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Polly

Just when I thought things were getting better....

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It's been awhile since I posted here. It has been a little over 2 years since my husband died. Last year I went to a grief support group for people that lost their spouse. It was a small group and I made some good friends from it. It was an 8 week program. After it ended a couple of us decided to all get together and go bowling once a week. It was nice to get out and have a nice evening. I looked forward to it. My youngest daughter(she is 17) and a friend would also go. As the months went by there was a connection with my friend Bill. He lost his girlfriend. Bill and I had a lot in common. We started dating at the beginning of the year. It was hard. My daughter was not happy about it. I tried talking to her about it. As the months went by she seemed to be a little better with it. Things also started getting serious with Bill and I. My 25 year old daughter was ok with it. She just wanted me to be happy. Then around the 2 year mark of my husbands passing, my 17 year old started getting nasty about me being with Bill. It got so bad that last Thursday I told Bill that I was done. That I can't see him anymore. I felt like I had to choose between my daughter and my boyfriend. I felt like what kind of mom chooses their boyfriend over their daughter? Bill is so heart broken. I am too. We really loved each other. My daughter has been herself these past few days. Me? I feel like I lost again. She is going to graduate from high school in 6 months. I know she probably won't stick around much longer after that. I don't know if I did the right thing with this situation. My heart hurts so bad again. This is all just so hard.

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Polly,

I'm sorry to hear this.  I'm not sure I'd choose the way you did...my concern is that your daughter feels she won a power play, and this at a time when she's going to be out on her own and you'll be left alone.  I don't think the kids get to call the shots for the parents.  She really wants you to be alone for life?  How about her?  What if you dictated SHE be alone for life!  Turn about fair play!  She's acting like a spoiled brat IMO, I'm sorry, I really don't know how else to put it.  But then that's par for the course for being 17.  I think someday she will feel bad for how she acted but then will be too late.  

I realize it may have seemed too soon to her, but then at her age, ANY time would be too soon!  She doesn't want anyone replacing her father.  I get that.  And he wouldn't.  He's there to enhance YOUR life, and her's too if she'd let him.  I hope you and her will start seeing a counselor to help get this resolved.  Sometimes kids will listen to a neutral party whereas they might not want to listen to us.  

I'm not sure this is the best message for your daughter.  She needs to respect you and that includes your decisions and your right to be happy.  It'd be different if there was something of validity that she personally has against your BF.  Then that would need to be listened to and addressed if applicable.

Please forgive me if I've overstepped my bounds here, I mean well even if it comes across harsh.  Love you, Polly!

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Kay,

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate it. I also have thought about pretty much everything you said. So....not offended at all. I was just at my breaking point last week. I just couldn't deal with any of it anymore. I'm at work  right now so will share the rest of my thoughts when I'm home. I hate typing on this phone. 

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22 hours ago, Polly said:

It's been awhile since I posted here. It has been a little over 2 years since my husband died. Last year I went to a grief support group for people that lost their spouse. It was a small group and I made some good friends from it. It was an 8 week program. After it ended a couple of us decided to all get together and go bowling once a week. It was nice to get out and have a nice evening. I looked forward to it. My youngest daughter(she is 17) and a friend would also go. As the months went by there was a connection with my friend Bill. He lost his girlfriend. Bill and I had a lot in common. We started dating at the beginning of the year. It was hard. My daughter was not happy about it. I tried talking to her about it. As the months went by she seemed to be a little better with it. Things also started getting serious with Bill and I. My 25 year old daughter was ok with it. She just wanted me to be happy. Then around the 2 year mark of my husbands passing, my 17 year old started getting nasty about me being with Bill. It got so bad that last Thursday I told Bill that I was done. That I can't see him anymore. I felt like I had to choose between my daughter and my boyfriend. I felt like what kind of mom chooses their boyfriend over their daughter? Bill is so heart broken. I am too. We really loved each other. My daughter has been herself these past few days. Me? I feel like I lost again. She is going to graduate from high school in 6 months. I know she probably won't stick around much longer after that. I don't know if I did the right thing with this situation. My heart hurts so bad again. This is all just so hard.

A great book that may help you sort out your dilemma is "Boundaries" By Dr. McCloud and Dr Townsend. In my humble opinion, your daughter should not be allowed to exert such negative control over you.  You are the parent.  Your daughter definitely overstepped her bounds.  My family has boundary issues too!  This book has helped me to sort out what I need to do in my situation and hopefully it will help you. I would apologize to Bill and ask him for some suggestions as there are still feelings for each other. Praying... Shalom

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Thanks George. I will look for it. I realize that now. I was caught off guard and let her get to me, which is not me at all. I know I handled the situation wrong.

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I have that book and highly recommend it.  I had to use it with my mom.  

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I am sorry -it is never easy dealing with teenagers- I had three- perhaps instead of breaking it off for you- your daughter just needs a bit of time- if it was her -we would tell her that her feelings aren't going to change overnight -if they truly love it it will still be there, to be patient- not to rush- the feelings of true love will still be true love tomorrow or the day after she graduates- or in a year- Do we believe what we have been teaching?    You deserve love and happiness- even scripture says remarriage is good-(it keeps us out of trouble:) )       Many Blessings

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On ‎11‎/‎22‎/‎2017 at 9:01 AM, ahhope4u said:

I am sorry -it is never easy dealing with teenagers- I had three- perhaps instead of breaking it off for you- your daughter just needs a bit of time- if it was her -we would tell her that her feelings aren't going to change overnight -if they truly love it it will still be there, to be patient- not to rush- the feelings of true love will still be true love tomorrow or the day after she graduates- or in a year- Do we believe what we have been teaching?    You deserve love and happiness- even scripture says remarriage is good-(it keeps us out of trouble:) )       Many Blessings

Thanks. So true. It has been almost 2 weeks since I broke up with Bill. I'm not sure how I feel about it. At times I like having my time to myself, other times not so much. I think I need this time to figure things out. You are right.....the love will still be there.

