be surprised how many people are willing to help an old lady with a shaky voice.  I hate that voice sometimes, but I inherited the congenital tremor, it has advanced to my chin and my voice.  If I get excited or agitated, every neuron in my body shouts "anxiety attack coming, watch out."  And, sometimes tears come without  me meaning them to.  Don't be ashamed of them.  Even hard hearted Hannah or Harry melts.

I am not above using my old age as a weapon, but a soft one that it is hard to shield yourself against, even a robot could not protect themselves from me at times like this.  

And, if all else fails, write a letter to the head of whatever department you visit.  If you keep your cool during the visit and don't be mean, you can move mountains.  An ER that made my mom wait 5 hours on a gurney got a letter to the administrator.  You walk into that ER now, you are seen immediately.  No waiting.  I have as yet to be able to write the ER at the hospital Billy left me.  I just cannot do it.  I have to visit his death again and sometimes I am not ready for that.

ADDENDUM:  Not that I am ready right now, not that I have any say-so, but one more thing that is good about getting older is we are closer to seeing our loved ones...........if you believe, and I believe.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You know, I write something and then I delete it.  So, I cannot remember if I wrote this. (I did write it, but think I deleted it, hope I did).  If not humor me like you usually have to do.  This little woman (before her stand for us old people), she was being made to retire at 65.  She didn't want to.  Thus grew out the Gray Panthers.  I have not read her autobiography.  It is enough to me that an ole gal back in 1970 decided she did not want to retire.  She made so many forward strides for elderly people, I just cannot praise her enough.  You know she was scared.  I am afraid 99.9% of the time.  This woman went up against politicians, she helped mold laws for the elderly.  How exciting.  You go girl.  (Well, actually she is singing with the Angels, but I salute her bravery), if not her good sense.  I retired my first time at 55.  Stupidly I kept on working at another hospital.  But the fact that she freed up laws to help the elderly says enough.

Okay, I gotta go back and tell a story.  I wish I could only hear "happily ever after" stories, but before I was enlightened in 2015, my first supervisor was a true southern aristocratic woman.  A head full of silver hair, tall, and a true Steel Magnolia.  They wanted her to retire at 65.  We were state workers but she fought it all the way down the line, or up the line and got another year out of it, but then she had to go.  I cannot describe her adequately but she demanded respect from everyone, and she got it.  Once a doctor pointed out an error made by a transcriptionist.  She looked down her nose at him and said "My girls do not make mistakes."  We used a lot of acronyms to type a paragraph and I had actually given a woman prostate surgery.  He apologized to my supervisor.  And I was never fussed at about it.  (I hope she was not billed for it.)  This was during the time transcription companies were hiring people from hospitals to work at home.  I saw her obituary a few years ago.  Made it over 100.  Bet she was still typing.  Such an honest, upstanding woman she and her husband (he died about two years before she retired) had let a daughter take the car with her friends.  They found a baggie of white powder and took it to the police.  (It was Coffee-Mate).  

age.jpg

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, Marg M said:

I had actually given a woman prostate surgery.  He apologized to my supervisor.  And I was never fussed at about it.  (I hope she was not billed for it.) 

I got a bill once for "testing my prostrate" and when I called them to tell them it wasn't accurate, they argued and said my doctor ordered it.  I tried to explain patiently to the girl on the phone that my doctor wouldn't have ordered it because I'm the wrong gender for it.  Still she argued.  Finally I decided to try another tack...I demanded to see the results from it.  They removed it from my bill.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×