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Saying goodbye to a large chunk of my life


sharirouse

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So Sunday night, I found my large chocolate lab had died. I went out there as usual to give her some medicine (antibiotics since we are fighting eye worms). While talking to the other dog, I realized that she hadn't stirred. Not a big deal since she was pushing 13 and was hard of hearing. I walked over to her, patted her on the side and realized it felt wrong. SHE felt wrong. She was...hard. She has always been stiff in the sense that she had osteoarthritis in her hind legs and she was about 94 lbs. Anyway, I panicked. I was hoping she just wasn't awake but I ran in the house and got my mom to check. Nope, she was truly gone. I thought she died with her eyes open but she died in her sleep. Just as I had wished when the time came but I feel so guilty! We recently got a puppy. He is my moms though. This dog and the other large dog were mine. I was telling my mom earlier that day that I felt like a bad dog mom because I need to spend time with them more but haven't because the puppy is a small breed, afraid of them, and cant be left alone yet. I was lucky enough to pet her a bit earlier that day but I feel like I should have been spending more time with her. I just wanted her to know, without a doubt in her mind, that I loved the heck out of her.

I was able to get the hole dug and bury her that night but man I cant stop seeing her cold body. I don't think she had been dead long. She wasn't warm but she wasn't cold like she had been lying there for hours. I had found her after dark so that makes me feel worse. I have never found a dead pet like that and I would be glad if I could never again.

 

I lost my other old dog (who was also 12) in 2015 on Christmas eve. She technically arrested and died at the vet but she recovered enough for me to say goodbye. Then we put her down. Im glad both have technically gone on their own but damn I wish I could "see her off." Poor girl.

I know a lot of people have been mentioning guilt and how its a part of grief but its still just so suffocating and hard to get out of. UGH.

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I know what you are going through.  Our sheltie, Shelby, contracted pancreatitis from a vet medication.  I tried everything to get her to eat and drink.  We had to leave for work each day and one day we found that she had died.  I had to dig the hole and bury her in the yard and those sights of her haunted me for a long time.  So many things in our life are just beyond our control. 

Your thought process are typical as we went through  similar thoughts. I have come to understand that it is part of the grieving process.  Please be gentle to yourself as you did the best you could each day.  None of us know the time or season for all of this. We also made the decision with our other pets when it was time to help them travel over the Rainbow Bridge.  Death is not easy no matter how we are faced with it and have to deal with it .  Soon you will remember fondly of all of the great times, and happy moments you have shared with your chocolate lab. - Blessings and prayers for peace and comfort - Shalom  

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Yeah, burying her was very hard. I had to reclose her eyes because the blanket opened them. Ugh. Those sweet sweet eyes. 

I laid down with her pet her ear before my mom came out with and helped me. I dont think she suffered, especially since I prayed that once she began to suffer, she would die peacefully in her sleep. By God, she did. 

Im glad Im not alone in feeling this way but its very hard. Too bad they cant last forever. 

 

Thank you for your kind words. I at least have another pooch to help me through the hardest times. 

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Shari,

I was just thinking about you the other day, but I'm sorry to hear about this, it's so hard, I just don't know an easy way through this.  I, too, wish they could last as long as we do and we could lay down and go together.  I hate loss, hate goodbyes.  I'm glad she didn't suffer to death and knew a loving comforting home where she could live out her days.

(((hugs)))

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