Missing Dad

[Sherihoney]

It has been 27 days now since Dad passed. Sometimes, I feel OK, like when I'm busy or working. Other times, I feel the loss so deeply that I sob and sob and can't breathe, and have to use my rescue inhaler. It's in times like this, that I pray that him being gone is some cruel joke that someone is playing on.me and that he is not really gone forever. 

I know deep down.that this cannot be true bc he would never hurt me so deeply like this. It was never in his nature to do that.

My Mom is so dependent for companions that I feel almost obligated to take care of her bc my Dad was that person for her. Our relationship was always strained and the relationship that I had with Dad was something very special, so sometimes I wish that it had been her instead of him. I don't need judgement at this point, so please reserve comment on that. 

I just don't know what to do at this point. 

Someone please tell.me that I won't always feel this broken and lost. 

Sheri

 

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Sherihoney said:

I don't need judgement at this point, so please reserve comment on that. 

Oh Hon, no judgment, nothing but understanding and empathy.  I had a mom that was difficult and I was a daddy's girl so I understand.  I lost my dad when I was 29 and pregnant with my first child, he never got to know his grandchildren and he would have been an amazing grandpa.  I feel my kids got gypped by not knowing him but I told them stories about him and had his picture up.  I gave them something of his to keep him in their hearts.

My mom lived to 92, she had dementia.  Even though our relationship was difficult (she had a lot of mental illness that went untreated until she got dementia) I felt a lot of healing in the last couple of years.  Oddly enough the dementia softened her as she no longer remembered her imagined wrongs against her.  Very sad but I'm glad I had that time with her.  The next time I see her she will be healed of all her problems...and my dad, he'll be waiting to give me a big hug. 

I am so sorry for your loss, it's very hard.  You will always miss your dad, especially at certain times in your life but you will not always feel the pain this intensely.  Grief doesn't stay the same, it evolves and us with it as we learn to adjust and hone our coping skills.  If you find yourself continuing to struggle, you might want to consider a few grief counseling sessions. 

It is nice of you to be there for your mom but it would be good to wean her from you little by little so she can learn to be on her own, she will need to work out her own grief and you also might want to encourage her to try a grief counselor.  I'm 65 and my kids live very independent lives from me, it tells me my parenting was successful.  It's healthy for able bodied individuals to be self-sufficient and she might need help getting there, a therapist might be of some help in that direction.  You might want to contact senior services for help if she is a senior. 

I wish you luck.  My mom made us kids her world after my dad died, which put a lot of pressure on us...we had to create a balance.  She doesn't know how lucky she is, I rarely see my own kids and it's extremely rare to hear from my daughter.  

Maybe Marty will have some ideas for you, it may take a while but she'll be on here.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/10/helping-grieving-parent.html

[MartyT]

Feeling broken and lost at this point in your grief journey is not unusual, Sherihoney, and I hope you will allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel. The one thing about grief is that it does not stay the same; it changes. You can feel completely hopeless and drowning in sorrow one moment, and relatively okay the next ~ at least okay enough to get through the day or do whatever needs doing at the time. And feelings aren't always logical or rational, either. We cannot control what we feel, but we can control how we behave and how we react to what we are feeling. How you feel toward your mother doesn't necessarily dictate how you can act in her presence. In any event, you won't find anyone here who will pass judgment on whatever you may be feeling.

In addition to the one that Kay has indicated, you may find this article helpful: Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song ♥