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Stranger in a strange land....

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17 hours ago, Gin said:

 Most people do not understand .  It was OUR thing.  There is no more OUR.  

Gin, I don't know if I answered this.  I usually write more than I should so sometimes I go back and delete.  Now, I don't know  what I have said and don't know what I have deleted, which is how everyone knows me that lives around me or takes the time to read me.  I know how I feel.  I don't do anything Billy and I used to do together.  I taught that boy how to fish like a boat fisherman fished.  I made a monster.  I finally had to have it in written form, "I will quit buying boats."  We had every boat that came out.  Mama said I was baiting a hook as a toddler.  I taught Billy how to fish.  He ran trot lines and poles stuck in the ground.  But, this hobby I have had all my life, I will never do again.  Billy loved it so much, it is his and always will be.

So, word salad again about nothing.  I don't visit the places we went.  I have to take a Xanax to even go back to Hot Springs.  I just cannot do it.  Won't ever do it.  And, I am knocking on wood, I do everything I swear I won't do.  

There is an old saying, I cannot remember how it went but to wit:  If it hurts, quit doing it.

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If it hurts, quite doing it.  My dilemma is everything hurts.  There isn't a single place I go that doesn't pass some place with a memory.  The stopping going some places hurts.  The places I still do hurts.  Being in our home hurts.  Driving my car without its co pilot hurts.  Sometimes sleep helps if there are no dreams.  It's like my life has become a prison of pain.  My body is following.  So many limitations kicking in and that adds to the sadness.  More time to not do the things, like yardwork, that would distract me.  It's like I have this ankle monitor on wherever I go and it's getting heavier to wear everyday. 

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Exactly. It hurts if I do the things we used to do, it hurts differently if I don't. There is no easy "Oh, it hurts, I'll just stop doing it" for me.

Yeah, my wife this and my husband that is some of the most painful. And, seeing people you don't usually see over the holidays, it's often the first topic. Best wishes Tom🐼

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18 hours ago, TomPB said:

Gin, I totally understand but even so I am doing OUR things. I avoided them at first but am slowly drifting back. Not sure if it's crazy or honoring her memory, but that's me, a confused TomPB

It truly is a unique journey, isn't it?!  I find some things I keep up the traditions to honor him and other things I avoid, no seeming rhyme or reason as to which way I go, just what feels right to me.  We all make different choices for ourselves but it's important to do what feels right to us at the time.  There's been times I've had to push through and other times I've had to avoid things.

For instance, I haven't gone for a drive to pick colorful leaves since George died...that is something we did together, just the two of us.  Yet I put up a Christmas tree and decorations every year to honor him and his love for the holidays.  I put his ornaments in a prominent place and each one carries such special memories.  I hang his stocking next to mine.  I invite him to come sit with me.  Some might think me crazy and maybe I am, but it is what it is.

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41 minutes ago, kayc said:

I haven't gone for a drive to pick colorful leaves since George died.

That is what we did for 18 magical years.  Every October we hit the mystical back roads, the non-traveled dirt roads of an Arkansas that we would not see another car all day,  except in hunting season.   Tried to stay off them in hunting season.  People took their hunting seriously.  Even let out school.  Billy took closeups of golden rods, every color leaf imaginable, even a purple one in the road one time.  Strange, I don't even notice when they are changed now.

One year it was hunting season and we came upon a camp of hunters, men, women, children, old clunker RV's, tents, all surrounding a big fire to keep warm.  (I hope it was a rainy autumn).  

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October was special to us.  Not only was it my birthday but it was our wedding anniversary.  We were married on Sweetest Day.  And we both loved Fall and the colorful leaves.

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On ‎11‎/‎22‎/‎2017 at 8:38 AM, kayc said:

Yes, I have to do everything.  I have a man I buy firewood from but I do the stacking, hauling, I shovel my driveway, 40' ramp, paths to the firewood and garbage, it is a lot in the winter.  Still looking for someone to hire for yardwork, couldn't do it last summer after my fall, I still can't kneel.  It was hard to let it go but I had no choice.  They guy I was going to hire died in a car accident.  :(  Living in the country there aren't a lot of options sometimes.  I'd prefer to die here, but realistically, my family lives well into their 90s and I can't see me doing this when I'm 90, especially since I won't have any family around to help me.

Boy, you and I sound like we have a lot in common.  I do all that stuff too, but after my bee event had to hire out the yard maintenance for the rest of the year.  Don't know what I'll do next season....maybe get a bee suit.  It's true that it's hard to find people in the country and ones that will show up.  How big is your house and property?  Keep trying to figure out what my options will be in years to come....Cookie

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I developed an allergy to them too and there's tons of them around!  I have 1.29 acres with a doublewide on it, double carport, shop, outdoor utility building, shed, pole barn.  I guess I just keep plugging away, one day at a time.

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