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I was just wondering last night how things were going with you and I find this post.  I hope you can find your way back together, a good man is hard to find.  ;) Besides, I like cheery news and happy endings, also hard to find!  :)

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thanks Kay. We will see what happens. Right now I'm focusing on me. He told me he will wait for me because he loves me. I told my best friend what he said and she  believes that he is not going any where.

Ok, now I need to see if I can fix this pellet stove. Last winter the exhaust fan went out. I figured out how to replace that myself. Now I believe the sensor went out. At least that is what I'm hoping is wrong. Got a new one so I need to figure out how to replace it. Wish me luck.

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Oh I do wish you well with that endeavor!  I got my new Blaze King and the thermostat and the shank it was on were wobbling around so bad, you didn't know if it was set to low or high!  You'd wake up in the night with the fire starved out or it'd be 86 degrees!  My son mailed his tool to me and walked me through fixing it over the phone.  I bought my own tool and wrote down the instructions in case it ever happens again!

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Well.....I'm testing the pellet stove out right now. So far it's working properly. Youtube  is my best friend. LOL! Luckily the pellet stove is my 2nd heat source. but without it I go through a lot more heating oil.

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Yeah, what did we ever do without youtube videos?  You can learn a lot from them and forums!

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Maybe daughters need to hear that the burden of being your closest friends and source of companionship is something they will grow to resent in a few years. Their lives.are just starting out.  They will have [love] lives of their own. 

I still miss my late husband even with a new man in the picture.  And truthfully, it was not a great marriage, he was an alcoholic.   I haven't forgotten him. Even now, seven years (closer to eight!) years after his passing I think of him every day.

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14 hours ago, ipswitch said:

Maybe daughters need to hear that the burden of being your closest friends and source of companionship is something they will grow to resent in a few years. Their lives.are just starting out.  They will have [love] lives of their own. 

I still miss my late husband even with a new man in the picture.  And truthfully, it was not a great marriage, he was an alcoholic.   I haven't forgotten him. Even now, seven years (closer to eight!) years after his passing I think of him every day.

Yes, I think about Richard everyday. I talk to him too. I still have a lot of his things. I just can't deal with doing anything with it yet. 

My oldest daughter, who is married, understands and was happy for me. Sure it was hard at first for her to see me with someone else, but she also saw how happy I was. My youngest just turned 18 today. She has not said one word about Bill since I broke things off with him. I have to say this has been really hard for me. I did what I did because I love my kids. I'm having a hard time with my decision though. I'm depressed and crying every day. I talked with my sister that I'm closest with the other day. It made me feel a little better when she told me that if it was her that she would have done the same thing. I'm not even looking forward to Christmas. I haven't even put up the tree. I wouldn't even bother but will do it for my daughter. We aren't even going to be here on Christmas. We are going to my sisters house on Christmas eve which is 4 hours away. All 6 of my sisters live there and also my mom. When Richard was alive we used to drive to Altoona on Christmas morning after we would open our presents. The past 2 years we just couldn't be here for that so we started just leaving after I get off of work on Christmas Eve. This year it will be even harder because I still won't be with who I want to be with. 

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I would talk to your daughter about it.  I still don't think it's good that she has so much control and power over you, but I wouldn't hide my sadness from her either.  She's being self-centered.  I know kids view their parents as an extension of themselves but by 18 they should realize their parents are separate people from them and have needs and feelings all their own.  Have you had any contact with Bill since?

I can relate to the talking to Richard every day.  I still think about George all the time and talk out loud to him some of the time too.  He's always on my mind.

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I have only talked to Bill twice and it was through Facebook messenger. The 2nd time was 10 days ago. I told him I was sorry. We chatted back and forth a bit but then he seemed to think that because I was talking to him that we were going to get back together. At that time I just didn't see that happening so I told him I had to go. Since then he tried to message me twice, both times I just didn't respond. I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point. 

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Polly, life is short. Your daughter will be off to college or out of the house in a couple years.  

If you were moving in a child molester and your daughter had to leave because living with minors violated his parole conditions, THEN you would be choosing a man over your daughter. it's normal and natural to want someone your own age to spend time with.

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Double "like"!

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11 hours ago, ipswitch said:

Polly, life is short. Your daughter will be off to college or out of the house in a couple years.  

If you were moving in a child molester and your daughter had to leave because living with minors violated his parole conditions, THEN you would be choosing a man over your daughter. it's normal and natural to want someone your own age to spend time with.

Double "like"!

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Just an update on things. Last Tuesday night I was so down and really missing Bill. I hadn't talked to him in a couple of weeks. I chatted with a close friend of mine. She knew Richard and also Nicole. We have been friends for years. We had a good talk about everything. She gave me some really good advice. Right after that, I was on facebook and it was around 1am. Bill also was on fb. He is never up that late. So I messaged him. Then I called him and we talked for over an hour. I told him that I needed to talk with Nicole and let her know that I was still going to see him. I wasn't going to throw away what we had. I deserve to be happy. She doesn't have to like it but she has to respect my feelings. Just as I don't have to like who ever she dates, that is her choice. On Thursday, I was out shopping and decided to stop by Bill's work. It felt so good to see him and hug him. Tonight we went on a date. We went to dinner and stopped at the mall. He bought me a cat necklace at the jewelry store for Christmas. I have been looking at that necklace and thinking that it was what Richard would have bought for me. 

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Polly,

I am thrilled to hear this, for your sake, for Bill's, AND for your daughter's.  It's good for her to learn this, part of mature thinking and respect.  I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!

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