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Ausma

My mom died suddenly and I don't want to live without her

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My mom died almost 2 weeks ago now. I woke up one morning and was getting ready to go to class but realized she hadn't gotten up yet, and when I went to her bedroom I found her unconscious on the floor beside her bed. The ambulance came but as soon as we got to the ER we were told she had a massive brain hemorrhage as a result of an aneurysm and there was nothing that could be done, so she passed a few hours later. She was only 59, she passed on October 31 and her birthday was November 5. Her mother died from the same thing, though she was older (about 67 I believe) and I never in a million years thought my mother would die from the same thing - I didn't even know it was hereditary before the doctors told us at the hospital.

Finding her like that was my biggest nightmare, I'm an anxious person already and I always worried about losing my mom even though I never had a reason to as she was in pretty good health, but my greatest fear was losing her and now I feel like I'm living in a nightmare. I don't know how to go on without her, I don't have many friends and most of them are in different states for college and she was the only person who was always there for me. I was seriously ill and bedridden for years and she was the only person who was ever there for me or cared for me. Every day when I come home from class there's no one to talk to and no one to share things with and no one who cares about what I have to say. I already struggled with a lot of depression before my mom died but now it's worse than I could ever imagine and I feel like I don't have a reason to live without her. I've never dealt with much loss before in my life and now that I've lost the most important person, the one person who was my entire world and who I loved more than anything, I don't know how I'll survive. I'm only 21 and I feel so much anger and frustration, though mostly sorrow, that she died so young and that there's so much more life we could have spent together and I feel so guilty about so many things.

What makes it all so much worse is that my father, who hasn't been living with us since my mother and him separated 2 years ago, has moved back in since she died. He was emotionally abusive to my mom and she endured so many years living with him before she finally kicked him out. My mom, brother, & I were so happy in the 2 years we lived without him and it hurts so much to think that she could've been so much happier if she forced him out earlier. While I can tolerate him, I feel so much worse with him around and to have him in the house again because it brings back so many bad memories and I feel guilty trying to live amicably with him because of how he treated her, but I don't have anywhere else to live right now because of my school situation.

I've been considering posting my story on here after looking through the forums the past week or so, and just reading them has made me feel much less alone in all this, but I feel even better after writing this out. Thanks to anyone who reads or comments on this, I'm thankful there's a community like this for us to help one another.

 

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Ausma,

I am so sorry, I can't imagine how you must feel, so young, and with all of these circumstances you describe.  I lost my dad when I was 29 but my mom in my 60s, I would think it'd be so much harder the younger you are.  The one person in this world that loved me unconditionally, that got me, was my husband, and he died 12 1/2 years ago.  I know what it's like to feel alone, but I do have my sisters a phone call away.

I hope you can develop a close bond with your brother.  How much schooling do you have left?  I would hope that once you are able to leave home on your own, and create the life you want for yourself, it would be better.  You will always miss your mom, just as I will always miss my husband.  Have you considered therapy to help you deal with your feelings for your dad and the things you've been through?  sometimes it can help just not to struggle through it by yourself.  I got some help when I was young, and I'm glad I did.  

I know we aren't the same after being impacted by such great loss.  Our world as we knew it is not the same, we realize how quickly everything can change and it can leave us feeling unsafe.  A grief counselor can help us work through our grief as they are trained to do so.  You feel anger, that is common in grief, it's a whole lot to process, especially when it's sudden and unexpected like this is.

I can relate to some of what you're saying about your mom and dad's marriage because I was in my own emotionally abusive relationship when I was married 23 years to my kids' dad.  Relationships can be complex, you can care about the person and feel like you're a family but at the same time find the living situation intolerable.  After I married my George, I found all I had been missing all my life, and I couldn't believe that he'd die within just a few years.  I treasure the memories we had, just as you do the memories with your mom, how she took care of you and validated you and made you feel loved and safe.

I hope for you in your life that you meet someone like I did and that you find a career that you enjoy and a life that you can enjoy, even while missing your mom.  I've learned to carry my grief inside of me, even while I'm enjoying happy moments, grief is present, I've learned to coexist with it.  That doesn't mean I'm sad all the time, but I do miss him each and every day, if that makes sense.

Your parents' relationship was undoubtedly complex as my own was with my kids' dad.  Realizing that there was much more to it than you'll probably ever realize, you can accept that even while there were things your mom couldn't tolerate, there was probably some love there too and some understanding of who he was and why he was like he was.  That is true for me and my ex, I will always care about him, it was the living with him I couldn't handle, his controlling behavior and judgment was hard to take.  I hope for you that you can graduate and move out and have a home with peace and tranquility.  It may be easier to reconcile your feelings for your dad if you aren't living with him.  Whatever you do, keep going to school, graduate!  It can be a goal that will help you achieve what you want in life.  And let your teachers know what is going on.  If you find yourself struggling with your classes because of your grief, consider cutting back on the hours you carry, but keep going.

Coming here does help, there's a lot of caring people going through similar things...we care.

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Thank you so much, kayc, for your kind words. I'm so sorry for your loss, too, and that you know the pain of being in an emotionally abusive relationship. 

I only have a semester left before I graduate with my associate's degree, thankfully, and then hopefully I'll be able to move away to study next fall for my bachelor's.

I've considered therapy, not very seriously, for years, but now that my mom is gone I'm considering it seriously, mostly because I have no one to talk to and I'm struggling a lot right now with finding release for all the emotions I have bottled up inside. 

 

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I just want to mention that not all counselors/therapists are the same or equal.  There are some that specialize in grief and are qualified, others that do not have the education/training in grief.  If you want to get therapy for something else, that's one thing, but if you're wanting it to learn to deal with your grief, it's good to look for someone with a degree in Thanatology.  

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

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