Loss of my older brother

[Klev95]

Hey, this is my first post ever, anywhere, and I am not sure if I am posting in the right place, but thought I might give it a try. I'll give a little bit of an overview with a background so hopefully I am not repetitive. I just recently lost my 25 year old brother to a heroin overdose...I was living in a different state just waiting a few days later to leave back to my hometown. I got a call from my mom on November 5th and my life changed from there. Now let me tell you, my brother has overdosed 5 times before that (but this last time he was 4 months clean prior). He was struggling for YEARS with drugs but I am not too sure how long with heroin. I remember seeing him "jonesing" and the aggressive, manipulative, withdrawing side of him, but never understood why until my parents told me. Ok so fast forward back to this past 5 months. I was in a different state and my brother called me up asking for money, I contemplated on and on as he sounded so desperate and I needed to figure out what his actual motive was, so I called my dad and asked if he was okay. Conclusion included me NOT giving my brother the money he begged me for. We had a falling out and I, regretfully, did not talk to him after that, but I did not block him, in hopes that maybe he WOULD be better one day and reach out to me if he wanted to talk. I guess I waited too long to go home. I can't help but feel like if he knew I was coming home, that he wouldn't have taken that last shot of heroin. I can't help but feel that I didn't show him exactly how much I loved him, but the old him, the sweet kid I remember. The sweet older brother that defended me, held me when i was a baby and just see the love in his eyes being an older brother. Along side him was my oldest brother, they were BEST friends. I miss my brother so much and I wish so badly that things didn't leave off this way... I don't think I have been able to fully grieve due to the fact I am extremely empathetic, so if I am either busy, on the move, or with someone that is happy or peaceful, I generally feel the same...but in the back of my mind I am depressed. The only way i was ONCE able to get my true feelings out was the day after I got home, I got a 6 pack and went to my friends house and broke down. That was the 1 time I feel I actually started truely feeling the effects of this loss. Ever since then I have not drank, so in hand I feel my mind does not let me go to that place where I need to go to start healing. I feel like I am stuck in a loop with my feelings. I mostly feel regret, anger, and sadness all at once but again, my mind won't let me get that out. I don't know what to do and I am truly hoping that I can get some input on this, because I feel like Im not grieving the right way. Please help

[MartyT]

15 hours ago, Klev95 said:

I feel my mind does not let me go to that place where I need to go to start healing. I feel like I am stuck in a loop with my feelings. I mostly feel regret, anger, and sadness all at once but again, my mind won't let me get that out. I don't know what to do and I am truly hoping that I can get some input on this, because I feel like Im not grieving the right way.

First of all, please know that there is no "right way" to grieve. There is only YOUR way, because this death of your brother and your relationship with him are unique to you, and how you mourn the loss of him is as individual as you are. You will discover for yourself what works for you, as you lean into the pain of this traumatic loss and find ways to cope with and come to terms with it.

Second, good for you for recognizing your need to "get some input on this" and for having the courage to reach out for the support you need and deserve! 

To the extent that we are able, we are here to offer you reliable information, comfort and support, but given the nature of this death and the circumstances surrounding it, I also encourage you to seek the sort of in-person support you will find with a qualified grief counselor or a grief support group.

You might begin by doing a bit of reading, which I hope will help you to better understand what you are feeling and why:

Grief: Understanding The Process

The Grief of an Overdose Death: Part 1,  via What's Your Grief

The Grief of an Overdose Death: Part 2,  via What's Your Grief

Devastating Losses: How Parents Cope with Death of a Child to Suicide or Drugs by William Feigelman et al

Drug and Alcohol Deaths - Open to Hope Interview

[Klev95]

Thank you, I will definitely look into those

[kayc]

Klev95,

I am sorry for your loss and for the way it happened.  You seem to feel responsible somehow, as if you could have made a difference...maybe, maybe not, but his actions where his, not yours.  You did well not to give an addict money so I'm glad you sought your dad's input.  This is hard at best, a whole lot to deal with on your own, so I hope you are able to find a good grief counselor to help you through this.  

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html 

Your brother's troubles didn't begin or end with you.  I wish for peace for you, it may take a while to get there, but that is my hope.